This is the first time she has no plan.
The first time ever she feels completely and utterly lost.
She has no idea what to do. How to proceed.
Like she's paralyzed,
or only half alive,
a ghost.
And in a way it's true; She is a ghost, walking among people, who walk through her.
They don't see her, hear her, feel her…
She's not really here, nor there.
So, she does the only thing that feels right: follows him around.
He's lost too.
But he hides it better than she does.
He has to.
Because of other people.
"Pretending is all I do in the real world."
That's what he told her, and that's what she sees now.
He's good at it.
Of course he is!
He has done it for years.
But whenever he's alone, he's lost.
She sleeps in their bed. Next to him.
But he can't feel her, and she can't feel him.
But at least she can be close to him.
Mostly she doesn't talk to him.
Stays in her private silence and tries to read conversations form peoples' lips.
Only when they're alone, and when it gets unbearable, that's when she talks.
Like when he first goes to Dumbledore's door.
"GO!" She screams to his face when he starts to hesitate, "GO IN! I'm with you!"
Dumbledore might be the only one able to help them!
He might know what to do!
But Draco just paces back and forth behind his door.
She screams until her voice is harsh.
Then she cries and begs.
But he doesn't go.
Not then.
Or any time after.
"I'm here, I'm with you! Please, Draco!"
But he doesn't hear her.
Doesn't know she's there,
and can't do it alone.
.
.
.
Watching him breaks her heart.
Watching him talk to her, or the girl who looks like her, shatters her whole being.
When he runs into her in the corridor the first day, she wants to punch herself.
"LOOK! You stupid bitch!" She screams to her stupid, ignorant face, "He needs help! LOOK BEYOND YOUR IDIOTIC PREJUDICE! Hypocrite!"
But the look in the eyes of the girl, she barely recognizes, is cold.
She'll never see.
No matter how she screams on this side that girl will never see.
She'll never have this time with him.
She'll never understand.
Of course, he could make her see again, but she doubts he can act the same around that version of her as he did here.
Their time has passed.
They had a year.
How she wishes she'd known how low their time was running.
She wishes she would have told him how she felt.
Now it's too late.
She whispers it to him in the night.
Looking at him, lying on the bed with his eyes closed but not sleeping.
She reaches for him, "I love you, you know."
But just like before her fingers go through,
like he's not really there.
She tells him every night. Every time before she falls asleep cold and alone, she tells him.
And wishes more than anything that there was a way for him to hear.
It doesn't even feel enough.
There are so many things she wishes she would have told him.
I love you.
I miss you.
I was ready to share my life with you.
The silence was okay with you.
I was ready to live the rest of my life here with you.
I liked the thought of you being my family.
I could see the future, our future.
Even now, when I close my eyes, I can see them, our family.
But it hurts to think of all that,
let alone say it aloud to the empty walls.
.
.
.
She feels guilty too, for leaving him alone like that. Even though she knows it wasn't her fault.
But what if it was?
What if there was something she had missed, that caused this?
When he sits on his bed, staring at the mark on his hand, she thinks her heart is going to explode.
She'd do anything.
ANYTHING!
To get to him at that moment.
He watches as blood drips from the wounds he caused himself, and she sits beside him, tears falling.
"Don't… please don't." She cries, "It's just a brand. It doesn't define you. Please!"
She has lost count on how many times she tries to take his hands into hers.
When he falls asleep with tearstains on his face, she lies awake. Feeling like the pain is just too much for her heart to take.
But it gets worse sometime later when he gets a letter from his parents and dashes away from the Hall into Moaning Myrtle's toilet.
One could think she'd gotten used to seeing him in pain by then.
But no.
No matter how many hours she sits with him in the library, reading her own books as he reads his.
No matter how many times she watches him lie awake.
No matter how many times he needs her and she just isn't there.
No matter how many times her confessions of love echo from empty walls.
She never gets used to seeing him crumble from inside.
But then Harry enters.
And before he realizes what's happening, she has seen the face of her best friend.
Before Draco turns around, she knows it's going to be ugly.
Before either says a word, she knows no good comes from this.
Draco's too torn and Harry's too sure he is a Death Eater.
That moment she forgets they can't see her,
or hear her.
"NO!" She yells and takes a step to stand before Draco, raising her hands to Harry's direction.
She doesn't recognize the spell Harry's lips form. Doesn't know the movement he makes.
But she feels it as the curse sweeps through her stomach, like a wave of energy.
And before she even turns around, she knows it's bad.
Harry's eyes go wide.
"What did you do!?" She yells the same time she turns around.
And it's even worse than she expected.
He's standing still, eyes wide looking at the bloodstain appearing to his chest.
"NO!" She screams brokenly and takes a leap towards him the same moment he falls.
Harry is just standing there. Saying something she can't hear.
Her best friend Harry, good, pure, light Harry who shouldn't even be able to cause damage like this, with one movement.
Draco is bleeding out, drawing only light breaths, a pool of his own blood forming around him.
"Draco!" She's on her knees beside him calling his name again and again.
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOT!" She yells at Harry, knowing it's no use, "GET HELP!"
"Hermione."
Her eyes flick to Draco who has lifted his hand to the transformed vial around his neck and whispered her name.
And she heard it!
"Yes," She whispers swallowing tears, "Yes, I'm here. Hold on! It's going to be okay."
She cradles his head on her lap and runs her fingers through his hair.
She doesn't even realize when Snape rushes in and starts to heal his wounds. Leans her head close to him, willing to feel his breath on her face.
Her hair falls like a curtain around them.
"You're going to be okay. Just don't let go. Don't give up."
He's taken to the hospital wing and she follows, sits beside his unconscious body.
The night is dark and empty and silent.
The scar Harry's spell made runs across his chest.
And she just can't bring herself to understand what Harry was thinking.
Without Snape's haste appearance Draco would have died. Harry would have been responsible.
She doesn't recognize the spell he used and that makes her wonder what has he been up to these months?
But the scar on Draco's chest is proving enough: it was something dark.
And Harry just used it without hesitation, even though she saw the shocked look on his face after he did it.
What if Harry had killed him?
Would she ever have been able to forgive him?
Does it even matter, because there's no certainty she could ever get back to ask him what he was doing?
Minutes tick away, dark hours of the night turn in the faint light of the dawn, and she watches his chest rising and falling.
That's when she makes a decision:
This can't go on!
Either way, this half-life she lives, needs to end!
She can't keep watching everyone throw their life away and not be able to do anything about it.
One way or another, she needs to get away!
So she gets up, tries to kiss his cheek, but she's a ghost yet again. How was she able to touch him in the bathroom? She has no idea and it does no good to think about it now!
With one last look into his direction, she leaves.
Doesn't stop before she's facing the clock. Whatever happens she can't take this anymore!
She raises her wand and aims an exploding spell to the fucking ticking torture device before her.
The sound it makes, rings around the castle. A boom that rocks its very core.
It throws her on the ground and fills the room with smoke.
The last thing she hears before the world goes black is the tolling, that echoes in the silence.
Like the bells of doom.
.
.
.
"Hermione?"
Someone is shaking her.
She opens her eyes and blinks,
once…
twice…
The light almost blinds her.
There's a blue sky above and she can hear the waves.
Tropic.
The beach she dreamed before this all began.
In a dream she was alone.
She blinks again and a face swims in her vision.
Grey worried eyes.
Blond hair glistering in the sunlight.
Oh, this makes sense! It's a dream yet again.
She lifts her hand to touch his face.
"I miss you." She whispers as her fingers feel his skin.
How she misses being able to touch him!
At least her dreams still make him real.
"Are you hurt?" He demands.
She shakes her head against the white sand.
But before she gets to do anything else, he swipes her off the ground and pulls her close.
Let it be just a dream! He's here and she's able to touch him! Let it be not real, but right now, it feels more real than in months.
So, she puts her hands around his neck and clings on.
He feels so familiar.
Smells so familiar.
She buries her face to his chest and breathes him in.
"It's been so hard without you." He whispers to her hair, "I just wish you'd remember."
It takes a moment before she realizes what he's saying and lifts her head to look at him.
"I remember!"
"No, not in real life. We got back. I'm still like I was the day I left, but you're like you never went through all that with me." He looks down at her sadly, "You don't have your vial either. There's no way I can make you remember."
He's even talking like his real. Her dreams of him were never this real before.
He shouldn't be so sad in her dream! Even if it's just a dream he's with her now!
And she has missed him so so much!
She lifts her hand to caress his cheek, "No, it's not me! I was left behind! I've been trapped somewhere in the middle for ages! I can see you, but you can't see me! I can't hear you! I can't talk to you! It's torture Draco! Yesterday I watched you nearly get killed and couldn't do anything!"
He laughs humorlessly, "You don't know how I wish that would be true."
"It is true!" She's not sure why she has to try an prove her dream what she went through is real.
He's still shaking his head, "You're just a dream!"
Okay, now it was getting weird.
Him in her dream telling her she's just a dream?
"This is my dream! So actually, you're the one, who is not real, here!"
"I need to ask Madam Pomfrey what she gave me! This stuff is great." He mutters under his breath.
She wiggles free from his hold and stands up.
He stays on the sand shaking his head.
He's wearing a white button-down shirt and beige chinos. His sleeves are rolled up and hair looks a little sunburned.
She's not sure he could look more perfect.
But the air around them is weird. Unlike any dream she's ever had.
"No! Harry hit you with some dark curse and I was sitting beside you in the hospital! And then I decided I've had enough and went to blow up the clock. I must have blacked out because I woke up here!"
He gets up too, brows furrowed.
"I watched you go through all that alone! I watched you talk to me. To the version of me who didn't know you! I watched you behind Dumbledore's door! And your mark! How you scarred it! I've been a ghost Draco! So, let me have this dream with you and don't fight me!"
He's standing so close his breath is on her face, "This is a dream I'm having in the hospital wing."
They're staring at each other for a while.
She feels like her heart might jump out her chest.
Because if he's sure he is the one having this dream, and she's sure this is her dream too. Could it be?
"Are we both here?" She whispers testing the ground.
He doesn't answer but kisses her. Melts their lips together.
And it doesn't feel like a dream. It feels real!
Like it's really him! Really his lips! Really his hands!
When he lets go his eyes are dark, and so familiar.
She starts to cry. Throws her hands around him and cries against his neck.
This is him!
Really him!
They're together again!
Where are they? and how they got there? and what on earth happened again?
None of it matters now!
She doesn't care!
It doesn't matter if this is a deserted island full of dangers. If it's just a beach with burning sun.
It doesn't matter!
He's here! And he can see her! Feel her! Touch her!
She's not a ghost here!
"I missed you so much!" He mumbles in her hair, "I thought it was all gone."
She squeezes him harder, "I'm here now. You're here. It'll work out! As long as we're together."
They stand there.
Under the burning sun, waves crashing the shore, the tropic breeze humming in the palm trees, just holding each other for a long time.
It's so good to just breathe him in. Let the feeling she has really gotten him back, sink in.
After what feels like hours, she lifts her face to him.
"I love you." She tells him, "I've told you every night, you just couldn't hear me."
He dips his face down to her and kisses her
tenderly,
desperately,
like he's been waiting his whole life for just this kiss.