They arrived in Berien the following day. Kira bought bus tickets and a few supplies including a second bedroll, just in case. They were able to sell the old supplies they no longer needed—most of the waterskins and the cart itself. Kira actually felt a twinge of sorrow having to say goodbye to her trusty vehicle. She and Knives made their way to the inn and rented a room for the night.
"Guess I won't be needing this for a while," she muttered to herself, tossing her turban in her pack as they settled in. She looked up at Knives. "The bus leaves first thing tomorrow. There may or may not be Federation soldiers on board, so keep your head down and your mouth shut. If anyone talks to you, just be friendly and say as little as possible. It's going to be super fucking boring, so try to stay sane."
x.x.x.x.x
A small crowd had assembled and began boarding once the rickety looking bus the following morning. The vehicle was nearly filled by the time it pulled away from the stop. They were lucky to sit together. Kira had insisted Knives take the window seat since it would keep him a little more hidden from the other passengers. He stared at the rolling sandy landscape listlessly as the suns inched across the sky. She was right—this was incredibly boring. He leaned against the window, his hat tipped forward over his face, and tried to sleep.
x.x.x.x.x
The bus moved quickly over the empty desert. They arrived at the next waypoint a couple of hours later. The shuddering halt of the bus roused Knives from his slumber.
"Norston. Ten minute stop if you need to use the restroom. Please exit if this is your final destination," the driver called out in an excessively officious manner.
"You gotta go?" Kira asked.
"I'm fine."
"Well I do. I'll be right back. Save my seat."
Knives leaned back against the window staring out at the town. This one seemed a little quieter than the last one. Somehow he'd thought they would continue to get more populated the closer they got to Octovern. He closed his eyes, still a little drowsy. He'd nearly fallen back to sleep when a low voice addressed him.
"This seat taken?"
He looked up to see a fully uniformed Federation officer leaning over him with a thin-lipped smile.
"Yes. It is."
The man moved on and sat with a woman in the next row across the aisle. Knives cast a furtive glance over his shoulder. The soldier's eyes were fixed on him. Dammit. He quickly pulled his hat down a little lower. Should he get off the bus? Or would that just draw more attention? If he got off, he'd need to grab their bags and track down Kira. What if he missed her? What if she got back on and the bus took off without him? He peered out the window, scanning the street for her. Where the fuck was she anyway!
To his relief, she boarded a moment later and ambled up the aisle to him. "Whew! Glad I made it back in time. I thought for sure I'd be late and get left behind," she said unusually loudly, sporting a vivacious smile.
She sat inelegantly beside him and circled her arms around one of his, leaning over and giving him a kiss on the cheek. He looked at her in shock and she widened her eyes and squeezed his arm in a 'play along' gesture. She tugged him towards her and rested her head on his shoulder.
What are you doing?
She jumped at his voice in her mind.
Can you hear this? she thought back.
Yes.
Ass. Get out of my head.
In a minute. What are you doing?
That soldier is less likely to keep staring at you if we're wrapped around each other like a couple. Also, if he does suspect anything, he might dismiss it if he sees you acting like this. Just relax. If anyone asks, we're newlyweds. Now get the fuck out of my head.
Knives smirked at her irritation. As much as it bothered her, it was an extremely useful way to communicate. The bus rattled into motion and they were off again. Knives rested his head against hers, thoroughly enjoying the charade.
x.x.x.x.x
The bus stopped a few more times before reaching its final destination for the day. They grabbed a room at the nearest inn and then Kira insisted they go out for dinner and a drink.
"We don't have to walk anywhere tomorrow and I'm sick of being cooped up. Come on," she said, tugging on his arm.
Knives shrugged and complied.
x.x.x.x.x
They stopped into the tavern next door. He was surprised to see a television behind the bar.
"Pretty neat, huh?" Kira said nudging him, her mood surprisingly cheerful. "The Federation introduced them. I understand they're pretty pricey though."
They sat down and ordered food and drinks. Knives couldn't stop staring at the woman on the screen. She was some kind of reporter. And something about her short black hair was so… familiar.
"You a fan?" asked the young barkeep, who must have noticed Knives' attentive gaze.
"Pardon?" he asked, unsure of the question.
"Of Meryl Stryfe?" He gestured at the black-haired woman.
Meryl Stryfe. He'd heard that name before…
"No," Kira answered. "We've actually never seen a television. Heard of them though. Who is she?"
"She's the lead reporter for NLBC, and absolutely adorable. Almost as cute as you," he said flirtatiously with a wink at Kira. She responded with a smirk. A wave of possessive irritation rolled through Knives, but he forced himself to shake it off.
"She did that whole series on, Vash the Stampede, when he came out of hiding," the barkeep continued. "You didn't hear about that?" He let out a raucous laugh. "I can't say it was the best reporting ever—mostly her chasing him around from place to place—but it was entertaining as hell. She does good work now—a lot of stories about the Federation and Octovern and stuff. Geez, you really should keep up with this shit!"
Kira widened her eyes at the man's tirade. "We'll have to, going forward."
Of course—she was that little insurance agent had been travelling with his brother! There had been two of them, if he remembered correctly. Knives had seen the pictures when Legato told him about them but he hadn't given them much thought—they seemed so inconsequential. But if this woman knew where Vash was now…
He turned to Kira and she inclined her head very slightly. "So does this Stryfe woman operate out of Octovern?" she asked the barkeep with a deliberately vacuous expression.
"Sometimes. She travels all over, but I'm pretty sure she's covering the big conference there right now."
"What conference?"
"The heads of the Earth Federation and the No Man's Land political leaders are still trying to decide what to do with our planet. You know—like how to deal with the lack or resources here. I take it you've heard of the Reformation?"
Kira let out an aggravated sigh. "Yeah, I'm aware of it."
"Well the Federation went a step further and pushed through a law to allow use of the death penalty on 'irredeemable' criminals, whatever the hell that means. I guess they've been housing a lot of the more serious outlaws at a facility in Octovern, and now they're gonna start running some psychological tests to decide if they can be 'rehabilitated' or not. You know it's just an excuse to reduce the population! It's crazy! You really need to pay more attention to the news."
"That sounds awful," she said, her tone impassioned. "Unfortunately, we don't get much info up in Delnashville."
The man's eyes went wide. "Ah, you're a scavenger?"
"We were."
He shook his head. "That's a rough job… We're all really grateful for the work you do," he said, with a warm smile at her.
Kira blushed slightly. "Uh, thanks," she muttered, taking another sip of beer.
The man grinned. "Here—another round. On the house." He slid two more beers over to them.
Kira tipped her head appreciatively, her cheeks still faintly pink. "Much obliged." She finished her first beer with gusto and began the second with her meal. When the barkeep seemed fully occupied she leaned over to Knives. "So we start there, right? Find this Stryfe woman?"
He nodded, taking a swig of beer. "She used to travel with Vash—they were friends, I think. There's a good chance he'd keep in touch."
x.x.x.x.x
They finished their meals quickly and decided to head back to the room. Kira left a few bills on the counter for the barkeep as they left. "Nice guy," she said lightly once they were outside. "Super helpful!"
"I suppose…" Knives said indifferently.
Kira gave him a sidelong glance. "What?"
"He was too nosy." And too 'friendly.'
She rolled her eyes. "You should be grateful. He gave us a decent lead."
"… I guess."
x.x.x.x.x
When they made it back to their room Knives quickly removed the hat and glasses. He felt like an idiot wearing them at night. Kira pulled out the deck of cards and they began playing. Knives was glad to spend time with her like this. It made everything feel normal again, as if nothing had changed between them. After a few rounds she began yawning and they retreated to their respective beds. He was just beginning to drift into unconsciousness when a soft voice broke the silence.
"Knives?"
"Mmph…"
"You awake?"
"I am now."
"… I was just wondering, what happened between you and Vash at the end of the war? I mean, I know you hurt him and you took him to that doctor, but…" She trailed off and he let out a slow breath.
"He was in a coma for several weeks. I was sure he wouldn't wake up. He'd drained almost all of his energy, as had I. I thought… I thought I'd damaged him too badly—that his body couldn't rebuild itself anymore." He paused, remembering the sight of Vash, pale and still on that bed.
"… And?"
Right. "When he finally did wake up, I decided to go. All I've ever done is cause him pain. I thought he'd be better off without me. I left the family with a token of my gratitude, and hoped that Vash would understand that he'd been right."
"So you never spoke to him after he woke up?"
"Not like I should have. He was still very weak when I left. He was only conscious for short periods of time. I asked him how he was doing… we reminisced a little. That was about it. We never really discussed what had happened, if that's what you're asking."
There was silence. "Goodnight, Knives."
His lips curved slightly. "Goodnight."
x.x.x.x.x
They woke early and boarded the rickety bus, making sure they could sit together again. The soldier was still riding as well but wasn't paying nearly as much attention to Knives today. Kira sighed dispiritedly and laced her fingers with his—better safe than sorry. He looked down at her, his expression surprisingly grateful.
Thanks… for going to all this trouble.
She pursed her lips at his voice in her head. This again?
It's the only way we can speak freely.
What makes you think I want to speak with you? Is there a way I can block you out or something?
His brows knitted together. … I guess I could try to show you how later. I'm not sure if it would work for a human, but first… there's something I wanted to ask you…
The bus shuddered and began rolling forward.
What is it? Her curiosity was piqued and they had nothing better to do.
He exhaled heavily. How did you escape Delnashville after… everything?
Images flooded her mind, unbidden, and she took a moment to suppress the pain that inevitably followed. Once she was sufficiently numbed, she began. After my mother died, we continued to hide. Our water ran out a few days later and we didn't have much food left so we had to head into the city to search for more, but almost everything had been taken. There were already bodies everywhere. She grimaced at the memory.
We searched, as much as we could, every day, but we couldn't find anything. With no water we didn't last long… My younger sister was first. One night she went to sleep and just… didn't wake up. My older sister went the next day while we were out in the city. It was too hot and… she… collapsed…
She took a shaky breath and went on. We weren't strong enough to bring her home, so we had to leave her there. Dad went the day after that… And then the soldiers showed up and 'saved' me. I didn't escape.
Her chest ached as visions of her family members lying crumpled on the ground bombarded her, once again breaking through her fragile emotional barrier. She remembered their sallow skin and sunken features. They'd buried her mother the day after her death. When her sisters had fallen, her father had wrapped them in blankets bound with tape so they had some dignity at least. Kira had done the same for him. When she finally made it back to the city after the war, she'd given each of them a proper burial. Her lip began quivering and a tear rolled down her cheek, soon followed by another. She wiped them away quickly, one hand still gripped to Knives'.
She began breathing deeply, in a useless effort to calm herself. She missed them so much. And now she had no idea what to do—how to go on living without them. Why did they have to die? Why had she been left on her own? If only they'd stored a little more water. If only the army had gotten there sooner.
If only Knives hadn't taken the plants. A tremendous swell of bitter hatred suddenly filled her, pushing her pain aside. It was his fault! He stiffened beside her and pulled his hand away roughly. Shit. He must still be listening.
Knives?
… I'm sorry… Even in her head, his voice was barely more than a whisper.
Dammit. Look, I didn't mean to—
It's fine… You have every right to hate me. I… can feel what you felt when we share memories like this. I saw what you went through… and I know… how painful… He let out a trembling breath and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said again, softly.
Knives…?
He didn't respond—he must have cut the connection. She put a hand on his arm but he wouldn't look at her. She frowned. It wasn't like he didn't deserve it… but for some annoying reason, she didn't like seeing him upset. On top of that, her own heart still ached. She was tired—tired of worrying about the bastard who'd destroyed her life and tired of having to deal with everything alone. For once, she wished someone would worry about her.
x.x.x.x.x
He stayed quiet for the rest of the day. When they rented a room that evening he set his bag beside his bed and laid down, his back to her, without a word.
"Um… hey. I'm going to grab a bite to eat," she said lightly. "You hungry?"
"No… thanks…"
She sighed. It was ridiculous that his mood affected her at all, but… they had been close, for a little while at least. She wasn't sure if she'd call him a friend now, but a part of her still felt that connection she'd had with him. Dammit. He needed to snap out of it.
"Hey! Get up. We need to talk." She sat down next to him and began shaking his shoulder.
"Please, not now…"
"No. Now." She grabbed his arm and pulled hard, flipping him over. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
He stared at her, his blue eyes dull. "I'm… sorry."
"Yeah, I know. You've apologized already, so what else is wrong?"
He sat up, his face twisted in frustration. "I don't know what to do! I don't know how to make up for what I did to you. And at the same time I'm completely reliant on you. It's infuriating! I feel so… useless!" He spit the last word, his eyes narrowed, teeth bared.
She gave him a stony look. "You want to make up for it? Too fucking bad! You can't. The best thing you can do for me right now is to stop moping about like a damn child and find a way to deal with your guilt on your own, because I'm not going to coddle you! Grow up! Accept what you did and the repercussions that you face now and move forward instead of wallowing in self-pity! Now, I'm going to go eat. You're welcome to join me, but if you're happier sulking alone, be my guest!"
x.x.x.x.x
She stood and stomped out the door, leaving him in shock. She certainly had a talent for undermining his suffering. She used to be so much nicer…
He could hear her marching down the stairs. He'd have to hurry if he wanted to follow her. He sighed but stood and went quickly out the door.
x.x.x.x.x
Knives felt a bit better the next day, although a part of him wished he hadn't felt the magnitude of her suffering or the depth of her hatred. Her feelings weren't unexpected, but… they had hurt. Still, he needed to know exactly what she'd gone through. He wasn't sure why, but he did. And Kira was right—this situation was a repercussion of what he'd done and his only option was to accept things as they were and move on. Dwelling on his regrets wasn't going to make anything better.
He needed to find a way forward. With her. With Vash. With the entire world.
With himself.
He'd been staring out at the repetitive landscape for what felt like an eternity when Kira began tapping his arm. He glanced over and she tapped a finger against her head, giving him a look. His eyes widened in surprise. You want to talk?
I'm bored. Any ideas?
Well… I've seen some of your memories. Would you like to see some of mine?
She arched an eyebrow. What, are you going to try to get me back for traumatizing you yesterday?
He could feel that she was half teasing. No—nothing like that. They will be nice memories. I can show you where I grew up if you like…
Her gray eyes sparkled. The SEEDS ship? I'd love to see that!
His lips curved in a half-smile and he closed his eyes, focusing on one of his earliest memories. Rem had taken Vash and him on a picnic in the geoplant. The brothers were playing tag in the grassy field and Rem was laughing.
Kira gasped beside him. What is this?
This is the geoplant on our ship.
No, not that. This experience. It's like I'm feeling two emotions at once.
Oh! I didn't realize you'd feel that too… You must be picking up on my emotions within the memory.
You were so happy. She was grinning widely.
His smile deepened. Would you like to see more?
Yeah.
He took her to the human sleep chamber, one of the days when he and Vash had wandered through the pods, imagining who each person might be, what it would be like to meet them.
You liked us back then?
He felt a pang of sadness. … Yes. I did.
Will you show me what happened?
He turned sharply. You mean Tessla? No! I thought you didn't want to be traumatized.
I want to see it. To feel it.
No! I don't want you to.
Why not?
It's fucked up, that's why! You don't want to see it. It will hurt you.
He could feel her anger growing. You've seen my worst memories. It's only fair.
He clenched his jaw. Kira… you don't know what you're asking…
Please… show me. She was determined.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was in a dark room with Vash. They were staring at a large monitor. They began browsing through a series of notated images of their sister. What started as simple psychological and tissue testing grew increasingly invasive and brutal. The brothers could only look on in horror. Finally, after months of physical degeneration from all the cutting and chemicals they'd put into her, the girl's body gave out.
He'd clicked on the last link and the floor opened before them. A cylindrical test tube rose out of the ground with Tessla's half dissected body floating inside like some sort of forgotten project. They'd done this to her—the people she'd trusted—the people he'd trusted. He wasn't safe! They'd do this to him and Vash too! They were going to kill him! Overwhelming terror seized him, choking him until his world went black.
Knives snapped back to the present and realized Kira's hand was wrapped tightly around his—her knuckles white. Kira…? Can you hear me?
"… Yes… I… I need a minute." She said it aloud, but quietly. Her hand was shaking.
He sent her a soothing memory of Rem reading to Vash and him. He remembered watching her expressive face—his eyes growing heavy—enjoying the sound of her voice as he drifted to sleep.
Kira exhaled slowly and her grip loosened. God… Knives, I… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have made you remember that.
I'm sure it was worse for you than for me. Strangely enough, it's easier to relive your own memory. When it's someone else's, it's like you're experiencing it for the first time. It's more painful… More potent.
So yesterday… was it like that for you?
… Yes. It's more intense when you don't know what to expect. When you haven't come to terms with it.
She frowned. But still, that was horrible. You were so young. So scared.
Yes… He let out a soft breath.
She began brushing her thumb gently back and forth along his hand. Was she trying to comfort him? He felt a sudden shame. How could she possibly want to lessen his pain after what he'd done to her—to her family? He really had taken everything from her. He had felt her sorrow and the emptiness she was left with. And now she was giving him compassion… Why? She hated him. He knew she did.
And yet, her touch was incredibly soothing. Why hadn't he tried to comfort her the day before? It seemed so obvious now… He'd apologized, but he could have done more if he hadn't been caught up with his own damn experience!
I just want to say thank you… for showing me that.
Her voice startled him. He'd been so preoccupied he'd forgotten they were still connected. Thankfully it was a one-way experience unless he sent his thoughts to her intentionally.
She pulled her hand away gently. I don't know that it changes anything, but… I'm glad to have seen it.
He dropped his gaze to his now empty palm, a peculiar flurry of emotions welling up within him. Thank you for trying to understand. It's more than I really expected. He raised his eyes to meet hers. Are you okay? I mean, are you feeling better now? I know it's a lot to go through…
She offered him a small smile. Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks Knives.