A little more back-story for Lexa (and Anya). Just a little 'spoiler' for future chapters, you could call this the calm before the storm. The real plot will be introduced a few chapters ahead. :D
It did not take long for Anya to return to the spot where Clarke was found earlier that day. She found an alert Lexa, who immediately lowered her defensive stance when she realized the person was not an intruder. Anya first dropped her bow near where Lexa's was resting, then she headed towards the fire, dropping the string that had multiple kills tied to it: Three rabbits and a squirrel.
Lexa reached to grab one of the animals so she could skin it, but found a pouch pushed into her palm. Lexa raised an eyebrow at Anya, until the other woman motioned with her chin to Clarke. When the brunette untied and opened the pouch, she found herbs that her people frequently used as a pain reliever.
When Clarke came to consciousness, she first smelt smoke- followed by one of flesh. In a few seconds dozens of mutilated faces popped up, one after the other. It seemed like it would never end, until Clarke launched up, her breathing erratic. She only remembered where she was when she felt the pain ripple in her thigh, enough to cause her to grimace and release a small groan.
She saw Lexa briskly head over, reaching her hand out before pulling it back. She knew what was going to happen before it did. Just before Clarke woke up, she had been moving around restlessly. When she saw blue eyes shoot open, full of pain, Lexa could guess what the dream had been about and guilt instantly settled over her.
"It was just a nightmare Clarke." The blonde closed her eyes and nodded, trying to forget the images with little success. Lexa momentarily moved away to grab the now smashed up herbs. Anya briefly watched her before returning to skinning the last rabbit to place on the fire.
Clarke re-opened her eyes when she felt something placed on her lap. She glanced at Lexa, then to the goop in that was contained in a crudely made bowl, then questionably back up again.
A slight smile tugged at Lexa's lips when she answered the silent question. "It is made from herbs that our healers use. It will not take it away completely, but will assist with the pain. All you have to do is spread the paste over your wound."
At first Clarke couldn't help but question Lexa's motives, wondering if this would in fact sabotage her healing process. She soon shook her head from the thought, wanting the anger expelled from her mind, wanting to be able to forgive the past. Clarke peered up and saw Lexa looking at her expectantly. She sighed and pulled off the fur that had been covering her legs. Clarke looked at the blood peeking through the bandage. She still felt woozy, but the nap had gifted her with some energy.
When Clarke unwrapped her leg, Lexa hovered near by in case she needed assistance with anything.
The blonde dipped her index finger into to herbs- the mixture was warmer than she had expected it to be. At first, Clarke's touch was feather light, then she steadily added pressure as she began to massage it over her wound. After it was applied to the back of her leg as well, Clarke looked at the bloodied up cloth. She knew that it would be unsanitary if she put it back on, and she was in no mood for an infection.
Lexa caught onto what Clarke was thinking and headed to her bag, pulling out real bandages. She handed them to Clarke, saying, "I personally know how comfortable.. Anya's healing techniques can be, but I believe these should work too."
"Good enough for you when you couldn't hold your own," Anya responded in a defensive tone.
When Lexa rolled her eyes, Clarke chuckled, which caused Anya to move her eyes from the fire to them. Clarke's mouth fell ajar when she saw something she never had before- Anya was smirking.
When Anya saw Clarke's expression, she pointedly looked at her and said, "Why so surprised, sky girl? We have jokes of our own you know." Then her tone changed completely, much more serious. "But if you tell anyone about this.. You will not make it to the next day."
"Wouldn't be surprised there." Her tone was bitter, and she meant the words to be nothing above a whisper, but the other two women heard her, and the mood automatically shifted at the reference. There was no trace of lightheartedness left on Anya's face as she returned her focus to the fire.
Lexa looked down guiltily before walking away- sitting on the opposite side of the fire from Anya.
Clarke sighed, she hadn't meant to say it, not really. It was a thought that slipped past her lips. She started to think she had a knack for pissing Anya off. And honestly, she didn't mean it. The blonde knew that the two Trikru members could have left her to be taken by the man, but she couldn't seem to leave the past in the past. Clarke thought that maybe she wasn't as close to forgiveness as she thought; she didn't know who she couldn't forgive. She re-wrapped her injury in silence. Once she was finished, Clarke rested her head against the tree- wishing her thought would have stayed in her mind.
It didn't take long for the food to cook, the awkward tension filled silence still had not lifted. Lexa looked at the various meats, considering which Clarke would like best. After a few moments, she decided on her personal favorite of the three- squirrel. She picked up the skewer and walked over to Clarke, who had fallen asleep again. She thought about letting her rest longer, but figured it would be better for the girl to have a meal, so she lightly shook her shoulder until blue eyes peered up at her.
Clarke tried to rub the sleep from her eyes, not remembering when she had dozed off. She looked up at the sky and guessed that night would soon be falling upon them. She then mumbled her thanks and took the food.
Lexa turned around, ready to eat herself, until she heard a quiet voice. "Lexa wait.." The brunette slowly turned in her spot and waited for Clarke to continue. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I know both of you only want peace for your people.."
Lexa somberly shook her head and said, "You owe me no apology, Clarke. You have the right to feel and speak your mind."
The moment Lexa finished, Anya's voice cut across the fire. "She may not require your regret, but I could use it."
Clarke didn't know if she was serious or not, so she looked Anya dead in the eye, saying with a strong, confident voice, "Anya kom Trikru, I am sorry if my words have offended you." Anya grunted before turning and taking a bite of her rabbit. Clarke let out a relieved breathe when she saw the miniature grin play across the general's lips.
For the first few minutes that they ate no one spoke- everyone too focused on consuming their food. Lexa had a question that had frequented her thoughts though, so she decided to ask, "When you are well enough for the journey, would you like us to take you to the edge of Arkadia's territory?"
Clarke was about to take another bite, but paused. She replayed the name a few times in her head, not recognizing it. "Am I supposed to know where or what that is?"
It didn't take long for the commander to piece two and two together. "Allow me to explain," Lexa began. "Your people have renamed what was formerly Camp Jaha to Arkadia. Again, would you-"
Clarke quickly cut her off, "No!" She avoided the green and hazel eyes that had fallen on her from her short outburst. In a more shallow voice, she added, "I can't face them yet."
"I will not force you to do anything that causes you to feel uncomfortable. But.. you are more capable than you know, Clarke kom Skaikru. Doubt can kill an entire army," Lexa tried to convince.
"Yeah.. Well so can I," Clarke sighed, lifting up the knee of her good leg to rest her forehead on.
Lexa shared a partially concerned look with Anya. Anya gestured with her head toward the sky girl, the implication clear. Lexa stood up, brushing the dirt off of her pants, and trod toward Clarke. She stood awkwardly for a second, not knowing what would be an invasion of privacy. Lexa looked behind her- locking eyes with Anya who was still watching, and flicked her hand to the forest.
Anya rolled her eyes, but understood. She would figure out what was happening between the two at some point. As she stood, Anya also grabbed another skewer of meat.
Lexa waited until the older girl could no longer be seen, then sat near the blonde; she left a fair amount between them. "Why do you feel that you can not face your people, Clarke?"
Clarke wanted to walk away, wanted to ignore the question, wanted to ignore its answer- but she knew that this was one thing that she couldn't run from. At first, she thought about not responding to Lexa, and leaving her to wait in silence. She was pulled to her though, felt as if she wouldn't be judged or criticized, like she would be by so many others. Earlier that day, Clarke had told Lexa that vulnerability wasn't weakness, she felt that now could be the chance to prove that. So she quietly said, "When I see them, I see the people I murdered, I see the awful things that I have done. It is too much to see it both when I am asleep and when I'm awake."
Lexa hesitated for a second, not knowing how the blonde would respond to her next question. "You do not see these things when you look at me?"
"You saved your people, I saved mine. You did not make me pull that lever, I pulled it of my own free will." She paused to take a deep breathe before continuing. "Maybe at first I really was angry at you, but after a while I just wanted a reason.. a reason to hate what I had to do less.. hate myself less." She laughed humorlessly as she lifted her head, her eyes began to well up. "God Lexa, all I want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out, because it is killing me on the inside."
"Then cry, scream; let the forest absorb your sorrows." Lexa kept her eyes on the blonde, watching everything come undone. First her breathing became more rapid, followed by the dams beneath her eyes fracturing, then came full out sobs. Lexa always carefully thought about her actions, always tried to consider everything that could happen. But she didn't think when she scooted closer to Clarke, securely wrapping her arms around the girl.
Clarke clawed desperately at the brunette's back, until she caused Lexa's shirt to bunch up enough to clutch onto. She cried into Lexa's shoulder- effectively releasing everything that had been held in for the past months. Lexa took it all, not once releasing the other girl from her embrace. She stroked her hair, ran her fingers across the other girls shaking back, anything she could think of to comfort Clarke.
Lexa held her until her cries turned into hiccups, she held Clarke when her breathing began to even, and she held her long after. Lexa pondered the amount of sleep Clarke must've been getting, when she decided that she didn't like the answer she thought of something else.
Anya marched into the small camp not long after Clarke fell asleep in Lexa's arms, and that's exactly how she found them. Her hazel eyes met Lexa's green ones, trying to find the answers to her questions there, but received no such luck. Anya chuckled before saying in a mocking tone, "As Titus always enforces, love is weakness."
Lexa rolled her eyes, trying to move as little as possible so she doesn't wake the exhausted blonde. "You always told me to ignore half of his teachings, especially that one. I suppose that is a good thing, because it is too late.." When Anya looked at her with a confused expression, Lexa softly said, "It is too late, because.. I have already fallen for her."
Anya walked towards her heda, more careful than usual to not make any extra noise. When she was within touching distance, Anya reached down and rested her hand on Lexa's shoulder, leaning into her ear and whispering, "I realized it a while ago. It is in the very way you stare at her, the way you're eager to protect her, the amount that you sacrifice for her." Anya paused briefly, making sure that Lexa was looking at her for the next part. "If this happened sooner, I would have called you a fool." The general decided to sit side by side with the brunette. "You used to always look up at the sky, and now you have fallen for it."
Lexa breaks eye contact with her friend to glance up at the sky- the sunset was beginning to take over the daytime blue. "Old habits are difficult to break," Lexa chuckled. The movement from her chest caused Clarke to stir. Both of the women froze and eyed Clarke, each hoping that she would continue to get her much needed sleep.
When Clarke woke up, the first thing she thought was that her butt felt incredibly numb. The second thing she thought was that she felt more comfortable than she had in months. In fact, Clarke didn't know if she had ever felt as cozy as she was in that moment. She snuggled deeper into the warmth, that's when her conversation with Lexa came rushing back to her. When Clarke opened her eyes, she saw Anya peering at her from the other side of Lexa- a slight grin was gracing her face. Clarke quickly disentangled herself from Lexa's and stretched her arms. She let her hair fall over her face to conceal the burning of her rose colored cheeks.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep," Clarke punctuated herself with a yawn. "You could've woken me."
Lexa chuckled and lightly shook her head. "You do not need to apologize for resting, Clarke." The younger girl smiled and looked down at her now fidgety hands.
Anya kept looking between the two and face palmed dramatically, catching the others attention. When Anya caught the pairs of eyes on her she shrugged and lied, "Bug," before rising and walking to the dwindling fire to tend to it. All she could think was that this would be an interesting story to watch unfold.
Lexa quirked her eyebrow at the woman's strange behavior. Something else soon took her attention though, a topic she wanted to approach delicately. "I am aware of where you do not want to be, but not where you wish to go, Clarke." Lexa could see the wheels turning in the blonde's head. "My Polis offer still stands, but it would be too long of a journey for you to take."
"How long is too long?" Clarke questioned while slightly tipping her head to the side.
"At a decent pace, and without any setbacks, three days," Lexa replied.
Clarke hummed in response. She hadn't even attempted standing since she fell, so she highly doubted she could walk very far.
"Although, there is a village nearby, if you are interested. It will offer better protection; an actual healer could also help with your wound," Lexa proposed. She hadn't visited this specific place in many years, and knew its people yearned to see her once again.
Clarke had to admit that Lexa made a good point. The most convincing part being that one of the village healers would be more avid with arrow wounds compared to herself. She also admitted, to herself, that she no longer wanted to be isolated. "How am I supposed to get there? I can't exactly walk at the moment."
Anya, who overheard, took the opportunity to butt in, "You could always try running." She received two different responses: The partially amused one from Clarke, and the much more annoyed glare from Lexa.
"Do you think you would be able to ride a horse at a slow pace?" Lexa questioned.
Clarke tried to imagine it for a second, until she remembered. "I've never exactly ridden one before."
"You may ride with me. I am an adept rider, you will be safe," Lexa suggested nonchalantly- on the inside her heart beat faster just at the thought.
Clarke hardly thought twice before agreeing, "Sounds good to me." Clarke lowered her head and smiled, glancing at the brunette from the corner of her eye. "Can we leave tomorrow though? I still feel somewhat faint."As Clarke finished she brought her hand to rub her eyes and leaned all of her weight against the tree.
Lexa nodded while saying, "Of course." She allowed some of her excitement show through with an underplayed smile.
Clarke looked around their little area, and when she didn't find what she was searching for she asked, "Are the horses somewhere nearby?"
Lexa shook her head before turning to Anya, "Go to the village, inform their leader when we will arrive, and gather two horses." Anya nodded and had already stood up when Lexa thought of something else. "Also, speak to a healer and get anything that will help make the ride more bearable." She didn't have go into detail, they all knew who Lexa was aiming to make more comfortable.
Anya dipped her head before grabbing her weapons and pack, jogging through the trees not long after.
Clarke caught herself smiling unexpectedly. She could feel butterflies in her stomach, not the bad kind, but that which made her feel warm and secure.
A few minutes after Anya left, Lexa stood and felt the tension resting in her muscles. When she took her first step, a voice came from behind her. "Where are you going?" Clarke cleared her throat, not meaning to sound so needy.
Having caught the blonde's tone, Lexa turned around with a light grin. "I will return to your side, if you wish," Lexa started, using your side to see how exactly how Clarke would react. "The herbs are not strong, they should be wearing off soon. I figured.." She paused to hold up the bowl. "I figured you would prefer for the pain to continue being subsided." Clarke nodded before looking up fleetingly and smiled appreciatively. The brunette retook her spot next to Clarke, handing her the dish.
As Clarke reapplied, she was pulled back into one of her and Lexa's previous conversations from that day. When she thought further of it, the blonde had been curious of this even longer. "You know, something has been nagging at me for a while now.." Clarke started off. "You say you care, but why?"
If Lexa was honest, she had been waiting for this specific question to come out for quite some time now. Instead of saying the truth- that she cared because she loved her, and things that she loved terrified her, she responded with, "Your answer will come in time, Clarke." Lexa silently pleaded for Clarke to accept what she was willing to give at that moment.
Clarke stared intently at the other girl, but didn't want to intrude, so she dropped the subject, opting for something else. "So.. How'd you become Anya's second."
Lexa chuckled, more OK with this topic than the last. "Do you mean how did we meet, or that specifically?" Truth be told, they were intertwined.
Clarke hummed again before saying, "Both." She then shifted her back, trying to shake the imprint the bark was leaving against her skin. Lexa shrugged her coat off before placing it over Clarke's shoulders. Clarke leaned into it and sighed contently. "You know I have my own jacket right?"
"I have seen it, and I can promise you that the material is too thin to add comfort," Lexa joked, not minding the slightest.
"First you act as a healer, now a tailor, what's next?" Clarke lightly chuckled while shaking her head.
"Need I remind you, I am also Heda," She said before joining in on the laughter. When it died down Lexa began her story with a much more somber face, "We first came in contact when I was four summers old. My birth village, it is on the smaller side- only about thirty strong. There are only ever a few warriors guarding it, most of its population consists of farmers and healers. As a result, I never came in contact with someone that could fight well."
Clarke could see a hazed over look in Lexa's eyes, as if she was actually seeing into the past.
"I always felt a certain pull towards combat; it is possible that that is because of my past lives as Heda." She paused to take a breathe. "My parents.. They did not approve of my interest, they would have preferred for me to become a healer. With one child already training for battle-"
"Wait, you have a sibling?" Clarke interrupted before apologizing, "Sorry, it's still strange for me to hear about siblings after only one kid per couple on The Ark."
Lexa nodded, then her lips turned down sadly as she whispered, "I had a sis.. Her and Anya, they grew up together. Most of their time was spent a great distance from our village. They were lucky, if you can call it that, that a demand of warriors was needed and a general had taken both of them as his seconds. They were never apart from the other, and somewhere along the journey they fell deeply in love with one another. When I was born- my sis, she tried to find more time to visit, but it was always sparingly. If she came, then Anya was forced to stay with their first. That was until their general was murdered in an ambush during a hunting mission." When Lexa felt her throat constrict, she swallowed the fluid in her mouth in an effort to open it up.
Clarke could feel her eyes welling up with tears. This was more than a simple story of one person meeting another, it was a story of love and heartache. She wanted to reach out, but was glued to her spot.
"My sis was with us at the time, and Anya was on a patrol of Polis's wall, so neither were directly affected. They became true warriors that day. I was so excited, my sis told me that Anya was going to travel to our village. I was finally going to meet the mysterious girl who I had only heard tales of- the one who stole my sisters heart. The day she was set to arrive, I pleaded with my sister to take me along to meet her love." Lexa smiled sadly, as she usually did when she tried to remember her sister. "She could never say no to me and agreed."
Trying to stall the next part of the story, Lexa stood and placed another log on the dwindling fire before sitting back down, this time closer to Clarke. The blonde noticed the new proximity, and didn't take her eyes of the brunette the entire time.
Lexa released a deep breathe through her nose before continuing, slightly quieter than before. "With my hand in hers, we left the village- passing tree after tree. After what seemed like hours, we stepped foot into an open clearing. Half way through my sis stopped us, and scanned the trees. At first, I thought it would be Anya, instead I saw something from my nightmares."
Clarke silently slipped her hand into Lexa's, her worry for the girl now overcoming her anxiety of being rejected. When Lexa returned the squeeze, Clarke took it as an invitation to carefully scoot over; now shoulder to shoulder with the other girl.
Lexa found strength in Clarke and managed to raise her voice an octave higher. "A reaper stalked out of the woods. My sis forced me behind her, she tried to tell me to run, but I was paralyzed in my fear. When it charged us, she unsheathed her sword and pushed me further away. I fell on my back and watched everything happen." Lexa sniffled as her eyes watered and her grip on Clarke's hand tightened. "She even managed to knock his weapon away, but he was too big, easily twice her size and absolutely relentless. He tackled her to the ground, the force threw her sword from her hands. Only when I saw him wrap his hands around her neck did I manage to break my stupor. I heaved up her fallen weapon to the best of my ability with great difficulty, it was almost as tall as me."
When Lexa's voice cracked, Clarke let her head drop to her shoulder. She knew how hard it was to talk about the death of a family member, and thought of telling Lexa she didn't have to continue, but figured since she was this far in that Lexa would just finish anyway.
"I stumbled over to them and tried to strike the reaper, but wasn't strong enough to do anything more than nick him. After that it felt as if the world was speeding up. He glared at me, stopping what he was doing only to rip the sword from my hands. Before I had the chance to dodge, he pushed the tip downwards, but instead of me it stabbed my sis. She used all the strength she had left and protected me with the most precious gift: Her life. The next thing I remember is hearing a feral scream, followed by the reaper being tackled away from us. I don't know how his fate ended, I was too occupied with watching the light leave my sis's eyes. I pushed the ends of my shirt over my hands before pulling the sword out, hoping it would make her better, but it only made blood gush from the wound."
Clarke could feel Lexa's breath speed up, so she whispered, "You don't have to finish." As predicted earlier, the brunette only kept going.
"I tried to stop it by placing my small hands over the gash, but accomplished nothing- her fight was already over. I started weeping while hugging her with my face buried in her neck. I only looked up when I heard the new person run to us and slide on their knees. The look in her eyes, that's what told me that she was Anya. She ran her hand over my sisters cheek and kissed her on the forehead before whispering yu gonplei ste odon. Anya, she didn't let a single tear fall as she raised my hands and lifted me to her and cradled me. She told me how brave it was for me to try and save my sis, said I showed the true strength of a warrior. She offered to take me on as her second. At the time, she was another way for me to connect with the sister I barely had the chance to know, so I nodded not being able to speak. I don't know how long we sat there, but she stood and pulled me to my feet. While she was picking my sis up, I picked up her sword by the handle and dragged it along as we headed to our village as warrior and second."
Clarke was now lightly crying, she lifted her head and wiped away Lexa's own tears before asking, "What was her name?"
"Bluma." She hadn't spoken it in so long, it felt like a ghost across her lips. "It translates to flower in trigedasleng."
Clarke nodded, while looking up and the now dark sky. She wanted to repay Lexa for soothing her earlier, so she murmured, "Let the forest absorb your sorrows," knowing Lexa would understand.
Their roles reversed when the grounder immediately let her head fall onto Clarke's shoulder. Her sobs were more controlled, but the blonde still comforted her in any way that she could. This was the only the second time that Lexa permitted herself to release the grief she connected with her sisters tragic downfall. Clarke was also the only person she had ever told, even Costia hadn't known the full details.
Little did they know that Anya had returned at some point into the story, keeping her distance in a nearby tree. A single tear fell from her eye at the memory, because what a beautiful flower she had been.