Chapter 38

Ursa hated the care home. There wasn't anything especially wrong with it; it was decorated to be warm and inviting and the staff was truly compassionate. She hated it because of what it was and why she was there. Knowing her daughter was so sick that she needed this place broke her heart, especially when she dwelt on her role in it all.

They had been there a week and she had demanded the room next to Azula's. At night, she lay awake listening to her daughter cry herself to sleep. It took everything she had not to go to her. She was desperate to pull her into her arms and apologize until she forgave her for completely failing her as a mother.

She wondered if Azula was eating the food she'd been making her. Feeling so utterly helpless, preparing her meals was something she could do. The cook had thrown a fit when she had barged into his kitchen at first but he ultimately capitulated when she explained as much as she could. Having lived so long on her own again she was a decent cook so it hadn't been difficult to make the things she remembered Azula liked.

When she wasn't in the kitchen, Ursa would sit in her room with her back to the wall they shared. The first couple of days had been the worst. Apparently the version of her that Azula saw was fond of taunting and reminding her of her mistakes. Azula never said much to it besides to scream at it to leave her alone and repeat that she wasn't a monster. Hearing that had nearly broken what was left of Ursa's self restraint.

It was true that she hadn't known how to love her abrasive and sometimes mean spirited daughter but that wasn't Azula's fault. Then when Ozai had forced them apart even more she never had the chance to learn how. If only she hadn't so blatantly favored Zuko. If only she had stood up to Ozai on her behalf. Hanging her head as she stood outside Azula's door it felt like all she had was "what if's" and mountains of regret.

It had been mostly quiet for the last two days and the nurses had reported that Azula was eating her meals. Ursa sighed and ran her hand along the door frame. When would she see her? Would she ever even want to? They had agreed to wait until Azula asked to see her rather than force a confrontation but after a week Ursa wondered if she ever would.

"There is an old saying, 'a watched kettle never boils.'Perhaps you should take a break from your constant vigil." Ursa turned a weary eye to the old man and sighed, crossing her arms in front of herself. "I know you are desperate for her but, she needs time to process her fathers deception and decide she wants to see you."

"What if she never wants to see me? I… I wouldn't blame her but…" Her voice broke and she hung her head as she cried. Yun Sui put a tentative hand on her shoulder and waited silently for her to collect herself. "She may not want to see me at all. I know I could help her if, if she gave me a chance. I want to, so badly." Ursa placed a hand on the door. "Azula, I love you my dear girl." Dropping her hand, she turned to leave. "I'm going to make her lunch." With that she turned and strode purposefully down the hall towards the kitchens.

Not long after she had finished preparing lunch and sat down to eat her own, one of the nurses found her. She looked apprehensive and wrung her hands together in front of her.

"Yes?"

"Miss Noriko, um.. do you know where I might find Yun Sui? There is a soldier here asking for him. He says it is of the utmost importance."

Ursa immediately felt panicked. Had Ozai somehow found out about Azula? Had someone recognized her during their travels?

"I um.. the last time I saw him he was about to visit with Az.. with my daughter. He may be there."

The nurse nodded and fled the room. Ursa sat back in her seat, trembling with anxiety. Who was this soldier? Surely if Ozai had sent him there would have been more than one and they would have torn into the care home to find who they were after. No longer hungry, Ursa stood to find out who the intruder was but was stopped by yet another nurse. This was the one who had taken Azula her meal not twenty minutes before.

"Miss Noriko, I've just taken your daughter her lunch. She, she says she is ready to see you."

Ursa nearly choked on the sudden change of overwhelming news. Her worry about the unnamed soldier was quickly forgotten as she followed the nurse back down the long hallway to Azula's room. Stomach churning with nerves, she hoped she would know the right things to say.

When they reached her door, Ursa took a calming breath. Then she took another. Realizing she couldn't, or wouldn't delay any further, she nodded at the nurse and knocked on the door. A muffled 'enter' drifted through the thick wood and she turned the door handle without further hesitation. The sight beyond stole her breath.

Azula was so much bigger than she remembered. Of course she had been hardly more than ten when she had left. Her hair was cut to her shoulders and there were dark circles under her eyes. She was gripping her pale red tunic and looked, to Ursa, a pale reflection of her usual collected self. The crazed gleam in her wide eyes felt like a knife in Ursa's gut. She looked mad and exhausted.

"Oh Azula" she blinked back tears and wrapped her arms around herself to keep from rushing to her.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Mother."

For a long moment, neither moved. Ursa stared at her, eyes filled with remorse and longing. Azula's own eyes burned but she wasn't going to cry, not yet. Ursa blinked several times and cleared her throat, her hands clasped tightly in front of her.

"May I come in?"

Azula nodded tightly and watched her mother cross and sit at her desk. Confused emotions warred within her. She wanted to rage and scream at the women before her. Demand to know why she couldn't love her and why she thought she could waltz back into her life now. She wanted to throw things and burn something, oh Agni how she wanted to burn something. Just as desperately she wanted to cry and run to her like the little girl she was when she'd left. The rage won out.

"What are you doing here? Father told us you were dead. Why aren't you dead?" As her fury built she stood, hands gripping white knuckled at the sides of her tunic. "If you've been alive this whole time why haven't you ever tried to see us? At least Zuko, you loved him didn't you?" To her credit, she hadn't flinched at her accusatory ranting. The mention of Zuko made her eyes twitch and she looked at her hands but she did not draw back from Azula's tone.

"Why are you here with me? I don't understand why you think I would want you here. You never even loved me, why in Agni's name should I give you the time of day now? I can't get away from you no matter how hard I try, for fuck sake!" Ursa had closed her eyes, tears leaking down her face as she listened to the accusations Azula was laying at her feet. With her eyes closed, she couldn't see the tears that were falling from her daughter's. "Why… why don't you love me? Why doesn't anyone love me? I thought… I thought father cared in his own way but… and my friends, they betrayed me too… and Zuko… What is so wrong with me?"

"Oh my little girl, I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry."

Her apology only enraged Azula more. Her throat was sore now and her voice came out in a low rasp.

"Sorry, your sorry? For what exactly?"

Ursa sniffled and wiped her eyes, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. When she looked back up at Azula, her brown eyes were as calm and sure as they'd ever been.

"I haven't been a good mother to you since you learned to bend." Azula snorted and rolled her eyes at that, but she sat and listened. "Truthfully before that. When you and your brother were both very small it was easier. I may not have loved Ozai, but I loved our children. The pair of you made my life infinitely more bearable." At her mother's tremulous smile, Azula turned away and squeezed her arms tighter around herself. "You were never an affectionate little girl, but I suppose not everyone is and there isn't anything wrong with that. Our life, when it was just the three of us at least, was peaceful. As a toddler you weren't any more empathetic or prone to sharing than any other small child. Those are learned traits for everyone. Even as a very young boy, Zuko was such a gentle child. While it made him so very easy to love, your father, I think, decided to pass him over for it the moment you were born. He never cared much how I raised him from then on, he never interfered when I was affectionate or overly doting.

"You though, you were his. When I would interact with you the way I did with Zuko, he would say such cruel things to him to spite me. For every time I tried to teach you how to be kind and loving he would encourage your natural childish cruelty." Azula watched her mother look more remorseful with every word. She was still angry and hurt and confused, but she reasoned she had already screamed her throat raw and might as well listen. When Ursa reached as if she wanted to touch her she flinched and her hand dropped back to her lap.

"I was such a coward then. I am ashamed Azula, ashamed to tell you that I allowed my fear of him and what he would do to your brother and even you if I tried to stand against him to protect you properly. The older you got the more you grew like him. Then you started bending, younger than Zuko and more powerful from that first flame." Ursa shook her head as more tears fell. "Agni you scared me then. I was so afraid of what you were becoming and I had so little sway over you. More intelligent than Ozai, more powerful too. I did not know how to love you by that point. You were duplicitous and cruel and a terrifying bender. Ozai praising these things only made it worse and I lavished all of my attention and love on your brother to make up for it, one of many mistakes. I knew then I had utterly failed you. I was, am, your mother. It was my job, my most important job, to love you and raise you to be a good and honorable person and I was too cowardly to do it.

"When Ozai made his deal with me to spare Zuko after Lu Ten died, he forbade me from taking either of you with me. I knew, or thought I knew, that there was no place in this world I could have taken you that he wouldn't have found us. I deluded myself into thinking that he would be kinder to Zuko, less manipulative and unyielding to you if I were gone. I should have been braver and stronger for both of you. I should have poisoned Ozai instead."

Azula had nothing to say. Tears stained her tunic and she was more confused than ever. Conflicting emotions raged and she again teetered between rage and neediness. She was so wrapped up in her own head she missed Ursa dropping to her knees in front of her. When she looked down, both of her mother's hands hovered over hers and she was looking up at her with tear filled eyes.

"I know it will take time for you to want anything to do with me, if you ever do, but I needed you to know how sorry I am. I want to do whatever I can to help you. It breaks my heart to see you here, so broken. I swear to you, I will never abandon you again. I have never been able to show you but Azula, my dear, dear girl, I love you so very much."

When all Azula did was stare at her with wide, terrified eyes, Ursa smiled weakly and made to leave. Before she had crossed the room, Azula spoke again. Her voice was so quiet Ursa had to strain to hear.

"You never said… why me? Why are you here, why didn't you ever try to find Zuko?"

Azula watched as Ursa stiffened and wiped fresh tears before turning back to her.

"When your brother was banished he had his uncle. He didn't need me. You did. I knew I had always favored him, caring and supporting him when I couldn't do any of that for you. I had to stay. It was the only thing I could do for you. I stayed in the Fire Nation to be closer to you. I'm here now because you still need me and I don't want to be anywhere else."

It wasn't a conscious decision, but two breaths after Ursa had finished Azula was in her mother's arms. Big, ugly sobs wracked her as she clung to her, Ursa holding her back just as tight. They sat like that, a sobbing heap on the floor, until neither of them had any more tears left to cry, and for a while after that. Ursa stroked her hair and muttered apologizes and promises in turn and Azula allowed herself to feel everything. She wasn't anything like the cruel women that had stalked her mirrors. Yun Sui was right, she had been lies and delusion. This was her mother, and Azula decided she wanted to believe her when she said she loved her.