Chapter 40

Alive.

Zuko was alive.

She had believed both of her children dead and in her grief she had almost followed. Then Yun Sui had turned up and told her Azula's death had been a lie. Ursa had felt the vice around her lungs begin to loosen then, but her chest still ached knowing she would never see her son again.

Now she felt like she could truly breathe for the first time since the comet. Zuko, her precious boy was alive. The soldier who had so unnerved them all had seen him only a month before his visit. Her stomach clenched with nerves when she thought of his intention to challenge his father again, but for now at least she knew he was safe. More than safe. Her son had married for love, something she herself had been denied and had always wanted for her children, and he would soon be a father. Ursa wished she could go to him. Yun Sui was certain her son and his family were in Ba Sing Se with Iroh and that they would likely be there for some time. Knowing with relative certainty where he was and being unable to go to him was painful. She kept herself from despair by imagining him happy with his pregnant young bride. Picturing him holding his firstborn in his arms brought her to tears. She prayed she would be reunited with him soon. Until then, she had her reason for staying. Azula.

Zuko undoubtedly missed her, but he still had his uncle and now his own family to think of. Her daughter had only her, and now several weeks after being reunited, she had made astounding progress. It would still be a long time before she was fully herself, mostly because she was having to relearn what that meant. They took every meal together and after her afternoon session with the mind healer, spent time in the homes large garden. Azula had initially baulked at the idea of digging around in the dirt like 'some common peasant' until Ursa had gently reprimanded for her attitude towards those she viewed as beneath her. She had taken to the idea more when Ursa expressed her desire to share her family's knowledge of plants and herbs with her only daughter. It was something special for the pair of them to do together, even if it was unseemly. Gradually, she seemed to find the work cathartic.

Ursa had been at the care home for five weeks when Azula finally asked about her brother. Before she knew he was alive, she had dreaded this conversation. She had been worried that Azula would believe she was only with her because Zuko was dead. Now that he was alive again, she wondered what Azula would say about his choice of bride. Yun Sui had told her it had been this Master Katara who had ultimately defeated Azula nearly five months before. They were in the garden, weeding around a bed of fire lilies when she asked where he was.

"I've been thinking about my brother. Since father is back in the palace, where did he and that water tribe bitch go?"

"Azula!"

She sighed dramatically and tried again."Fine, the water tribe girl. Where did Zuzu and the water tribe girl go? Have you heard anything? Surely father would have sent people after them. They don't get hardly any news here, not that anyone bothers to tell me if they do. It's been ages since then, did they escape?"

Ursa thought carefully about her answer before she spoke but still let her emotions get the best of her.

"Yes, I heard things before I came here, and have since heard more." She looked up at her daughter across the plants as she wiped her hair from her face. "Ozai announced more than three months ago that an assassin had successfully killed Zuko." While Azula's face betrayed nothing, her hand slid from her trowel's handle mid scoop and the dirt fell back into place before she quickly righted herself. "The bastard practically sang it from the palace rooftop. He demanded a nation wide celebration to mark the end of my failed line. Apparently he plans to make a new heir with his new, child bride." Her tone grew slightly more bitter as she continued, oblivious to Azula's mounting distress. "Poor girl is hardly older than Zuko, plucked from the military ranks too. He held a tournament to find the strongest bender and married the winner." She clucked her tongue as she through an offending weed over her shoulder with more force than necessary. "She was a low ranking officer I heard. Now he has a better, more powerful wife to bear him more perfect children. As if there was anything wrong with you or your brother that wasn't his own fault!"

She finally heard Azula's grunting sobs as she angrily tore at the earth. Shame at the casual way she had shared such painful information with her emotionally fragile daughter overwhelmed her and she dropped her own trowel and went to her side.

"Oh Azula I'm sorry. Please, sweetheart stop! You're going to hurt yourself!" Managing to wrest the steel tool from her hands, Ursa pulled her into her arms.

"He.. father celebrated my death? I.. why would he… I haven't been gone six months and he is already replacing me?" Her voice was alternately hard and tremulous as conflicting emotions warred within her. "I know he hated Zuko, months ago I would have been glad to have killed him myself but… was I such a failure in his eyes?" The imploring look she gave her mother broke her heart all over again.

"Ozai is a callous bastard Azula and he does not deserve your tears. I am so terribly sorry that he is treating your memory this way. No one deserves that." It took several minutes before Azula was calm enough to speak again, her voice still strained.

"So, Zuko's dead?" Ursa shook her head against Azula's shoulder where it rested.

"No. Not long after I arrived we had a visit from one of your uncle's allies. Zuko faked his death, allowing your father and everyone else to think him dead. We believe he is in Ba Sing Se with Iroh and the um.. water tribe girl." Azula pulled back and looked up at her again.

"If he is alive, and you know where he is why are you still here?"

"I told you before Azula. You need me more than he does. Yes it is true that I desperately want to see him, but he is doing just fine without me. I need to be here with you, I want to be with you."

A small smile briefly flashed across her daughters face before it twisted in thought.

"What about the water tribe, girl? Are you sure she's alive?"

She must have failed at keeping the cringe off of her face because Azula narrowed her eyes and demanded an answer.

"Well, it turns out that the water tribe girl, Master Katara, and your brother were quite close. According to the visitor who had spoken to him as recently as two months ago, they married and she is pregnant with his child." If it hadn't been such a serious moment, Ursa would have laughed at the look of astonishment on Azula's face.

"What!?" She pulled back from Ursa and scrambled to her feet. "After what she did to me? He goes and marries her? How DARE he?!" She stomped a few feet away, her arms crossed tightly and her lovely golden eyes narrowed in anger. "Of course he did. I knew he cared too much for her, that's why I…" Here she paused and looked tentatively over at Ursa. Her brow still knit with indignation and anger, Ursa realized what she was talking about.

"Why you tried to kill her?"

"Yes. How do you know about that? No don't tell me, Yun Sui, the gossipy old goat-gorilla. Yes, I tried to kill her. Why shouldn't I have? She is, was… is my enemy! It doesn't matter anyway. Zuko got in the way and she more than paid me back. I know he's always been soft and emotional but Agni be damned, she's a water tribe peasant! I would have thought he'd have had more sense than that."

Ursa listened quietly to her rant. It hurt her to hear Azula speak this way but she knew on some level that her anger was justified. So she allowed her to vent without interruptions. Azula whirled back to face her mother and laughed bitterly.

"Can you imagine what father would say? What kind of Fire Nation prince marries some nobody girl from the South pole? I guess it's a good thing he isn't one anymore. He won't ever be Fire Lord now, not that he'd ever be able to stand up to father. He needed her help to defeat me!"

Feeling it best to leave out his plans to do just that for now, Ursa looked around. It was fortunate they were alone in the garden just then.

"You are angry. Is it because you think he married below his station or because of your personal past with his chosen bride?"

She frowned and turned her ire on Ursa.

"Of course I'm angry. I'm fucking furious! Can you blame me? Are you taking his side? Of course you would. He runs off and marries some foreign bitch that almost killed me and you're asking me if I'm angry. He even went and got her pregnant too, and in the middle of a war! What an idiot!" She kicked at the bushes around her and wiped roughly at her eyes.

"I'm not taking anyone side Azula." She turned and sighed. "It's always so complicated with our family isn't it." Dusting her hands off on her tunic, she stood and went to her daughter. "I understand why you are upset. I do. Neither you or your brother have had very happy or easy lives." Azula rolled her eyes but didn't interrupt. "You have both been so miserable for so long. This water tribe girl, even you say you could tell how much he cared for her. Yun Sui told me from what he saw after your Agni Kai that they seemed very close. Desperately in love. He married her because he loves her, not as a slight to you." She stroked Azula's hair back from her eyes and smiled at her. "He had an opportunity to marry for love and start his own family, to be happy. That is all I ever wanted for both of you. I never thought it was possible, but he did it." Azula pushed away and wiped at her eyes again.

"Great. He gets to be a happy Earth Kingdom peasant with his water tribe hussy and a no doubt irritatingly adorable baby and I'm stuck here. Broken, useless, miserable and bereft my one true joy. Without my bending I feel like I'm... missing my favorite arm." Ursa's heart clenched listening to her, her voice becoming almost a whisper by the end. "It's not fair."

"This isn't the end of your story Azula. You won't be trapped here forever. It's only been a few months and look how much progress you've made. I don't know if I am helping you at all but… As much as it breaks my heart to see what Ozai and… and what I have done to you, I am so proud of you for working so hard to overcome it all." Ursa put a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Yun Sui will give you your bending back someday, you won't feel this way forever. I want more than anything for you to find happiness too and I know in my heart that you will."

Azula turned around and gave her a long, speculative look.

"You really believe that don't you?" When she only nodded in reply, Azula huffed and turned to head back inside. "I think I've had enough digging in the dirt for today mother. I'd like to take my dinner alone tonight. I find that I am too tired for further company today."

Ursa watched her go, thinking back over their conversation and wishing she'd had more care. Here she was doing her best to help Azula, to understand her and love her how she needed and she still couldn't get it quite right. How could she have been so callous when talking about Ozai's abhorrent behavior? She was angry with him all over again for so easily dismissing his children and spurning their memory once he believed them dead. Kicking out at the closest fire lily, Ursa swore when her toe caught a particularly thick plant stalk. Huffing in agitation, she followed Azula inside and decided she might try some meditation after her own dinner.