Chapter 41

Learning about her father's recent actions and her brothers perceived betrayal had taken weeks for Azula to get over. She hated that she had been so emotional over it. It made her feel weak and not in control of herself. The deep hurt she felt when she thought about how easily her father had cast her memory aside as though she had been some lowly maid servant had completely disrupted her progress. For three days after the conversation in the garden, Azula hardly left her bed. When she did, the nightmare visions of her mother that had more or less ceased to bother her recently came back with crippling force.

Her hallucinations were further warped now that she had begun to bond with her real mother. Now that she could finally admit to herself that the Ursa in her mirror was just in her head, her self loathing subconscious took full creative control. Sometimes the reflections would twist and a hideous amalgamation of her parents' faces would leer down at her instead. Ozai's voice was every bit as cruel when it dripped like acid from her mother's sneering mouth. Whatever she saw, their words always tore at her deepest insecurities and guilt.

On the fourth morning her mother, the real one, had evidently had enough of being locked out again. She had told Azula, after barging in and kneeling beside her bed, she couldn't bear to let her wallow in despair a moment longer. When Azula had refused to allow the blankets to be pulled from over her face, Ursa had wrenched the mirror from the wall and thrown it out the open window. "There, I am your mother Azula and only me. That thing inside your head that haunts you speaks only lies. I am here now and I banish it." With that she had yanked the covers from her face and pulled her daughter into her arms, murmuring words of love and acceptance against her temple.

Gradually, they had gotten back into their routine. Sessions with her mind healer, hours in the garden learning what was needed to make a burn salve, and daily meditation, all helped as Azula tried to relearn who she was. Months passed this way. As Azula learned the properties of various plants, her mother tried also to teach her about empathy and kindness. After a while, Azula felt she understood at least in principle. Weather or not she would be able to act on the new skills she didn't know. Cloistered away as they were, she had little interaction with other people besides her mother and Yun Sui. She had little call to speak with the nurses, though sometimes she would try to practice polite conversation when they brought her meals. It was always stilted and left Azula feeling frustrated.

One thing Azula knew for certain was that spending so much time with her mother was revitalizing. She had never realized just how much she needed the unconditional love and understanding that she'd witnessed between her mother and Zuko. Having it now, free from her father's influence, Azula was beginning to feel something she never truly had. She was happy.

It was tentative at first. Allowing her walls to come down, letting go of her hurt and all of the unattainable expectations she had always held herself too had been difficult. Her mother had refused to give up on her. It was one afternoon, several months after Lieutenant Jee's first visit, while grinding herbs in the garden beside her mother that she had first felt it. She had nearly dropped her pestle when the thought occurred to her. There hadn't been anything special about the moment. Ursa had been telling her about her life before she had met Ozai while they worked and they had just shared a laugh at a particularly funny memory. In that moment, she was happy.

While meditating the next morning, Azula had noted the beauty of the sunrise from her balcony. The smouldering embers of her inner fire had felt hot in her chest as she watched a myriad of color bloom across the sky before bright blue overtook everything in sight. Agni seemed to shine brighter just for her that morning and the joy she felt lasted the whole day.

Summer was upon them before they knew it and the days were long and hot. So close to the ocean, cool salty breezes kept them outdoors despite the warm sun. It was on one such glorious day that more news came. Yun Sui was away, visiting an old friend in the Earth Kingdom, so the nurse had summoned Ursa when it arrived. When she came back to where they had been working in the garden, Azula noticed her furrowed brow and sad eyes. Whatever it was, it had not been good news.

"What is wrong mother? I know I'm still not an expert at reading others emotions but even I can tell you seem, upset."

Ursa looked at her for a long moment before shaking her head as if to banish the bad thoughts and forced a smile.

"It's nothing. Nothing important…" She joined her at their work table, carefully avoiding her eye as she ran her hands over the various plant cuttings laid out. Azula turned and glared at her, knowing she was lying. When she finally caught her eye, Ursa sighed and reached for her hand.

"I know you are lying mother. Whatever it is has you worried, tell me what it is." As an afterthought, "please."

When she finally answered, Ursa spoke slowly as if she were afraid of how she would react.

"It's your father's new bride. She has given birth to a son, they have named him Sozin. Forgive me for trying to keep it from you my love. I only wanted to spare you this as long as I could but you are too perceptive. I suppose I was wrong to try to withhold it."

She could feel her mother's careful gaze as she stared at the late summer blooms before her. Azula waited for the pain to come, the sadness at her father's abandonment that had nearly destroyed her months before. Breathing deeply through her nose, she closed her eyes. The earth was cool between her toes, and a gentle breeze stirred her hair. There was no pain, no overwhelming sadness. At least not for herself. Remembering her own childhood, Azula felt pity for the babe. Surely this child, her half brother, would know an even worse side of their father. Opening her eyes and looking back at her mother, perhaps for the first time in her life she was moved with compassion and the need to do something for someone else. This cycle could not continue. She could not allow her father to hurt this baby as he had hurt her.

"I want to kill him." At her mother's alarmed look she amended. "Not the child, father. He is going to do to this new son what he did to me. Worse maybe. He's named him Sozin for Agni's sake. Clearly he intends to mold him in his image. I feel the strangest urge to protect this baby I owe absolutely nothing to." It was a completely forigen feeling to her. Her whole life she had tried not to care about others, and the older she got it became natural to think only of her own needs and desires. Suddenly her breath hitched as a new thought occurred to her. "Do you think… Do you think Zuko ever felt that way about me?"

Ursa reached up and ran her hand through Azula's hair and thought a moment before answering.

"Yes, he did. When you were very small, Zuko doted on you. You were his precious baby sister." Azula wished she could remember as she watched a wistful smile flit briefly across her mother's face. "The older you got, and the more Ozai influenced you, the more your brother's love turned to fear and mistrust. But it didn't start out that way. I don't know what all has transpired between the pair of you since I was banished but I hope that one day you will have a better relationship again."

At that insane comment, Azula snorted a laugh and turned back to her work. She had betrayed her brother too many times for him to ever trust her again. Now that she had this new relationship with their mother, she regretted her treatment of Zuko. Ozai had truly poisoned everything he touched. What would her life be like now if she had been able to hang on to their relationship. She shook her head to banish the thought. It was too late for that now.

"Not likely, mother. I believe I have betrayed his better nature too many times. 'Azula always lies.'' His favorite saying anytime I interact with him. One I earned several times over. I don't think Zuko could ever trust me again. How good of a relationship can there be if there is no trust? You told me that."

Ursa was thoughtful beside her at the work table for a moment before putting her hand on her shoulder. Azula paused her mixing to look up at her mother again. Ursa's eyes were sad but she smiled at her and reached up to brush the hair that had fallen into Azula's face.

"Perhaps one day you could learn to love one another again. I know it might seem impossible now but who knows." Dropping her hand, she looked over the various gathered herbs and flowers. "It's my hope anyway. If there was no war and no great distance between us I would like to have my family together." Azula rolled her eyes at her mother's idealistic nonsense but did not interrupt. "I can't believe I am a grandmother. I wonder when the baby was born, if it was a son or a daughter. What do you think they would have named it? "

"Probably something water tribe. Katara, his wife, I don't really know much about her other than she is a water bender and annoyingly righteous. Anyway, I bet she would want it that way. She seems like she would be a bossy and comendeering wife. I bet all she has to do is say 'jump' and Zuko asks 'how high?'" Ursa sighed and gave her a dubious look.

"Azula, that is an uncharitable to say. I know it has been many years since I have seen your brother but I doubt that very much. Though, you are probably correct about the name."

They worked together in a comfortable silence for some time after that. The grinding of their pestles the only sound as Azula's thoughts wandered to her new brother again. She had meant what she'd said. She wanted to kill her father, not that she would ever have the chance. Everything he had done to her was enough of an incentive but now there was someone else who needed to be free of him. The more she thought about it the more anxious she became. Suddenly her mother had grabbed her hands and stopped her. Looking down she saw that she had overdone it and nearly cracked the small stone bowl she was using. Huffing in irritation she through her pestle down and turned from the table.

"Are you sure you're alright sweetheart?"

Azula drug her fingers through her hair and made an attempt at the breathing exercises the mind healer had taught her. Halfway through the second breath her frustration got the better of her.

"No I'm not. I meant what I said about father. I don't understand why I feel so strongly about this, but I want to help this child. Maybe it's because I have completely ruined my relationship with my other brother. Maybe it's because I know what it's like to be raised by Ozai. I know father will be even worse this time, more controlling, more manipulative. This child will be subject to even more," she paused trying to recall the phrasing her healer had used "mental anguish than I was. What if he disappoints him the way Zuko did and he disfugers him?"

Spinning on her heel, she faced her mother again. The look of pained understanding she found there only frustrated her more. She growled out her anger at the cloudless sky. Never had she felt so helpless. Trapped here on this stupid vacation island in this stupid care facility with these stupid people, she wanted to burn it to the ground. More than anything she wanted her fire back. She missed the way it burned hot inside her chest. She missed sparring and training and the rush of creating lightning. Azula knew why Yun Sui had taken away her bending. A year ago she had been raving and paranoid and, if she was truly honest with herself, a little evil. It had been for everyone else's protection that he had done it. Now though, was she still that person?

When she looked at her mother through tear blurred eyes, she hoped she wasn't. She didn't want to be that person anymore. That girl had been sad and angry and so very lonely. More than a year spent in this stupid garden with the mother she now knew loved her and Azula was finally happy. Sure she still got angry sometimes but she was pretty sure that was something everyone struggled with, but that didn't matter because she was a different person now.

Ursa interrupted her thoughts.

"I guess, now is a good time to tell you that Zuko plans to face your father again. Perhaps, perhaps you might be able to save little Sozin after all."