Chapter 57
The air around her sparked with uncontrolled electricity and smelled of ozone. She heard her uncle shouting at her to stop but she couldn't, it was too late for that. Azula clenched her teeth and squinted as she continued the hand motions to bend the lightning to her will, even as she realized it was futile. One moment she was standing, arms tracing wide arcs, the next she was being thrown back into Iroh. Both of them landed in a heap on the hard ground. Groaning as she rolled off her uncle, Azula swiped at the hair that clung to her face and swore when she realized how badly it was singed.
"Damnit! What is wrong with me Uncle? Lightning has always been so easy for me but ever since Yun Sui unblocked my chi I can't manage to control it!"
Iroh reached a hand up and she helped him to his feet. As he dusted himself off, he gave her an appraising look.
"If I am being honest Azula, I've never understood how you could bend lightning to begin with. Separating the elements to form lightning requires a sound and peaceful mind and balanced chi. While you may have been sound of mind before your father pushed you to your mental break, you have never had a peaceful mind. According to Zuko, you were clearly not in your right mind when you had your Agni Kai and yet you nearly killed him with it then. You defy what should be, my niece. I think tomorrow I will teach you to redirect as I did Zuko."
Azula thought about this. How could that be true? Iroh was right that she had never had a peaceful mind and even after her break she had been able to produce lightning. Why then, now that she had regained her sanity notably with more peace than ever before, could she not?
"Perhaps it is down to your natural talent and the confidence it gave you. You knew you could because everyone always told you that you were the greatest young bender in an age."
Azula groaned and tugged on her singed hair as they walked back to camp. "But that doesn't explain why I can't do it now! What is wrong with me uncle?"
Iroh sighed heavily beside her. "Before you found us in Ba Sing Se, Zuko and I had been traveling for many weeks. Most of that time your brother was on his own. While traveling as an Earth Kingdom refugee he witnessed some of the horrors our country has visited upon the people here. These experiences caused him to question everything he had ever been taught. This created great conflict within him and as a result his bending suffered. As you know, many firebenders use their hate and anger to fuel their fire but Zuko found that was no longer enough."
Huffing in irritation, Azula interrupted. "What does Zuko's problem have to do with me?"
Iroh only chuckled. "Why, everything my dear. When your brother faced a crisis of personal identity, he could not properly control his fire. He had to reconcile himself with his new understanding of the world and the fact that he could no longer fuel his fire with hate and anger." He put a hand on her shoulder, turning her gently to face him. "You too, my dear, face a similar problem. Truly let go of the anger you hold for your past and embrace the possibility of a future full of family and love." It took a few uncomfortable moments before Azula returned the embrace. When he pulled back, he was smiling. "Now, I think I need a nice cup of tea after that. We have a long day of walking ahead of us."
There was nothing she could say to that. She didn't know if she could let go of her anger and a future like the one he described seemed impossible for her. Shaking her head, Azula marched back to her tent and began packing up her things. Just as she finished stuffing her bedroll into her pack, Katara's voice broke into her concentration.
"Wait Sokka! Let me make sure she's secure first!"
Katara was following an amused Sokka towards her, Kya attached to his chest in a dark green wrap of fabric.
"Relax Katara, I've got this. See, she's perfectly happy. You just fed her and I even changed her pants! Calm down and go find Zuko or something."
Katara folded her arms across her chest and huffed irritably before throwing her hands in the air in defeat.
"Fine, come find me in a few hours when she's hungry. Just be careful!"
"Yes mom."
Sokka laughed after his sister had gone and walked the few feet to Azula.
"I swear, your mommy needs to relax. It's not like this is the first time I've babysat."
Azula stood with a tight smile. Kya turned and stared at her with wide blue eyes, her pudgy hand waving in her direction.
"See? She remembers you. This is your Auntie Azula, she helped save you from the big mean men."
Cautiously, Azula met Kya's grabby hand with her finger, cringing when it was immediately pulled into the baby's mouth.
"Gross, you have no idea where that's been."
Sokka laughed and ruffled the girl's soft hair.
"She puts everything in her mouth. Katara and Sitka say it's normal but I'm waiting for her to eat something gross off the ground."
After she pulled her hand back and wiped her finger on her pants, she bent to grab her pack. Momo, who had been off finding breakfast came back just then and flew up to Sokka's shoulder. The furry, big eared creature patted Kya on the head, eliciting a shriek of delight. Azula laughed and reached to stroke the little girls hair as the lemur grabbed his ears at the sound.
"She is loud isn't she. At least she's cute I guess." Sokka smiled at her over Kya's head and she felt her face heat so she turned away a little too quickly. "Come on you, it's time to go."
Azula could hear him laughing as she stalked towards the rest of their group with a small smile of her own.
oOoOoOoOoOo
Katara had never been such a confused mix of hope and trepidation as they walked to Omashu. Azula interacting with her daughter and brother felt otherworldly. Deciding to give her husband's sister a chance had been one thing, not interfering when she was near Kya was proving to be nearly too much. Despite everything, Katara still expected Azula to betray them. Then she would say something Katara couldn't hear and Sokka would laugh or she would smile tentatively and play with Kya how Sokka showed her and the hope that Azula really had changed would bloom.
Judging by the look he'd had all day as he walked beside her, Zuko felt similarly. They had clutched tightly to one another's hands, each keeping the other from swooping in to take their daughter back. When they had finally stopped to make camp for the night and Sokka had handed Kya back to her, Katara had felt a little silly for being so relieved. She hugged her happy baby tight and tried not to be too obvious as she kept one eye on Azula.
Sitting beside her, Zuko swept her hair aside and kissed her shoulder. He handed her dinner and watched their friends around the fire as he ate. Before he could say anything, Toph plopped down on Katara's other side.
"Anyone else find it a little weird that we haven't had any trouble with the Fire Nation soldiers that should be keeping an eye on this road? We aren't exactly subtle and a group this large traveling away from Ba Sing Se should attract attention. I have no doubt Ozai has scouts throughout this region."
Katara frowned as she considered this. They were still well within Earth Kingdom territory but that had never stopped refugees from being attacked by Fire Nation raiders from time to time. Toph was right, their group was a prime target for such an attack. In fact they had anticipated it. At night they took turns keeping watch and the warriors they traveled with were on alert.
"Any raiding in this region would have to be approved by my father. He most definitely has eyes here, I don't know why we haven't been bothered yet. As far as I know, we don't have anyone inside the palace."
No that wasn't right, the maid… oh what was her name.
"Zuko do you remember the maid that helped us escape? She said she was going to try to get her job back so she could pass information. What was her name… Maybe she has something to do with it."
Zuko looked thoughtful a moment before shaking his head. "Not likely. She was just a ladies maid, she wouldn't be close enough to my father to intercept news like that, nevermind it would be incredibly dangerous. Her name was Ming."
Sitting on the other side of the fire beside Sokka, Azula interjected.
"I realize that is probably a common name but on the ship Mother and I took to the colonies we met a soldier with a sister named Ming. She was a ladies maid in the palace. The soldier was rather put out with Father because apparently his sister had the misfortune of catching his eye once the new Fire Lady had given birth."
She leveled Zuko with a meaningful glare and a lead weight sank in Katara's gut when she understood. Beside her, Zuko's brow was drawn in anger. The young women that had helped them was kind and brave, she didn't deserve to be raped for her trouble.
"I wondered why she would stay if it was so bad for her, it couldn't have just been the pay. If she was sneaking out information though…"
Zuko let out a long breath and leaned forward, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Father deserves everything he's going to get. Yes, that makes sense. If that's the same Ming, she is likely the one sharing information about the Fire Lady. She would also be well placed as father's… favorite to intercept any missives if she were daring enough. That would explain a lot."
They ate in silence after that, each pondering the fate of the maid turned spy. Noticing Kya was asleep in her lap, Katara finished her meal and excused herself. Zuko stood to follow and the three of them went back to their tent. Once Kya was tucked in bed in her side of their small shelter, Katara sat back in Zuko's lap and they stared at her. Zuko's voice rumbled against her back when he spoke.
"She seemed to enjoy herself today."
A tired smile lifted the corner of Katara's mouth.
"She loves her uncle Sokka." Running a finger along Kya's cheek she added, "She seems to like your sister too."
"Is this what it felt like for you when I joined the group back in the Western Air Temple? Like up is down and you're the only one that doesn't get it? Sokka clearly has some weird thing with her and even Toph tolerates her. Iroh would give anyone a chance if he thought they deserved it which he clearly does. Even my own daughter smiles at her; but everytime I look at her I remember 'Azula always lies,' the mantra of my childhood and I don't know what to do."
Nuzzling back into Zuko's chest, Katara tried to remember how it had felt to mistrust her husband. Truthfully she couldn't say exactly when that had changed, only that it had and then everything was different. After his betrayal in Ba Sing Se she hadn't wanted to believe he could change, but he had and gradually she accepted it. Azula had betrayed Zuko similarly more times than she knew, it was no wonder he was so confused.
"It is, only you have a more complicated history with your sister than we ever had. If it makes you feel any better, I have been feeling the same way all day." Remembering what Azula had said to Zuko weeks before, she rolled so she could look him in the eye. "I overheard what she said to you, the morning she woke up? I didn't mean to but I got there just as she was talking. She sounded so sincerely heartbroken about your relationship. It made me think of Sokka and how important he is to me, I don't know what I'd do if we had been raised like the pair of you."
Zuko looked immensely sad at the mention of their shared childhood and ruined bond. Reaching up to brush his cheek, she waited for him to speak again.
"I know there was a time when we were small, before either of us could bend, that we were like normal kids. My memories are hazy because I was so young, but I know we used to love each other. What she said to me that day, what you heard, it made me hate our father so much more for taking that away from us." Katara caught the first tear that escaped as he allowed himself to feel the hurt and anger that he usually kept locked away. "I want so badly to have that again, to have what you and Sokka have, what we should have had, but I just don't think I will ever be able to trust her. You can't have any kind of relationship, not anything meaningful, without trust."
Seeing this damaged and heartbroken side of her husband hurt terribly. The healer in Katara wanted to fix the wound she knew was there, but this was not something a little bit of glowing water could solve. What he said was true, as long as he withheld trust, Zuko and Azula would never have any kind of relationship. Unable to take away his pain, Katara held him close, offering him what comfort she could.
"Well, she's only been in our lives again for little more than a month, give it time. We don't have to trust her with Kya, but maybe you can start by opening yourself to her a little at a time. If she ends up betraying you again well, we can fight that fight when we come to it. If not, maybe someday you'll have a better relationship. You can't love someone without risk, you might as well take a small one while she's here."
His smile was slight, but the kiss that followed told her that he understood.
A/N It's finally finished! I'm sorry it took so long. I underestimated how busy I'd be with work and homeschooling my daughter and normal busy life stuff mixed in with the depression and anxiety. I'm pushing for one chapter a week. I really don't want to lose track of this story. It's important to me and I know what it's like when fics get spotty updates. I'm trying! As always, I hope you liked this chapter and thank you for every review.