Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 2

What if Petunia tried a Different Method to Cut Harry's Hair?

And What if the Reptile Exhibit Incident was More...Drastic?

By

Jason Richard

Harry Potter grew up never knowing that he was a wizard. His Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon never told him that he and his parents were magical. This was quite irritating when they punished him for something magical that he didn't even know he was doing. Like his hair. Harry liked his hair kind of messy, so when Petunia cut it he subconsciously grew it back within a day magically.

One day she tried taking him to the barber. Surely being in public would discourage him from using that nasty magic. Right?

The bell rang announcing their entrance to the barber and a very perturbed Harry Potter scowled as he was seated. It wasn't his fault his hair grew fast, so far as he knew.

Petunia stepped outside for a moment to get something done and the Barber got started. He turned on his electric razor and started, cutting the boy's hair short as his Aunt requested.

"Bzzt," the razor went as he cut a strip of hair short. The barber looked away and then…

"Foomp!"

What the...the Barber looked back and the hair had returned instantly.

Harry thought, Oh great. Another weird thing i'm going to get blamed for.

The Barber, meanwhile, seemed bewildered. How did the hair come back? He checked the floor and the hair he had cut off was still there, right where it had originally fallen.

He tried again. "Bzzt!"

And the hair came back, "Foomp!"

And he tried again.

Petunia walked in a few moments later and nearly had a heart attack at the sight. The Barber, with a bewildered look on his face, was still trying in vain to cut the boy's hair as it kept popping back in.

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

There was a pile of hair on the floor the size of a st. bernard dog, and the poor confused man just kept buzzing away while Harry just sat there cringing.

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Bzzt!"

"Foomp!"

"Enough!" cried Petunia, grabbing Harry's hand and dragging him away.

The barber began to ask, "What…"

"ENOUGH!" shrieked Petunia as they disappeared outside.

…

After that fiasco at the Barber's Harry was bewildered he got allowed to go to the zoo on Dudley's birthday later that week. Apparently he only got to go because they got an extra ticket and another kid had to cancel. As Harry walked through the entrance of the zoo he couldn't believe his luck.

"And it has to be luck," he muttered to himself. "It's not like I have magic powers that subconsciously arranged things so that I could go."

…

Earlier that day, at exactly the same time Harry was in the cupboard under the stairs wishing he could go to the zoo, another kid was at the park. This kid would have gotten the ticket Harry was going to use, but at that exact moment Harry's accidental magic triggered.

"Weird," thought the kid, 'I have this strange urge to walk over here and stand in this exact spot.' As the kid did this, he wondered why.

Then someone shouted at him, "Watch out for the baseball!"

"THWACK!"

…

So Harry Potter got to go to the zoo, despite much protest from Dudley. Harry got to see the monkeys, the exotic birds, the wolves, the frogs, and all sorts of stuff. He even saw lions, tigers, and bears.

Though nothing happened when he saw them.

What did happen, happened in the reptile exhibit. Harry was walking through it as he looked at all the lizards and snakes, and stopped by one particular snake. For some reason Harry felt sorry for it.

"Locked up in a tiny space?" said Harry, thinking of the cupboard under the stairs that was his bedroom. "I can relate."

"Oh really?" said the snake. "You're kept in a cage usually?"

Harry, despite his surprise at a talking snake, replied, "Not a cage...you can't see out of my space."

"Too bad," said the snake. "But at least you're out now…"

But both the snake and Harry were surprised when Dudley came out of nowhere and pushed Harry over.

"Out of the way skinny!" cried Dudley. "I wanna see!"

Dudly reached out to put his hands on the glass, but was surprised when his hands touched nothing. What he didn't know was that Harry had accidentally used magic again, this time to make the glass disappear.

From every single cage in that room.

"Uh…" said one of the other snakes. "Guys? You know that clear stuff that stops us from getting to that walking meat that stares at us all day? I think it's gone."

There was a moment of silence as the humans in the room realized the glass was gone. And then…

Snake, "DIBS ON THE FAT ONE!"

Children started screaming and scattering as snakes leapt from their cages with their mouths open. Both Harry and Dudley scampered away, each climbing into windowsills as snakes collected beneath them. Actually most of the snakes collected around Dudley. There was only one that went for Harry. Harry was scared, but he remembered how he had been able to talk to that one snake, and how weird things seemed to happen around him. Could it be that he had some sort of powers? Could he really talk to snakes?

Could he...maybe...convince this one to go after Dudley as well? No wait, that wouldn't be fair. Harry was better than that. Besides, he'd know Dudley for years. They'd had plenty of cousinly moment together, like Dudley punching Harry, kicking Harry, forcefully shoving Harry's head into...

"Hey snake, you see the fat kid over there?" said Harry in his most charming voice. "Doesn't he look much more delicious than me? I'm all skin and bones, but he's much more...uh...well look at him! Trust me he's as big as he looks. Don't worry about competition from other snakes. There will be plenty for all of you. I'm hardly enough for one of you. Plus he got three varieties of birthday cakes to himself today. Come on. You'd be doing yourself a favor eating him. Think of the sugar in him!"

Snake, "I'm on a diet."

Harry, "Dang it!"

All there was left to do was wait for the zookeepers to get them.