Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache
(Or Philosopher's Stomach Ache if you go with the British Version)
Chapter 3
What if Hagrid skipped the Letters?
And What Quirrell and Voldemort got to Gringotts a Little bit sooner?
By
Jason Richard
Harry Potter, only eleven years old, sat at a window in the living room feeling depressed. He'd be starting school soon, and he just knew that his rotten Aunt and Uncle Dursley who hated him for no reason would send him to a terrible school while his rotten cousin Dudley got to go to a great one. He looked over at his extended family as they sat around and felt even more depressed. Harry just knew he was destined to be miserable. After all, what were the chances someone would come along and let him go to the most awesome school in the world?
At that moment a giant man with shaggy hair burst through the front door and said something that absolutely made Harry's day.
Hagrid, "Hey Harry, do you want to go to a school for wizards?"
Harry, "YES!"
As he got up the Dursleys, absolutely flummoxed at the sight of a giant man bursting through the door, stood up and started fuming.
"Now see here," said Vernon. "I won't have him going to that...that...!"
"That school of freaks!" shrieked Petunia.
Hagrid didn't like her tone.
"You know where he's taking me?" asked Harry.
"Of course!" said Petunia. "And we forbid you to go! Don't you find this man's sudden appearance even a little suspicious?"
"Well Aunt Petunia," said Harry. "If you didn't want me to go with with a complete stranger who shows up out of nowhere to take me to a school no one's ever heard of, you really should have been nicer to me."
Petunia and Vernon looked like they were going to have a fit each.
"And what are you supposed to be anyway?" asked Dudley to Hagrid.
"Keeper at the grounds at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry," said Hagrid proudly.
Dudley sniggered and said, "Hogwarts? That's a stupid name for a school."
"NEVER INSULT HOGWARTS!" shouted Hagrid, pointing an umbrella at Dudley which somehow turned the fat boy into a pig.
"Oops," said Hagrid. "Only meant to give him a pig tail."
Meanwhile both Vernon and Petunia started screaming hysterically. Vernon scooped up the now piggy Dudley and the three of them fled the scene. As they ran from the house the neighbors gave them funny looks as they screamed while carrying a pig. No one had the courage to ask why they were doing this.
Once the Dursleys were out of sight a moment of silence followed.
Harry, "So, Wizard school now?"
Hagrid, "Right this way Mr. Potter!"
…
"So my parents didn't die in a car crash," said Harry. "They were killed by a madman called Voldemort who was killed when he tried to kill me?"
"No," said Hagrid as they walked down the street. "Wizard that strong? He's still out there, biding his time, too weak to carry on. Could come back any day and restart his massacre of innocent people. Why I dare say he'd probably march right back up to you to finish what he started when he killed your parents and off you while you slept in the most horrible…"
He saw Harry's terror.
"I mean yes, he's dead," said Hagrid quickly. "Dead as...well...your parents!"
Awkward silence.
Hagrid, "I'm going to stop talking now."
"Bit late for that," said Harry.
Fortunately, after a trip through the leaky cauldron, Harry got to see Diagon alley. It was filled with all sorts of magic stuff, like broomsticks to fly on, posters and pictures that moved, people appearing out of thin air, and other things.
Their first stop was Gringotts bank, so Harry could get money to buy school books. Apart from the mean looking goblins running it and the intimidating caves that stored the vaults Gringotts was cool. He got to ride the mine carts and get gold from a vault belonging to his late parent.
In fact he stared at the mountains of gold from his parents' vault for a long time.
"I'm rich," he said to himself as if in a trance. "I'm rich. I'm rich."
And then Harry started drooling, "I'm rich. I'm rich."
"Okay time to go," said Hagrid, grabbing the neck of Harry's shirt and dragging him away as Harry continued to drool.
Harry, "I'm rich. I'm rich. I'm rich."
They also went to a vault filled with a single item wrapped up in a cloth. Hagrid took that item and left. Moments later a future in a cloak and turban snuck in and was about to use a powerful magical key to open the vault, but it was already open.
Quirrel, a rather frightened looking man, grew nervous.
"Master it's not here," said Quirrell.
"Patience," said a voice under his turban. "Patience my servant. You did get the job as the defense against the dark arts teacher, yes?"
"Yes of course," said Quirrell.
"Then it will be in our grasp soon!" said the voice. "Soon, I shall be restored to my former powers, no longer a shade who must share a body with someone else. Soon I will gain a body of my own so that I may rule wizardkind as is my right. Soon I, Lord Voldemort, shall possess the philosophers stone, and be the most powerful wizard of all time yet again!"
Quirrell said, "Don't you mean the sorcerer's stone?"
The silence was terrifying. Even more terrifying was the spirit of Lord Voldemort saying, "What?"
Quirrell, realizing he'd goofed up somehow, said nervously, "Well, my lord, I could have sworn it was called the Sorcerers…"
"Are you correcting your Dark Lord?" asked Voldemort?
"No no," stuttered Quirrell, "But wasn't Nicholas Flamel a sorcerer?"
"He was a philosopher too!" shouted Voldemort angrily. "Don't correct me again!"
Quirrel, "Sorry sir! So very sorry! Won't happen again!"
Voldemort, "Glad to hear it. No, we don't want to get caught here, so let's go."
After a moment of silence, Quirrell said, "My lord?"
Voldemort, "What?"
Quirrell, "What's a Philosopher?"
Voldemort, "WILL YOU GET MOVING ALREADY!?"
Voldemort had never seen a wizard run as fast as Quirrell did that day.
…
Hagrid and Harry were just stepping out of Gringotts as Harry was thinking of all the cool stuff he was going to buy with his mountains of gold. Neither he nor Hagrid noticed Quirrell behind them. Voldemort was still hidden as a spirit beneath Quirrell's turban and spoke directly into Quirrell's mind so the boy and the half giant wouldn't hear him.
Easy Quirrell. Thought Voldemort. Neither of them senses my presence. We're perfectly safe.
Hagrid, meanwhile, was grateful that they had gotten the philosopher's stone as smoothly as they did. Hagrid shuddered to think what would have happened if evil forces got their hands on it. He patted his pocket to make certain it was still there.
It was gone. Before he could panic, however...
"Hey Hagrid," said Quirrell behind him, holding up a red stone. "This suspiciously magical looking red stone dropped right out of your pocket. Here you go."
Voldemort thought, Red stone? NO! DON'T GIVE IT BACK! GRAB IT AND RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN!
Quirrel froze. He had already given the stone back, and now a very relieved Hagrid was walking away, this time putting the stone in a pocket that didn't have holes in it. Meanwhile, Voldemort was still screaming in Quirrell's mind.
"DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GRAB IT AND RUN! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! GRAB IT!
After a moment Voldemort realized that it was too late, and hiding under Quirrell's turban he seethed with rage.
"Quirrell," said Voldemort.
"Yes Master?" asked Quirrell nervously.
"When we get back to our hiding place, we're going to have to summon your punishment." said Voldemort.
Quirrell, "But master, surely you don't mean…"
"Yes," said Voldemort. "Tonight, you will suffer the wrath of...them."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Quirrell. "NOT THE PIRANHA PUPPIES!"
Awkward pause.
"The what?" asked a very confused Voldemort.
"The…" Quirrell stammered. "The piranha puppies. Isn't that what you were…"
"What the heck is a piranha puppy?" demanded Voldemort.
"It's...it's a puppy with piranha teeth…"
Second Awkward Pause.
"Can…" Voldemort stuttered. "Can we just leave now? I have absolutely no idea what to think of that."
Quirrell, "Okay."