Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 5

What if Dumbledore called the Hogwarts Houses by what they actually were?

By

Jason Richard

Not long after Harry was dropped off at King's Cross station with a ticket to platform 9 ¾'s. He didn't know what that meant, but fortunately a nice lady with several children, all with flaming red hair, helped him pass the magical barrier to get to the Hogwarts express, and soon Harry was aboard. Not long after this, the nice lady's son asked if he could join him in that compartment.

"Ron Weasley," said Ron, putting his trunk up and putting his pet rat on the seat next to him.

"Harry Potter," said Harry as they shook hands. Immediately Ron's eyes went wide,

"I'm in the same compartment as Harry Potter?" said Ron. "Wow. I mean...that…did you really survive against you know who?"

"So I'm told," said Harry. "I was only a baby so I don't remember it. It does explain the lightning bolt scar on my head. My Aunt and Uncle said I got it from the car crash that killed my parents."

Ron looked confused, "A car crash? You're Aunt and Uncle expected you to believe that?"

'I suppose," said Harry.

"So according to your Aunt and Uncle, a baby survived a car crash that killed two grown adults? That's mental!"

"Yes," said Harry dryly. "Because the idea that a baby survived a psychotic killer with magical powers that killed two adults makes much more sense."

Ron, "Exactly!"

Just outside their compartment a bushy haired girl named Hermione poked her head in and said, "Actually, in the magical world it is more likely. I've just been reading my school books and learned about three instances where…"

"Reading school books when you don't have to?" said Ron,"Harry, is this what Muggles call a nerd? I've only heard of them from myths and legends my dad told me."

Hermione, with much indignation, said, "You know, if you're going to try and insult someone, you could at least try to be clever about it. Myths and legends indeed!"

As Hermione stormed off Ron was left wondering what just happened.

"No, really," said Ron. "I've only ever heard of nerds in myths and legends."

Harry, "Strange thing is I believe you."

…

So they took the train to Hogwarts, took boats across the lake, and made it into the castle. They were soon brought to the great hall for the start of term feast, but before everyone got to eat they had to have the sorting ceremony.

"This hat," said Headmaster Dumbledore, "Will sort you into your school house. While here your house will be like your family, sharing in both your triumphs and your failures. The houses are, as follows…"

Now Dumbledore had a habit of, unlike the previous headmasters, describing the houses as most people knew them to be, rather than what the founders of that school intended. Most students were not happy about this.

"First," said Dumbledore. "There is Gryffindor, the house of reckless showoffs."

Angry Gryffindor's, "Bravery!"

Dumbledore, "Second, Ravenclaw, the house of pompous smartypants."

Angry Ravenclaw's, "Intelligence!"

Dumbledore, "Third, Hufflepuff, the house of nobody cares."

Angry Hufflepuffs saying different things all at once, "Loyalty! Hard Work! Perseverance! Awkward Charm! Wait...what are we again?"

Dumbledore, "Finally, we have the Slytherins. The house of pure evil jerks."

And the Slytherins grinned.

Harry really didn't like the way they were grinning. Once Ron told him that there wasn't a witch or wizard that went bad that wasn't in Slytherin, he realized he really didn't want to go there.

"And now for the sorting," said Dumbledore. "Come up here and this inanimate object will decide your lot in life for all eternity."

Several children got called up to get sorted into each of the houses, having the sorting hat call out their house as it was placed on each of their heads, but Harry didn't pay much attention. The only three he noticed, besides his own, were Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley. Draco got sent to Slytherin before the sorting hat even touched his blonde hair.

Then there was Hermione. The sorting hat touched her head and almost put her into a house as quickly.

"Let's see," said the sorting hat atop her head. "Very smart, well read, and a thirst to learn, well there's a Ravenclaw if I ever…"

"Actually," said Hermione. "I was thinking I could go to Gryffindor."

"Oh?" said the hat, intrigued. "A bit of a daring side eh? Why makes you want to join them?"

"Well," said Hermione. "They are the house of bravery, yes?"

"Yes," said the sorting had hesitantly, wondering where she was going with this.

"Well," she continued. "Given that their trait is bravery, I figure they must have the most comprehensive tests at the end of term. Tests so intellectually grueling it takes a lot of bravery to pass them."

It took a moment for the sorting hat to understand what she was saying.

"That's...that's not what they mean by bravery," said the hat. "They mean feats of daring, life threatening obstacles, reckless showboating, that sort of thing."

"Failing your tests is life threatening!" said Hermione. "If I don't get good grades, I can't get into wizard college. That would be a horrible life!"

"The wizarding world doesn't have colleges," said the hat.

A pause, and then, "W...what? They...they don't? But...but I'm going to school to learn...if there's no colleges in the wizarding world I'll...I'll...I'll get less learning that I would have in Muggle education! What have I done!? What am I doing here! I need to get out! HELP! HELP!"

"WAIT! WAIT!" said the sorting hat as it sat upon the panicked girl. "I didn't mean it! Of course, you need bravery to pass Gryffindor tests! Their...uh...college level! Yes! Only the best and the bravest can take college level wizarding classes! Why you're so intelligent a high school level education! Telling you there was no college level was a test and you passed!"

Hermione, "R...Really?"

"Yes," said the hat.

"Oh good," said Hermione, relieved. "That's good."

So the sorting had called out Gryffindor, and as the hat waited for the next student it sighed and said, "Good lord that was exhausting. Alright, bring up the next brat...I mean student!"

Next up was Harry Potter himself, who sat under the sorting hat with one thought under his mind.

I want to be in Gryffindor and not Slytherin.

"Oh?" said the hat. "And why's that? Because you'd prefer bravery for bravery's sake and not the self-serving ambition that the Slytherins are known for?"

"No," said Harry, shaking his head. "Slytherin's are the house of pure evil and the Gryffindor table is the farthest from them."

The sorting hat was about to argue, but thought better of it and said, "Okay."

Harry breathed a sigh of relief as his house was announced and the joined the table. The last person to get sorted, that Harry noticed anyway, was his new friend from the train, Ronald Weasley.

"Just get it over with," said Ron. "I'm a Hufflepuff, aren't I? I'm not brave like a Gryffindor, I'm not smart like a Ravenclaw, and I'm not a git like a Slytherin. Hufflepuff is the only house that fits that description. I know every one of my older brothers was a Gryffindor, but I don't measure up to them. Fred and George are always telling me I could never be Gryffindor, and once I'm not they'll never cease to remind me."

The sorting hat actually felt sorry for him, but before he could answer, Ron kept talking.

"But you know what?" said Ron, a sense of defiance filling him. "I don't care if Fred and George will give me a hard time. Every time they tell me that I'm not good enough for their house I'll just say their house isn't good enough for me! I won't be the butt of their jokes any longer! I'll walk into my house with my head held high and not care what they think!"

The sorting hat was moved, incredibly moved, and he said, "Wow. Well said. Such bravery against peer pressure. And you know what? Someone brave enough to stand up to a Gryffindor is worthy of Gryffindor!"

Ron turned pale and said, "What? No...no I don't want to go to Gryffindor. Do you know what they do there? Most houses study magical creatures like werewolves. Gryffindors lock you in a room with one and say good luck! And have you heard of the initiation? Gryffindor boys take any new recruits, dig a hole, throw you in, throw in a bunch of spiders, and tell you good night! They even use a shovel so they won't get caught by detection magic! They're that serious about it!"

"I'm sure you can handle it," said the hat. "GRYFFINDOR!"

A now white as a sheet Ronald Weasley approached his house table with much dread. As he got closer he realized it was worse than he thought. His own brothers, the twins Fred and George, were brandishing a large shovel and a glass bottle filled with spiders.

And Ron whimpered. As Ron walked to his table he said, "At least I won't be alone."

Then another Gryffindor at the table said, "Uh...that's not an official Gryffindor initiation. I've only ever seen Weasley brothers do that to the newest Weasley arrival."

Ron, horrified, asked, "So...not every Gryffindor will be thrown into a pit of spiders?"

"Nope, just you."

Ron whimpered even more, which Fred and George, naturally, found hilarious.

####

Grammarly Fail, "Alright bring up the next boat, I mean student!"