Hi everyone! I know many of you were hoping that this is a new chapter, but unfortunately, that will have to take some time. I wanted to share something pretty personal with you all and I feel that I don't share a lot of my personal life online for good reason, but I needed to get this off my chest.

I got accepted into nursing school! It is a great, competitive program from a community college with high pass rates and a great deal of respect from hospitals. I start first thing on Tuesday and I cannot wait. I have a great group of friends with me and I already have so much support from my best friends from high school. In two years after crying and dying through studying, I'm gonna be an RN. However, not everything is as sunny as I'd like it to be. I also applied for another stellar nursing program that would grant me an MSN; for I want to be an NP one day. That school has interviewed me recently and they're unbelievably kind and will let me know soon if I'm accepted or not.

My family is pretty gung-ho about me going to this school. And why not? I would be getting a master's out the gate in three years opposed to being an RN in two and working while going back to school for another 2 years or so. However, I will get a metric fuckton of debt and no choice in selecting which hospital to rotate at. In the other school I'm in, I don't get a master's, but I don't mind at all giving more time and working my way up to that process. I have more options and can choose my clinical site. Also, I will barely be spending as much as the other school. I would essentially be debt free because I can pay for my schooling without pulling loans.

Maybe I'm crazy for not going with the opportunity. I sure look crazy to my family, except a few who understand what I'm going through and support me. But I realize today that I am losing support for my choices and it feels like I'd be choosing a more expensive route to make my life easier because my family would be proud of me for doing that. Their daughter/sister got into a prestigious program and got a master's. I even had one person who vehemently supported me going to the cheaper school completely about face and tell me that I should be going for that shiny, expensive degree because it's what I want in the end. Yet I'm the one who will deal with the debt. I'm the one who's stuck with my decision. Me. Not my family. Not my friends. Not my imaginary children I don't have. Me.

"The debt will pay itself off once you become an NP!" Bitch, are you paying for it? Who's gonna be paying for it in the end? Fucking me.

"I want you to go to that school!" And what you want will make me happy?

"You don't understand yet, you're young." I understand perfectly. I can't make you understand because you don't listen. Or maybe you are listening, but you're too stubborn and don't want to hear it.

"Once you start working as a nurse, you'll forget school and never go back to finish. And you probably can't handle working and school at the same time." Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I'm only writing this because I wanted to just type it and be done. I've made my decision and everyone will be mad at me, but my decision affects my life. And that's what I want you guys to take from this.

Chasing dreams made by other people for you don't feel like your dreams. You can be inspired, you can feel motivated, but you weave the dreams and bring them to reality. I had been happy applying to the expensive school, but it soon felt like I was doing it for someone else, not me. I respect that school immensely, but am I happier getting in for myself or for my parents? The more you try to please someone else, the less you make yourself happy. That person's happiness could and should be important to you, because you love them and they love you, but what's to say that they won't be happy with what you end up doing? You just do things your own way, yet you could still end up with a similar result or an even better one. I want to make my family happy, but I want to make me happy first and foremost because I'm the one who sleeps with myself at night and will live with my decisions.

I'm Asian. Vietnamese. I have been raised with the idea that family matters first and making the family happy and proud should be foremost in your mind. But it's given me anxiety. I think about consequences as to how my family will react, not from what it does to me. It's a collective way of thinking and it's not always healthy. I worry so much about disappointing my family that I could disappoint myself in the end, but it's okay because my family is happy. But I can't do it anymore. I want to think about me.

When you all think about your future one day, maybe you'll think about what I'm saying. Maybe you have already. Your future is yours and you should have the control to bend it the way you want to. Sometimes it doesn't always play out, but it's okay. Sleep on it because tomorrow is a new day. Do something that makes you not only happy, but proud with little regrets. And sometimes, you'll have your naysayers and people trying to tell you what to do because they think they know what's best for you. Sometimes, they mean well but they're overbearing. Take it with a grain of salt, but you need to be the one who puts everything on the table and sort things out for you. You can handle what you can handle. Don't let someone else tell you what you're capable of. In the end, they are not going to be affected by what you choose. You are. And you're going to be just fine. I know I am. ( ^ , ^ )

Now that you've reached the end of this note, good job! Thank you for taking your time to read it. Take care! I hope to update soon, but nursing school has claimed my soul for now, but I'm always gonna be here lurking.

-winternightlullaby