Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stomach Ache

Chapter 16

What if the trio got a bit more scratched up during the challenges?

By

Jason Richard

Harry, Hermione, and Ron all agreed that Voldemort and his obvious henchman Snape had to be stopped. Dumbledore was conveniently...or inconveniently...away from the school, so it was up to the three of them. They snuck out of the Gryffindor dormitories under Harry's invisibility cloak and made their way to the third-floor corridor.

Inside they found Fluffy the three-headed hypno puppy fast asleep as an enchanted harp played a lullaby. Not wanting to get distracted by the hypnotic cuteness the three snuck to the trapdoor and jumped down, landing in something soft...

That turned out to be black vines that immediately wrapped themselves around the heroes.

"What is this?" asked Harry as the Vines tied him down.

"Devil's snare!" cried Hermione. "It will strangle us to death."

Ron, "What do we do!"

Hermione, "I'll set it on fire! I know the spell!"

Ron and Harry immediately relaxed because clearly, Hermione's studies had prepared her for this. What they didn't realize was that relaxing was the way to get past this particular trap as this brand of devil's snare released those who didn't move. Harry and Ron immediately dropped through the devil's snare to a spot underneath. Hermione, however, thought they had been swallowed by the plant.

"Harry!" she cried. "Ron! Don't worry, I'll save you!"

And fire flared up in the plant. Harry and Ron shouted for her to stop, but it was too late. She finally fell through the plant, smoking, landing next to the others. She got up, dusted herself off, and looked up, immediately becoming confused.

"But…" she stammered. "You two are alright. What happened? I thought…" she then noticed Harry and Ron looking at her very uncomfortably. "What's wrong?"

Ron, "Um...Hermione, I don't know how to tell you those, but that fire burned something very specific...some might say embarrassingly specific."

Hermione, "Well my clothes are fine," she said as she looked herself over and reached around. "I don't feel anything. What could…"

And then she touched the top of her head. Her hair was gone. Almost all of her hair was completely gone.

…

All throughout the castle, everyone woke up to a high pitched scream, including Draco Malfoy in the Slytherin dormitories.

Draco, "Huh. I should be annoyed that I've been woken up, but for some reason that scream makes me feel really happy. Weird."

…

Hermione was silent as they walked through the area beneath the trapdoor, for obvious reasons, and eventually, the trio came to the next obstacle guarding the sorcerer's stone. This room was filled with keys, each flying in the air on bug wings. There was also a broom in the middle of the room.

"Well I guess the one with the broken wing is the one I'm after," said Harry, pointing at the one that flew wonkily. "Seems a little convenient."

"You got this," said Ron. "I mean it's not like you'll go bald from flying keys."

Hermione scowled and said, "Bring that up again and your hair will never grow back from what I do to it."

Ron backed up and said, "Sorry."

Harry then took a deep breath and jumped on the broom, flying up to get the key. All of a sudden the other keys attacked. Turns out they didn't just have wings like insects. They had stingers too.

Harry, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Five minutes later they were through the door and Harry's face was swollen from stingers.

Harry, "I think I'd have preferred getting my hair burnt off."

Hermione, "Yeah I can't say I blame you. I suppose I should point out that given our luck Ron is probably next for some sort of pain."

And Ron whimpered.

…

Malfoy lay back in his bed with a big grin on his face and said, "I feel really good right now."

Crab and Goyle in their respective beds, "Why?"

Malfoy, "I don't know, but I feel really good right now."

…

Harry, Ron, and Hermione came upon a room filled with a giant chessboard and massive chess piece statues. Clearly, the intention was for them to play their way past the room.

"Greetings," said the King of those pieces. "None may pass unless they defeat me in a game of chess. Be warned, I have been enchanted with the skill to defeat anyone, and have anonymously challenged men like Emanuel Lasker, Jose Casablanca, and even Garry Kasparov!"

Harry, "We don't know who those are."

White King statue, "Neither did the author of this fan parody until he googled them. Now get into the squares with missing chess pieces so I can have you captured and smashed by my pieces!"

Harry, "Actually, I don't think we need to bother. The pieces can't move and we can just go around them where there's no chess board. Look, the back door's even open."

Ron, "Oh but I'm good at chess! This was going to be the part where I, the kid with low self-esteem, prove his worth!"

Hermione, "It would also be the seen as the challenge that was kind of imaginative but also made the least sense. I mean it's kind of like your security being chutes and ladders. What's the point?"

Ron, "Aw."

As the kids walked around the chessboard the White King said, "Hey! Hey, you get back here! You fight me properly! Hey!"

As they went to the next room, finding a troll unconscious from something. As they walked Ron was disappointed he didn't get to contribute. Hermione felt really sorry for him.

Hermione, "Don't be sad Ron, at least you didn't get stung or have your hair burnt off like Harry and Me."

That did make Ron feel better...for three seconds, for after that the troll suddenly jerked in his sleep and whacked Ron in the face.

As they moved into the next room Ron, now with two rather ugly black eyes, glared at Hermione with said black eyes. She tried to say something but Ron said, "Not a word." and she kept her words to herself.

…

Draco, naturally, felt even better as he lay in his bed, and still, couldn't determine why. That didn't stop him from expressing it though.

Draco, "Oh what a beautiful Moooorning! O what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaaay! I've got a beautiful feeeeeeeling! Everything's going my waaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

All other Slytherin's in their dormitories, "IT'S NOT MORNING! IT'S NIGHT! SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!"

Draco, "Sheesh, what a bunch of party poopers."

…

The last challenge was a room filled with fire and several potions. The right potion would allow them to walk through the fire, while the wrong potion would poison them. There was a riddle that had to be solved in order to find the right one, and Hermione solved it pretty fast but found the idea of a riddle for security to be pretty silly.

As they walked to the final chamber, she commented on exactly that.

"I know I burnt my hair off, Harry got stung a thousand times, and Ron has two black eyes," said Hermione. "But these security spells seem easier than I thought they would be. I mean one was a board game and the other a riddle. If I didn't know any better I'd say these challenges were designed specifically with eleven-year-olds in mind."

Suddenly spotlights shone on them, and upon a stage, Professor Flitwick appeared.

Flitwick, "Welcome to the Hogwarts first year funhouse!"

Hermione, "THESE CHALLENGES WERE LITERALLY DESIGNED WITH ELEVEN-YEAR-OLDS IN MIND!?"

Harry, "Isn't this the third-floor corridor protecting the Sorcerer's stone?"

Flitwick, "Oh goodness me of course not! These kinds of challenges aren't suitable for protecting something so valuable! If this was all we could do we'd have left the silly thing at Gringotts!"

Harry, "But...but I'm pretty sure I saw a sign that said third-floor corridor. If that's the case, where's the sign that says Hogwarts first year fun House?"

…

At the start of the Year:

Peeves the Poltergeist, a rampant trickster of a ghost, switched the signs between the third-floor corridor and the Hogwarts First Year Fun House.

Peeves, "Ha Ha! This is my best prank yet!"

...

Present Day:

Ron, "So what is the third-floor corridor protected by? A hypno puppy?"

Flitwick, "Why use a three-headed dog when you can use a three-headed dragon?"

All three children looked at each other in confusion.

Hermione, "Devil's snare?"

Flitwick, "Sure, but naturally enchanted against its obvious weakness...fire. We actually enchanted to it be weak against something unrelated to plants, but only Dumbledore knows that weakness."

Harry, "Flying keys?"

Flitwick, "We wouldn't keep a key to a security door in the same room as that door. Dumbledore has the key on his person, and if you pick the lock or something you're attacked by magic wasps."

Ron, "Statues you have to beat at chess?"

Flitwick, "Statues that crush you regardless unless you know the password. Seriously, a muggle computer could get pass a chess challenge. That would just be embarrassing. And to answer further questions we have an intelligent troll guarding it, and a fire spell that can only be bypassed by a potion carried by...you guessed it...Dumbledore. Seriously, what do you take us for? By the way, what happened to you three anyway? You all look terrible."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione glared at him angrily.

As the three left the funhouse, disappointed that they'd gone the wrong way, Ron had a thought.

Ron, "I hope a bunch of other first years didn't wander into the third-floor corridor, lured by a sign that said 'funhouse.'"

…

At the end of the year, when the mistake was discovered:

Severus Snape and Hagrid stood outside a room, looking at the sign that said Hogwarts first year funhouse, and the three-headed dragon that guarded the first room.

Snape, "Hagrid, be honest, exactly how many unsuspecting first years has this thing probably eaten?"

Hagrid looked like he really didn't want to answer that, and hesitantly said, "Um...none?"