Jenny was quiet as Jerry drove Squad 51 to the hospital to pick up Randy. She couldn't face him and instead stared out the window. Occasionally, he'd steal a glance at her. It had been a ten minute drive, with only five minutes left before they would arrive at Rampart General Hospital. The need to talk to her was great but he also knew he couldn't do it with Randy in the vehicle, so he pulled it over.
"Sorry my partner was a dick." She shrugged, not knowing quite what to say. She was meeting several dicks in the department, she realized. For just a brief moment, she thought how could partners call each other names like that. Sure her dad had called Johnny nuts and crazy at times, but usually it was at a well deserved time. Then again, this was a well deserved time.
He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Do you know why we didn't spend time on her?"
Without making eye contact, she whispered, "Because she was dead."
For a brief second, he contemplated what to say, thinking just maybe it was too much. He sighed in defeat, he was going to provide her with the ugly reason. The job was far from glamorous and it was important for her to understand this. "It was the brain matter that got us. A person doesn't survive that. But there were two others that could survive and it looked like they will."
The tears were stinging at her eyes as her eyes attempted to blink them away. She didn't want to risk a shaky, weak voice. She only nodded. She tried to reason with herself several times during the drive using that same statement. As Jerry was about to start the engine, Jenny took a deep breath as she tried to steady her voice. "How do you deal with it? How do you get used to it?"
He couldn't help but to chuckle. The question flooded his consciousness many times as a rookie and still made the occasional appearance, even ten years into the job. "A wise man once told me you never get used to it. If you do, it's time to get out." He took a moment, trying to figure out the best way to approach the next necessary conversation while her gaze returned to the window. "Some guys push it out of their mind and don't deal with. Others talk to each other. Captain's good about talking to us after a bad one. Some drink. I don't advise you to start having a drinking problem though."
He paused, debating on starting a new conversation, "I have a feeling being called incompetent, was the least of what you've been dealing with in the department."
She head whipped around with a look of surprise, confusion, and distrust. Did someone tell him about the harassment? What did he know? Was it him who was responsible for the pictures in the locker? He let out a hearty laugh? "I started in the department just about ten years ago. I was greeted with nigger scratched into my car." That's when she really took noticed of the man. All she had seen at the fire station were six men who never had to deal with harassment. But now she took notice of the African-American who joined less than fifteen years after segregation was outlawed. She thought about the heritage of those on just Johnny's shift, there was a Mexican, an Irishman, an Englishman, and African-American and all were under a person who was part Native American. And now they added a woman, granted it was just a temporary shadowing day for her.
"How'd you deal with it?" she questioned, as she finally made eye contact. Her voice was barely audible.
"I got into a fist fight. But I don't suggest you doing that. I see a little fight in you, but I don't think you could win in a fist fight against him," he chuckled. She gave a quick snort and an eye roll. "Plus, all that got me was a write up and a lecture. After that, I busted my ass, but asked for help when I needed it. I also knew when to apologize when I made mistakes," he hinted. "And don't pay any attention to the dicks. That's the biggest rule. I think you have the potential to be a good paramedic, but the only thought that matters is whether you think you're capable of being a good paramedic."
A few months ago, she knew the answer. It would have been a definite 'yes'. But today she let her emotions get the best of her. She couldn't let it happen again.
The ride back to the firehouse was wrought in silent tension once Randy got in the vehicle. As soon as the trio returned back to station, Jennifer was called into the the Captain's office. As should stood in front of Johnny, she started to pick at her cuticles. Her nerves were eating at her. Her stance at attention, was slightly slumped over as she waited for a berating, a much deserved berating. It never came.
"I wanted to check in on you and see how you're handling your first DOA." Johnny leaned back in his chair, trying to give a relaxed air.
Her posture solidified as she finally made eye contact. She should have known better that Johnny wasn't a yeller. "I'm okay. Really I'm fine," she stated, not only trying to convince the Captain, but also herself.
"Have you given it any more thought about the complaint?" He leaned in and rolled his chair closer to his desk.
"Not gonna happen," she scoffed. "Is that all, Cap?"
"That's all," he said in defeat. "Just remember, if you need to talk, I'm here and it's okay."