Harry Potter and the Poodle of Magic Alcatraz

Chapter 1

What if Fudge's attempts to protect Harry went too far?

By

Jason Richard

Harry woke up with a start.

"What?" Asked Harry. "Where am I? What's going on?"

Then he remembered getting petrified because Draco Malfoy led the basilisk to the great hall.

Harry: "I'll kill Draco!"

"That's nice," said Vernon Dursley. "Now off to school with you."

It was then that Harry realized where he was. He was standing at the front door of the Dursley house on Privet drive, and his luggage sat next to him as the three Dursley's stared at him like a stain on the floor that wouldn't go away.

"What happened?" said Harry. "How did you unpetrify me?"

"That school of yours sent some sort of potion that we poured over you," said Petunia. "And now it's time to go to school."

"So," said Harry. "I slept through my summer staying with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin?"

Dudley: "Pretty much."

After an awkward pause, Harry asked, "Did I miss anything?"

Vernon: "You missed Aunt Marge visiting."

Harry: "FANTASTIC!"

…

Cornelius Fudge sat in his office writing a letter that would go out to all of the Ministry.

Dear Aurors,

As you well know, the notorious killer Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban prison. Harry Potter is assumed to be his target, so he is to be brought to safety as soon as possible and put under ministry protection. However, we do not wish to alarm a student who is returning to school either. Therefore you are instructed to instill in Harry the absolute necessity of keeping safe from danger while telling him that there is no danger whatsoever that he needs to keep safe from. I'm sure this will not be any problem and won't confuse young Harry at all.

Sincerely,

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic.

…

As Harry walked down the street he saw a small black dog in the bushes. It looked a bit ragged but didn't look dangerous. Harry approached, but then out of nowhere...

"Harry Potter," said a wizard in a large cloak.

Harry: "Gah! Where did you come from?"

"I'm from the ministry of magic," said the wizard. "I'm here to take you someplace safe."

"Someplace safe?" said Harry. "Is there something dangerous out there right now?"

Wizard: "Not at all."

That answer took Harry off guard.

Harry: "Ooookaaay...So we're going to The Leaky Cauldron?"

"Of course," said the Auror. "Where you will be put under twenty-four-hour surveillance with one hundred of the most skilled wizards in the ministry acting as bodyguards."

Silence.

Harry: "And there's nothing out there that I should be afraid of?"

Auror: "Nothing whatsoever."

Harry: "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Say is that a dragon over there?"

Auror: "What?! Where?! I'll protect you!"

The Auror looked over but didn't see anything. Confused he turned back to Harry, only to find Harry was getting onto a blue, triple-decker bus that was speeding off into the distance.

"Huh," said the Auror. "I wonder if I could have handled that better?"

…

The triple-decker bus that Harry got on had three things that stuck out to him. One, it was called the night bus even though it wasn't driving at night. Two, it went fast, really...ridiculously fast...so fast that if it didn't have an invisibility charm it would have gotten pulled over. And three...the speed was making him sicker by the minute.

Finally, the bus came to a stop right outside the Leaky Cauldron. Passengers stepped off the bus, moaning with nausea. A couple of people even went to garbage cans to throw up. Stan Shunpike, the night bus's conductor, stood at the bus doorway and shook his head.

"Why does everyone do that when they get off the bus? Mental."

Harry, just barely managing to keep his own lunch down, he looked up at the Leaky Cauldron...and saw an army of what must have been a hundred Aurors surrounding it...all wearing black suits and sunglasses.

"It's okay," said the head Auror. "There is absolutely nothing dangerous going on whatsoever."

Harry, in his most deadpan voice, said, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaay."