Harry Potter and the Goblin of Fire Ants

Chapter One

What if the Muggle Caretaker took a Different Approach to Dealing with Intruders?

By

Jason Richard

The Riddle house stood empty, as it had for years. The old caretaker of the grounds had watched over it since the death of the Riddle family, though it was a thankless job. He'd gotten blamed for the murders by a lot of people, though no evidence condemned him. Even he had to admit the strangeness of it all. The father, mother, and their son had collapsed dead during an evening meal. No sign of a struggle, no injuries, no sickness, nothing to tell what it was that had killed them that night. Not even poison in the bloodstream. It was so frustrating getting blamed for a murder that he couldn't even explain.

Of course, he hadn't helped his own case by laughing at the sight of them dead, but in his defense all three of them had landed face-first into their soup bowls. How was he not supposed to laugh?

Still, he did what he always did, make his dinner while keeping an eye on the riddle house from his caretaker house on the edge of the grounds. Occasionally he'd catch kids playing around in there, telling each other ghost stories about the dead Riddles. On this night he just so happened to spot a light on in the house and figured that this was what was going on right now.

Well, thought the Caretaker, they want ghosts? I'll give those kids ghosts. And he chuckled gleefully.

…

The people inside the house were not kids, sadly, they were the most dangerous wizard who ever lived and the most cowardly wizard who ever lived.

"Pettigrew," said Voldemort testily as he sat on the couch. "You can stop hiding in the closet now."

"But master," said Pettigrew. "You're so scary."

"Pettigrew," said Voldemort. "You made this body for me. Surely you knew how I'd look."

Pettigrew, "I did."

Voldemort, "Then if you're so afraid of it, then why did you suggest it?"

Pettigrew, "I was more afraid of what you if I didn't help you."

"Good minion," said Voldemort. "Now get out here before I call you a bad minion."

Pettigrew whimpered as he stepped out to face the…partially resurrected Voldemort. The dark lord, sitting in a cushioned chair in the lounge of the Riddle house, now had a body like a shriveled dwarf, with tiny limbs and veins popping through his body. The little man had his wand next to him as well.

Pettigrew whimpered.

"Are we alright?" asked Voldemort.

Pettigrew nodded as he whimpered.

"Good," said Voldemort. "Now."

BANG!

Petigrew: "AAAAAAAAH!"

He jumped behind a chair.

Voldemort: "Pettigrew…"

Pettigrew: "Don't hurt me master!

Voldemort: "Pettigrew…"

Pettigrew: "Whatever I did I'm sorry!"

Voldemort: "PETTIGREW LOOK AT ME!"

Pettigrew looked over at his master, who had taken his wand out and pointed it at the wall. Pettigrew looked over to where his master's spell had made the wall translucent, revealing what was on the other side.

It was the muggle caretaker, banging a rake against the wall.

Caretaker: "Yeah, the Riddle house is haunted." Bang! "The ghosts are coming for you!" Bang. "OOOOO!"

Pettigrew: "Oh."

Voldemort then pointed his wand at the muggle and shot a spell through the wall, because he can do that now.

The Muggle then flew into the air, screaming as he went, and his screams slowly faded away as he flew off into the distance.

"Where did you send him my lord?" asked Pettigrew.

"Oh, I don't know," said Voldemort. "Somewhere he'll cause someone trouble."

…

A few minutes later, Vernon Dursley was tending the garden out back when he heard an old man screaming. He looked up to see an old man falling from the sky, an old man who landed right there, crushing Vernon's vegetables. Vernon looked up to where the children's bedrooms were in the house.

Vernon: "HARRY POTTER!"

Harry: "What!?"

Vernon: "What did you do?"

Harry: "Nothing!"

Vernon: "Something magic happened! Who else could it be?!"

Harry: "How would I know?!"

Caretaker: "E…excuse me…"

Vernon: "Do you mind?! I'm yelling at my nephew!"

Caretaker: "Ow."

…

"Not the scariest thing I've seen a muggle do," said Pettigrew. "All things considered."

"Says the man who jumped behind a chair," said Voldemort.

Pettigrew: "But I thought that was you."

Voldemort: "Ah…yes. That makes sense. But really, how could a muggle do anything truly frightening?"

"You haven't seen their horror movies," said Pettigrew. "I have. They're sort of like plays that you can watch at home. Those Weasely Twins used to get a hold of the scary ones and dare Ron to watch them, and Ron kept me around when he did."

Pettigrew's face scrunched up.

"I've seen things," said Pettigrew. "Things you wouldn't believe."

Vodlemort: "Oh, come now. How frightening could something made by a Muggle be?'

…

A few minutes later a TV that had previously been played a horror movie flew through the air as far away from the Riddle house as possible.

Voldemort, his wand at the ready as he sat there shaking with a horrified expression on his face, said, "Pettigrew…never show me Muggle things again."

Pettigrew, shaking in the corner, said, "Yes, master."

…

Vernon Dursley finally got the old man a cab back home and went back to his vegetable garden. After a few minutes, he got rid of the vegetables he couldn't' save, put back the ones he could, and stood there admiring his handiwork.

Then a television landed on it.

Vernon: "HARRY POTTER!"

Harry: "I DIDN'T DO IT!"