IN TOO DEEP

CHAPTER 16

ANASTASIA POINT OF VIEW

After a while, Christian manages to stall the boat so that we can eat our lunch. To be honest, after kissing, I'd frankly completely forgotten about our fish and chips.

Even minutes afterward, I still feel light headed and spaced out while he shuts off the engine and does a few other things to The Grace to stall her. I feel like I'm floating on a cloud of happiness, my head foggy. I can't even seem to stop what probably is the most ridiculously huge grin on my face as I watch him, completely in his element with his boat. Maybe the fact that it's my 1st proper real and actual kiss with a man that's doing it?

Either way, I manage to pull off seeming somewhat normal, at least. I manage to carefully step down to grab our individual bags of fish and chip while holding each of our ginger ale bottles tucked beneath my arms as well.

"You ready to eat?" he calls once the engine seems to stop spluttering. Now, we aren't moving as fast as we were before. Now, we're sort of just rocking and floating on the waves and the sea pleasantly.

"Sure," I call back, feeling myself flush uncontrollably as I peer over at him.

I notice his tongue runs over his bottom lip as he stares at me, both arms outstretched, hands waiting to help with carrying our lunch or the bottles. I never realized how good it could be, kissing a man. I'm pretty sure my lips are even still tingly; an aftereffect from his lips.

Christian grabs the bottles of ginger ale out from my arms, then points towards that lone chaise where Kate sat last time when the 3 of us were out on The Grace together. "Want to sit over there?" he asks, raising his voice slightly so I can hear.

"Sure, sounds great."

He lets me lead the way, and I feel him press his hand into my back, helping me along in case I slip and fall over, seeing as the boats sort of unsteady. But fortunately, I manage to get to the chaise without embarrassing myself. I sink down into the side of it, moving over to make room for him as well. Then he sits, and it's obvious the chaise is really only built for 1 person instead of 2. We're sort of squashed together, with our bare arms touching and his leg touching mine. But if anything, I'm happy with a little subtle, innocent touching with him, no matter what it is.

I hand him his packet and we eat in silence for a moment, just looking ahead at the view. It's really pretty at the front of the boat; There's so much deep blue water, so much spectacular landscape. I think I even see a mountain in the distance far, far away.

"The views beautiful," I say, then I bite into one of the chips. The food has gone a bit cold and soggy, but it's still good. I didn't realize how hungry I am, until the 1st mouthful I swallow. I realize I'm famished.

"It is, isn't it?" Christian's bare forearm brushes against mine every time he digs into his chips, his warm skin brushing against mine. It feels good. I like it. "I really don't get the chance to come out here often enough."

I peer over at him while nibbling on the end of another chip. He's staring deeply out into the ocean as he chews, his jaw muscles and tendons twitching. "And why don't you?" I ask curiously.

He meets my gaze as he swallows. "Because of work, mostly. It's hard to find the time."

"Well, it's definitely amazing out here." I really don't know what else to say. I look up at the blue, cloudless sky, at the birds soaring above us. Then when I look Christian's way again, I notice he's popping his fingers into his mouth, sucking off the salt from his chips. Seriously, is there anything the man does that I do not find attractive?

"So your mother takes advantage of you being away on the weekends?" he asks, and my stomach muscles tighten and knot a little. Him seeking answers about my mom, it's unexpected.

"Yeah, pretty much." I shrug it off, grabbing another chip. Talking about my relationship with my mom is hard for me. "It's... complicated. We're just not as close as a mother and daughter probably should be."

"How so?" He gazes at me, his eyes curious, intense. I don't think he's asking to be prying, not really. He's just curious.

"Well, I guess she's always more preoccupied with working and whatever man she's with at the time. But it's always been like that, though, ever since I can remember." I shrug again, checking to see if he's hopefully satisfied with that answer. And he seems to be. He's already getting started into devouring his piece of battered fish; He pulls and shreds it apart with his fingers, then pops small shreds of white fish flesh into his mouth. I should find it disturbing how much I like watching him eat. "I just find her... difficult to be close with. She's hard to talk to sometimes. She just seems too... busy and distracted by her own life, I guess."

He does that thing, popping his finger into his mouth, sucking it clean. It gives me the spine-tingles for some reason, just like his voice, his laugh, his... smile. It makes my stomach feel nice and tender, knowing that his mouth has been on mine, and his tongue even. His tongue was in my mouth, all moist and slippery and comfortingly warm.

I find myself wanting to change subject, to ask him something instead. I almost want to ask him something about his marriage and his ex wife, yet... would he be mad? I know it isn't really my place to ask. "So was she your 1st love?" I ask anyway, after delicately trying to work out the easiest and harmless way to phrase it.

Christian turns his head to look at me, his hair windswept in the breeze. "Who?" he asks, shaking his head a little, his voice barely audible over the light breeze.

Will this upset him? Will this cross a line? "You know, um, your... your ex wife? Kate's mom?"

I realize I've definitely made a mistake when Christian glances away from me, deliberately avoiding my gaze. He keeps his eyes on his fish as he picks it apart again with his fingers.

"It's OK if you don't want to answer," I get out quickly, worried I've ruined everything. "If you feel I'm hitting a nerve, then just tell me, Christian, and I'll drop it. I won't get offended or anything like that."

"I'm not offended," he mutters, eyes still low on the fish he's pulling apart. "But yes," he finally finishes quickly, then he plops a bit of fish into his mouth again, chewing slowly. I notice he still won't meet my eyes as he lifts his chin, gazing out into the sea before us. "Yes, she was my 1st love, Anastasia," he continues after a moment, his voice low, introspective. "My 1st everything, really. We married young. She was really the 1st... girl I was seriously interested in."

Wow.

I stare at the side of his face thoughtfully while starting to get into eating my crumbed fish. Obviously, I have no experience in what he's going through. Of course, I don't. But I guess they had a whole lifetime together, and then, it's sort of been ripped apart brutally all because of her deciding to leave him. It must be hard on anyone to have that happen. I guess it must be something you can't get over too easily.

I think I hear him sigh loudly while finishing up the last of his chips. Then he says eventually, "But then you get older and I suppose... things change. People want different things. Shit happens." He shrugs, then scrunches up his empty packet into a tight ball with both hands. He shoves his empty packet into his trouser pocket, still avoiding me. "Not long until you and Katherine graduate high school?" he then begins in a brighter tone. He's purposefully changing topic. I get the hint.

"I know. It's sort of scary but... exciting as well. Will you be attending the graduation ceremony?"

"Of course, I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Just like when you both graduate college, whenever that will be. I'll be there as well." Finally, he turns to look at me, but there's something there in his grey eyes, something different. It almost feels like he's stuck somewhere else, like he's deep in the past, in some distant memory. Maybe memories of his ex and their marriage? I'm not sure. "She'll be there," he adds, and yep, I realize my suspicions are right. He smiles at me, but it seems forced, not sincere. "Something to look forward to."

Kate's mom will be there as well? His ex? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by that news, because, of course she'd be there. It still surprises me sort of though, the idea of getting the chance to see her, to see what she's like in person because I haven't seen her yet- I've only seen her through Facebook photos and know what she's like through Kate talking about her to me. I wonder if her new partner will be with her too on the day.

Christian stands suddenly, moving away from me to the front of the boat. He kneels down on his knees, bending low, dipping his hand into the sea water. And then, doing something I never thought he'd do, he splashes me!

He actually cups freezing cold sea water into his hand, and splashes it at me. I have to suppress the urge to squeal loudly in shock when water splatters against my bare arms. I can only stare at him, wide-eyed and open-mouthed in shock once I realize what he's done. He stares back at me, eyes glittering with amusement. If this is his way to brighten the mood and to deliberately stop us from talking about something he obviously finds depressing, like his previous marriage, it's working.

"You did not just do that!" I murmur breathlessly, and then I'm greeted by that spine-tingling laugh of his, that spine-tingling smile. "You did not just splash water on me right now!" I'm completely dumb-founded by his antics, unable to believe it.

And then he dares to do it again, but this time, water lands on my face. I block it barely in time nu throwing out my arms and squeezing my eyes shut, my fish and chips now long forgotten and falling off the chaise as I try pathetically to protect myself. A giggle escapes me as I wipe my around cheeks hurriedly.

"Don't you think your too old to be doing something like that to a poor, defenseless girl?" I tease, peeking at him with my eyes through the gap in my arms.

"I may be old on the outside, but on the inside..." He does it again, this time an even larger amount of water trickling over me. I shiver and squeal. The water is freezing! "What's that saying? Old on the outside but... young at heart on the inside? Or something like that?"

Dropping my arms, I get to my knees, sliding towards the front of the boat. I cannot even believe we are doing this, yet it feels so fun, so freeing. When I reach down over the barrier with my arm, dipping my fingers into the water, I glance over at him in playful warning, arching my eyebrows in what I hope is a convincing menacing expression.

For once, Christian, Mr Grey, he looks so carefree, so playful and boyish. He raises his eyebrows back at me, that smile still there on his face, eyes still bright with amusement. It's almost like we're 2 young children, being silly together. It's so nice to see him this way, because I definitely always get the feeling he doesn't let himself be silly all that often.

Definitely young at heart right now...

"Payback time, Mr Grey," I mutter beneath my breath, then without warning, I scoop up some water, chucking it back at him.

He doesn't bother covering his face like I did when the sea water hits him. No, he just kneels there and freely takes it, but he clenches his eyes closed tight so water doesn't get into his eyes, that smile still there. Droplets of water fall around his shirt, drenching around his shoulders and the sleeves. Another giggle tears from my mouth as he reopens his eyes, meeting my gaze again.

Before he can even get the idea to retaliate it, I quickly do it again, before he can, flicking water at him. An idea comes to me as I stand, laughing at how wet he is, how his hair is practically dripping now with sea water.

It's a nice day, the suns out and it's not too windy. Just because we didn't bring any spare clothes, who says we can't swim? Besides, I decide I want to take advantage of this, of the fact that we're alone, just me and him.

"What are the chances of us catching hypothermia on a day like today?" I ask him while kicking off my shoes. I reach down to peel off my socks, only daring to peer down at him as I kick them safely to the side with my shoes.

He's staring up at me while he grips the bottom of his shirt, which he uses to mop up his wet forehead with the fabric. I can see his toned stomach and belly button.

"I'd say our chances on a day like today are highly unlikely. Why?"

I leave him hanging as I undo my trousers, yanking them down past my knees. I sort of want to show him how fun and daring I can be, and just how much he can be himself and have fun with me as well. I've never really worn just a pair of panties and a bra around someone before, but I try to seem confident about it. As I lift up with my arms, yanking off my shirt, I glance down at him again while biting down on my lip nervously.

Christian, kneeling, down near me, pauses with attempting to wipe up his face as he stares at me. I think I notice his eyes very quickly run down my body in just my bra and my underwear before he glances away immediately, forward at the landscape of the mountains ahead of us. I might be mistaken, but he seems almost a little... tense.

"I'll go in if you promise to come in too?" I whisper, hoping to make it seem like an enticing dare.

"What, you want to go swimming?" he asks, his eyes wide in alarm. "Now?"

"I will if you will? Like you just said, our chances of hyperthermia today are unlikely?"

To my relief, he doesn't turn me down or seems to need any further convincing.

I try not to look as Christian hastily unlaces his shoes, and pulls them off. He isn't wearing any socks. As he stands, I cannot resist looking. I just can't. I try not to seem too obvious with it as he unzips his jeans, then pulls them down, stepping out of them. Then just as quickly, he grabs the front of his shirt and peels it up over his head and off his body.

Like me, he's obviously not dressed in swimmers or is prepared to go for a dip. He's wearing black briefs, rather short. They cut off mid-thigh, showing off his long, muscular legs. And they're low at the pelvis too, showing off his hip indentations. Why does the man have to be so frigging gorgeous? Yeah, he may be older and someone's dad, but he's so hot!

I move my eyes away, just in time as he turns to look at me, and I can't help being relieved that he hasn't caught me perving and checking him out. I'm probably looking red as a red bell pepper.

"Ready then?" he asks, and I hesitate as I glance straight down at the sea water. It looks sort of deep down there. While I'm a fairly good swimmer, I really hope there won't be any sharks or ghastly sea creatures down here to attack us?

Christian's clearly braver than I am. Or maybe he's just trying to reassure me?

He steps over the railing at the front of his boat easily with his legs and then, barely a second later, he's diving straight into the water, completely submerging himself. It's impressive.

When he rises to the surface about 30 seconds later, he gasps for breath, lifting both arms to run his fingers through his damp hair, floating effortlessly as he peers up at me.

"You coming in or what?" he asks, and he sounds breathless.

"Is it really cold?" I ask nervously while climbing over the railings.

"Only for a few minutes, Anastasia. Just dive right in and you'll adjust to it."

Taking his word for it, I do what he says. Clamping my fingers over my nose while inhaling in deeply through my mouth, I squat, then jump off the boat, hitting the surface of the water and breaking through with an icy splash.

And he wasn't kidding. It's absolutely freezing.

I push my way up to the surface, squealing as I pop my head up out of the water, strands of my hair getting into my eyes. I push it back with my hands hastily as I use my legs, constantly moving them beneath the water, feeling a slow warmth trickle up the back of my legs from the exertion of using them. As it turns out, my bra isn't really designed to get wet in. I can almost feel my nipples peeking through the fabric, and I try to cover an arm over them self-consciously as I peer over at Christian to see what he's doing.

He's leisurely floating on his back, watching me. Even with his hair flat and damp from the water, he looks divine.

"See?" he murmurs knowingly while kicking his feet. I cannot contain a giggle when he starts floating near me. "It doesn't feel so cold after a while, does it?"

"You're right! I can feel myself getting warmer!"

I burst out laughing as he sinks back below the water without warning me. One second, he's just there, then in the next, he's completely gone, with his head sinking under the water. And then I feel something grab hold of one of my ankles, something that feels very much like his hand as he wraps his fingers tightly around it, and I'm being pulled under without my consent, being dragged down with my head under the water again.

He lets my ankle go just as quickly and I surface, coughing and spluttering, brushing my hair out of my face again hastily.

"Christian!" I scold with a glare as he surfaces himself. I can tell he's trying his very hardest not to laugh as he runs a hand through his wet hair. "You scared the shit out of me! I thought I was going to drown!"

"I'm sorry. Are you all right?" For once, Kate's father is back, all amusement immediately disappearing from his face as he blinks at me in concern instead. He kicks with his feet and uses his arms, swimming closer to me, "I'm sorry."

But then I can't stay mad for too long. I end up having to stifle a grin as I kick away from him, swimming to the other side of the boat. He ends up following right after me, unfairly matching my pace effortlessly.

We end up fooling around, floating in the water for what seems like over an hour. I can't even remember the last time I've swam at the beach, but this reminds me of why I enjoy it so much Apparently Christian feels the same.

"It's been a long, long time since I've done anything like this," he admits after he emerges from being underwater. He glides towards towards me until we're floating side by side, his face just barely inches from mine. "I've forgotten how much I actually enjoy swimming."

"Me, too," I agree with a grin. "It's fun. How long do you think we've been swimming for?"

"I'm not sure." He glances around us, up at the sky. The suns still brightly shining, but a distance away, a few clouds are forming. "Probably over an hour at the most?"

I peer at his face while floating, kicking my legs sporadically to keep myself upright. Beads of water roll from his damp hair, down his forehead. The line of his lips. I watch as his lips part slightly as he peers up above us, his eyes squinted in the sunlight. We haven't kissed anymore since it happened before on the boat, and I feel a crazy, mad urge to do it again. I want to move closer, wrap an arm around his shoulder even while we float. Press my damp lips to his. Only I'm too chicken right now. Where has all my braveness from before gone?

Suddenly, Christian turns his head, looking at me. I feel myself redden as I purposefully look away, watching the tips of my toes as I lift them slightly above the surface of the water.

"What are you thinking?" he asks, curious.

I feel my insides do a little jump as I try not to smile like an idiot. "Um, nothing. I just... I really like it out here. It's beautiful. Peaceful, even."

"Hmm, me too."

I realize my feet are tingling. "I think my bodies starting to get a little too cold," I murmur, cringing.

"You want to get out?"

"Maybe, yeah." I spin around, doggy-paddling back towards the boat. I reach up, gripping the railing. Then I realize that, once I climb out, my underwear is probably going to be see-through. He'll probably see through my underwear if I go 1st. But trying to seem confident, I heave myself up, the water dripping out from my drenched underwear, my bra. I deliberately don't glance back as I step over the railing, running both hands through my wet hair. It feels good anyway, despite how see-through my bra and underwear probably is.

Finding my shoes and my dry T-shirt and jeans, I grab them, only just hearing Christian panting behind me as he grabs his dry clothes as well.

"You can change down in the cabin. There's a fully functioning shower as well if you feel like getting under some hot water to warm yourself up again," he says, and I make a mistake in turning back to look at him.

He's just as wet as I am, obviously. Water drips down his body, his chest and his thighs while he holds his dry clothes and shoes in front of him, covering his soaked briefs from my view. Maybe he's just as nervous as I am about his underwear being see-through?

"Thanks," I murmur shyly, shivering despite the mild warmth of the sun. I can feel my teeth beginning to chatter. "A warm shower would be great." As I turn away to get towards the cabin, I try not to stress too much over the fact that he can probably see my bottom through the underwear I'm wearing. Once I get to the door, I head inside the cabin, my wet feet making foot trail marks on the carpet as I head towards the shower.

The shower is heavenly and I don't know how long I stand beneath the steaming, hot spray for, warming my skin and my bones back to life. He even has shampoo and conditioner bottles in the shower, so I use them, lathering up my hair, getting the sea water smell out of it.

And then I hear his voice, in the very same room.

"Anastasia?"

I gasp in embarrassment, covering my breasts with my arms while squeezing my thighs tight to hopefully hide my privates, my heart pounding. "Um, yeah?"

"I'm just grabbing your wet clothes, OK?" What? I struggle to understand what he means while trying to blink the water out of my eyes. "I thought I'd hang them outside. With the wind and the sun the way it's going, our clothes should be dry very soon." Just like that, it makes sense.

"Oh, OK. Thanks."

I don't hear him leave the bathroom, but he doesn't say anything else. Swooshing the water out of my eyes with my palm, I peek, realizing he's left the room anyway. He's already taken my wet bra and underwear.

Finding a fluffy towel, I pat myself dry while trying to comb out my wet hair with my fingers. Wrapping the towel around myself, I pad barefooted out of the cabin bathroom, finding Christian near the bed in the other room. He must have already removed and taken off his own wet briefs to hang them out in the sun as well, because I notice he has a towel tightly wrapped around his waist, his hair still damp.

My eyes drift to the neatly made bed that he's standing next to. Again, I can't help wondering if he's slept with a woman in here. Not that it's any of my business, of course.

"Um, the showers free if you want a turn," I tell him, forcing myself not to look anywhere else but straight into his eyes. He's here, in the same room as me, just in a towel like I am? We're practically naked, in the same room! How can I act normal when knowing that?

I imagine telling Kate what my weekend has entailed so far. Oh, you know, your father just took me out for a wonderful day on The Grace where we kissed and had lunch. Oh, and then we stripped down to have a swim in the water together. Then we were in the cabin naked except for towels covering our private parts!

She'd totally freak out if she ever knew.

"I might do actually." He rubs his hands together, a shaky exhale leaving him. "I think I need warming up myself." I keep my eyes on the crease-less sheets of the bed as he moves past me.

Once I hear the bathroom door in the cabin close, I release a breath I hadn't known I was holding in. God, it's crazy hard. Being in close proximity to him, knowing he's no doubt naked completely beneath that towel, just as I am, it's... crazy. I fold my arms over my chest tightly, making sure the towel is snug around my chest as I move towards the bed, peering down at it. My heart is racing, and there's this... this weird feeling? It's a feeling I can't say I've felt before. Well, maybe when we were kissing on the boat but... this?

I feel a strange, heavy tenderness in my breasts, in the spot between my thighs for some reason. Almost a dull but pleasant ache. It's discomforting yet... nice as well, the feeling. I feel my bottom lip tingle again from what he did to it earlier while kissing me, sucking it with both of his lips, and I bring up my fingers, tracing it to soothe it with my thumb as I blink down at the bed heavily.

I hear the shower turn on in the bathroom as I sink down to sit on the edge of the bed.

I want him, it occurs to me as I trace my bottom lip over and over. I want this man in the way that a girl completely gives herself to a man. I want to have my 1st time with him. Desire. Is that what I'm feeling? Sexual desire? I'm not sure. But all I know is that... I want him. And being so close, naked with just towels on, so close yet so far away...

Imagine if I just walked into the bathroom and joined him. I could easily open the door, throw off my towel, and climb in the shower with him. Then we'd both be truly naked, and then... My stomach squirms at the thought of what could happen.

Could I actually be brave enough to do it? I was brave enough to suggest swimming even although we didn't have the proper spare clothes. I was brave enough to admit my feelings, to kissing him.

But could I actually be brave enough to go into the bathroom, strip out of the towel, and come onto him?

I know I wouldn't be brave enough, much as I wish I could be. I'm just not that sort of girl, and all my overthinking about it, it's too late.

I hear the shower water stop running in the bathroom and I know it's too late, my chance is gone. And he hasn't attempted to kiss me again. He hasn't attempted to kiss me again, or even touch me in anyway whatsoever. It's like he's keeping his distance. Maybe he doesn't even see me in that way? Maybe he wouldn't even want me in that way, as much as I want him?

It's rather scary to want someone in this way... the 1st time I ever have before, and then not to know where we stand. It's just all so confusing, and I don't know what to think?

I hear the bathroom door open, and my heart races even faster than what I thought was possible. What am I doing, just sitting here on the bed like this, naked except for a towel wrapped around me? What am I waiting for?

"You're not dressed in your dry clothes?" Christian's voice tears me out of my thoughts. I turn my head to look at him, my heart sinking. Oh.

He's put on his dry clothes from earlier; His jeans and his shirt, everything except from his shoes. His hair is damp from the shower. Of course, he wouldn't need to wait for his underwear to dry. He can just wear jeans and go without them. He's staring at me with his head slightly tilted to the side, his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, um, I just thought I'd wait for my clothes to dry," I mutter awkwardly.

"Are you all right?" he asks softly, striding further into the room. He stops from the bed, a foot away from me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I force a smile as I peer up at him. "Like I said, I'm just... waiting for my clothes to dry."

"No, your not." There's an edge to his voice as he moves closer, and then he sits beside me on the bed, eyeing me. I meet his gaze briefly, before glancing away quickly. "Call it a father's intuition, but... raising a daughter has sort of given me insight into reading whether someone's upset or not." When I meet his eyes again, I see he's smiling at me. Just like always, his smile wrecks havoc on me. "Is there something on your mind?"

I wasn't expecting this at all, for him to try push this. What am I even supposed to say?

"Thank you for today," I murmur instead anxiously, the safest thing to really say. I interlace my fingers together in my lap as I peer down at them.

"No, it was my pleasure. Thank you."

"Thank me?" Finally, I seem to snap out of whatever strange mood I'm having. I press my lips together, fighting back a smile, as I lift my eyes to him again, peering at him quizzically. "Why would you be thanking me?"

He takes a deep breath before returning the smile, his grey eyes alight with something in them. "Because you've made me remember what it's like."

"Remember what?" I whisper, confused.

"You've made me remember how to..." He shakes his head, like he's lost for how to describe it even. "How to... have fun, I suppose you could say."

He's thanking me for reminding him how to have fun?

"It's been a long, long time for me," he admits, his voice gentle, barely just above a whisper. "Usually I'm so... focused with working or other things that I forget what it's like to actually be... careless for once and enjoy myself." He runs a hand slowly through his damp hair as he shakes his head, as if both surprised and amused by how much fun he's actually had with me. "Honestly, I haven't had a fun day like this in quite a while."

"Then I'm pleased it was fun for you," I murmur softly. His eyes alternate between looking at my lips, to my gaze, I notice. The look in his eyes, it's so soft, so gentle. He keeps rubbing his hands back and forth over the fabric of his jeans, like his palms are a little sweaty.

Sitting on the bed, close, I wish he'd lean over. I so wish he'd kiss me again like before.

"Jesus, Anastasia," he breathes unevenly, in a sort of breathless, vulnerable way that makes my heart stutter as his eyes drop to my mouth again.

He drops his eyes to his hands as a nervous sounding chuckle escapes him, and then he's covering a hand over them, rubbing his eyelids and around his forehead like he's frustrated or conflicted or something. I don't understand his reaction or what's going on at all.

"What are you doing to me?" he mutters a second later, hand still covering around his forehead, his eyes clenched closed from what I can see of him. I hear him exhale heavily through his mouth, his head moving side to side a little. "You've certainly taken me back."

"Taken you back?" What? I don't understand. "Where?"

He chuckles again as he finally lifts his head, meeting my gaze. "Back in time." I shake my head at him with wide-eyes to show I still don't understand quite what he's meaning. "To high school," he elaborates, his eyes softening as they roam my face slowly. "To being that... boy again. That... awkwardly smitten boy who didn't know what the hell he was doing." Reaching over with his hand, he gently pushes a wayward curl of my hair back behind my ear, my heart erratic and loud in my ears. "So yes, thank you." He runs the tip of his thumb down past my ear, over my cheekbone, my chin. "That's why I'm thanking you."

"How come you haven't kissed me again?" It comes out of my mouth needfully without my control. Tactless and desperate, and probably idiotic but right now I just don't care. At least it's come out of my mouth somehow.

His thumb stills from its stroking on my chin. I know I've surprised him. I see it in the way his eyes widen, in the way his shoulders tense. Especially in the way he breathes in a sharp, unsteady intake of breath. "Is that what you want, Anastasia?" he asks, his tone apprehensive. "You want me to kiss you?"

"Yes," I admit breathlessly, forcing to keep my eyes on his, although everything is screaming within me to shy away out of nerves. "More than anything." I lick my lips, moistening them with my tongue as his eyes focus on my mouth intently. "And... more."

I've made up my mind. Really, I think it's something I've wanted for a long time, ever since I started feeling my crush and admiration go deeper and deeper for this man. I just want him, and I want him to have all of me. Just him.

"More?"

To hell with it. If I don't get it over with now, I know I'll never be able to. Now's the most perfect time as any. We're alone, on his boat, sitting together on the bed. Now's the best time.

"My birthday's coming up in a few weeks. I'll be 18, and soon... soon I'll be finishing high school and I'll be off to college..." It comes out of my mouth in a high-pitched, nervous rush. "I'll probably be staying in a dorm with Kate or something, miles away, and I... I want to have this chance before it gets too late and I know that I..." I breathe in deeply through my nose, "I know that I'll never want it as much as I want it with you." I'm not even sure I'm making any sense to him. "I just... we're alone right now and I... I think it's the perfect time and this doesn't have to be anything more than what it is if you don't want it to be?"

Reaching up, I clasp my hand around his wrist gently, holding it in place, keeping his hand touching me.

"This is what I really want, and... and I know it would be the perfect early birthday gift for me, something to... to remember for the rest of my life. And you know me, you know that you can trust me. I-I would never, ever say a word to Kate."

I pause, sucking in a deep breath as I try to read him, to analyse his feelings on my request. He's quiet, sitting there, still, listening to me, his expression difficult to figure out. I can't tell if he's rejecting me or if he's going to go along with me at all.

"I guess what I'm saying is ultimately that I want you to, um, make love to me," I get out finally, cutting it short and simple, anxious over his reaction.

But I've gotten it out into the open now. And nothing can erase the fact that I've finally admitted to it.

SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER! SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE, I HAVE A FEELING ITS TERRIBLE. AFTER THIS THERE WILL BE TIME JUMPS, ETC. PLEASE GO EASY ON ME, I FEEL SO ANXIOUS