CHAPTER 17

IN TOO DEEP

ANASTASIA POINT OF VIEW

He still doesn't say anything in response to what I've said- even after what feels like ten minutes have passed us by. I sit there, on the bed in the cabin on his boat, squirming uncomfortably as he just stares at me, frozen at my words, his mouth agape.

I'm not even sure where my sudden confidence has come from to ask him this, especially out loud. But I suppose I've sort of been wishing I could say it out loud for quite a while now, I've been wondering and imagining what it would be like to actually take it deeper, to actually make it to the next level with him.

I stare down at my hands for a moment, then peek up at him again. This time he isn't looking at me. He stares at something in the cabin, though he looks paler than usual. He brings up both hands, running the pair of them through his hair while giving his head a little shake. Then as he finally turns his gray gaze onto me again, he at last says something in response. "Anastasia, you're..." He begins, then shakes his head again, a short chuckle escaping him. "You are so sweet and beautiful," he continues softly after a moment, his eyes holding mine.

I hear an amount of both hesitance and tenderness in his voice- I think I know what it means. I begin to get the feeling that he is attempting to let me down easy.

"I'm flattered that you say you want me to make love to you, that you even... like me that much, but..." He stops again with a low groan. "I don't mean to sound in anyway patronizing or rude but... you don't really want to experience your first time- this- with someone far older, do you? Assuming this would be your 1st time, of course?"

I don't know why he assumes it would matter or not, this being my 1st time. All I know is that I have never felt more confident or certain in the fact that I want him. I want so badly to experience this with him. "Yeah, I haven't, um, had sex before," I admit quietly, heat coming across my face. "So yes, you would be right in assuming this would be my 1st time. I'm, um, a virgin."

I peek up at his face again nervously, expecting him to laugh or make fun of me or something. I don't know why I'm worried that he would make fun of me due to my inexperience; In all the times I have spent around and spoken to Christian, he truly doesn't seem the type of man at all that would purposefully and maliciously make fun of someone.

"Well, see. That's what I thought." He smiles at me in a sort of gentle, kind way. My heart hammers when he brings up his hand to gently tuck another loose stray strand of wet hair back behind my ear. "Usually for both men and women, the 1st time is always something... special, something always remembered." He strokes my earlobe with the tip of his thumb. "You want to remember your 1st time as something good and positive; Something that you... shared with someone that you truly loved and trusted, someone that you were in a healthy and loving relationship with."

I bite my lip in defeat as his words slowly sink in, my shoulders sagging. Oh. So this is his way of trying to let me down gently?

"It's not that I don't like you or that I don't... enjoy being around you, Anastasia. Because I do. I enjoy being around you and talking to you. I've enjoyed taking you out today on The Grace and eating lunch with you and diving into the water for a swim. I enjoy listening to Frank with you and dancing together like we did that night."

"But?" I whisper apprehensively, knowing it's coming.

"But... as I said, I respect and care for you too much," he continues. "You deserve... someone your age. You deserve a 1st time with someone your age, someone that you'll eventually meet either in college or wherever your life leads you, and he'll be more... suitable for you. I wouldn't want to rob you of the chance to have the memories of your 1st time with someone else."

He thinks he's too old for me? That he'll even be robbing me of the chance of having memories of a 1st time with someone else?

While I feel like cowering in embarrassment at putting myself on the line only to be shot down, I think I can understand in some ways. Speaking with him, learning how he views himself. That date he'd gone on with that Gia woman and how he'd said he has been with his ex since school, that she were the only and 1st woman he was with. I think he's more so afraid of being hurt again. He's afraid of putting himself out there, of opening his heart up to the idea of being with someone again. Obviously his divorce has effected him hugely in some ways I can't even begin to imagine, yet at the same time, I sort of can.

When my father died although I was young at the time, I know it's effected my Mom, even if she hasn't let on about it or told that to me. In some ways, I know my Mom is lonely and that's probably why she always likes to keep busy, either with her work or with meeting new people. She's lonely and she hates being alone and I don't think she's ever truly gotten over my dad passing away. I guess it can effect people so differently- loss, even if my Mom's loss is different and more permanent than his was with his ex wife.

"I don't really believe that's it," I murmur thoughtfully after a moment.

His hand stills from brushing the hair out of my face. "You don't believe what?"

"What you say, about how it's mainly because you don't want to rob me of experiencing my 1st time, that I should experience it with someone more my own age. I think it's mainly because you're scared and not so much about any of those reasons at all."

"I'm scared?" he repeats slowly beneath his breath.

"Yes. I think you are mainly scared to let someone else in, to get... closer to someone after what happened before." I'm not sure if he'll be mad at me for saying this, but I try to pick my words carefully just in case. "I know you've been hurt before. Obviously you have with... your previous marriage. I think in some ways you even blame yourself for how it ended."

He blinks at me, his eyes brightening with something resembling awe, I think. Maybe awe? Or shock? "You're right, I do," he admits. "I do blame myself because I know I was at fault. I wasn't... there as much as I should have been. I worked too much, I probably didn't... pay as much attention as I should have."

"But it takes 2 people. You can't just be the one all at fault here."

"Jesus, Anastasia." He laughs spine-tinglingly at my words unexpectedly, surprising me as he glances away from me again for a moment. "You're frightening me," he murmurs in an unnerved tone.

"I frighten you?" I don't know whether to laugh and take it as a joke or not. But then Christian turns and meets my gaze again, his eyes shining with soft humor as he tries to press his lips together to stop himself from smiling. "How can I frighten you? Why am I frightening you right now?"

"Because you're so..." He shakes his head again with a short sigh. "You're so... perceptive. I keep referring to you as perceptive and it's true. You are." He bites down on his bottom lip with his front teeth thoughtfully. "Especially for your age."

"Sorry," I whisper, yet I can't help smiling widely. I like that he calls me that; Perceptive. It feels like a huge compliment to me.

"Don't apologize." He laughs again quickly. "It's just that it takes some time to get used to." I watch him side-on as he slowly rakes his fingers through his hair again, his expression deadly serious and contemplative. I have no idea what he is thinking about or if he's even going to follow through with my request, but I notice him stare at me intently, as if he's wondering deeply about something. "So you really want me to?" he asks quietly in a gentle voice, his head cocked to the side. "You really want me to make love to you?"

I feel that need to squirm again beneath his gaze, my cheeks feeling boiling hot. "I do, yes," I confess breathlessly. "But haven't I made that obvious with all of what I've just said to you? Even earlier while steering the boat as well?"

I try to seem brave and confident as I force myself to stare at nothing else but him, our eyes holding each others. Everything within me is screaming to glance away out of sheer nerves and embarrassment, but I try to force myself not to. Obviously I need to make this clear on him yet again on how serious and sure I am. And I am serious and sure.

I notice out of the corner of my eye his lips parting slightly. My eyes drop down to his mouth at their own accord as he slowly licks around his bottom lip, moistening it with his tongue. I'm still dying for him to finally kiss me again. As I return my eyes to his, I see that his eyes have moved down to my own mouth himself. We've been doing the same thing, eyeing each others mouths. I wonder if he's wanting to kiss me again as well.

As Christian returns his own eyes to mine, I hear him swallow loudly, his throat muscles twitching."If I were to say yes, would you allow me to do it my way?" he murmurs, his voice only just audible and above a whisper.

If he were to say yes... My heart accelerates in both excitement and trepidation at the possibility. "What? Your way?" I shake my head with a frown, I don't understand what he means by that.

"Can you give me 2 minutes?"

2 minutes? Why would he need two minutes? "Why 2 minutes?" I ask, my mouth dry.

"Just 2 minutes. And close your eyes." I watch as he stands from the bed, not completely believing him. Is this truly happening or is he just... messing with me? "Close your eyes," he warns again softly. Sitting up straighter on the mattress, I do.

I shut my eyes while listening carefully. I have no idea what he's going to do, but all I know is that I'm grinning widely. I'm smiling so hard it hurts. I clasp my hands together in my lap while trying to curb their exited shaking. My entire body feels like it's shaking uncontrollably, but not out of fear. Mainly excitement. Excitement and hope that this is truly going to happen.

I listen carefully, trying to judge what he's doing with my ears. All I can seem to hear is him moving around. I hear him switch something on, pressing buttons on something. The boat is unsteady, I can feel it swaying gently back and forth in the water- more noticeable now that my eyes are closed.

Then it starts and I burst out laughing while still keeping my eyes clenched closed. I feel a burst of heat gush all over me as his voice begins to flow out around me. Frank. He's playing a Frank Sinatra song on his boat, of all places. I recognize the song immediately as my favorite and his favorite too. I've Got You Under My Skin.

"OK, you can open your eyes now," he murmurs over the music.

I breathe in deeply through my nose, bracing myself, before slowly opening them like he says. My heart jolts in my chest as I find him standing above me, his expression unreadable as Frank continues to play with the song. Something so simple, yet so special.

My smile is still painfully in place as I lift my eyebrows up at him. "Frank?" I manage in a breathy, soft voice.

"I bring him with me everywhere I go."

"Good idea." Reaching down, he grabs my hand and guides me to my feet. I'm still only wearing a fluffy white towel wrapped around me, virtually naked everywhere else and bare-footed with my hair still damp from the shower like his is, yet I find I can hardly bring myself to care. Nothing else matters; Not even my own insecurity, my own nerves.

Stepping behind me, he pulls me into his arms, surprising me. He slips one arm around my waist, one large masculine hand gliding to rest at the center of my navel above the moist fabric of the towel, his long fingers spread out. His chest and the entire length of him is flush against my back as he holds his other arm above my shoulder. He reaches up and uses his hand to touch the side of my jaw with his fingertips, stroking and brushing them carefully around my chin and jawline area. Now I can't see his face and he can't seem mine, which relieves me considering the grin I'm wearing is probably pathetically overexcited and joyful due to the fact that not only he seems to be going along with my wishes, but also that he's holding me strongly in his arms, up against him.

As I've Got You Under My Skin goes deeper into the chorus, he begins swaying me gently so that the pair of us are moving to the music, swaying, rocking. He starts rubbing around my stomach through the towel as we continue to move and I shut my eyes again, my smile still permanently in place as I reach down to cover my own hand over his.

"Is this too cheesy?" I hear him eventually murmur against my earlobe, his warm breaths tickling me.

I laugh softly through Frank's crooning voice as I shake my head gently. "No, this isn't in anyway cheesy at all," I say back, my voice unrecognizable. I sound weirdly hoarse and winded. "It's perfect." And it's true; I actually do find it to be perfect. There's something sensual about the way he holds me to him, the way he moves us both to Frank's music.

I feel my own breathing go shallow as I feel him use the tip of his nose. He strokes around my earlobe with it, above my temples. An uncontrollable shiver passes through me. I hope it isn't too noticeable to him how shaky I am.

Using my other free hand, I reach behind him blindly, my fingers finding and groping a fistful of the material at the back of his shirt. As I do so and my head turns slowly sideways, it's then that I finally feel him. Though my eyes are still closed as I smile and sway to the music in his arms, I become aware of him more than anything else in the entire world as Christian leans down to press his mouth into mine.

I still can't believe this is happening, it really feels so surreal and almost dream-like. But I force myself to accept it as reality as I turn in his arms slightly as much as I'm able to, twisting my neck upwards to kiss him back. At 1st, our kisses are closed-mouthed and gentle, slow pecks at each others lips. And then soon, getting more wrapped up into it, I begin to forget about Frank Sinatra and the music in the background the more engrossed I am into our kiss.

Sliding to remove his hand off my stomach on the towel, he steps forwards completely in front of me, our lips beginning to move at a faster, more furious rate. He brings both hands up to my face, cradling it gentle, as I lean closer against him, deepening our kiss. He does that thing again like he did earlier on the boat; Something I find I really like, in capturing my bottom lip in between each of his lips.

He plucks at my bottom lip with his top and bottom ones, sucking and creating a delicious tender-tingling feeling through my bottom lip. I hear myself make a low moan as he eventually releases it, only to kiss me again. I reach up to run my fingers over his cheeks, then eventually, above his forehead, into his hair. Then he grips my hips with both hands and slowly pulls me back, pulling away from our kiss, his breathing harsh and unsteady.

"And you're sure you still want this with me?" he asks through both of our too loud breathing.

I nod once, my voice having somehow left me. He's still dressed in his clothes and I find I don't want that. I want to see him shirtless again, like all the other times I've seen him shirtless around me when I'd stay over with Kate for the weekend.

"Can I take off your shirt?" I ask in a drained whisper.

He nods, licking his lips, and he watches me. I reach up, taking the bottom of his polo-shirt with my hands, running them up his bare warm skin beneath it. His fingers brush and rub against my bare forearms before he lifts his arms up completely in the air, allowing me to help removing his shirt. I grab the material, yanking it up and over his head, then I let it fall carelessly at our feet as I stare at his toned chest, admiring him.

He may be in his 30's and a father, but so what? It definitely doesn't show in his body. It's so obvious how much he takes care of himself, which I know he does, with his games of golf and his jogging of a morning.

I'm just about to run my hands up his chest when he beats me to it. Before I can even manage to, a desperate and impatient sounding hiss escapes through his clenched teeth unsteadily. And then grabbing my forearms, he's slowly guiding me backwards towards the bed in the cabin.

He pushes me down and the instance I fall back against the comfortable spongy mattress, he's immediately falling with me, landing on top of me with both legs beside mine, his elbows supporting him upright above my shoulders so he doesn't lean onto me with his weight too much.

I meet his gaze, startled by the unfamiliarity in his expression- how warm his gray eyes are, how loud he's breathing through his parted lips- before he bends down towards my chest, at the bit around my neck that's still exposed in the damp towel wrapped around me. He begins kissing around my neck and down my throat, gliding his lips slowly to my collarbone and back up again. I moan uncontrollably as I reach up, grabbing and touching his hair with my hands as he resumes kissing around my throat, his lips hot.

I've never known anything could feel this good before. He's on top of me, on the bed in the cabin of The Grace, kissing around my throat and chest as Frank continues playing with his music. As he disappears and stops kissing around my chest suddenly, I get up on my elbows quickly to see where he's gone and what he is up to, panting and full of need.

He nuzzles his head and his nose into the damp towel still wrapped around my body as he sinks lower and lower down the mattress and my body with his knees.

Nuzzling the side of his face around the towel at my legs, he finally lifts his head to gaze up at me, his hair unkempt and messy from the way I've grabbed at it. "Can I take this thing off?" he asks, his voice unlike I've heard it before in all the times we've spoken to each other. It's low, desperate and strained with need.

"The... the towel, you mean?"

"Yeah." Suddenly, my nerves return at the thought. I'm naked completely beneath it. I haven't shown anyone my body before. "I want to see you. All of you."

Although still a little embarrassed and shy, I try not to let it show or make too much of a big deal of it. I lean up to unwrap the towel slowly, peeling it off my body, exposing myself completely to him. It's hard to look at his face as he kneels up near my feet on his knees. I notice his eyes roam slowly down every part of my body, truly taking it in; My exposed breasts, my stomach and hips. Then... down there. I have to force myself not to follow through on the impulse to cover myself up as I squirm beneath his gaze.

The look that comes across his face as he scrutinizes every part of me that's bared to him, it's... different. But in a good way; A way that I've never had somebody look at me before. He reminds me almost of a dehydrated man in a desert discovering water for the 1st time in days. His eyes glisten intensely with what seems to me appreciation as a shaky exhale escapes his mouth.

"You're beautiful, do you know that?" he murmurs as he meets my eyes. I feel my cheeks glow with a blush. "Everything about you is." The sincerity in his voice, his expression, it takes my breath away. "Your body. Your face. Your big... smile."

"No one's ever called me beautiful before."

"Well, you are. And they should."

I still can't help the shy impulse to hide myself away from him again.

He must notice it, because he adds under his breath, "There's no need to be shy. You have nothing to be nervous about."

"I-I don't know," I murmur with a shrug.

"You don't." His eyes suddenly soften and I think he seems apprehensive for some reason as he stares up at me, searching. "You are sure you still want this?" he asks gently. It's like he's worried I'll suddenly change my mind or something. But it's nice to know he wants me to be completely sure.

"I'm sure. I'm definitely sure, Christian."

"Then that's good to know." He smiles at me, infecting me with those spine-tingling feelings again as he always does whenever he simply smiles or laughs. He leans down suddenly, surprising me. He presses a kiss to my right kneecap, then the other. I squirm again uncontrollably. "If at any time you don't want to, just tell me, Anastasia. I won't mind."

"Are you hoping I'll change my mind?"

"I just want you to be sure. I don't... want you regretting this."

"I won't," I assure him.

Satisfied in my assurance, he begins to move again, kissing my exposed towel-less body in various places. My head is spinning dizzily when he assaults me with kisses, paying attention to every single part of me, not neglecting any.

I'd seen on a few movies how this goes; how the guy is fast and all about his pleasure, but surprisingly Christian seems to take it slow, as if he's all about my pleasure. He pays my skin a very good amount of attention, lathering it with kisses and hand caresses that send me squirming, my head tossing back at some rather ticklish places.

Then as he slowly works his way up my chest, he reaches my exposed pair of breasts with his head. I've always felt particularly self-conscious about my breasts, feeling they have grown more than I would have liked. But to my relief, he seems to like them.

"You're beautiful," he says again with a flattering amount of sincerity, and then he dips his head, pressing a kiss to each of my nipples. I squirm, feeling them harden strangely at the sensation of his warm lips kissing them.

He makes my body feel loved and good in a way I never expected. And after we spend a few more minutes kissing, it sinks into my brain again that this is actually happening. As he unbuttons his jeans and pulls them down, I see he has an erection. I have to shut my eyes as I swallow out of nerves. I've heard the 1st time can be painful so I'm not sure what to expect. But even then, he's completely gentle with me in making it as painless as possible.

"Is this going to hurt?" I breathe out nervously as he sinks around me, his elbows supporting himself upright so he isn't completely squishing me. He covers me, naked as I am, his skin warm and coarser beneath mine.

"I've heard that the 1st time can be painful for the woman. It's been... a long time, but I know that it can be uncomfortable." Finding strength to do it, I reopen my eyes, lifting my gaze to meet his from where he is above me. He keeps himself still above me on his elbows, his knees over mine, larger feet next to mine.

"I'm nervous," I point out, though something tells me he probably can already see that plainly written all over my face as he peers down at me.

"I know. Just try to relax, OK?" His voice is concerned, yet soothing on me. "I would never deliberately hurt you."

"I know you wouldn't. I-I know that isn't the type of person that you are."

"Good. Then just breathe, OK?" Although his words are reassuring, I still can't help but feel nervous as I peer up into his eyes. Even without looking below us, I know that he's bracing himself and preparing for the moment he pushes inside me with the head of his erection. He's just waiting for the right moment, I guess.

Lifting a hand, he plays with a strand of my hair, gently curling it and pushing it away from my forehead. Then as he leans down, kissing me softly, I feel it without warning. I feel a weird slight pinching sensation as he begins to ease into me, very gently and slowly. I can only moan in relief against his mouth that he's taking it easy and being considerate and cautious enough to be extra gentle.

I make a face against his lips at the strange, full sensation of Christian filling me. Then he makes a deep, gruff noise of his own- something that makes me feel as though I've suddenly been doused with scorching hot water- as he slowly leans back, removing his mouth from mine. There's pleasure written all over his face, his eyes gleaming in appreciation at the feeling as he peers down at me, his breathing loud.

"I've heard that's somewhat the hardest part of it. Are you feeling OK?" His voice is hoarse. "Just let me know when you're ready."

"I-I think so." Reaching up, I grip onto his shoulders tightly, squeezing with my fingers for something to hold onto. "I'm ready." Then he moves.

At 1st, it's rather uncomfortable and painful, even if he is easing himself in and out of me very delicately and slowly so as not to hurt me too much. And then, along with the pain, something else starts to take off; A different, exhilarating new feeling. Lifting up to grab the back of his neck with my hand, I pull him down, desperately needing his kisses.

As he starts moving to a more regular pace, our lips begin to drown each other's cries and panting out as we kiss. Sex and having a man inside you, I discover, is such an interesting, unique experience. It's unlike anything I could have ever fantasized. As Christian shifts slightly on the bed while opening his mouth, kissing me deeper while using his tongue, it grows even more and more alive and intense; that feeling inside me.

Afterwards, after we both orgasm, I feel like all I can do is simply lie there, amazed and overwhelmed all at once. It was... incredible. Indescribable. I'm still panting while desperately trying to settle my breathing as Christian remains inside me for a long moment, exhausted himself, the both of us covered with a sheen of sweat. He holds his mouth to my forehead as he recoups himself, a hand tangled in my hair as Frank continues singing in the background endlessly.

And then I have to laugh and grin to myself, dazed and dizzy with happiness. My 1st time. My 1st time with Christian, an older man; The man I've been crushing on endlessly since Kate 1st invited me over to meet him. I try to ignore the little part where he's my best friend's father and how he's in his middle 30's.

Despite those few glaring ominous pieces, I feel overjoyed. I couldn't have imagined a better 1st time.

It's probably selfish and if it were ever to be brought to the surface, I know it would probably wreck my friendship with Kate forever. But I would never be the one to tell her if I could help it.

Afterwards, I get dressed into my now-dry bra and underwear while Christian exits the cabin to start the motor of The Grace again to get us back safely to shore and into the marina. I cannot help smiling to myself as I get changed back into my clothes; There's this permanent light-headed joy there, a relaxed rubbery feeling in my bones and joints.

Checking myself in the reflection in the bathroom mirror, I try to fix up and neaten my hair, noticing I have a strange post-coital glow about me. Even now, I can't believe what happened between us barely half an hour ago in bed in the cabin.

It had definitely been above and beyond my expectations and I feel so happy. I just hadn't thought Christian would have went along with my request.

Finding one of the spare jackets he keeps on the boat in case it's cold out and the wind has picked up, I slide my arms into the sleeves and zip it up snugly before heading back out onto the deck.

My cheeks redden as I find Christian back in one of his obviously natural elements, manning the boat at the wheel, steering it along effortlessly. He looks calm and relaxed in a way I haven't seen him look before, his hair windswept in the breeze, his stance looser; I wonder if it's because of what we've just done together. Obviously it is and it's had an extra positive effect on him.

My hair whips and lashes out around my face in the breeze as I start approaching where he is at the wheel, coming from behind. I manage to sneak up behind him, catching him off-guard as he turns to suddenly find me standing right at his side near the wheel.

I hear him gasp as he covers a hand over his chest, feigning fear, I think. "Jesus. You almost gave me a heart attack," he mutters breathlessly over the wind. "I hadn't even noticed you were there?"

"Sorry." But then he smiles so I think I'm forgiven. I feel myself flush as I smile back at him, leaning close as he steers the boat.

All I can seem to think about now whenever I so much as look at his face or see him smile, is what it had felt like while he was inside me, and how wonderful the orgasm had felt. How he'd pressed his mouth to every single piece of my skin, leaving no part of my body neglected and wanting. The man is incredibly good at knowing how to make a girl feel rather cherished and special. Then again, he's probably had years of experience so he probably would have to know how.

"You cold?" he asks near my ear and when I glance his way again, I see his gray eyes roam down the jacket of his that I'm wearing very deliberately and pointedly.

"Yeah, I am a little. Thank God that you have spare jackets in there. I feel nice and toasty warm now."

"You look it, too," he says in reply, his mouth twitching. "Adorably toasty warm."

I feel an urge to kiss him as he stares at me and runs his eyes over my face and the jacket again. Instinctively and assuming it's OK after we've done what we did, I move closer, reaching up with my hand to touch his cheek. Immediately and hurting me, he moves away and turns his gaze forward out towards the sea instead, avoiding me before I can even get the chance to kiss him again.

I stare at his face in confusion as he peers ahead; His eyes squinted in the breeze, fingers wrapped around the wheel and gripping it tight. I don't understand his mood or his reaction towards me going to kiss him at all. What? Now that we've made the next step, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? He doesn't want to kiss or touch me anymore?

SO SORRY FOR TAKING LONG, I'VE BEEN BUSY WITH WORKING OVERTIME AND HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO WRITE SO HAVE HAD TO WRITE THIS IN INSTALLMENTS. THIS IS THE BIG NERVE-WRACKING CHAPTER FOR ME TO WRITE SO I DO HOPE IT ISN'T HORRIBLY WRITTEN. p.S SORRY IF IT HAS FALLEN FLAT AS SOME HAVE STATED I HAVENT WRITTEN A SEX SCENE BEFORE. CHRISTIAN WILL EXPLAIN His REACTION NEXT CHAPTER