CHAPTER 20
IN TOO DEEP
ANASTASIA POINT OF VIEW
I find myself tossing and turning impatiently beneath the soft bed sheets as I wait, listening carefully for the second I hear that familiar sound of Kate's heavy breathing as she sleeps deeply. I cannot wait to sneak downstairs once I know for certain Kate is sleeping deeply and there won't be a chance of her noticing me getting up out of her double bed.
The anticipation, the wondering about what will happen between us downstairs once I do finally meet Christian in the kitchen, it's... addictive. Exhilarating.
Once I begin to hear that sound of Kate's deep, steady breaths, I wait a few minutes. Then I work on sneaking out of the sheets without rustling around too much. Kicking my bare feet out of the sheets and throwing me legs off the mattress, I manage to slide off the bed as slowly and carefully as possible.
Her deep undisturbed breathing tells me I've been successful in not waking her, thank god. If she did happen to wake up, if she did suddenly catch me trying to sneak out... it would be torture.
Blindly in the dark of her room, I outstretch my hands and feel my way towards her bedroom door. It's even harder managing to open it fully without it making a noise. I know from experience of staying at Kate's house that her bedroom door squeaks if opened all the way, so I be careful to only open it roughly enough so that I can just manage to squeeze through the gap without difficulty.
Once successfully getting through, I close her door back up fully as softly as possible. My heart is racing, super fast. It's even trickier to have self-control, to tell myself not to just race downstairs as fast as possible to the kitchen.
The thought of him already down there, waiting for me in the kitchen, it makes me smile. I hope he's already there. I'm not even totally sure what the time is but all I am confident of is that it's clearly late at night, considering how dark and quiet everything is inside the house.
Light on the tips of my toes, I pad my way softly towards where the kitchen is. I've only just made it past the entryway when suddenly a shadow jumps out of practically nowhere, startling me.
"Sssh, it's just me," Christian says, his voice low, hushed. He catches me by the wrist, then starts pulling me along, leading me out of the kitchen slowly. "Here. Follow me. There's something I want to show you."
There's something he wants to show me? I try to gaze up at his face, to see him properly through the dark to see any hint of what he wishes to show me, only it's impossible. His face is too clouded in darkness to make any sense of his expression. All I can do is trust him and allow him to lead the way.
I see the faint shadowy imprint of a door against the stark white background of the walls. He releases my wrist and hushes me again while finding the doorknob. I don't think I've really been inside the room before or that part of the house. Obviously it wouldn't be polite to snoop around so much on Kate and her father's house, so I wouldn't think of it unless I had their permission.
I hear him open the door and he stands back against it to let me in 1st. Slowly, I inch my way in, hoping to be careful not to accidentally tread on anything or knock anything. I hear Christian close the door up gently from behind me. Then there's a sudden clicking noise and I am blinded by a muted, yellow glow of light illuminating everything up.
He's turned on a lamp, I realize. And this room, it definitely isn't 1 that I have been inside before.
There's a large mahogany desk in 1 corner, which has the lamp on it. It's neatly arranged with pens and paper. Next to it, is a filing cabinet and an electronic shredder for shredding paper, as well as a printer. In the opposite corner of the room, there's an old dusty yoga mat, dumb bell weights, and what appears to be old toys and knickknacks that must have belonged to Kate as a child.
"This is our recreation room," Christian explains quietly, moving around it. "Sometimes this where I do work at home because it's quiet. Other times, we just store things in here that we're not sure where to put them."
Curious, I spot a decent sized boat model on a small drawer. I move towards it, inspecting it curiously. It looks identical to The Grace, exactly like her but pint sized.
"I made that myself," he says, and I realize he's standing right behind me. "It's an exact replica of The Grace."
"I thought so," I murmur, reaching out to touch the little wooden wheel on it gently with my finger. It looks like it would have taken him hours to assemble. There is so much detail in every bit of it. "It would have taken you a long time?"
"Just a little over 3 weeks," he admits with humor in his tone. "As you no doubt could imagine, it was incredibly frustrating to get it all right and in the exact precise spot."
"Yeah, I can definitely imagine how frustrating it would have been," I laugh in agreement. Then I notice something to the left of it, tucked in the corner. There's a keyboard sitting there, with it's own comfortable looking bench seat. Next to it, is what appears to be a very neat headphone system. "Do you play that?" I ask softly, hinting to the electronic keyboard set-up near the wall. "The keyboard?"
"I do, actually. It's 1 of my favorite things to do although... I don't get to play as often as I like."
"Do you play it well?" I reach out, stroking 1 of the black keys gently. My finger comes away a little dusty. It really must be a while- like he's just said.
"I suppose that's a matter of personal interpretation but... you could say that." I turn to look at him, and just as I suspected, he is standing right behind me. He's watching me intently, something there in his gray eyes. I realize for the 1st time that he's wearing his boxers and a tight-fitting light blue shirt. "I've always wanted a piano but..." He tosses his head, trailing off into silence.
"But?" I prompt curiously.
"But... the ex always felt it would take up too much space and clutter the house up," he finishes under his breath hurriedly. "So... I always settled for the keyboard instead." Moving to stand at my side, he reaches down, switching a little button on. A green light appears on the keyboard, signalling that it's on, I think. Then he reaches over to that neat little headphone system, pulls them off carefully, and looks at me meaningfully. "Here, put these on and take a seat," he whispers unevenly, and I do.
I notice there's a new gleam in his eyes as I slip the headphones on over my ears carefully, watching him. He seems excited, almost palpably with it. I realize he intends to play me something and I find myself actually interested and dying to hear what he can do with a keyboard.
I step over the bench and sink down onto it, the covering over it red satin and soft on my bottom.
"Play something for me then," I murmur, not totally sure how loud I'm speaking through the vibrations the keyboard is obmitting. And then, a second later, Christian actually does.
I feel paralyzed- but in an incredibly good way, of course- when he slips his arms through mine, raising his hands to the keyboard. And then I'm entranced, not only by the melody that he starts to play, but also the way his hands and fingers move, fluttering and dancing over the white and black keys with skill. This. This is honestly a huge part of why I find him to be so impossibly... what were his words last weekend? 'Desirable?' It's how experienced he is, how he can do so many things with precision, with skill. I can't deny that is a huge part of my attraction to this older man.
I close my eyes to the music, stiffening, my belly clenching in a curious way as I let the music spill out in my ears through the headphones, enveloping me. The melody is sweet, romantic and joyful, yet it has hints of melancholy to it too. I feel the tip of his chin resting against the top of my scalp, my hair, his body pressed up against me as he plays from behind me while standing.
The closeness, the way his arms and the short sleeves of his cotton shirt brush up against mine every time he touches various keys, it's... amazing. Weirdly erotic, even.
And he's such a good, capable player. He plays so amazingly well.
Reopening my eyes slowly, I watch his hands again, his fingers. I've always found something alluring and sexy about even his hands, oddly enough. Now, even more so. The way he deftly works the keys, all fingers at a time. It's incredible.
"Well, if you ever tire of being a businessman, you definitely could have a promising career in music," I murmur through the melody, though I'm not sure if I'm speaking too loudly or not. "You play really well. It's beautiful."
Unable to help myself, I reach up tentatively with my hands, then lay my palms over his knuckles. I can feel various tendons and bones moving against my palm as he continues to play. And then as the song eventually reaches it's conclusion, he lets it fall to a dramatic halt, my ears left ringing while my hands remain over his.
I can't hear properly because the earphones muffle my ears. A bit reluctantly, I remove my hands from his, reaching up, sliding the earphones down carefully to hang them around my neck. It's then that I can hear him from behind me. He's breathing loudly, heavily.
"That was amazing," I say again, my voice sounding weird. "The fact that you are good at so many things, Christian, it-"
My breath hitches in my throat, the words cut off. He reaches up unexpectedly, his hand covering over my chin, holding it, fingers squeezing gently. And then he moves my head back to an angle slightly, and then he's leaning forward over me.
His lips find mine, my chin still grasped in his hand.
Instinctively, I push back against the keyboard, trying to move around. It's a bit awkward but I manage to without breaking the kiss, and I reach up with a hand, cupping his face, stroking around his stubble-rough chin with my thumb in return. We kiss for what seems hours, our mouths moving together, our breathing hot and heavy. And then he slowly lowers himself down onto his knees between my legs, his fingers loosening it's grasp around my chin. He leans back a little, parting our lips to look at me.
I feel like I'm on fire with all of this need, it's crazy.
"Can I... try something?" he asks me softly, his voice breathless.
"Try what?" I ask, my voice just as inaudible from panting so hard. I'm not sure what he means.
He licks his lips and waits a little to regain his breath while he allows me to still have my hand cupping the side of his face, my fingers tracing around his warm cheekbone, the twitchy tight muscle and tendon in his jaw.
"Have you ever-" Christian begins, but then he stops uncertainly.
"Have I ever, what?"
Still working to recapture his breath, Christian releases my chin, only to brush his fingers slowly down the column of my throat, down towards the neck of my shirt. His touch, it leaves me feeling hot all over... hot and on fire, electricity.
"Has someone ever... kissed you before?"
I'm not sure whether to laugh out loud in confusion or not. "Um, I don't-"
"-Down there," he mutters, and his gray eyes wander down to my parted thighs in a pointed manner. My blood seems to run cold at the realization. Oh, he doesn't mean kissing as in kissing, I realize. He means... something else.
I feel myself flush as I make sense of what he's trying to say, a weird feeling coming over me. "Um, no, no one's ever really..." I swallow, feeling shy all of a sudden. "I mean, when I told you I was a... a virgin, I, um... I didn't just mean with- with sex. I meant, um, with practically everything else as well." I find I can hardly meet his eyes and I have to drop them, glancing down at a spot on his shirt instead. "So no, I haven't ever... I mean, how could I?" I'm rambling, probably idiotically. He's just taken me by so much surprise. "I mean, I... I'm not that naive. I-I know people do that sort of stuff but it... it just hasn't been done before. With... me by a... another person."
Steeling myself, I force myself to meet his eyes, to stop being silly. I don't want to come across as immature or shy, the fact that I can't even talk about something like this without feeling rather embarrassed.
I try to read his expression while he digests my words in. Does he actually want to do that to me? Is that... why he is asking?
I get a sudden flash of it, a sudden image of him actually doing that to me, down there. Various muscles clench again in a not so uncomfortable way, my heart races, my skin burns at the thought. Imagining it, him... it actually seems sexy.
"Do...do you want to?" I blab uncertainly, my voice unsteady. "I mean, um... is that why you were asking me whether I... I have had someone do that to me before?"
"Frankly? Yes." My mouth goes dry as he lifts his gaze, holding mine. He doesn't even shy away in embarrassment at all. I realize that is probably because he's older. These things, he's probably done it all before. It's nothing to be shy about. "Yes, that was... the reason why I was asking you, Anastasia. Yes." Holding my eyes straight-on, he licks his lips again. "I want to."
I. Am. Dead.
"But if you aren't comfortable with that, then of course, I mean no pressure," he murmurs quickly, his eyes evaluating mine, as if trying to read me and my feelings carefully. "I just... from experience, I understand that it's extremely pleasurable for the... recipient." He seems to be picking his words with care, his voice low, husky. "In all the times I've... participated, it was... well received."
But what about his pleasure? Isn't it only 1 sided, him doing... that... to me? What about him?
"But do you... like doing that... yourself?" I ask.
"I do," he admits, a small encouraging smile coming across his lips. "And I know it will give you pleasure and... I want to do that. I want to give you... pleasure."
Immediately I feel embarrassed for putting him in this position where he has to explain it to me so thoroughly. Why can't I just... go with it freely?
"Then yes, I, um... I want you to, Christian." Finally, I can get the words out, even although a tiny heat spreads to my cheeks. "I would like that. Thank you."
"OK," he breathes, blinking heavily at my admission. I think he's almost... relieved? "As like before, just... try to relax. Breathe."
My stomach is in knots as I reach down, pulling down my pajama bottoms. My hands are shaking. I think everything is pretty much though. Christian sits back on his knees, and then he helps me, freeing my trousers from my ankles and pushing them aside.
"You'll like this," he says, his voice somehow soothing. "Trust me. And again, if at any minute, you decide you don't want this, just... tell me. OK?"
"OK," I murmur nervously. I find myself doing nothing else but watching him, leaning my back against the keyboard behind me. It's impossible to look away, my heart racing, as he reaches up, hooking his forefingers through the band of my underwear. Then he slides them down to my ankles and frees them from my feet as well.
It's sort of scary and I feel vulnerable. Perhaps even more vulnerable than I did the 1st time we had sex together, because... this is his mouth down there. And what if I don't taste right to him? Or what if I... revolt him in some way?
"Come here," Christian says gently, once he glances up at me again, standing up on his knees. And I do.
He goes in between my knees, resting his hands on each of my kneecaps. I inhale in deeply, staring into his eyes as he gently coaxes my legs wider apart, pushing gently with his hands. Then once satisfied my legs are open wide enough, I suppose, he lifts both hands off my kneecaps, only to place them on my waist, holding me.
"You feeling OK?" he asks, the sincere concern in his voice taking my breath away. I really don't know why I feel so apprehensive, honestly. He said he wants to do. The look on his face, in his eyes... He looks like he wants to do it too. "You know you can trust me, sweetheart. Don't you?"
"I do," I murmur at once, knowing that I can. "It isn't that I don't trust you, I'm just... nervous."
"I know. But just breathe. Relax. Your here with me, and you can trust me. It'll feel good, OK? It's just like... the 1st time before. After the initial 1st experience, the... fear, you'll see how good it feels. Then you'll want it, again and again."
Eyes on nothing else but mine, he moves one of his hands off my waist. He uses his fingers, slowly tracing at my navel through my pajama tank top. Then he finally meets my bare skin, and his fingers are warm, caressing. His pinkie finger brushes against my hair down there, I feel it, and I stiffen.
"I'm going to touch you 1st, OK?" he murmurs softly, his voice strained. "See how you like that first of all. Is that OK?"
"Y-yes," I answer without hesitation.
His fingers slowly go right down there and... oh. This. He's right. After the initial discomfort, it actually feels rather... nice. His eyes remain on mine, gray and penetrating, as he circles gently with his fingers at my most intimate part. His breathing is loud, trembling. Matching mine. But then he stops suddenly with his fingers, just holding them there.
"Was that OK?" he asks me.
"Yes, it... it's good." But I find I want more. "Will you-?" I begin hesitantly, but then to my relief, I don't need to finish that sentence.
It's the strangest yet amazing thing. Moving his hands to grip at my kneecaps again, keeping them widely open, Christian suddenly bends down so that his head is... right down there to me. At 1st, I feel his warm breath. And then... he leans in completely, putting his mouth right on me.
It's lucky he actually thought of holding my knees apart because, jolting at the sudden sensation, my legs scramble to close, to shut at the foreign sensation. His tongue is warm, warm and moist, unlike anything. And his words, he is so right. After that initial shock of experiencing something for the 1st time, there is...
Now so much pleasure building... and growing.
But then he stops, abruptly cutting off all sensation. A weird cry I haven't heard come from me before erupts. "You still OK?" he asks, his voice hidden between my legs. "Do you want me to continue?" His voice. His voice alone. It's so raw, so strained with emotion, with desire even.
"P-please continue," I beg, surprising even myself.
"Are you sure?" he asks again, still hovering there. It's nice that he needs to know completely for certain but... holy hell.
"I'm sure, Christian. Please, I... I need it." My legs squirm, not out of wanting to close, but need this time, need and impatience. Reaching down, I gently touch the back of his head, cupping the nape of his neck. "I need more! Please!"
At last he listens to me, and he continues. It is truly unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Amazing does not even seem to cover how good it feels, his tongue, slippery and wet and moist inside me. This man. What he is making me feel. It's... incredible. Something I never dreamed possible. And being concerned about taste and self-conscious over it. He clearly doesn't mind, does he?
"C-Christian," I murmur breathlessly. I feel like I have lost total control of my body; It trembles, shakes, convulsing.
Then it happens, in a big way. My legs stiffen and shudder, this amazing warmth spills over me, a glorious white light assaults my vision as I cry out. He doesn't stop, even when the feeling overcomes me. He just doesn't stop.
But when he finally does, I'm still uncontrollably shuddering, still shaking and moaning.
"Sssh, sweetheart," he reminds me hoarsely, getting back up onto his knees. He's panting himself somehow, his lips shiny as he licks them. "Katherine's upstairs, Ana. Remember?" Crap, Kate.
I try to close my mouth and focus on breathing calmly as he slides an arm over my shoulder, pulling me in close. I rest my forehead against his shirt, still amazed, still trembling.
"You OK?" he asks again breathlessly after a long moment of just holding me, one of his hands in my hair, his lips on the crown of my forehead.
"Yeah."
"Did you like that?"
"Yeah." I nod against his forehead. I wonder if he can tell how speechless I am, how tired and unable to talk. "Thank you," I add quietly. "I never..."
"What?" His fingers stroke my hair.
"I never thought that you would..."
"What?"
"Want to do that..."
A weird gurgling noise erupts from either 1 of our stomachs. I'm not sure whether it's him or me.
I feel him shake silently with laughter, his arm still around me. "I believe that is a non-verbal cue to go get something to eat."
"Mmm."
"Wait here. I'll be right back," he murmurs, slowly moving away from me. He gets back up onto his legs, his knees cracking. "Quietly," he mutters, but to himself I think, as he heads slowly to the door of the rec room. "Quietly."
I sit there, still half-dazed on the bench, waiting for his return. I feel drugged, sleepy. Like I don't want to move. But I force myself to, in reaching down for my panties. I've just slid back into them when I hear him return back into the rec room. He shuts the door gently, carrying what appears to be a large tub of something and 2 spoons.
"I'm sorry," he says as he returns to me, sliding back down onto his knees gingerly. "Unfortunately all I could find right now is yogurt."
"Mmm, yogurts good," I whisper, struggling back into my pajama bottoms. "Thank you."
We end up sitting on the dimly lit floor of his rec room, his long legs spread out with me sitting between them, feasting on spoonfuls of cold vanilla yogurt ravenously for a few quiet moments. His arm is around me while he holds the tub, our spoons clashing together to get our next yogurt fix. But it's nice. Soothing, quiet and relaxing.
"Kate told me something in the car today," I begin softly, remembering the conversation we had earlier on today on the way over here to his house. I turn to look at him, his face seeming paler in the dim lighting as he sucks on his spoon. "She said that apparently when you were younger, you were something of a fighter and a brawler?" I can't help it, I'm definitely intrigued by this.
His reaction only just makes me all the more intrigued. Christian smiles widely at my words and he fails at suppressing a laugh. "She's right," he admits though I sense a bit of reluctance there to speak about it. Still, his smile is still in place as he digs yogurt out of the tub with his spoon. "I was something of a brawler in my younger years, Ana. I was a... complete and utter shit."
I laugh at his words, trying to imagine it. "You don't seem much of a fighter to me though? I find it really hard to imagine you like that?"
"Well, perhaps I'm not, not so much now. But in my much earlier days, I was." He then shows me a mark on the inner side of his elbow, telling me a very fascinating story of how a guy smashed his bottle over Christian's arm and that was how he got it. He had to have 15 stitches in his arm from that fight. "Then when I was around 16 or 17, I had to go to court and was charged for assaulting an officer of the law."
"What?" I laugh in disbelief, my eyes wide. "You assaulted a police officer?"
"I did." He doesn't sound very proud of it. "But as I said, I was 16 or 17, around that. I was a complete and utter little shit. I didn't care what trouble I got into."
"Wow." I cannot believe it.
"But then... the ex told me she was pregnant with Katherine, eventually around that time. I decided I couldn't be an irresponsible little shit anymore and that I had to man-up and do the right thing."
"Well, like you told me, you were only around 16 or 17 years old when it happened," I whisper, then dip my spoon back into the yogurt container. "You were young. I think everyone that age is allowed to be irresponsible at least once. Isn't that what it's all about? Making mistakes and learning from them?"
I peer over at him, realizing he's looking at me funny. I think I've surprised him or something, but then he quickly looks away down into the tub himself. "So what about you then?" he asks, something there in his tone.
"What about me?"
"If you say that everyone at that age is allowed to be irresponsible at least once. What is going to be your way of being irresponsible?"
I think over his question deeply while swallowing a mouthful of the cool, delicious yogurt down. I have no idea how to answer that. "I'm not sure," I admit thoughtfully. "But I'll probably do something. Perhaps not something as serious as assaulting a police officer though like you did..." He smiles shortly at my teasing remark. I feel like there's something there, that I've hit a nerve. What though? What could I have said?
"So this then," he begins after what seems like a weirdly tense couple of minutes, his eyes still on nothing else but the inside of the tub, "You wouldn't consider this irresponsible?"
"This?" I repeat. I can hear my heart thumping in my ears as he lifts his eyes to look at me at last, his expression alarmingly grave and serious.
"Yes, this? You and me? Us?" I can't work out what he's trying to say between the lines. "This isn't irresponsible to you? One of those little... things you do when you're young and irresponsible, a mistake you learn from as you get older?"
I feel my face deflate at how unnerving he's suddenly being. He's obviously trying to say something between the lines but... what? I don't understand what he's trying to ask? "Meaning... what, Christian?" I ask softly, shaking my head.
"Katherine has already sent in a few applications to the colleges that she is interested in. Have you?" he asks, changing subject unexpectedly. I don't understand what he means by it at all.
"Um, I have. Kate and I were hoping to get into the same college actually."
"Then what?"
"I was hoping to move out of my mother's house. I think I've already explained to you how... unsupported I am by her and how distant she is towards me."
He nods once but doesn't say anything more on the topic, his eyes glued to his spoon. Why do things feel strange all of a sudden between us, as if there's some sense of... anger there on his side?
"Are you, um, mad at me or something?" I ask uncertainly, my appetite for the yogurt lost. "Because it sort of seems like you are?"
"Mad at you?" Finally, Christian looks at me again. He arches his eyebrows, his expression unreadable. "What makes you think that I'm mad at you?"
"Your tone and your... your questions, for 1 thing maybe?"
He sighs loudly, dropping his spoon into the container heavily. One hand goes to his hair as he runs his fingers through it, an air of exasperation in his expression as he shakes his head a few times. "Look, Ana, I don't know about you but... I'm tired."
Tired?
"I think I'm going to go upstairs to bed."
"OK?" I can only stare in confusion as he leans over, giving me a chaste but lingering kiss on the cheek. Our conversations for the night is done and at a finish. But that sense of anger there, or maybe not anger but a sense of... something? It doesn't leave me, even on my way back upstairs slowly to Kate's bedroom. I just cannot wrap my head around it. What is wrong with him? What did I all of a sudden do?
CHRISTIAN POINT OF VIEW
"Dad, I look like shit..." Kate complains as she dashes out into the kitchen, spinning around so that I can see my daughter all dressed and grown up and ready for her big day. The dark grey gown whirls around with the movement, billowing at her ankles while the little red tassel on the top of her cap flicks her in the eye.
"Stop it, Kate. You look fine," I assure her. "Besides every other student there will be wearing it."
"I hate it, it's so uncomfortable. It drags."
The day of the high school graduation ceremony has approached and this morning, the house is a whirl-storm of overexcited yet anxious girls getting ready for the big day, my daughter Katherine especially.
Anastasia had slept over the evening before, because Kate and I decided that we would drive her there along with us seeing as her mother was unfortunately engaged in a work commitment and couldn't attend (What the fuck is wrong with her mother, not attending her own daughter's high school graduation ceremony?)
It's been a hectic morning; the 3 of us getting prepared. Katherine even refused to eat the breakfast I prepared while at least Ana was a little more happy to eat hers with me. Even now, Katherine still isn't happy.
"Just relax. You'll be fine." I say this at the precise moment Anastasia exits the bathroom, wearing her own matching dark grey gown and matching cap, her flowing dark hair neatly tucked beneath the cap, her eyes bright and eager.
"Wow, Ana," Kate gushes, envy coloring her voice. "You look so much better than me! It's so unfair! Doesn't she, Dad?"
Instead of answering my daughter straight away, I walk closer to where Anastasia is standing, her shoulders slightly hunched, hands crossed in front of her.
She stays still and glances up at me, her clear eyes big and full of warning, but frankly, I don't give a shit right now whether my daughter is in the room or not. I just have to touch that lip of hers. Reaching up and moving slowly, I use the tip of my thumb, tracing it slowly down her lower lip. Ana's eyes remain on mine, that wide anxious look in them, filled with warning to not do anything because of who happens to be in the room right with us.
Her throat muscles move as she swallows loudly and then her lips part. As she brings out her tongue tentatively to lick her lip, I feel her tongue brush against the pad of my thumb. Sliding my thumb up towards her top lip, she startles me by opening her mouth and completely catching the entire tip of my thumb, sucking it into her mouth, her warm tongue pulsating against it. Fuck me. What is she doing to me?
"Um, Dad? Hello?" My daughter's loud voice startles me and I snap to attention, hastily bringing my eyes back to where my daughter is. "Are you feeling OK, Dad? You totally just spaced out for a moment there?"
"Oh." My eyes dart back to where Anastasia is, dressed neatly in her gown and cap, a nervous gleam in her eyes, her cheeks reddish tinged. "What?" Smooth, Grey. Real fucking smooth right now.
"Dad, I just said we're pretty much ready to go if you are? Are you ready?"
"Ah, yeah...of course, I..." To my horror, I'm stammering. My throat is too dry, my face too hot. "Uh, let me just head to the bathroom quickly for a second girls, will you?"
Excusing myself, I rush into the bathroom and lock myself in there. I stare at my reflection in the mirror, annoyed with myself. For God's sake, what is wrong with me? Can I not even make it through a few minutes without having to think of Anastasia, not to mention making a complete and utter ass of myself? I should never have allowed this to happen, it's too... difficult. I should never have allowed it to happen, and now, these fucking feelings won't subside no matter how hard I try.
Running water into the sink, I cup it, splashing it onto my too hot face. Then I grab a towel off the rack and run it over my damp dripping face in angry, punishing strokes. She's a young girl, for fuck sake. It meant nothing serious to her.
These were mere nice opportunities and soon, she'll be off at college and she will forget all about me and it. I really need to get myself together. She's a girl, a young girl, while you are an adult. She does not want anything else from you, certainly not a serious thing. She's got her life ahead of her, why would she want to be tied down to (for lack of a better imaginative word) an old fart like you?
Jesus.
"I hope he's OK," I hear Anastasia's voice out in the hallway.
"Yeah, me too. I think he's just really, really nervous about seeing Mom today."
"Probably."
Glaring at my reflection one last time, I hang the towel back onto the rack and smooth down one of the best suits I own, trying to appear composed. Taking 1 last breath, I open the door, finding both girls waiting for me.
"OK. Are we ready?" I ask them. "Should we head on over?"
ANASTASIA POINT OF VIEW
I thought I was nervous for today but apparently I'm not the only 1.
Not only is Kate incredibly nervous, but I'm fairly certain Christian is as well. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he gets into the drivers seat and buckles up. While he looks incredible in his grey Armani suit, he also looks very agitated.
I bite down on my lip as I forcefully drag my eyes away, glancing outside the window instead. I wonder if he's nervous mainly about seeing her. The ex wife. I think I'll be quite devastated if something happens and they end up together again. No, I don't just think. I know. And honestly, I'm worried about his reaction to her as well. Although he told me that his bar brawling days are way in the past, I can only just hope nothing happens. I hope it won't upset him to see her again, I hope it won't open up his wound and make it gaping fresh again.
I think I'm more anxious about seeing the ex wife than I even am about attending my own graduation ceremony, which ought to say something. I glance Kate's way, eyeing her speculatively. She looks like she wants to be sick, poor thing. I have to wonder if she is just as nervous about how this whole Christian-and-her-mom being in the same room as well thing, not to mention her mom's new partner.
It's almost a relief once Christian finds a place to park at the busy school campus and we arrive at last. Kate unbuckles herself and sits up, checking herself out in the rear view mirror, straightening up her cap. As for me, I couldn't care less whether my cap is straight or not.
Christian comes around the car, opening the door for me. I smile at him gratefully while Kate scoots over to climb out on the same side as well. She reaches out and grabs my hand, clinging onto it while Christian slams the door shut.
"Where will you be, Dad?" Kate asks, her voice unusually high-pitched with anxiety as we all start walking to the gym where the ceremony will be held.
"I'll be somewhere in the room at the back, probably."
"Do you think you'll sit next to Mom?" My own stomach does a little fluttering leap as I turn to look at him at Kate's question.
"I don't think so, honey. I think I'd prefer to sit by myself up at the back." I stiffen in surprise when I finally feel and realize Christian has his hand resting on my back as he walks beside me, Kate on my other side; I just hadn't felt it because my gown is so heavy and thick. "But don't worry. Even if I'm sitting at the back, I'm still rooting for you. OK?"
"Thanks, dad. I appreciate it."
There's a line of people waiting to fill into the auditorium and it takes us a while to squeeze in to find our places. It occurs to me that my heart is racing and my breathing is shallow; I'm nervous for Christian myself. But as I peer over at him, surprisingly he looks utterly cool and composed, if yet bright eyed with happiness for his daughter.
"I think I better go grab a seat at the back before they are taken," he informs us, looking around quickly. I wonder if he's looking for the ex. "Congratulations you two, you'll be fine." He leans down, kissing Kate swiftly on the cheek while his hand is still on my back. Then he does the same, turning towards me.
I catch myself glancing in Kate's direction nervously, watching her face while we do it. He kisses me, only it's a little closer to my mouth than my cheek. Knowing she isn't looking, I deliberately move my mouth more in his direction.
Turning his head up, I feel his mouth near my ear, his voice low, "You look beautiful, Anastasia."
Anxious to seem normal and as if nothing is going on, I force a smile, nodding once. "You look great in your suit yourself, Mr Grey," I murmur back. "Very handsome." As he leans back and we part ways, I glance at Kate who seems preoccupied, peering around the gym. "Who are you looking for?" I ask her curiously.
"Mom and her partner, of course." Then her eyes light up at something far, far past me. "Oh, cool. There they are!" She points towards them and waves and as I turn to look myself, my stomach somersaults. "Right over there!"
I look towards the woman and man, who both smile and wave back at Kate enthusiastically.
I know it's terrible of me, but the woman, I find nothing particularly spectacular about her at all. She looks slightly older than the age she should be, which is Christian's age, so I'm assuming her days spent travelling in hot sunny places has had a bit of an everlasting effect on her. I know Kate has shown me Facebook selfies of her, but she looks a bit different in person.
She's taller than her new partner, her hair blonde and wavy. I think I know where Kate got the shape of her eyes from, and it was definitely from her mother. Her partner has a boyish, round face, with a reddish goatee and balding hair. In all things considered, they look extremely happy together and in-love. It just makes me feel even more concerned about Christian.
I try to search for him through the crowd of parents, only I can't seem to find him. Even glancing at the row in the back, he's difficult to spot.
"Well, we better head up and find our seats," Kate says, grabbing my hand. "Come on."
Reluctantly, I turn away and give up on my search, following her through the crowded room. I can't help stressing about him though. I really do hope he's dealing with it OK in seeing his ex again.
I find out that Kate and I unfortunately have to be separated. She finds her seat in G while I have to find mine in S. Surreptitiously I use my walking back to my advantage so I can search for him again. He has to be in here somewhere. He came in with us for goodness sake.
"Anastasia." Someone calls my name and my head darts around to discover it's one of my teachers. "Over here," he says, pointing to the chair. "Your seat is just here."
"Oh. Thank you."
I move to my chair, sinking down into it. But seeing as there is no one up at the stage as yet, I turn back around, glancing for him nervously in the auditorium. My eyes scan the rows and then they land on Kate's Mother again and Christian's ex. I watch her as her partner whispers something in her ear, then they both laugh, her obviously finding something humorous. But where is Christian right now? Where? He said he'd be at the back?
I follow another row carefully, searching hard. Some parents look really excited, others bored out of their brains. Then I see him, finally. Christian. He isn't quite sitting at the back, but the instance I find him, I realize he's staring straight at me.
I try to give him a look while raising my eyebrows, as if to communicate, Are you OK right now?
It's impossible to know what he's trying to say in response. He simply smiles at me, then interlinks his fingers together, crossing his hands and holding them up towards his chin. If he's affected by his ex being in the room in anyway whatsoever, I can't tell.
Turning back in my seat, finally the principle approaches the stage to address us all. The ceremony goes for too long, with a montage being played with photos in our school yearbook in earlier years. I try to bite back the temptation to glance back to check on Christian every chance I get, but I'm still worried.
Finally, when our names begin to be called in alphabetical order to come up to collect our diplomas, I am relieved.
When Kate is called up to the stage, I smile at her and clap before turning around to glance back at what's going in. Christian has stood from his chair to applaud her, and I feel that same nervous sensation in my stomach when I notice her mom and her new partner have as well. I think I see Christian's head turn towards them before he sits back down again, my view of him obstructed by the student behind me. Crap, did he finally just notice them there?
Once S comes up in the alphabetical order, I at last hear my name being called. I stand from my chair, rushing up towards the stage while trying not to accidentally trip on my long gown. I allow my eyes to find Christian again after accepting my diploma, relieved that he's stood up from his chair again to applaud even me. Kate's mother turns around in her seat and I see her look at her ex husband. What else happens after that, I can't be sure because the time is gone and I have to hop back down the stage to my seat.
CHRISTIAN POINT OF VIEW
You fucking bastard, I think to myself as I watch the back of his bald head as he sits next to her a few rows ahead of me. I hope you are enjoying being in my place now, you fucker.
I knew this day was going to come where I would finally see the ex again and see for myself who this new guy was in person. I'd known for weeks and weeks in advance that they both would be attending the ceremony, it just takes me a second to wrap my head around actually being here, actually finally being in the same room as them. It feels like I've been waiting years for this moment to arrive and here it is.
I would very much like to kick the bastards ass right now, yet just as I feel like I'm confident enough to make the move and do anything, something always delays it and distracts me. Firstly, my daughter's name gets called.
I stand from the chair, watching eagerly as Katherine starts up the stage. My heart is a balloon, swelling tight with joy, with pleasure. But then he stands as well, and so does she. Of course, her mother has to stand up and I understand that, she's her mother. But him. He dares to stand up as well?
Gritting my teeth and shaking my head, I try to shake it off, instead focusing on my daughter. I applaud her while trying to appear unaffected, forcing a grin on my face for her. This is about my daughter. This is her day.
Once she climbs back down the stage to take her seat after accepting her diploma, I sink back down into my chair, my head pounding I am that fucking infuriated. What right did this bastard have standing when she's my daughter?
Just as I'm imagining how I'm going to do it, I hear Anastasia's name being called out and decide I'd rather die than miss her accepting her diploma as well. I force myself to stand back up from the chair, clapping loudly as she steps up onto the stage. The rush of happiness I felt for my daughter is different compared to how I feel now. Instead of happiness, rather in it's place instead is... affection? Tenderness? I'm not sure what it is, but something I felt while applauding my daughter is far different than how I feel here for Ana.
I think she catches me standing at the back of the room because an embarrassed smile comes across her face, an incredibly adorable one. God, this girl. This beautiful, beautiful young woman. She'll be the death of me.
I don't what causes me to do it, but for some reason I glance my ex and her new assholes way again. Immediately, I realize she's looking right over at me, looking just exactly as she did the night she left me. She hasn't changed much at all, aside from the heavy tan that covers her skin.
Those eyes of hers scrutinize me, curiously, cautiously. Just 2 casual acquaintances. Like nothing ever fucking happened, not even years and years of marriage together. Nor a child had and created together.
Not yet, I decide to myself, glancing back up to the stage, realizing Anastasia's already left with her diploma. Patience. Have Patience. After this is all over, when we're alone...
I'll do it. I'll get to the fucker then.
I just can't ruin my girl's day by doing it in front of all of these other people.
20 minutes later and the entire ceremony is over with. I'm surprised I've remained in my seat, that I haven't crippled the fucker. Everyone stands, gathering their things, meeting their children. I notice the ex and her new asshole stand, making their way through the crowd towards Katherine. Do I go as well? Do I confront him now?
But then it's her I see far ahead of them. Ana. Standing alone while holding her diploma. She looks back and sees me standing alone as well, and honestly, thank fuck for her right now. My heart swells with that same feeling as before as she pushes through the crowd to reach me, slipping past Katherine who is exchanging hugs with the bitch and asshole new partner.
"Congratulations, Miss Steele," I say once she reaches me.
She gives me a shy smile as she clings to her diploma. "Thank you. And thank you for standing up and applauding for me as well. I didn't realize how hard it was to not have my mother here until then when it occurred to me that I was literally the only 1 with no parents present."
"Well, it's her loss. She should be here for her daughter." Bending down, I brush my lips against her cheek, my eyes uncontrollably darting to where the bitch and asshole is again. I notice they are talking to Katherine now while her mother keeps looking my way. What the fuck can she want?
"Please, don't even think about it, Christian." Anastasia's panicked voice startles me, tearing my eyes away from my ex.
"Think about what?"
"You know exactly what. I know your thinking that maybe perhaps your brawl days aren't quite so over just yet..."
Her words seem to do the trick, surprisingly. I chuckle beneath my breath, all thanks to her. "OK, so maybe I was thinking of how satisfying it would be to punch him so hard it would knock him flat on his ass."
"Well, don't. Kate will never forgive you if you do. Please don't ruin her day and make a scene."
I blink down at Ana, shocked. Jesus. How can this girl be so fucking intuitive? So wise beyond her years yet so vulnerable and young? It never ceases to amaze me at times.
"Besides, it isn't worth it." Her blue eyes roam back to where the group are, and my own eyes follow to where she's looking. Now he's looking at me, the fucker. Grasping onto her hand while looking right at me. This is who she wants? He was worth it, throwing away a decent marriage and life together? He's the 1 she loves?
Then again, on second thought, maybe it's no surprise truly at all, why she chose him and left me? Her phone call comes back to me, how she said he listens to her, he actually listens and doesn't try to fix things and get to the root of the problem like I do. He just listens. And he's evidently younger than the pair of us. Fitter. Handsomer. Everything that I'm not, he's everything that I lack. Clearly.
"There's, um, something I forgot to tell you earlier," Ana mutters quietly, tearing me out of my own inner self-loathing.
I peer back down at her, cocking my head quizzically at her expression. She looks shy, as if she's about to say something incredibly embarrassing. Something I'll laugh at her at.
"What, Ana? What did you forget to tell me?"
"Um, well, you..." I feel like I cannot breath when she steps closer, leaning up towards me. Her mouth finds my ear, her breath warm against my earlobe. "You look so sexy in your suit and tie. That's what I meant to tell you earlier on, only... obviously I couldn't get you alone." My breath hitches in my throat at the sheer elusiveness of her words. Fuck me.
"You think I look sexy?" I repeat slowly, leaning back to look down at her. She's biting that plump bottom lip of hers while trying not to smile, her eyes shining up at me with sincerity.
"Well, who am I kidding? It isn't the suit and tie that makes you sexy."
I squint down at her, trying to hear her properly through the crowd of over-ecstatic parents commending their children. "It isn't?"
"No, it's..." She hesitates, her eyes roaming down my face slowly, her front teeth slowly releasing that lip of hers. "It's just you. He can't even begin to compare." Be still my fucking heart.
"C-Christian?" It's her. Her voice. "Christian, uh, hi. It... it's me. How... how are you?"
Emboldened by the fact that Ana is standing right next to me, as well as her words, I glance over at her, discovering her approaching us. I realize she looks scared; Her gaze hesitant, her facial expression cautious. Like she's terrified I'll suddenly start lashing out on her in front of our daughter's own student body and teachers.
"Elena," I greet, thankful my voice gives nothing away whatsoever.
"How... how are you? It... it's been a while?"
'You look so sexy in your suit and tie.'
"Yes, it has been a while," I agree.
"Are you, um, well? You look it. H-how about you come over and meet my partner? He-"
'You look so sexy in your suit and tie. Well, who am I kidding? It isn't the suit and tie that makes you sexy.'
"Thanks for the offer, Elena, but I'm not interested in meeting your partner and getting into personal shit." Instead, I reach over, placing my hand on Anastasia's back gently, "I'm actually just here for my daughter and her friend today. Excuse me." Guiding Ana along with me, I suck in a deep breath, then let it all out raggedly.
'It's just you. He can't even begin to compare.'
A HUGE THANK YOU TO YOU ALL FOR BEING SO KIND. A HUGE THANKS FOR YOUR PM'S AS WELL, THEY MEAN A LOT TO ME, EVERY WRITTEN WORD AND REVIEW GIVEN. I WILL TRY FROM NOW ON NOT TO BE AS HARD AND CRITICAL ON MYSELF, I FIND IT IS EASIEST TO BE YOUR WORST OWN ENEMY.
STILL, HOPING THIS CHAPTER IS OK. AND THANK YOU ALL SO, SO MUCH, YOU ALL ARE SO WONDERFUL IN INSPIRING ME TO WRITE WITH YOUR SUCH KINDNESS, I'M REALLY GRATEFUL. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO SOME (IF STILL CELEBRATING WHERE YOU ARE). HOPE THE START TO THE NEW YEAR IS GOING SAFELY AND WELL FOR YOU! XX