IN TOO DEEP
CHAPTER 22
The rest of our morning is fairly slow and relaxed. We make toast and coffee for breakfast downstairs in the kitchen; talking, eating and drinking peacefully. Christian tells me more about what his work entails over buttered toast, and it's actually really nice. It's enjoyable; hearing him talk about what his job position entails at work and just about reasonably mundane, normal every day things in general. We take our time, eating slowly, savoring each bite. He's the 1st to completely devour all of his slices of toast.
I nibble on the corner of mine, enjoying how serenely quiet it is at this time of the morning. Kate doesn't arrive back home from her mother's until sometime in the late afternoon and it's nice to spend time with Christian while he sits there dressed in nothing but his boxer briefs, relaxed and unrushed. Popping 2 fingers into his mouth and sucking off the remnants of melted butter from them- that thing I always seem to like that he does- he grabs his empty plate and slips off the stool in the kitchen, strutting over towards the sink.
Yesterday's events come back to me after he took me out to dinner as his own version of celebrating me graduating as I slowly take my time chewing. How I'd suggested we make out on the couch, how enjoyable and fun it was. And also... my question afterwards, and his explanation to it. I'd asked what this was, and he hadn't felt any need to label it.
Also, his strange question about whether I 'do this with all the boys', whatever that means. Honestly I'm not sure whether to be a little bit annoyed by the insinuation that I'd do what we did together often with other guys, in making out with someone. I haven't, obviously. He's been the only man I've literally liked enough to do anything with. But I don't see the relevance at all in him bringing that up, about how apparently once I attend college, I'll have guys lining up to date me or whatever. What did that have to do with what I was initially asking him- about what this was to him?
I understand I'll be starting college soon, but I don't see how he feels it would be 'unrealistic' or something if we started something serious together. While I can't speak for him and the way he feels, I know personally myself that I wish we could be something more, that I want us to be something more. I want him to be my boyfriend and I wish we could be in a relationship together. I can't see myself wanting that with anyone else yet it's like he doesn't believe me or something. It's frustrating.
I shove the last corner of my toast into my mouth, chewing quickly as I drag my eyes up to where Christian is standing. I'd been so preoccupied with my own thoughts that I hadn't even noticed he was already halfway through doing the dishes already, his back turned to me. Is he scared? I wonder, sliding off my own stool, grabbing my now empty but crumb scattered plate and my cup. Is that mainly what the issue is and why he is so reluctant to label this? Or to get any more... serious in what we are doing together? Is it ultimately because he is scared due to past experiences and hurt with his ex wife? Or am I just... reading too much into this completely?
I slip in beside him at the sink, shoving my own dirty plate and mug in the water. I risk a peek up at him while starting to clean my plate, finding him staring right down at me. It's impossible to know what he's thinking about, his head tilted slightly to the side, gray eyes deep on me.
"Everything OK?" he asks softly, finally breaking the silence between us.
I nod mutely, turning my eyes away, focusing on giving my plate a good scrub with the foamy detergent and hot water in the sink.
"I was thinking about having a shower. Join me?"
His offer for me to join him in the shower takes my breath away. Talk about unexpected. It takes me a second to get my head clear.
Without waiting for my answer, he wipes his hands dry on the dishtowel, then tosses it over the sink. I can only simply stare after him with raised eyebrows as he turns and stalks out of the kitchen towards the bathroom, not even bothering to glance behind him to make sure I'm coming or not.
I deliberately try to prolong the moment by thoroughly rinsing out the sink, then dry my own damp hands hastily on the dishtowel. When I slowly start to approach his own personal bathroom that is attached in his bedroom, immediately I hear the telling sound of the shower fired up and running. I notice he's kept the bathroom door slightly ajar for me, steam slowly leaking out through the crack. Breathing in deeply to not only try and contain my excitement but also calm my nerves, I quickly bend down, stripping out of my underwear. I fling my feet free, kicking them off to the side, then reach up with both arms, chucking the baggy top I'm wearing over the pair of underwear on the floor in his room. Then my bras the last to go; I finally pull down each strap swiftly, yanking my bra off. I let it fall on the floor as well.
The moist steam from the running shower hits my exposed skin as I pad my way barefooted into the bathroom. I see the outline of his body through the shower curtain, through the rolls of condensation from the steam. His boxer briefs lay discarded carelessly on the tiles; I step over them as I sneak towards the shower curtain, my heart beginning to hammer loudly in my chest.
Bravely I reach up, pushing the shower curtain gently to the side, then I step in carefully into the shower with him. My eyes go straight to Christian immediately; Already, he's standing over the hot steaming spray of water that shoots out of the jet, his back turned to me, both arms raised over his head, biceps bulging. He runs both hands through his damp hair, wiping the shampoo or conditioner out.
He truly is desirable, even if he does have doubts about his own attractiveness. His backside, facing me, gloriously taunt and unmarked. Every single thing about the man is frankly amazing in my eyes.
Without warning, Christian leans back out of the spray, wiping the water off his face and out of his eyes with his palms. Finally he turns his head, his gray eyes finding me standing there observing him, equally as naked and exposed, at last. Beads of water roll down his cheeks, down his chin, as he stares at me silently for a moment, something there in his eyes.
"Nice of you to finally join me," he murmurs after a moment, his voice strangely hoarse, deeper-sounding than normal. It takes all I have not to glance down out of nerves when I notice his eyes very slowly roam up and down my exposed body, over my breasts, my thighs. Then he slowly moves back, making himself smaller somehow, squaring his shoulders as he leans pressed up against the wall, "Come over here and come under the water, Anastasia. You'll warm up then."
He doesn't need to tell me twice; Biting down on my bottom lip, I step closer, until my skin is directly beneath the spray. It feels so good, and he's right. The instance I get under it, I feel warmer and less shivery. Better.
"That's so good," I murmur softly beneath the spray, enjoying it. "There's never anything like having a warm shower in the morning."
"I couldn't agree more with you," he murmurs.
I bend my head slightly, allowing the strands of my hair to get completely saturated. Then Christian surprises me with what he moves to do next. I see out of the corner of my eye 1 of his arms reach out near me, then I hear the unmistakable sound of a bottle of shampoo or conditioner being squeezed.
He does something no one has ever done for me before; Aside from perhaps when I was extremely little, when my mother probably did it for me as a child who couldn't do it herself. Suddenly he is massaging the back of my wet scalp with his large hands, lathering shampoo deeply into my hair. I allow my eyes to close, relaxing at the sensation of his hands and fingers massaging my head, shampooing my hair up.
"Turn around," I hear him say quietly and still keeping my eyes clenched closed, I do, turning blindly towards him. He cups over both of my ears gently with his hands, and then I feel him tilt me back towards the running water, droplets tickling me as he helps rinse the shampoo lather out. "Let me help wash you," he says afterwards, and I let my eyes squint open a fraction to see him reaching for the soap now.
He lathers it up between his hands into foamy suds, then puts his hands on my body, beginning with each of my shoulders, then down along my arms. I never knew something like this could actually be so pleasant and nice; having someone else in the shower with you, letting them wash your hair and then use their hands to gently yet firmly cleanse every single part of skin on your body. There's also something erotic about the whole experience as well; As Christian bends down on his knees and reaches up, focusing on lathering and stroking down below my belly, to the tops of my thighs and my ankles, I feel my breath hitch in my throat as I reopen my eyes to glance down at him, watching him on his knees.
On his knees, so focused and absorbed in washing every single part of me clean, of rubbing me down, it's... sexy. So attentive and romantic. When he grasps onto my left foot, he brings it up, getting me to rest it on his kneecap. I have to reach down and cling onto 1 of his broad shoulders for balance as I do so. He starts rubbing around my foot with his strong fingers, leaving no single place on my naked body untouched in the shower.
I can't remain quiet for long, not when he turns his attention to my right foot, getting me to lift that 1 up and rest it on his kneecap as well. His fingers brush against the arch of my heel and around the pads of my toes, and it's then the ticklish feelings surface. A low, soft giggle escapes me at his touch and I can do nothing but grin when at last Christian lifts up his chin, turning his gaze back onto me, meeting my eyes.
"Somebody is ticklish," he observes like he's found out a major secret about me.
"My feet," I admit, a little strangely embarrassed. "Whenever someone goes near my feet, it always gets to me."
"Hmm. Good to know."
I notice the shining gentleness in his gray eyes at the sound of my laughter, the way the corners of his mouth curls slightly in mirth.
"OK, well, that's enough with tickling my feet and washing me," I manage through breathless laughter, closing my arms over his elbow, trying to yank and motion for him to stand back up in the shower. As he does, I reach for the soap like he did, lathering it up with my own hands. "I want to wash you too," I murmur, reaching over to place the soap back into its little place. "I mean, seeing as you only just done me, I figure it's only fair I return the favor after all, isn't it?"
Christian doesn't say anything in response, but he lets me do what I want in return.
I watch his face as I place my soapy hands on each of his broad shoulders, then I start to run them slowly along, up his neck, down his toned pectorals, those scar marks and his defined hard muscles. His lips part slightly at my touch, a bead of water rolling between his lips, into his mouth. As I reach his hips, his groin and pelvis area, I see the muscles in his throat twitch as he swallows loudly, his breathing beginning to sound louder, harder.
"Is this OK if I do the same for you in washing you too?" I ask cautiously, reaching down, letting the backs of my trembling fingers on my right hand brush against the firm, slippery skin on his upper thigh.
"Do whatever you want, Anastasia," he murmurs, that tight, strained tone still to his voice. "You won't get any complaints from me, I promise. You are the one in the driving seat right now."
I'm the 1 in the driving seat?
"Oh? So I'm the one in the driving seat right now?" I tease, unable to help my amusement at his words. "Strangely enough, I find I like the sound of that. Maybe even a little too much..."
He gives me 1 of his spine-tingling chuckles, making me smile. Just like that, he's made me feel braver, more bolder.
As I kneel down, doing what he did in getting down on his knees near the shower drain to rub his hands back and forth over my legs, copying him, I come face to face with the erection I realize for the 1st time that he's sporting. It reveals to me how much he likes this, the fact I'm touching him, washing him with my own hands myself. He obviously enjoys me being the '1 in the driving seat' more than just a little... I peer up at him from where I am, down on my knees, massaging the deep firm muscles on the back of his thighs. He's staring right down at me, his hair darker and flat from the water, his face dripping.
"I like you doing this, touching me," he confesses, his voice breathless. "I like the way your hands feel on me."
I swallow, feeling heat gush at my cheeks. "I liked how your hands felt on me too. I like you touching me as well." I brush my fingers down his calves. "Are you ticklish on your feet too?" I'm probably far more curious than I should be about this. "Let's see, shall we?"
But Just as I'm reaching down to touch his bare feet, he surprises me by reaching down himself, both of his much larger hands coming down to close over the sides of my head, my cheeks. He grasps my face in his hands, pulling upwards slightly, motioning for me to stand back onto my feet, I think. Ungraciously, I stand, bringing myself up unsteadily, his hands still cupping my face tightly. Then he leans down, kissing me while holding my face.
It feels unusual but nice, our lips touching, mashing together when wet. I taste something that I can't tell is either the water from the shower or his own saliva. Reaching across, I curl my arms around him, flattening them along the hard ridges and tendons in his warm back, pressing myself close. I feel my breasts flatten against his own nipples, our own skin rubbing together, sliding, slipping with the water cascading over us.
"You are so gorgeous, you know that?" he murmurs against my mouth. "So... so gorgeous."
"You are," I murmur back, my voice muffled against his own mouth.
Unwinding my arms from around his back, I blindly find his hands that are still clasping my head tightly, running my palms down along them, then his forearms, up towards the elongated muscles of his biceps, caressing him.
Suddenly Christian bears all his weight onto me with his body and I stumble back, the length of my spine, my bare buttocks and backs of my thighs colliding with the cold shower wall tiles behind me.
He keeps me pressed up against it as we kiss, my lips parting, his head tilting as his tongue delves up into mine heatedly. I catch myself trembling- not from being out of the aim of the hot shower water or due to coldness, but for another reason altogether. It's his kisses, the fact that his body is completely up against mine, that causes me to tremble and shake uncontrollably. I can't see it possible for any other male to be able to rouse this reaction out of me in the future.
I feel several of his fingers weave and tangle into the wet strands of my hair at the back of my head, then he yanks a little, leaning back with his head, disengaging our mouths. I reopen my eyes instinctively as I lick my lips, my breathing heavy and disjointed as I focus on him, the constant sound of the shower water a forgotten background noise as he holds my gaze. We stare at each other for a moment; Christian seeming just as breathless as I am from our kiss.
When I drop my head back in exhaustion, letting it rest against the cool hard tiles behind me carelessly, eyes still on him, I see his gray eyes focus down on my mouth as I drag my tongue over my lips slowly, moistening them.
As he brings his eyes back up to meet mine, I see his eyes flutter and blink suddenly, as though he's taken aback for some reason or another.
Beneath his stare, his silent scrutiny, I feel tingly and warm. Like a cat stretched out, relaxing beneath the invigorating hot rays of the sun. I definitely can't imagine another man making me feel like he does simply by looking at me either.
"What?" I bring myself to ask self-consciously as he brings up his other hand and begins tracing his thumbnail gently along my wet chin. "What's with the deep and intense look?"
"I'm sorry. I just..." I am rewarded by another chuckle as he narrows his eyes at me thoughtfully. "I am just in such awe of you... of this," he whispers, shaking his head a little as if to demonstrate his awe.
"You are in awe of me?" My voice goes weirdly high with disbelief as I arch my brows at him, a nervous laugh of my own escaping me. His words, they are unexpected. What is there to be in awe about? Anyway, it's incredibly sweet. "Why? Why would you be in awe of me, Christian?"
"I'm not quite sure. All I know is that... I just am." His voice is only just audible over the shower as drags his thumb up my chin, over the lining of my smiling mouth gently. "If anyone had ever told me I would be doing this... that this would even be happening." He shakes his head again, his eyebrows arching as if in surprise. "I never once imagined this happening in reality and yet, here it is. 1 of the greatest yet... flabbergasting moments of my life. "
Christian's words come back to me from our silly 'making out' session on the couch yesterday afternoon and his reluctance to label what is happening between us. I know what I want, and what I want is him. Him, as my boyfriend- even if it may be something childish or unrealistic to ever happen.
I just cannot understand why he didn't feel a label was necessary. It would be nice to know where his feelings lie and what it is exactly that he sees in his own version of a future for us. Does he not like me enough, yet he's happy to sleep with me? To do things with me now like this, even in the shower? To tell me he's in 'such awe' of me, yet apparently, it's not enough for him to actually consider something serious and meaningful with me?
Honestly I think I am even a little insulted by what he said yesterday but he probably doesn't know that. How he implied on the couch that we didn't need a label, that I'll be off at college, like it would make any difference on what I truly want. I sort of felt like he was dismissive of what I was asking, that because I'm young, this is just something frivolous and casual that I am doing with him when I wish for it to be something so much, much more than that.
He even commented about me having boys lining up for a chance to date me at college. Like, I hardly feel that would be the case and even if so, he's over exaggerating. It's like... so what? He thinks I'm the type of girl to fool around with all guys eventually if any do so happen to have interest in me? He thinks I'm that sort of girl even when I know that I'm not?
"You look very deep in thought right now?" Christian comments a moment later through the shower water, bringing me back into the moment.
I blink at him slowly through my lashes, my vision coming back into focus. I find him watching me still, 1 hands fingers still twined carefully in the damp strands of hair at the back of my scalp, his other still in front of me, thumb stroking around my chin and my bottom lip.
"What's on your mind?" he asks, sounding very eager and curious to know. I part my lips after swallowing nervously and he pushes in the tip of his thumb between them, it gliding over my bottom row of teeth. "Where are you right now?"
I catch myself feeling hesitant to bring it up, anxious knots immediately forming in my stomach. Somehow it's so hard to speak about it, to bring the topic of feelings into the light. Is it always usually this hard to speak about your feelings to someone else? Even to someone that, since a couple of weeks ago when this started between us, has been the 1 man I've been most intimate with for the 1st time in my life?
He's made me orgasm. He's seen me naked like I am even right now, in the shower with him, freely exposed with my breasts and private parts down below. He's even... I flush at the memory... He's even tasted me, had his mouth on me right down there. He's done such intimate, wonderful feeling things to me and yet, I cannot even bring myself to ask him how he truly feels about me? Why do I even feel so afraid to suddenly explain to him how he offended me what he implied yesterday on the couch after making out?
"Ana, honey?" His voice becomes tight with concern. "There looks like there is something you want to ask or... tell me? What is it?" Apparently he can read me better than I thought.
I want to ask it so badly and yet... I realize I can't. I'm too afraid to hear what his response will be. I can't bring myself to ask it while he's staring directly at me, so instead, I force my lips to widen into a smile, hoping I seem sincere enough to him. "It... it's nothing," I tell him. "I think I'm just ready to get out of the shower now."
I'm not entirely sure whether Christian believes me or not. He stares at me deeply for a moment longer, lines developing over his forehead as he creases his eyebrows at me. My heart has began pounding furiously inside my chest. That unpleasant knot is still there in my belly. But then finally, at last, he untangles his fingers gently from the strands of my hair, moves back away from me so he isn't touching me anymore, and then he reaches out, shutting off the shower.
I find I can breathe much easier as I hastily step out of the shower, blindly reaching for a clean towel. With my back towards him, I find it's easier to regain my courage to be truthful. "I just... I was just thinking back to what you said yesterday, that's all," I finally murmur, keeping my eyes on anything else but at him.
I hear him step out of the shower himself, his bare feet slapping against the tiles as he moves around me, grabbing a fresh towel of his own. "Which thing did I say in particular, Anastasia?" he asks, sounding nothing else but innocently curious.
Although my eyes are fixed on nothing else but my hands as I start using the towel to bend down, rubbing and patting my legs dry, I still catch him in my peripheral as he uses his own towel to rub and dry his hair with both hands. I don't even need to properly look towards him to know that he is standing completely and utterly naked and exposed while waiting for me to explain my point further.
"I said many things yesterday. You are going to have to be more specific on which thing you are referring to?"
"How you said that you don't think we need a label for this and that... soon I'll be off to college?"
"Well, you will be off to college. And so will Katherine."
"But that isn't exactly my point, Christian." I try to suppress the frustration bubbling up to the surface at his misunderstanding me as I pat beneath my armpits dry hastily. "I mean, you said that... that in college boys will be lining up for me, 1 by 1. As if I even truly care about that or anyone else?"
He says nothing in response, so I am forced to finally look his way to check whether or not he's truly listening and following me or not. Reluctantly, I bring up my eyes to him, looking back at him. Christian stands there, watching me, his eyes narrowed, mouth slightly parted in something resembling a mixture of both confusion and bewilderment as he casually wipes himself dry with the towel. For once his hair is unkempt and messy from how he ruffled it up with the towel to dry it. How good he looks, even standing there naked with ruffled hair, it doesn't exactly help my cause any.
"Anastasia, I'm sorry but I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say? Whatever it is, I can see that you are feeling upset or frustrated with me in some way, I'm just not... sure I understand what it is that I've done." It must be an age thing or something, but he sounds so reasonable and calm, something that oddly only serves to make me feel even more irritated.
"When I asked you that day on The Grace to be my 1st, it wasn't because I simply wanted the experience for the 1st time and to lose my virginity, Christian. I chose you to be the 1 because I... I like you and I feel... deeply attracted to you in ways that I have never felt before for anyone."
I take a deep, unsteady breath as I wrap the towel tightly around my chest, covering myself up securely. It occurs to me that my fingers are shaking as I use them to comb through the dripping wet strands of my long hair carefully.
"I felt almost... insulted by what you said, how you asked whether I'd made out with other boys, how you asked whether I do this to them when you know for a fact that I'd chosen you and you alone to experience this with."
I inhale in another uneven breath as I anxiously lift my eyes up to him again. I find he's standing still exactly where he last was, even with the unkempt hair and the towel bunched up between his hands. His expression seems focused and attentive as he stares at me, blinking slowly. I realize he's truly listening, hearing what I'm telling him as I state how I feel.
"I know that I'm a lot younger than you and I know that you've experienced a lot more lessons in life than I have. I know that you've probably... done and felt more than me, but just because you are older it doesn't make how I feel or what I want any less valid." At the last bit, my voice gives out and cracks in a mortifying way in front of him. I hope I don't start crying in front of him. It would be excruciating if I lose complete control over my emotions right now.
"Then I'm sorry if I upset you," he says slowly after a moment, sounding caught off-guard. "I didn't realize I had. I never realized I made you feel like your feelings or wishes weren't significant." A moment of silence passes between us, then he continues ruefully, "I hadn't meant to make you feel as though I weren't taking you seriously." I'm not expecting him to apologize. I'm not intending to make him feel bad. That isn't what I want or what I even meant by bringing it up at all.
"I'm not looking for an apology, Christian," I murmur impatiently, turning towards the toilet near the shower. I close the lid, then sink down slowly onto it with a sigh, my heart feeling heavy. It's just so hard. So hard to explain. "I just... I wish you knew how I feel."
"Then how do you feel, Anastasia? How am I meant to understand what you are trying to say if you don't come out and directly say it?"
I stare down at my hands as I interlink my fingers together, holding them over my lap against the towel. For the 1st time, Christian actually sounds angry. Although his voice is kept under control and level, I hear a tinge of annoyance seeping through with the words. I have never truly seen or heard him angry before, in all the times I've stayed at Kate's house or have been around him. Shit, now I'm making him mad.
"Just... what do you want from me, Ana?" His helpless voice catches my attention. I spare a quick glance up at him from my hands. He isn't looking at me; He shakes out his towel roughly, then folds it over his waist, tucking it in tightly. Then he brings up a hand to rake it through his still damp hair, exasperation rolling off him in waves. "I don't know what you expect from me? I don't know what you want from me?"
As he glances my way it takes me everything to not glance back down at my hands out of both shame and intimidation due to the raw emotion blazing in his gray eyes, as well as the unconcealed frustration and desperation in his expression. I have never seen him look so stern and irritated before.
"I... I don't want or expect anything from you, Christian," I whisper nervously, swallowing against a hard lump that has formed at the back of my throat thickly. "I just... I want to make it clear to you on how I feel." I can feel moisture building in my eyes as I force myself not to break his gaze.
He must notice it too because suddenly he sighs, his expression softening dramatically. Without a word, he strides forward until he reaches where I am, hunched over the closed toilet seat. Then he drops down to his knees gingerly. I can't help automatically tensing when he does it, kneeling so close to me from where I sit that his bare stomach brushes against my own knees as he shuffles his way in between my legs, crouching close.
I eye him warily, strangely afraid he might unexpectedly lash out and bite as he brings up a hand. He only covers it over the both of mine, his long thumb and forefinger starting a soothing stroking pattern over my wrist as he sighs again heavily.
"While I... I've never felt it in the past or have ever had it happen before, I think I know what I'm feeling." I have to get it out before I lose my nerve. I stare at nothing else but his own larger hand and much longer fingers as they resume stroking my wrist and the back of my hand gently. "And what I feel like I'm feeling is that I'm close to falling completely in love with you."
There, it isn't so hard, getting this off my chest, I suppose. It's nerve-wracking and honestly, I feel like I want to vanish in thin air out of sight and I feel strangely vulnerable, as if I am baring myself naked to him again but in an entirely new way that's from on the inside rather than on the outside in the flesh.
"I was wondering... how you felt about me?" I force myself to get out, not quite brave enough to glance up at his face to see his reaction to my confession just yet. Now it's time for honesty. Now it's time to know hopefully how he feels about me in return as well. "Or is this maybe just a casual thing for you? Like a... a sex thing? Something... fun and" - what's the word? - "frivolous?"
I feel like I am barely even breathing out of sheer dread and nerves for his response when Christian leans down, the back of his head and his hair coming into view by the way he angles it.
I realize when he's doing when I feel his lips touch and tenderly brush against my hands, my heart seizing up. As he slowly leans back on his knees, he lifts his face, his eyes meeting mine. It's impossible to know what he thinks or feels on my confession. It's even all the more impossible to know what he's saying by his actions. So he's kissed my hand. But so what? What does he mean to tell me by doing that to me? Is it a way to soften the blow of his rejection?
"Ana." His voice as he says my name is like a gentle sigh as he pulls back, his eyes meeting mine again. "I enjoy being with you so, so much. The way you make me feel- it's something I never thought or expected I could possibly feel ever again." He smiles a small, spine-tingling smile at his own words, then pauses for a moment, as if searching for the most simplest and right way to explain.
I'm still catching my breath, waiting for the agonizing rejection to begin.
"I never... thought someone could make me feel the way I once did when I met... her at the start." I know immediately who he's referencing to. Her. The ex wife. "You know what I think about when I'm at work or... when I'm alone? The 1st thing that pops up into my head lately these past few weeks?"
I have no idea what he is going to say but the light shining in his eyes, it reassures me somehow.
I shake my head, pressing my lips together tightly. "No. What?" I breathe shyly.
"I think about... you."
I find myself blown away by the warmth in Christian's eyes, the tenderness and sincerity in his voice and in his smile. It's so hard not to beam. I wonder if he can notice the blush that creeps its way across my cheeks, if he notices how probably pathetically happy I am at his words.
"I find myself thinking about you constantly, wondering... what you are doing or just thinking about what we got up to the weekend before, reflecting on everything." He pauses for a second, licking his lips to moisten them, his eyes narrowed in seeming contemplation. "I used to feel like a complete failure and loser, that my life was essentially done and I would never feel happiness ever again."
My heart clenches at his words, at what he is choosing to tell me. I don't understand it at all. "Why would you even begin to think that about yourself? Why would you think you are a failure?"
"I put a lot of or pressure and expectations on myself, especially when it came to my family life and my marriage." Oh. His divorce. "When she left, when I found out she was seeing another man- as you know- it destroyed me. I felt like even more of a complete and utter failure. I couldn't even hold my marriage together, I couldn't even make her happy. She went for another man over me and I hated myself for it, for being so... weak, so pathetic." He shakes his head, lost in reflection. "But then now, I don't feel that way anymore. I can honestly say that, these past few weeks- with you- they hasn't crossed my mind even once, those thoughts."
Pleased by what he's telling me, that he's not being so negative towards himself anymore, I can't help the smile that comes across my mouth.
"Then that's good," I whisper. "You shouldn't feel that way about yourself."
Raising a hand, I reach towards his face, cupping 1 side of his jaw gently with my fingers. I watch as Christian's eyes close briefly at my touch, a small sigh coming through his nose as his jaw muscles twitch against my fingers.
"You make me not feel that way about myself," he murmurs, his eyes still clenched closed. "I never even knew it but... you are exactly what I need. You are exactly what I've been missing this whole entire time." His face tilts and angles into my hand a little more, as though he is reveling in my touch. My heart warms as he slowly reopens his eyes to stare at me. "To answer your question, Anastasia, I feel exactly the same way," he breathes at last as his eyes remain on mine intently.
I almost feel as though I'm hearing him wrong, yet my heart splutters manically inside my chest. "You- you what?" I'm filled with disbelief and uncertainty. What if I've heard him wrong and I'm imagining him saying it back to me? Heaven knows I've wished enough lately for him to say it back, that he reciprocates my own feelings, that he's falling for me as well.
"Yes," he murmurs, licking his lips again. "I think I'm falling in love with you." I can't even contain how jubilant I am at his words. A huge smile comes across my mouth at his words, my relief and joy probably palpable to him. "Well, no," he continues, cocking his head, still letting me pat and stroke around his jaw, "I already know I have. You've been driving me crazy."
The playful yet sensual deep growling noise he makes at the back of his throat at me to imitate how much I am driving him 'crazy' pushes me over the edge and I giggle, unable to hide my glee any longer. I lean forward hastily on my perch on the toilet seat, pressing my lips to his, blinking heavily through strange emotional tears. My heart, my chest, it feels swollen, swollen and achy at his confession.
"Does that set your mind at ease now, Anastasia? Knowing how I feel?"
"It does so much, thank you. Thank you for telling me."
But there are still other things I'm unsure of...
"And what about college though?" I murmur as I move my hand, gliding it through the side of his soft hair, downwards towards the nape of his neck.
I press down with my hand, cupping his nape, keeping my lips against his. My question comes out muffled as I swallow his own breaths into my mouth as he inches back a fraction, a thoughtful hum vibrating through his mouth to mine.
"What about it?" he asks.
"Well, what happens? Will you... see me sometimes? Will you... make time for me?"
"Will you make time for me?" he murmurs back in a low voice, directing my own question back at me. I can barely refrain my laughter at how we are speaking to each other with our lips still pressed together. "Among your busy schedule, your... college work, your new friends as well as settling into a completely new environment, will you have time for me?" He sounds uncertain. Hesitant to ask, even.
"Hmm, let me think that over for a moment." Leaning back with my mouth, I make a face, pretending to think it over contemplatively for a moment while secretly I'm incredulous that he even has to ask. "That's a very difficult question to answer. Will I be able to make time for you once my new hectic college life begins?"
Apparently I am more convincing at acting than I thought, because I see Christian's face deflate slightly bit by bit.
I can't help it; I burst out laughing, spoiling my own playful teasing as I stroke the nape of his neck, scratching and twisting the little hairs at the back of it with my fingernails. "Did you really have to ask? Of course I'll be able to make time for you! Yes!"
Reassured by the realization that I'm just being silly, Christian makes a low, sexy noise in his throat again as he gives me his spine-tingling smile, "Oh, you. Way to almost give me a coronary." My laughter is muffled and cut off when he bends forward, kissing me.
Although this moment feels slightly too good to be true, I let myself think of nothing else, simply focusing on kissing him back, getting lost in my own probably immature, dizzying, love-struck happiness.
Now that I know for sure what this is between us, my mind is definitely at ease, like he asked. I cannot imagine there being anyone else but him and I know college can't change that. I just hope that, eventually and if things do work out all right between us, my best friend and his daughter won't feel utterly shattered and betrayed.
I HOPE THIS ONE ISN'T A HORRIBLE CHAPTER. ESSENTIALLY IT IS MOVING US TO A TIME GAP WHERE THE NEXT STAGE BEGINS- COLLEGE, HARDSHIPS, AND TRYING TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP FROM KATE UNTIL READY TO DIVULGE IT TO HER. LOTS OF DRAMA COMING UP AHEAD, I HOPE YOU STILL HAVE INTEREST IN THE STORY AND THAT THIS CHAPTER WASN'T TOO CHEESY! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND BEING SO SUPPORTIVE.