A/N: Extremely small update :/ Sorry for being super late, but things are extremely busy and hard irl, and I'm just projecting myself on my writing XD
Enjoy the chapter and any comments are welcomed^^; tw: mild descriptions of panic attack.
"Hanging By A Moment."
It starts fairly innocent at first, just the faintest brush of Leo's lips against his cheek. He doesn't even notice it, but Casey does, and the blush has reached his ears by the time the feeling's gone. Or – five times Leo kissed Casey, and one time Casey kissed him back.
I'm livin' for the only thing I know
I'm running here and I'm not quite sure
Where to go?
And down I know I'd like to be in tune
Just hanging by a moment here with you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
There are other days when things aren't so bright, but they darken, creep around them and lurk there – in the stark blackest parts of their souls.
Casey's been through this before – knows the feeling of a wretched throat and swelled up eyes very well, can figure it out clenching in his chest and squirming in his hands.
And Leo is so good – and the good ones, they always seem to break, badly.
Leonardo trembles as he holds him, breathing hard, and Casey tries to stop the buzz, but his ears are ringing in the effort. He's mumbling, words that leave out of his mouth tumbling out, scattered thoughts that don't seem to make sense against the innocence that is Leo's room.
The lamp on his nightstand is bent and crooked – broken, and the light reflects the ugly angles of the bedroom as Leo pants, head shaking and throat closing – "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry."
His sheets are crumpled, Space Heroes poster torn off the door, the remaining in front of Casey's feet, just right there.
His muscles ache when he lifts Leo's shivering body, dragging it on the bed, and flopping right next to it, pressing against him and grasping the proximity like a souvenir in his heart.
Casey doesn't have the words, can't make out the picture, the knots of the ropes that tighten in him, keeping him upright. He wishes, partially, Leo's brothers were here – because they would know what to do.
Leo's still jerking beside him, sharp, irregular breaths and as Casey inhales and exhales slowly, hoping Leo will follow, he's becoming the moment and knows why it's him that's here.
"S'okay," he murmurs when Leo has stopped trembling, listening carefully to the weak sounds that leave his mouth and letting his chest thump with hurt. "You ain't here to prove shit to anyone. There's no one keeping score, no one scoffing at every step, or judging – breathe. You're so strong."
"It's okay not to be okay," he says at last, and when Leo's head turns and he meets the glistening void of his blue eyes, he wonders how emptiness can be so very heavy.
Leo nods, cheeks hollowing. "I'm not okay," he whispers, barely more than a breath.
His voice is hoarse, tone torn and tattered. Naked with so much of everything that Casey's heart throbs like a bruise.
"Tell me what you want."
And the answer is very obvious, glowing mutely just beneath Leo's red-rimmed eyes, as his head tilts to Casey's shoulder, words slow and quiet. "Just s – stay here."
"I promise," he swears, firmly. And he nods, holding his breath as he watches a wave of fat tears rippling his eyes and blurring his vision. Leo tries to wipe them away with fidgeting hands, and before Casey can move away to give him space, Leo's face drops on the crook of his neck.
Casey says nothing, lets Leo empty all the hurt built inside him, leaning against his shoulder and wetting the collar of his shirt. When Leo's tears finally dry, his cheeks taut and his eyes stinging, Casey swallows hard, and wipes his snot away, not once complaining.
It reminds him of the moments he used to soothe his sister's sniffles with pepper kisses and gentle fingers. The protective feeling bubbles inside of him like a balloon and he sighs, in relief and hurt, as Leo leans closer, deep sobs widening in between his nose.
The sound breaks his heart.
His hand moves, bumping on soft blankets, hard mattress and pebbled flesh before brushing Leo's, lacing their fingers together beneath and above everything, warm and low.
He squeezes Leo's large palm, unsure of how it fits with his, and certain that he has no intention of letting go. "You're home," he says softly, and taps his heart with his free hand.
"Casey," Leo huffs, as if that is all he has to say, his voice a warm, breathless rumble against Casey's neck. Leo pushes himself nearer, nuzzling closer and grazing his lips fervently there, and he kisses him, till he falls asleep.
Casey's heart thuds.
Too much, never enough and just right, that Casey's eyelids droop, body loosening in the scalding heat the bed and Leo's sweaty body provide. He allows Leo's sweet, soft snores drown in his ears like a lullaby.
"Casey."
He's aware of beds creaking, floorboards whispering and tries to get himself together – sends waves of affection to his sister. He hates leaving her alone, just as helpless as – but in times like this –
"Casey."
He curls against Leo, his insides collapsing desperately as his heart beats against his throat. It's like he's floating away from all bad places, seems like it.
And it just seems, because he can never run away, truly. Because he is the bad place and that's inescapable. And that feeling perhaps, doesn't change when he's here – it doesn't get forgotten.
But it only gets larger and higher, and visible, just within his sight that the glass barrier among all of it no longer fogs or cracks.
Leo hums in his sleep, lips puffing and brows furrowing – forcibly, silly, but steady. The pain is a weeping, pathetic thing, hammering on his heart, but Casey embraces it, their fingers still tangled together.
He struggles to fathom how Leo is able to be so unfairly cute, struggles to forget the feeling of his lips on his neck, because it is not the right time, not like this – struggles to understand and answer all the why's that circle him when Leo's walls fall, shattering the solid ground, struggles to grasp Leo's struggle – but if there's one thing he knows, is that he doesn't have to, really.
He only needs to here.
He holds Leo, stays there, and understands. For a moment, he's finally not looking for answers anymore – to anything. It's the most peaceful sleep either of them has ever got.
And when Casey needs a shoulder to cry on, Leo's, silently, got one to offer, with eyes that speak – "You're strong, too."
And Casey doesn't know why it makes him sob, and hold and hope, but it does – and this kind of feeling is inescapable, too.