February 28th, 2021 Update: Hey guys! In the off chance you're seeing this, I bet you're wondering where the heck I am and when the update is coming. In short, I'm still working on it and I'm so sorry the very last leg of this story has been so hard to get out. Depression and writers block are not friends to those with deadlines, and I frequently find myself getting distracted and wanting to write other projects because its so dang hard to focus. All that to say, next chapter is in the works and you WILL see an update from me on the 7th of March. Thanks for the love and support and as always, your patience. I didn't want to have to 'take my time' but it seems that's how things are going and I'm working on being okay with that. Till then guys!
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Happy Sunday all yall!
You know, I gotta say it feels nice to have a back-to-back, weekly update. It feels like it's been a while, right? I'm happy to report that I'm in good health, back to work, and for the most part all is well! Not too much to say up top, so I'll keep it simple and let yall get to it!
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"You could have lost it all Levi, you realize that?"
"…I know."
"Your wife, your team, your friends, all of it. In your attempts to go it alone and rely on your own strength – you know better and such mistakes are costly, to you, the Regiment-" Erwin paused and watched the Ackerman pointedly, "How do you expect me to replace Humanity's Strongest, Humanity's Angel, and the Elite Squad, all at the same time? The Regiment needs your skills and the specialized unit you've built, because without it, more will die than ever before and I know you don't want that."
Again Levi nodded, this time actually seated in one of the chairs in Erwin's office, presently hanging his head in misery because Erwin had been at it for a solid hour and showed no signs of slowing down.
It had been a long, agonizing week and they had only returned back to headquarters just earlier that day.
The day of the Expedition, Levi hadn't realized Erwin's initial intent of keeping them separated for days on end, and finding out about it piece by piece had been miserable and off putting. He'd think it over, mentally adjust his approach, and just when he finally felt he was in a better spot and ready to move on from his mistake, it was like there was a rug continuously being pulled out from him inch by inch, where he'd have to catch his balance and readjust his approach all over again.
It was late that night when the elite squad's tasks had finally been completed, and Levi had nervously, almost anxiously approached his tent because he needed to talk to Petra, but even in the moment he wasn't sure what to say. He had been festering in the aftermath of his mistake for the entirety of the expedition, the entire afternoon while they were moving materials and packing them away for travels, his run in with Petra, for as short as it was, had left him considerably flustered because it seemed Erwin wasn't ready to release his hold on her just yet, and while he had been perhaps hoping he'd see her at dinnertime, Levi's own responsibilities had kept him away and he felt like he had missed his chance entirely.
It was nearing midnight now, hours past curfew, and he couldn't even be too certain if she'd even be awake or not. Would he wake her up, or just let her sleep? There's no way she wasn't exhausted – Hanji's team was always put through the wringer after an Expedition – but hell, this was important enough to justify waking her up for a late-night conversation, right?
Levi had entered his tent silently, moving as cautiously as he could in attempts to not wake her needlessly, and while it was hard to see much now that the moonlight had been muted from within the tent, Levi had paused in step because after taking a look around, it became painfully obvious that Petra wasn't even there in the first place.
He felt a weighty, cold knot building in his chest, realizing that it wasn't just Petra herself who wasn't there – no, her things were gone as well, all of them. Her travel bag was gone, her spare uniform that had been hanging up off the ground had been removed, her cot that had been placed next to his, painstakingly set up in such a manner where the material overlapped his own, because Petra had begged him to let her sleep alongside him last night, that was gone as well.
Not sure if it was anger, or outright despair he felt, Levi allowed his head to drop back as he looked upward, clenching his jaw and rubbing his eyes in complete, overwhelming exhaustion.
From outside his tent, there was a sudden tapping on the canvas that caused the zipper to rattle. The sound had caused a sort of alertness to jolt through him, and Levi looked over his shoulder toward the entry way of his tent, "What is it?"
He could see a shadowy outline of someone standing just outside the doorway, the figure much too tall and bulky to be Petra's, and the voice of Gunther could be heard as he shifted across the ground pensively, "Sorry to bother, Captain. Just wanted to say that a few hours ago, I saw Mike leaving your tent with Petra's things. I wasn't sure if it was my place to say anything, but even still, figured you otta know."
Levi pressed his lips together, nodding to no one in particular and he sighed in further aggravation because it was well over twelve hours ago that Erwin had intervened, and even after all that time, apparently the man was still going strong and manipulating her from the shadows. Frustrated, because nothing could even be done about it, Levi cleared his throat and responded simply, "Thanks. You should turn in for the night; we all had a long day and we've got an early start tomorrow."
"You too Captain. Worrying...or getting down on yourself, it won't change a thing so try to sleep it off if you can. Tomorrow will be better, you know?"
"Yeah."
Gunther had walked away from his tent, and Levi had numbly taken off his harness, changed out of his uniform and laid out across his cot with a frustrated, anxious groan.
Fuck, he just needed to talk to Petra.
That was all.
He didn't sleep at all that night.
Come the morning, again Levi had attempted to find Petra, being one of the first people to gather near the mess hall, anxiously waiting for when Petra might eventually trickle in. Hours had gone by, and when Hanji's squad came in and Petra was still nowhere to be found, Levi had all but stormed across the area and moved towards the Scientist with uncontainable frustration.
He grabbed her arm, not overly tight but enough to communicate that he wasn't merely suggesting she join him, and then directed her a few feet away from her squad as he watched her narrowly.
After his frustrated huff and a simple 'Hanji, the hell is she?' the Scientist had placed a hand on his shoulder, giving him a long sigh and shaking her head with a sort of compassionate smile, "You know I vouch for you where I can, but Erwin made me promise not to get involved with this one. Let's just say you won't be bumping into her for the foreseeable future, okay?"
Levi outright groaned at her words, unable to keep a disappointed sigh from leaving his lips as a sinking feeling made his stomach tighten at once. Seeing his obvious distress, Hanji continued softly, "If it's any consolation, Petra's doing alright – she's in good spirits and really making a big difference with the work my team is always bombarded with. Actually, her and Nanaba really hit it off, but I suppose that's to be expected; Petra's always made friends pretty easily. I won't lie, of course she's worried about you but-"
Levi's expression turned dark and he swore bitterly, "Fuck. Erwin's playing dirty as hell…fucking shit, Hanji I just…hell, I just need to see her for like a minute!"
Hanji shook her head and moved behind him, giving him a half sort of hug as she massaged his shoulders lightly, "Sorry Levi, I know you're in a bad spot but I'm outranked. Please don't be mad at me, but this needs to be between you and Erwin; I know a losing game when I see one, and I want no part in this."
Levi gave a disgruntled sort of nod, knowing full well that it wasn't fair to ask Hanji to intercede for him and he eventually clicked his tongue, shrugging out of her light embrace and looking toward her seriously, "Fine just…just make sure she eats, okay? If she gets buried or overwhelmed, she'll forget to eat and-"
The Scientist couldn't help the laugh that erupted from her throat, because seeing Levi worry over Petra like this really was something to see. She crossed her arms and sighed, "Levi, she'll be just fine! If you recall, I worked with her on the daily while she was on leave and so-"
"I'm serious Four-eyes. I've seen it myself enough times to tell you that you'll need to watch out for it. When she's learning the ropes of something new, it's all consuming and she'll forget to eat for days at a time if you leave her to her own devices. Just…don't, okay? And while you're at it, if you could also-"
Hanji chuckled and placed a hand on his head before he could continue to ramble more worried, half-baked commands at her, "Captain. Get back to your team, okay? We'll be back at Headquarters in due time."
He hadn't liked her answer, but she was already walking away and there was nothing more he could do.
That had been the last that Levi had spoken about it or attempted to check up on his wife, and each day had been longer than the last. Of course each moment hadn't been impossible; for the most part he still had daily responsibilities and a team to run as they began working their way back toward headquarters, but his team's constant barrage of 'So how you doing, Captain?' and the whispering behind his back of how much things had changed since they got married, what the squad would look like now that Petra had moved on - hadn't helped in the slightest.
The week had progressed in a never ending, miserable fog and now that he was finally here in Erwin's office for his alleged so called 'meeting', some sadistic part of the Captain found that he was actually impressed because even after mentally lamenting his mistake, all the sleepless nights and the all-consuming guilt he had been crushed under for a consecutive week, even still the Commander found a way to make his guilt reach new heights.
In some ways, it was admittedly an impressive feat.
From in front of him, Erwin continued seriously, "You know that I have immense trust in your judgement and capabilities Levi; as a result I let you drive your team and function in ways I'd never even consider for others, but if you're going to start behaving in such a way where your unchecked methods put your team at risk, you're putting me in a terrible position. You and I both know you're not someone that can be forced to do things by the book, but I can't in good conscience leave you to your own devices when you've proven more than once that your judgement has been compromised."
Levi's expression tightened, a reaction Erwin wouldn't see due to Levi's head still being angled toward the floor, and the Ackerman responded softly, "It won't happen again, Erwin."
The Commander only huffed at Levi's words, "Of course it won't; I would never allow it. The question at hand now is, what to do with Petra in the meantime. A week of traveling is one thing, but her end of year review is still a full month away. I have a very detailed list of material that will keep her busy, but I'm not sure if I can in good conscience force her role to change so drastically, before her review is even official. Now that she's off leave, the other factions might see it as unfair or underhanded and with next year's trade deals in the works, we can't afford to make enemies right now."
At Erwin's explanation, Levi looked up toward the Commander seriously, his expression suddenly firm as he held the blonde's stare, "I want her back on my squad."
Erwin didn't immediately respond to the Captain's demand, but rather continued to hold Levi's stare well past the point of contemplation. Levi sighed as the silence continued to thicken all the more, because the Commander's wordless, unwavering stare down was confirmation that he wasn't comfortable with the suggestion in the slightest.
Levi had been thinking about it all week – what he would do when they got back to headquarters, how angry Erwin would be at him, and of course, what state Petra might be in. Even now, he had no idea what to expect from his wife, so even after he sorted through the situation with Erwin, the battle would only be halfway over because he still had another conversation to have with her yet. How did Petra feel in all of this? Was she angry at him, or at herself or the Commander? Perhaps a mix of all three? What if she wasn't mad at all, but rather deeply hurt by Erwin's actions instead, where she chose to internalize it all? Petra was undeniably proud of her position on the elite squad – hell, their entire marriage was a result of that pride, and Levi wasn't sure how it would impact Petra's wellbeing to be removed from his squad in such a manner where, without her consent, it had been stripped away from her just the same.
It was Levi's own fault and he knew that – in hindsight, he couldn't begrudge Erwin for the choices he had made, but as Petra's previous Captain of nearly six years, he had to at least try and restore his team, where even if Erwin was furious and fought him on it every step of the way, he had to advocate for his subordinates.
Levi took a breath and regarded Erwin seriously, "I know I fucked up, and I get why you're holding her over my head – believe me, it's all I've been able to think about for days on end – but the only reason it's working on me, is because it's hurting Petra and I feel like shit because it's not her fault. I just…Erwin, if you're going to discipline me or punish me that's fine, but taking Petra off the squad damages more than just me. Of course it impacts me, which again is understandable, but it also impacts the guys, who had nothing to do with it, and to state the fucking obvious, it hurts Petra most of all and she didn't even do anything."
Erwin continued to hold his stare and Levi almost sighed, because Erwin's expression was just as cold as ever, and Levi couldn't be too sure if his words even mattered at this point. Erwin was not one to be 'reasoned' with – reality was that Erwin likely already had his mind made up regarding how this conversation would go, and perhaps it was just a lost cause to try and sway his course of action.
Even still.
"I can't walk out of here without at least trying to intercede for Petra, and hell, even the guys too. This isn't about me right now; it's about my squad. Petra worked hard, she's done everything you could have asked her to do and more, and the reality is that she deserves to leave my squad when she chooses to. Furthermore, my men deserve the chance to give her a proper goodbye, because they have all bled and worked hard to protect each other for the better half of a decade now and you taking that moment away just to prove a fucking point is low, even for you."
Erwin's glare on him hardened in warning, and Levi sighed desperately at Erwin's silent admonishment, "Look, we both know Petra's time on my squad is coming to an end sooner rather than later, and so to forcibly remove her now as a way to get my attention does more harm than good. I know you probably think that she'll be fine, or that she'll just roll back the way she always does but I'm telling you Erwin, this isn't one of those things and-"
"You're right, Captain."
Erwin's simple acknowledgement had cut him off outright, and Levi was admittedly surprised, having to clear his throat because he hadn't expected Erwin to agree with him at all, let alone so readily.
The blonde seemed to think his words over for a long moment, and he eventually sat back further into his chair in a more relaxed, casual manner as he gave a contemplative sigh, "But Petra does need to be off your squad. As you're no doubt aware, I've been spending much of my time this last week figuring out exactly how I want to handle the Elite Squad, yourself, and Petra as well, because the balance has shifted in such a way where we can't turn a blind eye to it any longer. The two of you are married, in every sense of its connotation now, and naturally that's causing some complications on your squad that aren't entirely your fault."
Erwin rubbed his forehead in exhaustion, "Even knowing this, I still can't disagree with the fact that the best place for her, regarding the immediacy of mundane, day-to-day reporting is back under your command. We won't have another expedition for three months so your previous lapse in judgement can't be replicated in that sense, and in terms of training and day to day material, her present role and contract will be best fulfilled under your watch so the other factions should be satisfied."
Erwin momentarily paused and looked across his desk towards Levi seriously, "I presume you wouldn't disagree with that assessment?"
Levi had wanted to respond casually, but the words came flying out of his mouth far too quickly, and he mentally grimaced at the audible desperation in his tone, "No sir, that's fine. That's what I want, yes."
The blonde didn't seem offended nor overly amused by Levi's clear eagerness and he continued just the same, "However." Erwin stood up from his chair, moving towards the closed door of his office as he spoke, "Things are going to change, Captain."
He had paused near the door then, looking back toward Levi seriously as he continued, "In terms of a punishment or retaliation from your absolutely irresponsible lapse of judgement, tell me Levi, how in the world am I even supposed to punish you? Cleaning is a guilty pleasure of yours, so that's not going to work. I suppose I could always assign you a number of hours where you train the newer squads – it would benefit them immensely, and you have a special hatred for working with squads where their skills are underwhelming at best-" Levi mentally grimaced at Erwin's words, and the Commander gave a long sigh, "But that's not exactly practical either, because you'd only fall behind in your paperwork and with the reviews only a month away, it would be foolish on my part to knowingly put you in such a position."
Erwin's expression turned expectant and he nodded toward Levi seriously, "Instead, I'm going to take a different approach altogether. I've actually been thinking about this for some time now, and I feel we would be wise to place a little bit more pressure on your wife. Now that the Expedition is out of the way, the next big hurdle is her upcoming position in the military and I want to ensure she is properly prepared and ready to take that next step. In many ways, she'll need your intervention to help keep her focused and I expect you to play your part to the fullest, Captain."
Without further explanation as to what any of that even meant, Erwin opened the door and called out, "Mrs. Ackerman, a word please?"
Levi had blinked, and from a distance down the hallway, there was a slight squeak and Petra's voice could be heard, "Wait, me? I uh, how did you…? Look, I wasn't listening in I swear!"
Her hurried footsteps could be heard, and she was explaining herself further in obvious nervousness, "I know this is a private conversation so I wasn't so close that I heard anything, it's just you said that once you were done talking with Captain that I'd be able to see him again. I was going to wait in his office, but then I didn't know how long it would take so I thought I would just be around the area - it's been a whole week now and he's always so hard on himself so I was really worried for him and-"
From inside the room, regardless the fact he had been getting his ass chewed out for well over an hour now, even still Levi found himself smirking, shaking his head in amusement at Petra's antics, because he really should have known that during the entire week, her first and only thought would be his own wellbeing. He should have known that she'd be a mere hallway away, just waiting for him to be free.
Fuck, that was just…so Petra.
Erwin moved back into the room, an amused smile on his own lips as he gave Levi a silent, knowing look, and a few moments later Petra came into the room, a nervous expression on her face because she wasn't entirely convinced that she wasn't in trouble.
Erwin took a seat back behind his desk, and motioned toward the open chair next to Levi, "Take a seat, Petra."
The ginger gave a shallow nod, looking toward Erwin, then at Levi, her green orbs wide with uncertainty as she slowly sat into the wooden chair and waited for further instruction. Once a silence blanketed the room and no one moved to make the first statement, eventually Petra sighed, unable to handle the silence as her nerves continued to make her worry increase.
"Okay, so uh…what happens now? Is everything okay?"
Erwin seemed to take a breath of preparation and eventually, he returned her gaze seriously, "It's been a week now since the events that took place during the Expedition, and I've had a rather lengthy discussion with Captain Levi regarding the outcomes of his judgement, my expectations of his performance, and what he stands to lose should he behave so recklessly in the future."
Petra's worried expression seemed to darken in frustration, and Erwin held up a hand, looking not at Petra, but rather his own subordinate with an intentional nod, "It's time we put it behind us, because what's done is done. We need to focus on moving forward, and so in light of that-" Erwin looked back toward Petra and he continued, "I'm putting you back on Levi's squad, effective immediately."
The news had caused Petra to blink in surprise, a large grin coming to her face at the Commander's words,
"Erwin, really? You mean it? That's wonderful – thank you so much!"
Levi couldn't deny the overwhelming relief he felt in that moment, because maybe some part of him couldn't help but fear that after a mistake like his, where he had truly jeopardized Petra's safety to an extent that she had been hurled to the ground, with blades in hand no less, perhaps she wouldn't even want him as her Captain any longer.
Erwin nodded at Petra's clear excitement and folded his hands across the top of his desk, "I'm glad to see that you approve; thought you wouldn't complain about such an arrangement. I called you in here because I want to discuss with both of you, what that is going to look like over these next few weeks before your review takes place, Mrs. Ackerman. I should warn you now that this review is not going to look like anything you have experienced before. While in the past it was more of a sit-down conversation with your Captain where he reviewed numbers, strengths and weaknesses, a plan for future development as well as any resulting compensation, this year will be a far cry from that. I do believe that conversation with your Captain is still going to happen-"
Levi nodded to confirm his words, and Erwin continued, "But in terms of a future development plan or resulting compensation, not to steal the Captain's thunder, but I think we are all well aware that you are due to be promoted into the role of a Commanding Officer. While this shouldn't necessarily come as a surprise either, I may as well formally confirm that both the Garrison and Military Police have reached out to me, where they have requested time to review their respective job offers with you. I think the easiest way of doing this is to make a day of it, where myself, Hanji and Levi, as well as these representatives sit down and discuss the possibilities with you, where at the end of that day you will be expected to choose your future career path."
Petra's expression grew more serious at Erwin's explanation and she gave a slow, contemplative nod, "And just for the record, say I don't like the offers and I'd rather do nothing and stay exactly where I am now – what then?"
Erwin's expression tightened, and he gave a nod toward the Captain, "Then Levi and I would need to have some further discussions regarding how that might look in the future, considering what took place in the Expedition, however we will cross that bridge only if the time comes."
She nodded in understanding, and Erwin looked back toward Levi, "Petra is already aware of this, but I've cleared your schedule for the next few days where Eld will be leading the training material in your stead, and in addition, I've granted the flexibility for Petra to share this time with you. It's not so much time off, but rather a mandatory reset where I expect you to seriously reflect on how you want to lead your team going forward, as well as the consequences of such selfishness, should you ever choose to repeat your mistakes in the future."
Levi couldn't deny his surprise at Erwin's choice to force him to take time away from his squad, but rather than giving him time to reflect on it, Erwin cleared his throat and continued, "Now come Monday, your team will fully resume its traditional training, yourself and Petra included. This is where things get a little more personal and frankly Petra, these changes are targeted toward you specifically. For almost this entire year, you have gotten into the habit of working on the data side of things with your Captain to keep his reports and files updated, however, regardless the fact you are incredibly gifted in this field, I'd like to remind you that that is not what you are contracted to do. Considering you seem rather uncertain of what you want your career to look like, I'm going to help make that distinction a little more obvious for you."
Petra watched him in clear concern, and Erwin gave a sort of tilt with his head, "Presently, you are on Captain Levi's squad where you train for a majority of the day, and then have the night hours to yourself as a sort of privileged free time when you don't have other regular duties assigned to yourself. Come Monday - and I expect your support on this Levi – you are not to involve yourself with any of your Captain's office work from this point on."
While Petra didn't immediately appear frustrated or offended by his words, it was obvious that she didn't understand the Commander's angle and Erwin repeated himself purposefully, "I don't want you filling out any of the forms, I don't want you tracking any numbers even if it's for your own personal interests – such things are not relevant to the elite squad and shouldn't be made readily available to Scouts in your position."
Petra raised a hand and spoke softly, "Just to clarify sir, I uh, well, its just that Hanji was working with me all last week. Since then, there are duties that have been assigned to me and-"
"I'll speak with Hanji and have those tasks reassigned."
Petra's expression fell at once and Erwin tried to grab her gaze, "Again Mrs. Ackerman, you're not in trouble at all, and I hope you don't feel this is an attempt to discipline you because that's not what I'm after here. I need you to understand there is a difference in the career paths you're balancing between. If you are truly wanting to remain under Levi's command going forward, then such things like the research and cause and effect pivot tables are of no use to you, where you'd be better off putting all your energy into training alone. Though it won't be the simplest path to take considering how your relationship has evolved this year, we can figure out a balance that will ensure you can safely work together in such a setting."
Petra gave a simple, hesitant nod and Erwin smiled at the obvious dislike in her expression, because it was clear that she wasn't on board with the idea of her research being taken away at such a critical time, and the Commander continued, "However. If you find that this role isn't enough for you anymore, or that you're getting bored with the lack of responsibilities assigned to you – if you ever feel like you are ready to officially change your career path into something more geared towards what you've been doing recently, then that changes things. If you reach that point, I'd like you to find me at once so we can single our efforts down that path instead. You are welcome to choose whichever path you'd like and I'll support your decision either way, but remaining in a sea of greys where you dabble in both simultaneously is not a practical option and I can't in good conscience allow it to continue now that you've returned from leave."
Erwin took a breath and he looked between the pair seated in front of him, "Is that a tangible path going forward, where you both understand what is expected of you? In summation, Captain – keep focused and learn from your mistakes. On Monday it's back to the grind where you have a team to lead, same as always. Petra, in a month's time you have your year end review and you need to do some serious self-reflection because the theoretical stage is officially behind us. You can stay on Levi's squad, or you can move to a new role entirely; either way, you need to be prepared to clearly state what you want and be ready to defend your decision. I know this entire circumstance from the Expedition wasn't what any of us were expecting, but none the less, I still vouch for Captain Levi's experience and want to remind you that he's a wellspring of knowledge that you should make use of. Naturally, you are also welcome here anytime if you want to run your thoughts by me or ask questions about what future roles might entail, what Hanji's day looks like, what her subordinate's schedules look like, how the different factions handle their business differently than we do – you've got a lot to consider so pool your resources as needed."
Both Petra and Levi gave respective nods, and Erwin's smile warmed at the way the pair was somewhat becoming antsy, because it was obvious that the conversation was wrapping up, and Erwin knew that he would have a hard time keeping either of their attentions for much longer. Petra was presently looking into the floor, biting her lower lip nervously as a sort of anticipation could almost tangibly be felt in the air, and while Levi's expression was stoic and not as blatantly obvious as his fidgeting counterpart, even still, the way his foot was persistently tapping on the floor was a bit of a tell, and Erwin almost smirked at their amusing behavior.
"That's all I have." He summarized simply, "Captain, Petra – do either of you have any questions or something you need from me?"
"No, sir."
"I'm all set Erwin, thanks."
"Very well. Both of you are dismissed then, we'll see you on Monday."
Petra stood up first, followed by Levi, who trailed behind her step for step as they walked out of the office, then a few feet down the hall in complete silence, well aware that with them being so close to the Commander, their conversation would be overheard and it seemed that neither of them wanted to have Erwin listening in on their words, intentional or otherwise.
As they moved down a few more hallways in perfect silence, eventually it was Levi who sighed, pausing in place and grabbing Petra's wrist.
"Petra hey, listen I just-"
Petra had turned back towards him, instantly winding her arms around his back and already pressing her lips against his passionately, and Levi seemed to stiffen in surprise and initial rejection. While he was technically returning her kiss, it was gentle and reserved, as though trying not to hurt her feelings by truly rejecting her outright, and in the next moment she felt him grab her hips and try to gently push her away. This action spoke to her, spoke of the guilt and the misery he had been put through after Erwin's intentionally keeping them apart for a week straight, and Petra had taken a step even closer and buried her head into his shoulder as she defiantly held onto him all the more.
Levi had sighed at his wife's stubbornness, because yes he wanted to touch her and hold her and feel her against him, but hell, he needed to talk to her first. He needed to apologize, and to let her know that he had messed up and that he would never, never put her in a position like that again and-
"I've been so worried about you, Captain."
Petra's simple confession, a light whisper of words spoken into the skin of his neck, had derailed his thoughts entirely, and with a resigned sigh, Levi wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly for some time. He eventually grabbed her shoulders and tried to press her back so he could at least look at her directly, but again her grip tightened around him and he gave a long, deep sigh of resignation.
Fuck, she was so damn stubborn.
He brought a hand around the back of her head, allowing his fingers to gently trace through her hair and he spoke softly, "Petra, I'm trying to be serious. Of course I'm happy to see you but I know I fucked up out there where you can't just bury this like it never happened. I'm really sorry, and-"
"And that's what matters. That's enough, Levi." Petra chose then to lean back ever so slightly, and she gave him a serious, long stare, "I know it's important for you to feel heard – I'm not trying to invalidate you or interrupt you but it's just… I was just really worried about what Erwin might say, or if he'd only make you feel even worse when it's already been such a long week. I know you're strong, and I know something like this isn't anything you can't handle, but even still you're always such a harsh critic and I didn't want you to dwell on what could have happened, because it didn't, and now you know better, so you wouldn't repeat the same mistakes twice. I just don't see the need to linger on this anymore than we had to already."
Levi had opened his mouth just slightly, and before he could even take a breath, Petra looked at his expression and continued in a sudden outpouring of words.
"But that's not to say it doesn't matter. I'm not just writing you a free pass or trying to pretend that it didn't happen because that would be irresponsible of me, I guess. Right? It did happen, and it really scared me and I was really afraid that I'd have to leave the squad for good in such an awful, horrible way. You said that Oluo was hurt in the aftermath, and honestly we should just count our blessings that it wasn't anything more serious than a rolled ankle. I know you messed up Levi, and I uh, you know, I don't condone it and want you to know that it really made me mad. Because it did. So if you need to hear that I'm mad, then there you have it. I really was mad."
At Levi's suddenly flustered, almost confused expression, Petra's eyes widened and she coughed, "Wait no, I mean, I was of course, but not anymore. Now I'm just happy that things are back to normal. Not that I'm happy you got in trouble or anything, because that wouldn't be appropriate! That would be pretty sadistic I guess, so maybe that's not right either. I meant happy because I'm still on the squad and-"
From in front of her, there was a small shake to Levi's shoulders, and Petra paused because the sound was soft at first, but she immediately recognized the low, melodic tones of Levi's laughter, which only grew with more fervor as a result of Petra's previous sort of speech that had trailed off in a rather unsuccessful, senseless manner.
"The hell are you even saying, Petra? Do you even know anymore?"
The ginger couldn't help but blush at the warmth of his laughter – a sound that was very rarely heard from her Captain – and she gave a slow, distracted shake of her head, "No I…I don't think I do."
Her blushed deepened at the intensity of his stare and she mumbled softly, "I'm sorry Captain – I know I talk too much, but I just really was worried about you, all week. I was honestly fine the whole time – of course the Expedition itself truly made me furious, and I know you're aware of that, but after that I was put to work and it was honestly some really cool stuff that I got to do. I was engaged with a new team, and I fit in really well, and of course I missed you and the guys, but it was okay. That's why I was so worried for you though, because I knew you'd let your guilt eat you alive, I knew you'd wonder constantly how I was feeling or if I had blamed myself, and I knew that between the two of us, you'd be hurting the most."
She gave him a sympathetic look and ran her hand over the side of his face gently, "If you want to talk, I'll listen, to whatever you have to say and for however long it takes you to say it – but just…one more thing, if that's okay?"
Levi quirked an eyebrow and Petra took a nervous breath at his wordless permission, "It's just…even though it was only for a week, even still, I was on a team where for the first time in a long time, I didn't have Humanity's Strongest looking out for me. I'm not sure why I'm surprised, but honestly, I did just fine. I hope this doesn't sound too arrogant, but I really have been working this year to be more independent and recognize the strengths that I do have, because I don't want to have to rely on you or trouble you all the time. It seems surreal but…I'm actually getting there Captain, one step at a time, and so in the future if we're ever apart like that again – just know that I'm okay. I'll miss you terribly, I don't think that will ever change but…I'm strong, like you. I don't need you, but I want you. Is that…okay to say?"
Levi was stunned into silence for a long time, almost tongue tied because for years, for years he had pondered what it would take for Petra to see herself in the same light as others, to own her own strengths and feel confident in the skillful, disciplined woman that she was. To hear Petra like this, to see her watch him with a blossoming sense of confidence that he hadn't seen in her before, it seemed that some of those pieces had finally clicked into place and he gave an amazed shake of his head.
"You've done well, Petra."
He was drawing light circles over the side of her cheek with his thumb, and he leaned in toward her just slightly, giving her a gentle, soft, but hesitant kiss. Petra had sighed in contentment, pressing her lips against his more fully, and Levi pulled back at her advance, still unwilling to fully indulge in her touch because he simply didn't feel deserving of her in such a way, and he nodded down the hall, "Come on, I do want to talk about it because there's things that need to be said but…maybe not out here, okay?"
Petra had given a nod, knowing internally that Levi's guarded reactions had nothing to do with her, and she tried to not let the disappointment show on her face, regardless the fact that his distanced reactions admittedly pained her. She gave him a cautious smile as a thought came to mind, "Hey Captain, I know we were kinda kicked off the clock for a few days. You want to maybe…get out of here for a bit?"
As they moved down the hall, Levi watched her warily and Petra shrugged at his weighty stare, "It's just what else are we supposed to do with the time? Not like you can do your paperwork or lead training, and if Erwin is reassigning my work back onto the Hanji squad, there's nothing really left to fill my time either. I mean hell, I doubt either one of us are unpacked from the Expedition just yet, right? All we'd really need to do is grab a change of civilian clothes and head out. What do you say?"
Levi thought her suggestion over and eventually nodded in exhaustion, "Yeah. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. And…that's what you want? After the Expedition and all – I mean, I get it if you'd rather spend your time with the guys or, what, Hanji said you and Nanaba are friends now or whatever? It's just…if you're still mad at me and want some space for a while-"
Petra had given a soft chuckle at the flustered expression across Levi's face and she grabbed his hand with an anxious tug, "Captain, listen - I want to spend my time with you. And hell, if you still feel the need to express your all-consuming guilt, then after your speech about how horrible of a person you are for being a human that makes mistakes, how about you make it up to me by buying me snacks!"
Levi's expression suddenly fell flat and he watched her pointedly in disbelief, "Petra, you shitting me? I get that you want to move on, but you could have fucking died, and you want to settle the score between us with…with snacks? You mean…like junk food and shit?"
The smaller Ackerman paused in place and gave him a serious nod, "I do, and don't you judge me for it either. I'm a simple woman with simple needs, and I've been craving chocolate for like a month now - which is kind of your fault anyway, because back at the hotel I had chocolate cake like every day and then we left and I was cutoff overnight; I think I'm going through withdrawals or something. If you must punish yourself or stretch this thing out even longer, then I may as well capitalize on the opportunity and manipulate you outright to meet my own selfish demands. One would think you'd be proud of me; I'm getting more self-centered by the minute! It's kind of a breakthrough for me, wouldn't you say?"
Levi gave a sort of noncommittal grunt, because regardless her words, he knew full well she was being anything but selfish. No, he had wronged her, had devalued her strength and her accomplishments, had reinforced so many of the negative views she already struggled with – and even still, she was intentionally giving him an easy out; looking for ways that his guilt would be satiated, and he knew full well that her suggestion had little to do with her sweet tooth.
Deciding nothing could be done about it because Petra had made up her mind and simply wouldn't allow him to dwell on it any longer, he gave a disgruntled sigh, placing a hand on her head and mussing her hair softly, "Alright, fine Petra. If that's the terms of your deal, then I accept."
Petra couldn't help but smile at his reaction, because even if the changes were subtle, the Captain was starting to unwind, gradually coming to terms with the fact that she wasn't holding it over his head or trying to guilt him further after what truly had been a miserable, agonizing week.
Watching him with a sudden smugness, Petra lifted her chin proudly as she began to fix her hair, "You know, I've suddenly decided that I'm still angry, very angry in fact, so fair warning, but my forgiveness won't be cheap either."
To her side, Levi was smirking in amusement at her cheeky declaration, and he wordlessly grabbed Petra's hand, intertwining his fingers with hers as they moved down the hall, hand in hand.
...
End of Chapter
...
Would you guys believe it, we're only a very, very few number of chapters away from wrapping it up, officially! I don't have it all consecutively written out, but I'm giving an honest guess that we're looking at four or five chapters and then this story will truly, truly be completed?
I'm so excited!
Either way, thanks again and I'll see you at the next update.