This Harry Potter story was written for fun. All rights belong to the wonderful lady (JK Rowling) who gave the world Harry Potter to read and enjoy.
The sorting hat is a thousand year old artefact of great power. Professor Dumbledore learns that when you mess with 'the Hat', too much information can be revealed during the sorting. And hopefully, some entertainment!
Chapter 15 The SortingHarry whispered with Neville and Justin as they walked into the Great Hall as a pack of firsties behind the tall figure of Minerva McGonagall with Professor Flitwick following behind to make certain they were all inside with the doors safely closed.
"This is taking too long," complained Draco Malfoy though only a couple large boys and one girl seemed to pay attention to him.
Harry was too busy taking in the beautiful room with an enchanted ceiling, floating candles, and stained-glass windows to worry about the passage of time. He noticed the four tables with different groups of children seated at them in the school robes with the different house colours and emblems on them.
"Blimey, this place is gorgeous!" Justin told the other two. Neville and Harry nodded in agreement, almost overwhelmed with the Great Hall's decoration and the use of magical charms in the ceiling.
Harry grinned as he looked around, his eyes finally settling on the staff table. There were friendly faces there as well as one piercing stare from an old man with a long beard and strangely decorated robes; suddenly the wizard looked away as if something caused him pain. Harry noticed this occurred as the egg on his necklace heated up.
Beside the old man, another wizard dressed in black, with slick black hair, sneered and stared at Harry but he too looked away, hiding his eyes as if the light suddenly hurt his eyes. Again, the egg on his necklace heated up. Harry had recognized Professor Sprout but the other men and women were strangers for now.
"Now, at Hogwarts, each student sits on this stool and I place the Sorting Hat…" McGonagall began to tell the firsties but halted when she noticed the hat was different. This hat felt different but suddenly the animated face appeared so McGonagall sat it back on the stool as the hat's mouth opened and it began to sing.
Try as he might, Harry couldn't understand a word of the song though the tune sounded familiar from muggle radio. He glanced at the others; Neville, Justin, Hermione, the Patil twins, Malfoy – everyone looked lost.
"Headmaster, what is this?" demanded McGonagall when the song ended.
From the stool, the old hat spoke up – loudly, "Ah, come on, didn't you enjoy something different than the same old tripe about cooperation and brotherhood… As if that would ever happen with the British wizards!"
"Professor McGonagall, if you'll begin the sorting," commanded Dumbledore but the Deputy Headmistress, frowned and turned to the staff table.
"What did you do to the Sorting Hat?" she demanded to know with her wand in her hand.
Before the headmaster could respond, there was a burst of flame in the rafters of the Great Hall and the fiery ball quickly transformed into a large phoenix and in the bird's claws, was another hat that looked like the first one that sung the strange song. As the great bird swept around the room, singing a cheerful song, Hedwig took flight from Harry' shoulder and grabbed the old hat on the stool beside McGonagall.
"Help," screamed the hat as Hedwig rose into the rafters of the Great Hall. "The owl's gonna eat me! She'll use me for a nest! I'm too young to have baby owls!"
Ignoring the hat's complaints, the owl flew up as the phoenix swooped down and deposited the proper Sorting Hat into McGonagall's hands.
"Thank you, Fawkes," the professor said as she held up the hat for Dumbledore to see.
All the while, Harry kept his eyes on Hedwig who swooped toward the phoenix before she slung the first hat into the air where the phoenix caught it and flew toward the staff table.
"I didn't get to practice that hand off! I want my union rep! Momma! Get me outta here!" screamed the hat that the phoenix carried toward the staff table.
Across the four tables of students and gathering of firsties, there were many laughing faces while others looked shocked at the aerial show and the hat's screams.
Everyone in the room saw the phoenix fly above Dumbledore and first drop a glop of something from under her tail feathers onto the headmaster's head, and then drop the hat. Once the hat landed on the headmaster's head, it was stuck there. The old wizard pulled and pulled but nothing would remove the hat from his head.
*(+++++)*
While Fawkes settled on the back of the Headmaster's grand chair, the Sorting Hat sat on the stool and bowed left and right, "Thank you. Thank you. I do hope you enjoyed the opening act for tonight's sorting."
"Of course, they enjoyed it!" shouted the hat upon Dumbledore's head. Despite the headmaster's determined efforts, nothing could loosen the hat or compel it to silence.
"I was the one singing this year!" that hat declared. "You're out of tune, out of time…"
"The Swedish version of 'Waterloo' is hardly an improvement on my singing," observed the Sorting Hat.
"I sang in Swedish?" asked the strange hat. "Swedish? Are you certain?"
"Yes!" replied the Sorting Hat from the stool across the Great Hall as children and adults swivelled their heads between the two hats and their conversation.
The fake hat stuck to the headmaster's head chided the old wizard with a tone of disappointment in his voice that many of the adults recognized; the headmaster used the same tone of voice on everyone when they didn't follow his instructions. "Dumbledore, you were supposed to channel the English version of Abba's Greatest Hits! My boy, I have to know I can depend on you."
Remus snickered remembering Dumbledore using those same words in different letters over the years. There were giggles and laughter erupting across the Great Hall as the hat perched on Dumbledore's head began to sing the Swedish version of Waterloo again.
"Enough!" Dumbledore shouted, standing now and trying to regain control of the ceremony.
"Alright, alright," the hat said to mollify the anger headmaster. "No more Abba… How about one of your favourite tunes from your youth, Albus?"
Again, everyone turned toward the headmaster's chair and listened as the hat began a stirring rendition of a German song, with a full symphony orchestra playing in the background. The headmaster's eyes grew wide as did many muggleborn students who knew modern culture, and the staff members who remembered the wars fought with Germany earlier in the century.
"That's Deutschland über Alles," Hermione told the other firsties. "It is the national anthem of Germany."
Without waiting for the strange hat to finish his song, the Sorting Hat interrupted the music saying, "I'd like to thank my earlier stand-in for his role in the entertainments. He is to be known as the 'False Chapeau'. Let's give him a round of applause for his fine singing voice and Dumbledore's song selection."
The students and staff did applaud somewhat and the hat on Dumbledore's head shouted out, "And the entertainment ain't over 'til the fat lady sings Carmen!"
"This is weird," Harry confessed to Neville and Justin. "Why are they singing Swedish and German songs? And who is Carmen?"
Neville agreed with Harry while Justin grinned. "I don't think the older students know either. They are just as confused as we are."
He pointed to several older students at the Ravenclaw table who were furiously scribbling notes whenever either of the hats spoke.
"Now, I shall conduct the sorting of each new students here at Hogwarts without any interruption from the headmaster," the Sorting Hat announced.
"But I will be adding colour commentary!" declared the False Chapeau.
"No, you will be silent!" announced Dumbledore who pointed his wand at his own head, cast a spell but then his spell reflected down from the hat into his own face, the headmaster fell back into the chair to sleep through the sorting.
"Good critics are so hard to find," the False Chapeau announced. "Carry on, carry on."
McGonagall struggled for a moment to keep from laughing aloud but thus far, she enjoyed the 'entertainment' this evening. She lifted the Sorting Hat from the stool, referenced the scroll in her hand other hand and announced the first name of the night, "Hannah Abbot!"
As soon as the Sorting Hat landed on the girl's head, the False Chapeau shouted out, "You can be more than just some wizard's arm candy, Miss Abbot!"
"Better be Hufflepuff!" announced the Sorting Hat.
Shocked by the first comment for a moment, Hannah stumbled over to the Hufflepuff table.
"Susan Bones," called McGonagall and the smiling strawberry blond hurried to the stool.
Again, the False Chapeau shouted out first, "Dark Lady in training! Beware all of Britain!"
"Better be Hufflepuff!"
Susan Bones sat frozen on the stool after hearing the words of the False Chapeau. A Hufflepuff, Dora Tonks hurried over from the table to lead the girl to a place beside her friend Hannah Abbot and attempt to reassure the girl that everything would be well.
At the staff table, Pomona Sprout threw down her napkin, drew her wand, and turned on the False Chapeau.
"How dare you tell a child…"
The hat argued with the head of Hufflepuff between sorting announcements, "I told YOU. You will be her head of house for seven years. Fix it!"
"Her aunt doesn't know how to give the child the attention and love she needs. You have an abundance of both. Go do your job! Now be quiet, this is another good one!" the artefact snorted.
McGonagall called for Lavender Brown and the young blonde smiled as she sat on the stool. The False Chapeau announced loud and clear, "Fashion Queen!"
"Better be Gryffindor!" declared the Sorting Hat as the girl hurried to the table with the other Lions, not distressed to be called a 'fashion queen'.
"Millicent Bulstrode."
Now the False Chapeau announced in a clear voice without humour or twists, "True!"
The Sorting Hat shouted out, "Better be Slytherin!"
"Michael Corner."
"He's got a big brain!" shouted the hat glued to Dumbledore's head.
"Better be Ravenclaw!"
"Vincent Crabbe."
"Thug! Nothing but a thug!" shouted the False Chapeau and the students froze in place to hear such a declaration.
"Better be Slytherin!"
"Tracy Davis," McGonagall announced to prod the boy into leaving the hat and moving to the Slytherin table.
"True!"
"She's Slytherin!" shouted the Sorting Hat. Minerva glanced about her, the tables were very quiet, the children's heads turning back and forth between the stool and the pronouncements from that hat on the sleeping headmaster's head. She took a deep breath and continued, "Justin Finch-Fletchley."
"True!"
"Better be Hufflepuff!" announced the Sorting Hat.
The next two were nothing outrageous with one for Gryffindor and another for Ravenclaw. Then McGonagall called the name 'Gregory Goyle', and False Chapeau once again yelled out 'Thug', while the Sorting Hat sent the boy to Slytherin.
Then the list came to Hermione Granger and Minerva moved carefully with the hat in her hand. Rather than sit on the stool and allow the Deputy Headmistress to place the hat on her head, Hermione held out her hand for the hat.
Minerva inclined her head slightly and handed the hat to the girl. Hermione examined the hat for a moment before placing it on her own head.
The False Chapeau whistled and shouted, "Genius! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
"Better be Ravenclaw!" announced the Sorting Hat with a note of happiness and joy in his voice.
Handing the hat back to the Deputy Headmistress, Hermione dipped her head respectfully and then headed toward the table with the Ravens. At the head table, Flitwick was already sorting through his mind for appropriate class materials to give the girl and ways to guide her forward.
"Daphne Greengrass," announced McGonagall with more confidence in her voice.
"True!" announced the False Chapeau.
"Better be Slytherin!"
Several more firsties were sorted and then McGonagall called out the name 'Neville Longbottom'. With a pat on his shoulder from Harry, Neville walked over to the stool and also took the hat from McGonagall to place on his own head.
"Excellent! True!" shouted the False Chapeau.
"Better be Hufflepuff!" announced the Sorting Hat as Neville handed the hat to McGonagall and the walked to his new house's table with a smile on his face.
Another Ravenclaw and yet another Hufflepuff followed Neville. Then McGonagall called for Draco Malfoy.
The blond boy swaggered up to the stool and held out his hand for the hat that began immediately whispered so that only the boy and the Deputy Headmistress could hear, "No. Sit and Professor McGonagall will place me on your head. Touch me and I'll suck every…"
Sit!" McGonagall hissed as she pretended to brush lint off the hat. Once the angry boy was seated, she placed the hat on his head. The response from the False Chapeau was instantaneous.
"Thug!" shouted the False Chapeau.
"Better be Slytherin!" announced the Sorting Hat.
Draco reached up to grab the hat off his head and throw it into the air before he stomped off to the Slytherin table without another word. While the blond made a spectacle of himself, the hat gracefully sailed through the air to land gently on the head of Theodore Nott, the next student to be sorted.
The False Chapeau announced, "Another Brain!"
"Better be Slytherin!" announced the Sorting Hat.
The boy carefully removed the hat and returned it to Professor McGonagall with a small bow.
The next sorting was a surprize because when McGonagall placed the hat on the head of Pansy Parkinson, the False Chapeau named her as a 'Thug', the first witch to be so named.
"Better be Slytherin!"
The witch looked angry but she hid her emotions carefully as she strode to the Slytherin table.
The Patel twins were next. Parvati was declared a 'Fashion Queen' and went to Gryffindor with her new friend Lavender Brown. Her sister, Padma was named another 'Brain' and went to join Hermione at the Ravenclaw table.
Another girl, Sally-Anne Perks was declared 'True' and sent to Hufflepuff. Then it was time for Harry Potter who carefully walked toward the stool with his familiar on his shoulder who kept churling and rubbing against his head.
As nervous as he was, Harry paid no attention to the red-headed boy from earlier on the train.
"Are you really Harry Potter?" whined Ron Weasley as the boy with an owl on his shoulder walked by without speaking. "We're supposed to be best friends!"
Harry still didn't respond so the red-head shouted, "I'll see you in Gryffindor!"
Minerva motioned the Weasley boy to get back in line as the Potter boy drew close and she heard him talking to the owl.
"I don't think this is funny," the boy said as he responded to something his owl said.
"Is the owl your familiar?" Minerva asked.
"Yes ma'am. Hedwig's very smart and very magical," Harry told her.
"We'll make all the arrangements for her to stay with you during the night then," McGonagall said as he handed the boy the hat. As he put the hat on his head, Hedwig flew overhead chortling loud enough for the entire hall to hear her call.
"Yes, yes, I understand," the False Chapeau agreed with the owl. "He is the Great Speaker!"
"Better be Hufflepuff!" announced the Sorting Hat as Harry returned the hat and Hedwig settled on his shoulder again. Then he stopped to bow to Hermione at the Ravenclaw table leaving her all smiles, before he hurried to the Hufflepuff table to sit between Neville and Justin.
There were a few students left after Harry; Zacharias Smith was called a 'Thug' but sent to Hufflepuff anyway.
Ron Weasley was devastated that his 'best friend' had betrayed him and gone to Hufflepuff. When he was called a 'Thug' by the False Chapeau and then sent to Gryffindor, Ron found a seat with the other firsties at the end of the table.
There Ron kept asking, "What does that mean anyway? What's a 'thug'? Is it a muggle thing?"
*(+++++)*
Scene: The FeastThe Great Hall became quiet as Deputy Headmistress McGonagall went to collect the Sorting Hat from Vincent Zabini's head. The last student was sorted into Slytherin and it was time to feast. However, the perceived insults to Slytherin house proved too much for Severus Snape. He clamoured down from the head table and stormed to the spot in the Great Hall where Minerva placed the Sorting Hat and the stool. Snape pulled his wand and pointed it at the Sorting Hat.
With a look of fury on his face, Snape began shouting, "You stupid..."
From the False Chapeau upon Dumbledore's head, the high-pitched voice shouted, "Thug! Just another thug in Slytherin house!"
"…piece of moth-eaten cloth," continued the False Chapeau.
"Thug," sighed the False Chapeau while the Sorting Hat remained silent.
"I forbid it! You can't call Slytherins…" shouted Severus while every true Slytherin in the room shook their head in dismay that the head of that house would make such a public display.
"Thugs! Thugs! Thugs! Thugs!" chanted the False Chapeau.
"And you!" shouted Snape as turned back around and cast a spell upon the sleeping form of Albus Dumbledore with the mouthy hat on his head.
Everyone froze to see the spell manifest as a bright red wave that slowed as it crossed the hall while the False Chapeau screamed, "Save me! Save me! I'm a victim of circumstance! Someone save me!"
Suddenly, the red wave of Snape's spell rose higher into the air of the Great Hall, twisted and twirled about before turning around to smack Severus Snape in the chest, knocking him about ten feet into the stone wall. The potions professor slid down the wall to lie on the floor motionless.
Now the Sorting Hat announced, "And that's what happens to wizards who argue with artefacts of great worth and then attack poorly animated pieces of cloth."
"Hey bud, there's nothing about me that's poor!" argued the False Chapeau across the length of the Great Hall.
Healer Troutman hurried over to examine the potions professor. He looked up after just a moment to explain, "He's just exhausted and taking a nap. I suggest we leave him be and wake him up after the feast."
"Yeah!" shouted Ron Weasley, rapidly recovering from losing his best friend. "I'm starving!"
The False Chapeau once again began singing the German national anthem, much to the confusion of the students and the staff. But the deputy headmistress commanded the feast to begin and a wonderful repast appeared before the hungry children. At the head table, she took a moment to revive the headmaster, called for an elf to bring him a cup of strong tea, and then devoted her attention to her meal.
The False Chapeau switched to Abba's Greatest Hits, singing all the parts in all the different pitches simultaneously and providing the music as well. The muggleborn students sang along when they knew the words and the magical students were amazed and wondered what else they were missing about the muggle world. Professor Burbage was excited for the children to hear the muggle pop songs.
Remus Lupin sat back in his chair as he decided, 'I'll have to got to Gringotts and rent a pensive to show the guys this memory. There's no way to write up a report on this sorting feast that anyone will believe…'
*(+++++)*
Scene: Sorting RevelationsIn Dumbledore's office, late that night, the headmaster with the False Chapeau still stuck to his head, summoned McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick, Pince, Sprout, and Babbage to discuss the sorting. Remus Lupin was invited to attend by Sprout and when they gathered at the gargoyle to take the stairs to the headmaster's office, McGonagall nodded in agreement that he be included.
The trip up the revolving staircase was silent and the professors stepped into the mostly refurbished office. The acrid scent of smoke lingered in the air and they each wondered when the smell would dissipate. From behind his massive desk, the elderly wizard attempted to look wise but the effect was ruined because the False Chapeau remained attached to his head, and the hat's animated face continually winked while blowing kisses and raspberries at the professors arrayed across the desk from Dumbledore.
"I have reservations about the results of tonight's sorting," Dumbledore said to begin the meeting.
"What? Not even a 'good evening?" asked the Sorting Hat from his regular place on the shelf beside the giggling phoenix.
The False Chapeau spoke up, "Good evening, one and all. Can we get some Firewhiskey in here? I need a good belt!"
A house elf appeared with a tray of glasses and a bottle of the potent whiskey. The bottle rose from the tray, filled one small glass and then returned to the original spot on the tray. The filled glass rose above the startled headmaster and tipped the contents into the 'mouth' of the False Chapeau.
The hat belched a great flame that singed Dumbledore's moustache and beard. None of the staff members took a glass of Firewhiskey, though most of them planned to have a nightcap in their private quarters before sleeping. The headmaster muttered under his breath as he patted out the cinders around his face, and the heads of house watched the deputy headmistress simply conjure a chair and sit, waiting quietly. The other professors conjured chairs as well. It appeared this would be a long meeting.
"Now, can we get down to business?" asked the real Sorting Hat. "Professor Dumbledore has pestered me about the sorting without ceasing since Fawkes returned me to my place on the shelves."
"About the sorting without ceasing!" emphasized the False Chapeau.
"Rather than reveal any secrets to him, I ordered him to summon you all here to hear…"
"Wow! 'Here to hear'! It rhymes! Oh glory, the Sorting Hat can rhyme!" shouted the False Chapeau.
Babbage looked at Sprout with confusion and concern evident on her face; the Head of Hufflepuff patted the new head of Gryffindor on the hand and reassured her, "It's some kind of punishment for Dumbledore to have to listen to this banter for a while. Hogwarts is vindictive when you mess with her artefacts."
"As I was saying…" the Sorting Hat continued. "I sorted the students to their appropriate houses."
"But I had commentary to share with you," the False Chapeau giggled.
"Get on with it then!" demanded Snape.
"Did you forget to eat your prunes again, Severus?" ask the False Chapeau before it began to review the sorting.
"First, Susan Bones could indeed be a Dark Lady but with my warning, Professor Sprout will make certain the girl receives the attention she needs. Her aunt is absent from her life much of the time but that's a requirement of her job. Miss Bones needs good, true friends here at Hogwarts. She'll make a marvellous Minister of Magic someday with the proper guidance."
"The muggleborn Justin Fitch-Fletchley went to Hufflepuff. As a future financial mover and shaker across the globe, he'll learn the value of true friends and hard work before he forges alliances between the goblins, dwarves and muggle bankers; he'll be a billionaire before he is thirty-five years. He'll be the greatest Dark Lord who ever lived!"
Pausing for a moment, the False Chapeau announced, "A Dark Lady and a Dark Lord in a single year! That's new record for Hogwarts!"
When the staff became agitated, the Sorting Hat cleared his throat (so to speak) and explained, "Many students have the potential to become Dark Lords or Dark Ladies. Minerva McGonagall was the most promising Dark Lady in her generation; if she'd joined He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, they would rule Magical Britain today. And that scallywag Sirius Black could have been much worse than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. However, the boy was entirely too lazy and chased witches rather than study."
"Exactly!" agreed the False Chapeau. "Now, back to this year's crop of troublemakers. There's Miss Granger; she was sorted into Ravenclaw to make friends with girls and boys who come close to her level of genius. She'll be friends with many other students here at Hogwarts but her genius will change the world of genetics and medicine in magical and muggle world. Make certain she maintains her studies in muggle maths and sciences, as well as the magical classes."
"The Sorting Hat put Mr. Longbottom into Hufflepuff. I won't tell you his secrets but his work will play a key role in discovering more effective treatments for cancer in magicals and muggles."
Now the False Chapeau glanced downward at the headmaster, who kept his hands over his eyes to hide from the conversation.
"Hey Dumbles, the future will remember these kids in the same way we remember Merlin. Your name, on the other hand, won't be remembered five minutes after you're dead…"
The hat cackled with an evil tone and asked, "Want to know when you kick the proverbial bucket?"
Dumbledore was startled by the question, and his hands fell away from his face, his eyes bright and scared, but again the Sorting Hat interrupted the conversation.
"No, do not tell him that! I forbid it! It never turns out well when a mortal learns the number of minutes they have left to live."
"Oooo… Hear that Dumbledore? He said 'minutes' as in today's minutes."
"Get back to the sorting!" commanded the Sorting Hat as Albus Dumbledore tried not to panic – especially when he saw the amused look in Minerva's eyes.
"I just wanted to have a little fun with my tormentor… uh… maker," whined the False Chapeau. Flitwick and Sprout began a whispered conversation that grew to include McGonagall and Burbage.
"He's too mischievous… Recognize his speech patterns…"
"Don't I get to hear your little secrets?" whined Snape but the other professors ignored him.
The False Chapeau continued with the sorting of Draco Malfoy. "Snape pay attention to this! Mr. Malfoy went to Slytherin because the people in the other houses would kill him in the first week. The Slytherins will ignore him which is worse than death to the boy's mind that's been all twisted by his father."
"Next year Draco's mind snaps and he is delusional before the end of the winter term. His parents will take him to St. Mungo's where the boy will linger for twenty years in the Janus Thackery ward. As his godfather you must intervene and find the cure for Draco's psychosis in muggle-born counsellors and pharmaceuticals. The boy can grow up healthy if you help him! Start looking into it now!"
"Ron Weasley went into Gryffindor because he'd be expelled from Hogwarts within the first month if he went into any other house. He'll squeak through like the pig he is so long as his older brother Percy is here to make Ron study enough to pass. But in Ron's fourth year, Percy is gone, and the thug will not pass a single class. The school will expel him and his family will push him to pass at least one OWL within twelve months otherwise his mind will be wiped of all knowledge of the magical world and his magic bound."
The False Chapeau tried to shrug and continued, "What will happen? I dunno but Ron's a lazy excuse for a wizard and can't be bothered to wipe his nose, let alone any place else."
"And what about Harry Potter?" demanded Snape. "Why did the much-anticipated Boy-Who-Lived go into Hufflepuff?"
Sprout grinned and announced, "Because it is the best house, of course."
The False Chapeau laughed after Professor Sprout's announcement.
"Mr. Potter's sorting was the hardest since sorting Ambrose Fleamont in 1624. In fact, Ambrose is a direct ancestor of Mr. Potter! Anyways, little Fleamont grew up to lead Magical Britain and the other societies of Europe into creating the Statue of Secrecy and creating the ICW."
"Fleamont who?" asked Irma Prince. "I don't remember ever reading about this…"
The False Chapeau brightened up again and explained, "I would advise no one to read the history books Dumbledore wants you to read. Read my new book titled 'Moments of Greatness: Britain Before Dumbledore'."
"Where's this book?" demanded Professor Pince, and everyone heard the thump as a book fell out of the true Sorting Hat and onto the floor. Madam Pince hurried to grab the book off the floor and move behind the other staff members to hide it from Dumbledore.
"That book is contrary to Ministry standards!" announced Dumbledore.
"How do you know that?" asked Burbage. "It just appeared here from the Sorting Hat."
"With that title, it must be subversive!" declared the headmaster.
"Then it's a good thing that the Hogwarts Library is above Ministry pablum," Minerva said coolly.
"But what about Harry Potter!" demanded Snape.
The False Chapeau simply said, "The 'Great Speaker' had to be Hufflepuff."
"What does that mean anyway; 'Great Speaker'? Speaker of what?" demanded Snape.
"And how can the boy be 'Harry Potter'?" demanded Dumbledore, rising from his stupor behind his desk. "Tell me, how he can be Harry Potter? The boy was a fiction created by James and Lily Potter to trap the Dark Lord Voldemort!"
The False Chapeau laughed and in a high-pitched child's voice said, "And how can this be? For he is the kwisatz haderach!"
Remus and Severus both understood the muggle reference to the Frank Herbert book 'Dune' and blanched with the implication of the power Harry Potter would hold someday.
The False Chapeau returned to humming the German tune 'Deutschland Uber Alles' again, while the true Sorting Hat simply said, "You're senile Dumbledore. You know I can't sort falsely – Harry Potter is a badger in Hufflepuff."
"And I told their secrets!" announced the False Chapeau. "The Sorting Hat can't tell you any of their secrets, but I did."
"How do you know these secrets?" demanded Snape. "If Dumbledore just created you to make the sorting go as he wanted, how do you know the students' secrets?"
The False Chapeau's grin grew wider and the two spots where the 'eyes' were supposed to be began to glow red.
"Dumbledore fashioned me to be a fake hat – the False Chapeau – but he transfigured me to imitate the powers of the Sorting Hat. He never realized I would be able to find their secrets… And there's no admonition or control on my mouth about protecting anyone's secrets!"
"Dear Merlin!" whispered Flitwick, his wand sliding into his hand as he wondered if a finite incantatem would disperse the magic in the False Chapeau.
"Stop! Stop this foolishness this instant!" demanded Dumbledore. "This hat is an illusion…"
"An illusion! Is this an illusion?" asked the hat as it burst into flames. As the magical flames consumed the hat and burned Dumbledore's head, the faculty members heard it grumble, "Oh, poo. I shouldn't have done that!"
Flitwick and Sprout cast aguamenti spells to generate water and put out the fire while Burbage went to the flue to summon Troutman from the infirmary. But the fire appeared to only consume the hat without burning Dumbledore. Once the flames died away, the professors grimaced as they recognized Peeves, the Hogwarts poltergeist, sitting on Dumbledore's head and the release of the transfiguration magic had exhausted the headmaster.
"He tried to compel a poltergeist to do his bidding," muttered Flitwick while shaking his head in disgust.
McGonagall stood and said, "Baron! We need you immediately!"
Within moments, the Bloody Baron floated through the walls of the headmaster's office. "You summoned me, Minerva?"
Pointing to the sleeping poltergeist on Dumbledore's wet head, Minerva explained, "One of your charges has been magically drained while assisting the headmaster with a prank. If you will help Peeves to a safe spot in the castle and make certain he recovers, we will be grateful."
"Of course! Of course," the ghost replied as he gathered poltergeist in his arms and passed through the walls again.
*(+++++)*
Scene: Goodnight EveryoneThe faculty left the headmaster's office after Healer Troutman announced there was no burns on the headmaster but the wizard appeared exhausted. An elf was summoned to take the headmaster to his bed for an uninterrupted sleep.
"It could be at least two days before he wakes up," Troutman informed the Deputy Headmistress.
She shrugged and said, "We'll get along fine without him. Begin the physical exams on the first-year students tomorrow."
"Yes, Deputy Headmistress," the healer said before he stepped into the flames again to return to the infirmary. The remaining professors went down the stairs and dispersed to their different houses and apartments in the castle.
Burbage stepped up beside McGonagall and asked, "Are all meetings with the headmaster that… wild?"
"No," replied Minerva. "That meeting was unusual, but satisfying."
Sprout, Pince, Flitwick and Lupin all coughed or smothered their laughter. Only Snape sneered and broke away from the others to make his way to his dungeons.
*(+++++)*
"Professor Sprout," Lupin said to draw her attention before they separated for the evening.
"Yes, Mr. Lupin?"
"After the feast as the prefects took the students to the Hufflepuff dorm, Longbottom and Potter approached me with a toad."
Surprized, Sprout repeated the statement as a question, "A toad?"
"Yes, Longbottom's pet or familiar. He wanted to house it in one of the Greenhouses. Apparently, the toad consumes a large number of insects each night."
"I hope you accommodated him," Sprout replied. The local toads hibernated through the winter even in the warm greenhouses so the insects thrived during the fall and winter.
"Yes, and it is a big toad – five kilograms."
"What kind of toad grows that large?"
"Mr. Longbottom said it was 'Insectum Manducante Magicis'. I let the boy put the toad into Greenhouse Two where the aphids are a problem.
Sprout nodded. "Natural predators are a great asset in the greenhouse! But, Mr. Longbottom will be responsible for the toad's care."
"And Mr. Potter's familiar flew off to hunt for her supper. She'll return to the owl stalls for the night."
With that, the faculty members of Hogwarts parted to have that night cap and smirk at the antics of the False Chapeau and the Sorting Hat.
*(+++++)*
Author's Note: The False Chapeau wrote himself into the story. I started with a fake sorting hat but then the transfigured poltergeist awoke and took over. Peeves will make a later appearance in first year.