The first week of university was literal hell for Sam Winchester. Those marks his brother left on him were still fresh and his housemates joked about how hot the girl must've been that he left behind. It stung because it wasn't some girl. It was his favorite person, his big brother. He couldn't tell them that of course, so he laughed along with them like the memory didn't sting.
He felt alone. He didn't think it'd get any better until he finally saw her. Jessica Moore. She'd been in his class that whole week but he didn't truly see her until she was assigned to be his partner for a debate. She was beautiful, no doubt about that, but it was her kindness that drew him in, her caring smile that made him latch onto her selfishly.
Jessica took him in with no complaint. She had no idea that she started off as just a distraction from Sam's reality. He hated himself for it but not enough to stop, not even when she kissed him for the first time. It had been at a party and they were just talking; she was looking up at him and her eyes were looking so deep into his but he had no idea. He wasn't used to attention like that.
When her arms wrapped around his shoulders and pull him downward he didn't know what to make of it until their lips finally met. Hers were so smooth and so soft, so different from Dean's. He tried his best to block his brother out as he kissed Jessica back with just as much tenderness as she had given.
"I'm sorry if that was too much." She said as she pulled away. Her cheeks were flushed from the kiss and only got worse when Sam placed his large hands against them. He knew deep down it was wrong using her like that but she made him feel safe and wanted, something he so desperately needed.
"Don't apologize. I liked it." It wasn't a lie by any means. The kiss itself had been a great one, even if it wasn't what he truly wanted. She had no clue though as she beamed up at him, so happy to know that he felt the same way for her. He hadn't realized this at first but she had been attracted to him the moment she saw him. It made him feel good knowing that even at his worse she still wanted him.
It made him keep her close until the feelings became real. He hadn't forgotten about Dean in any capacity, but he did learn to love Jessica. She kept him sane and that was all he really needed. His mind was clear for the most part, safe from his sin as long as she was near.
Not even that was enough in the dead of night when they laid in bed, however. He was supposed to be sound asleep-instead the memories would break through all of his barriers and he'd try his best to block it all out, push it away, but sometimes he just.. couldn't.
Sometimes he'd even let himself remember, and it would all come rushing back all at once. The feeling of Dean's lips against his, and then wrapped around his length-It would leave him whimpering into his pillow as he shamefully humped into his hand, hoping to God Jessica wouldn't wake and see what a mess the person she loved truly was.
That only happened every so often, on days he had been feeling particularly weak. He told himself that despite those momentary slip ups, he was getting better. He could be with Jessica and even marry her, and start their own family. They'd be happy.
It was something he kept telling himself as he toyed with the little box in his hand. After his law school interview he was going to take her out, get down on one knee and ask her be his. It felt like the right thing to do, and he knew she felt the same way with the way she would joke about them growing old together. She loved him so much, it had to be the right thing.
She didn't know everything about him, however. All she knew was that he was a guy from a broken home, and that was all he cared for her to know. Things didn't have to be scary with Jessica. They could live a normal life, even with the dreams he'd been having about her.
He'd see her pinned against the ceiling with fire erupting from her bleeding corpse-God they were terrible, but he knew they were nothing more than his old life still haunting him. Over time he'd get over it.
Just like how over time he'd truly get over Dean. He would forget about the way his hot breath felt over his naked body, the way his kiss felt against his lips, so sensual-He'd forget about it all, and only know the soft touches of Jessica.
He forced his mind to clear as he shut his eyes, hoping to God he wouldn't have that same dream as the night before. He was beginning to let sleep creep up on him until a noise from his living room caused him to sit up straight in his bed. Such a noise wouldn't startle a normal person, but Sam Winchester wasn't normal. He was trained to be cautious and alert, so when even more subtle noises came from his living room, he had to get up and investigate.
He stood in his door way for a few seconds before a shadow-like figure walked passed the entry way of the living area. Sam moved fast as he made his way through the dark apartment and looked in just about every direction, but was winded by the figure-it tackled him and forced him to the ground. Sam fought back against the hold until he finally looked up, and through the moonlight coming through the curtains, he could see that the figure holding him down was the one person he thought he would never see again.
When Sam left him that night, Dean lost a part of himself. He gave the most intimate part of himself to his baby brother but it wasn't enough to keep him there. It left him feeling a little cold and detached from the world, even if he tried to hide it.
He knew their father noticed the slight change, but wouldn't dare bring it up. John didn't want to hear about the night they shared and Dean knew it, so he never opened up, not to anyone. It's better that way, he would tell himself. He sat through the pain and buried it down deep, because as a hunter you don't have the time to let yourself feel things.
That mindset worked on the job and when he was around his dad-mostly. But sometimes John went out on his own to search for the demon who killed his wife, their mother. Dean would be left alone, sort of like when he was just a kid, but he didn't have Sam to take care of anymore, so that made it completely different for Dean.
He'd find a case and take his frustrations out on whatever supernatural being came his way. And then he'd either be alone in a motel room or in the Impala that his father left him. One particular night it had been real bad-he'd been drinking, making every barrier he had in his mind come down, and he let himself think about it.
He let himself think about the way his little brother moaned his name, the way he would let Dean touch his body, so smooth but toned, so responsive for him. And above all else the way it felt to be inside of him.. so warm, tight and wrong. Sam was sick and enjoyed every second of it, and Dean later came to the conclusion that it wasn't all just Sammy.
To the very first moment he heard Sam moaning his name, he sat there and listened to every shutter of breath, and thought about the look on his baby brother's face as he came for him. He told himself it was just to understand what was happening, but he knew the heat pooling in his abdomen meant something different, even if his body didn't have an outward reaction.
And of course, the way he toyed with Sammy's feelings with that stupid little game they played. Dean later realized that those nights only caused his baby brother more pain, and that he was acting selfishly. Dean was sick too and it wasn't his baby brother's fault.
What was Sam's fault, however, was leaving.
He blocked that out though and focused on only his Sammy and the way he held onto him that night. His drunken state didn't want to ruin that image. Only in the morning would he let himself remember how it felt to be alone the day after giving himself to his Sammy. But it wasn't morning yet, and so he let himself work at his cock at the bitter sweet memory.
The next day he couldn't bring himself to think about that all that because he was greeted with a new worry: His dad had been gone way longer than he was supposed to be. He spent two days searching for John on his own, but he knew deep down he couldn't do that. He needed the one person he swore he never wanted to see again.
On the way over to Sam's apartment he made sure to bury every feeling he had for his baby brother. It was like a switch he could turn off whenever he had to, especially in situations where he refused to look weak. With his sensitive side tucked away, he let his smug persona take over.
"Woah. Easy, tiger." Dean said tauntingly, a smirk playing at his lips. He had Sam pinned to the ground with his hand wrapped around his throat. The sick part of him had to admit that he liked seeing Sam like that. Pinned against him with that helpless look in those dark, nearly hazel eyes-
"Dean?" Sam gasped in surprise. The noise made Dean chuckle. "You scared the crap out of me." He whisper-shouted up at his older brother.
"That's cause you're out of practice." Those words, for whatever reason, pissed Sam off. It almost felt like a challenge. Sammy took back control and flipped Dean over, pinning him hard against the floor. The older of the two laughed in pure surprise, impressed that his Sammy remembered their training. "Or not."
Being in that position made him notice just how big his Sammy had gotten since he last saw him. So tall and broad, and still growing. He still had that innocent look in eyes though, and that made Dean wanna pull Sammy down by his shirt and plant a kiss on-
"Get off me." Dean huffed, those thoughts working to take down every single one of his barriers. It was difficult keeping them up with Sam right there in front of him-or on top of him. It felt like he could breath again when Sam finally released his hold on him. He accepted his little brother's help though as he made his way back to his feet.
Sam couldn't believe Dean was standing right there in front of him. For a moment he forgot where they were, like Jessica wasn't asleep just down the hall. The only thing he could concentrate on was Dean and how damn beautiful he looked against the moonlight-
The living room light brought them back down to reality and then to the doorway where Jessica stood with confusion etched onto her features. "Jess," Sam let out in a heavy breath, her presence grounding him, reminding him of what made sense. He lowered his gaze back to his brother, who was too busy eyeing his girl like the asshole he was trying to be.
"Dean, this is my girlfriend, Jessica." He did his best to ignore the stupid smirk his older brother had on his face as he introduced her. Jessica's confused look turned into one of understanding, acknowledging him as Sam's brother. At least he told her about him, Dean thought, though he was knew he wouldn't dare tell her everything. Instead of focusing on that little detail, he chose to keep up with his nonchalant act, his mischievous eyes landing right on the dip in the collar of her shirt.
"I love the Smurfs." Dean said as he eyed the split right between the two blue cartoons. She was hot, but even he knew he wouldn't actually hurt Sam that way. Still, it didn't stop him from talking about how she was way out of Sammy's league. He liked seeing the slight twinge of annoyance in his baby brother's face, especially when he kept going, and didn't stop until she gave an uncomfortable stare to Sam. He decided then that he was done playing around anyway, 'cause this was a serious matter after all.
"Anyway. I gotta borrow your boyfriend here, talk about some private family business, but nice meeting you." He made sure to put emphasis on the last part, giving her a sly smirk right before he looked up at his baby brother, who in return looked annoyed beyond words. Dean wanted nothing more than to piss him off even more, to see just how many faces he could make his Sammy make, but he reminded himself that it wasn't the time.
"No." Sam's voice was defiant. He was tired of being told how to do things. Things were gonna be different than before, and Sam was gonna make sure of it. He made his way over to Jessica and wrapped his arm around her waist, not even noticing the look in Dean's face, the cold stare at the sight.
Dean knew that as a big brother he was supposed to be happy for him, happy that he was able to find love, and to be happy. But he couldn't bring himself to even fake it. It didn't feel right-seeing him told her like that, seeing him so far away, so distant.
"No. Whatever you wanna say, you can say it in front of her." He felt brave saying those words, after all the years of being told to be nothing more than a mindless hunter. He could finally say and do whatever he wanted. Nothing Dean could say would change that, even when he pointed out their dad hadn't been home in days, which was nothing new.
"So he's working overtime on a "miller time" shift. He'll stumble back in sooner or later." Sam said like a little jerk. Dean took in a breath as he shook his head, trying his best to keep his cool. Though there were many things he could snap on his brother about, he kept the task at hand at the forefront of his mind, and chose to explain things in a different way. In a way only a hunter could understand.
"Dad's on a hunting trip." Dean clarified. "He hasn't been home in a few days." He repeated, his voice tight. He could see from across the room how stiff Sammy got from that one sentence. He knew then that he understood completely, his eyes never leaving Dean's as he finally asked Jess to leave the room.
They bickered down the stairs, arguing about their childhood and Sam's reluctance to help find their father. Famously skirting past their biggest problem: each other. Especially when the words were at the tip of Dean's tongue, when Sam tells him he's more than capable of doing it on his own. Dean's heart was in his throat as he looked down into the open trunk, daring only one second to look up at Sam, to say the only thing close enough to the truth.
"Well.. I don't want to." I need you with me, he thought pathetically, and prayed that Sam understood. And he did-overwhelmingly so. He agreed to go with him, and promised Jess that he'd be back the next day for the interview, despite everything in him telling him that it was a horrible idea, despite the dreams that haunt him in the back of his mind. Sam sat beside Dean in the Impala and they drove in all consuming awkward silence, his older brother's presence burning into his left side.
Being next to him was a mistake. Sam knew this. He spent the last few years trying to forget about him, form a healthier type of love. Despite all of those factors, he knew that deep down, he would have said yes anyway, that those no's meant absolutely nothing.
Regardless, Sam also knew that he would go back home to Jessica. He loved her and she loved him, a healthy kind of love that he knew Dean deserved. So, Sam told himself that no matter what, he couldn't give into his wants. He wondered vaguely if Dean was having the same thought process as he white knuckled the steering wheel, but Sam settled with the assumption that his own presence made Dean uncomfortable. The younger brother finally tore his eyes away, deciding that he couldn't handle the thought of Dean being disgusted by him. He forced those thoughts away and shut his eyes, letting sleep take over, and he was greeted by the familiar heat and flames of his recurring nightmare.
Dean knew that it was a mistake, too. He realized this all too well as he kept his eyes on the road, despite everything in him wanting to stop the car and tell Sam exactly how it felt to wake up alone that morning, and how selfish he was for that, but he chose not to. It didn't feel right doing that, because no matter how much he blamed him, Sam was still his baby brother. And despite all of the angst, Sammy still meant everything to him.
Dean turned the radio down and let his Sammy rest, and let even himself spare small glances at his sleeping face. A tornado of emotions flew through him and it just wasn't fair . It wasn't fair that their life turned into that.
Wasn't fair that he had to fall in love with his own brother.