Chapter 7 How Can I Just Let Her Go?

Back in the day, I can recall that,
My thoughts were unclouded and sage
There was no black staining the walls of my memories
Now there's a haze pushing me sideways
And leaving me nothing to gain
Taking me back, locking me cold in disparity

Where was I meant to be?
I feel I'm lost in a dream

-Unleashed by Epica

Cynthia Rose knew she had taken a huge risk deceiving Aubrey to get her here. However, watching her walk away, it felt more permanent than it did when she awoke with the rest of the band on that Sunday morning in 1998 to find Aubrey had left. She also knew that Aubrey still hated Beca for breaking her heart (whether it was intentional or not depends on who you ask) and Beca still had animosity toward Aubrey for leaving in the middle of the night and never giving her the chance to right her wrongs. Yet, despite all that, Cynthia Rose knew Beca could be convinced if Aubrey agreed to the tour. She had hoped she would have been able to at least convince Aubrey out of loyalty to her and the deep friendship they had. After today, Cynthia Rose knew she had a better chance of drawing blood from a stone than getting Aubrey to even answer her phone calls after the stunt she pulled.

With an extended sigh, she turned and looked at Chloe. Cynthia Rose could see the hurt on her face at Aubrey's comment. "Chloe, you know she didn't mean—" she began only for Chloe to hold her hand up to cut her off.

"It's—" she paused to clear her throat, "It's alright. She did mean it and she's right, you know," she said and looked away, regret staining her eyes.

It was Fat Amy's turn to huff in resignation, "Look, Chloe, we know it's been a long time. We've all obviously changed in the last 14 years since we've seen each other but the fans really want this."

Chloe worried her lip before making eye contact with Fat Amy, "I've put this part of my life behind me, Amy. Do I regret how we ended or the part I played in it? Yes, I do, but I've come to terms with it and made peace with my past…" She paused and watched the thumb that traced the lettering on the coffee mug in her hand as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I had to or it would've killed me otherwise. I've dealt with my demons and can look back fondly on our times as a band, despite all the sadness and hurt that tainted those years. I'm not running from our past so I'm not the one you should be having this pep talk with. If anything, it's Aubrey and Beca that are standing in the way of this tour." She glanced at her watch and grabbed her purse. She stood up, "I need to get back to the school. My next class starts in an hour."

"We understand," Cynthia Rose said. "We'll, let you go but we just want to know, if we can get Aubrey and Beca on board for the tour, are you in?"

Chloe offered a sad smile, "I've…I've wronged those two in the worst way so while I would love nothing more than to be on stage with you guys, I don't think it's up to me. If by some chance you get Beca and Aubrey to do the tour and they don't want me there, then I won't be." She smiled at Fat Amy and Emily, "It was nice seeing you all again and I'm sorry that today didn't go as you had hoped." She pulled her purse onto her shoulder and walked away from the table. She soon after, disappeared down the street from which she came.

DWDWDWDW

Beca scurried as fast as her sock covered feet would allow on her hardwood floors. She made her way through the kitchen and up the stairs to her bedroom, trying her hardest not to fall. "Hold on a sec, Spence, I know I have the disk somewhere." She flipped the switch and made her way to her closet, standing on her toes to grab the box where she had stored the unused music of her first album. She walked over to her bed and took a seat, pulling the box into her lap. She put her phone on speaker and placed it beside her before opening the box. "And you're sure you can use that song?" She asked as she scavenged through the box.

"Yeah. I think if we take the instrumentation from it, it should fit with those lyrics you were working out the other day."

Beca continued to search through the box, "Alright just give me a sec—" she paused, her eyes catching a glint of silver. She reached for it, pulling it out. She ran her thumb along the diamonds bordering the forgotten dog tag gifted to each member of the band by their manager, Gail in appreciation for "taking a chance on me and having faith that I could get you guys to the top." Her eyes traced the engraved letter B as her mind took her back to the night she received the piece of jewelry.

Beca watched from where she stood in the threshold of the bathroom door amused as Aubrey looked down her nose, unaware of her presence, attempting to clasp the necklace. Beca chucked when Aubrey's glasses slipped from her face and the singer cursed under her breath. Beca pushed off from the wall she was leaning against and walked over to Aubrey, grabbing her hands with her own.

"Let me," she said. Aubrey turned and nodded, handing her the necklace. Beca smirked and stepped behind her, deftly hooking the dog tag around her neck. Instinctively, her hands caressed Aubrey's shoulder, "a beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl."

Beca's breath on Aubrey's neck made her shiver and gasp. She turned and used her fingers to push her glasses up her face so that she could see Beca clearly. "B-Beca, I need to tell you something."

Beca nodded, indicating she should continue.

"Well, um…I've wanted to tell you this for a while but I haven't just been really afraid of how you'd react."

Beca placed a hand in comfort on Aubrey's arm and squeezed lightly, "You can tell me whatever it is."

Aubrey nodded and exhaled softly. "Ok. I—I think…no I know that I'm in l—"

"Beca, Aubrey, the pizza's here." Fat Amy said, peeking her head in the door.

"Alright. Just give us a second," Beca said and turned back to Aubrey. "What were you saying?"

Aubrey smiled, although it seemed insincere to Beca. "It's fine. I'll tell you later. We better get out there before Amy eats all the pizza."

Beca scoffed and the two walked towards the door. "Tell me something I don't know. We don't call her Fat Amy for nothing. For her to be so damn skinny, she's like a bottomless pit."

Aubrey laughed and Beca couldn't help but smile seeing the mirth overtake the obvious worry that had been on her face. Before they reached the kitchen, Beca grabbed Aubrey's hand to stop her.
"You'll tell me later what you wanted to say before Amy interrupted, right?"

Aubrey smiled, a genuine one this time. "Yeah, I will. I promise."

"Still there, Beca?"

Beca blinked a few times to clear her mind, "Um y-yeah." She dropped the dog tag back into the box and continued her search, "I'm still here."

DWDWDWDW

Aubrey sat down on her bed with a huff. She was more emotionally fatigued than anything but having to stay on campus grading exams didn't help. Pissed didn't even adequately describe her ire. While she hadn't spoken to Cynthia Rose in years, she thought, of all the women, they had parted on good terms. Cynthia Rose knew, she knew how Beca had hurt her and she must have known what seeing Beca today would do to her. Aubrey sighed, pushing aside her anger knowing it wouldn't do her any good to let it stew within. She lifted her arms to unbutton her sleeves and slipped her watch off. She placed the timepiece on her side table and pulled open the drawer to search for her eye drops. Her eyes had been bothering her all day and she mused to herself that a few days without her contacts might help. Not to mention, a part of her missed her black rimmed glasses.

After treating the dryness in her eyes, she slipped on her glasses just as her phone chimed signaling a text message.

Marc 9:33 pm: Jennifer asked me to remind you to bring in that anthology you said you'd loan her.

A few seconds later another message came in.

Marc 9:34 pm: Haven't heard from you since early this afternoon. Is everything ok?

Aubrey sighed and didn't bother responding. How could she explain to him that she was still reeling from being forced to see Beca again? She never told him the extent of the band's breakup and she certainly couldn't tell him now that the women she had fallen in love with at seventeen years old was being injected back into her life, although through no fault of her own.

With a deep exhale, she stood and made her way out of her room and into her attic where she kept all the textbooks she kept from her own university days. Flipping the light switch, she looked around the small space before spotting the pile of boxes lined against the wall on the far right.

Glancing around to make sure there weren't any spider webs to inadvertently walk into, she made her way over to the boxes. None of them were labeled so she'd have to search through the boxes to see which held the books she looked for. When she moved to Athens she made the move on her own and thus distributed the books among the boxes with clothes to make their transport easier. She pulled the first box off the top of the pile and kneeled on the floor with it.

Pulling open the flaps of the box she dug around the clothes in the box, blindly search for anything that felt like a textbook. When she felt a smooth metal object she frowned and took hold of it in her hand. She pulled it out to investigate only to frown further when she realized what it was. Her eyes widened and then narrowed at the long-forgotten piece of jewelry.

She'd heard about it on the radio. She was on her way home from the library where she'd go to be alone when the news broke. Luke had killed himself. One gunshot to the head. While it was tragic—the death of someone so talented and so young—the only thing Aubrey could think of was Beca. Luke and Beca bonded over the guitar in ways Aubrey would never be able to understand Aubrey pressed on the gas, going as fast as she could while remaining within the speed limit.

Beca was still struggling with sobriety and Aubrey knew the grief of losing yet another person would be enough to knock her off the wagon. She walked into their house and greeted Cynthia Rose and Fat Amy who were sitting on the couch watch television. Before she could inquire about Beca's whereabouts Cynthia Rose said, "We tried to find her but couldn't. She said she was going to see the city but we didn't even know where to look. We figured you would know."

Aubrey nodded as she released a sigh of relief. She placed her grocery bags on the floor and instructed them to put the food away before she turned around and exited the house. "Seeing the city" was Beca's way of saying she would be on the roof of their old apartment. Aubrey made her way into downtown Atlanta, the radio playing Numb, Luke's Band's music in the background in between the disc jockey cutting in with updates surrounding the late musician.

When she arrived at the building she quickly parked, lucky that the parking manager remembered her and allowed her to park her car for free. She made her way to the elevator and took it to the top floor before making her way down the hallway toward the door that would take her to the roof. She opened the door and when she heard the gentle tones of a guitar, then low singing, she knew she'd been right in finding Beca. She told Aubrey once before that staring out at the city and seeing how insignificant she was compared to the thousands before her eyes calmed her.

Aubrey recognized the song, having heard Beca play it hundreds of times. She walked further up the stairs and turned the corner. She spotted Beca sitting on a small bench not far from where Aubrey stood, her head against the wall and her Taylor Acoustic in her hand. Her eyes were closed as she strummed and sang along with the voice coming from the small radio on the ground near her feet.

A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Somehow Beca sensed her presence because instead of singing the next verse her hand fell to her side and she turned to look at Aubrey.

"I—I just wanted to check on you," Aubrey said and walked over to her. She took the seat next to Beca, "I heard what happened. I know how much he meant to you."

"It's stupid. I didn't even know him that well," Beca said bitterly, but Aubrey could hear the sadness in her voice.

"Yes, that may be true, you only knew him for a short period of time," Aubrey began, reaching out to place her hand on Beca's, "but that doesn't mean you can't be affected by his death."

"Yeah," Beca said after some time. She perched her guitar next to her on the wall. "I just…it scares me. Will I ever get so unhappy with this life, with our success that I'll do the same?"

Aubrey glared at her and firmly said, "No. I won't let you."

Beca stared at Aubrey, her dark eyes watched her intently. They studied Aubrey, crawling inside her in search of something. Aubrey wasn't sure if she found it but Beca soon looked away and rested her head on Aubrey's shoulder. Together they stared out at the view of the city. It was beautiful, the sun yellowing the skyline casting a beautiful glow around the buildings in front of them.

"I was surprised when Rose said you were here. Traffic was bad on my drive here. It must have been a nightmare for you," Aubrey said.

"I just wanted to be alone."

"But you told them where you were going. I couldn't have been the only person to figure out you'd be up here."

"Well, I've been here a while and no one came." Beca said. She tilted her head up to look at Aubrey, "That's why you're my best friend, Bree. I knew you'd come and find me."

Aubrey's heart clenched at Beca's admission but forced herself to ignore it. She'd grown used to Beca saying such things and eliciting such reactions in her. She learned long ago to not let those feelings get carried away because nothing would come of it anyway. Beca had Chloe for that and Aubrey said as much. "I'm sure Chloe would have come when she returned home and found you weren't there."

Beca shrugged and focused back at the scenery in front of them. "Maybe. But honestly, with the way I'm feeling, I didn't want my girlfriend here to comfort me. I wanted my best friend, you."

"Bec—"

"I'm serious, Bree. I love Chloe but…I don't know," she trailed off, her hand coming up to mess with the dog tag around Aubrey's neck. "It's different with you. You calm me in ways no one else can or ever will."

Aubrey pulled herself from the memory and angrily threw the neckless at the wall across from her. She wanted to be as far as possible from the neckless and every memory it brought with it.

DWDWDWDW

When Chloe arrived home, she pulled her car into her garage and turned the engine off. She sat still in the driver's seat for a long time. After leaving the diner that afternoon, she returned to the high school where she worked and was unable to sit and digest the meeting until this moment. Both of her hands gripped the steering wheel as she pondered what had happened earlier that day. While she had told Fat Amy and the rest of the women that she'd made peace with her past—and she was telling the truth—seeing them all today, Beca and Aubrey included, unearthed a longing in her that she didn't realize she harbored. Her fingers curled around the wheel and squeezed until her knuckles were white. Her breathing picked up and soon enough she was starting to sob. Leaning forward, Chloe rested her forehead against the steering wheel and squeezed her eyes closed, forcing herself to slow her rapid heartrate with calm, deep breaths. God, how she had missed the five women. It was so much easier when they were all situated in different parts of the country. Easier when they remained a fond memory she'd reflect upon when one of their songs came on the radio.

But seeing them today, seeing the anger that Beca and Aubrey still held, especially Aubrey, it was like 1997 all over again. Yet, despite the animosity present during the conversation, Chloe could feel the group dynamic that made it possible for them to once grow as close as sisters.

Sisters that hated her 15 years later.

Chloe took another breath, swallowing the sob in her throat as she tried to regain her composure and once she did she exited her car and walked into her house. It was quiet except for the distant patter of cat paws on the step. Mr. Piddles, a grey British shorthair who she took in as a stray from the bitter cold missing an eye and patches of fur the year before, met her at the door and gave Chloe a series of welcoming meows.

"Hi there, buddy." She bent down and picked the cat up, and carried him up to the stairs to her bedroom. When they arrived, Mr. piddles jumped from her arms and ran into the room, depositing himself on the bed. Chloe chuckled and placed her purse on the chair near the door.

"Alright, get the bed warm for me," she joked to her pet, "I'm going to grab a shower."

Thirty minutes later Chloe had finished her nightly routine and made her way back down stairs and into the kitchen, Mr. Piddles following not far behind. She refilled his food bowls before making a cup of tea for herself. As she sat down to drink the warm beverage, she opened her laptop and couldn't help but google The Bellas. Fat Amy was right, there was a lot of excitement about this tour and Chloe smiled softly when she clicked on a link that took her to twitter. A fan posted "Me when I found out the Bellas were reuniting" and below it was a gif of Jonah hill freaking out. She continued to search "Bellas Reunion" tag, her hand unconsciously taking hold of the dog tag around her neck. Several of the tweets were posts of some fans sharing the first time they'd heard the Bellas: "I lost my virginity with 'I Get Off' playing in the background. It was her idea. She was a real classy one" or how the band helped them through a tough time in their life: "I played Degradation Trip on repeat all through sophomore year of high school. That album literally walked me off a ledge." There were many more written in a similar vein. Seeing these fans reminiscence made it nearly impossible for Chloe to not do the same.

"Aubrey, do you realize how ridiculous you look right now?" Fat Amy said, reaching behind her to take the joint being offered to her by Stacie. Aubrey's face contorted in confusion as she pulled the spoon out of her mouth and placed it back into the jar of peanut butter in her hand. "What? Why?"

Fat Amy rolled her eyes, "Maybe it's best I not say."

Chloe didn't try to stifle her laughter along with Cynthia Rose and Aubrey looked to Stacie who smiled at her sympathetically. "She's just saying, with the peanut butter and your high school Robotics t-shirt," Stacie began to explain, "it's not hard to tell that you're the youngest of all of us."

Aubrey frowned and murmured, "it's not my fault Beca won't let me drink or smoke with you guys."

Beca glanced over from where she was silently drinking her beer and said, "You've already said you're not into drinking and smoking. If your really want to do it, then I can't stop you, but, I'm not going to let them pressure you into growing up before you're ready. So, eat your peanut butter if that's what you want and they're going to stop giving you shit about it," she said with the last bit directed towards the rest of the group.

Chloe bit her lip to hide her mirth as she said, "She's right, Bree. Don't rush to become a pothead like us. In the meantime, I'm sure Beca can teach you how to be a buzzkill instead," and she and Cynthia Rose burst into laughter again. Aubrey rolled her eyes and Beca flipped them off. When she calmed down from her laughing fit nearly five minutes later, Chloe bumped Beca's shoulder with her own. Unlike she and Cynthia Rose, when Beca smoked weed, she grew quiet and introspective and was prone to wander off by herself. This was the case today when the rest of the band found her on the roof of their apartment staring at the St. Louis skyline around them with the sun licking the top of the skyscrapers, the streets below them starting to fill with life and the radio playing softly in the background. "Aww, c'mon Becs. Lighten up. You don't have to solve all the world's problems today."

Beca rolled her eyes, although Chloe could see her trying to fight a smile. She and Beca had become …something. She wasn't sure if it would be considered dating but after the first few times they fell into bed together, she noticed that Beca no longer held the "sharing is caring attitude" towards any girls that Stacie picked up in bars. Chloe knew, however, no matter what they were (or weren't), they had agreed to keep whatever it was between them for now to see where it went. There was no point in altering the band dynamic if nothing came of their relationship.

"Have you heard from Gail?" Fat Amy asked and Beca shook her head. She took the joint being passed to her and took a hit. "It hasn't been that long," she answered, her voice higher in pitch as she held the smoke in her lungs. "Give her a few more days and then we'll call her," she finished, exhaling the fumes.

"Do you think she'll like our demo?" Aubrey asked and Chloe couldn't help but smile softly at how adorable the singer could be with her insecurities.

"I don't see why not. It was solid stuff and your voice was amazing," Beca said. Chloe watched Aubrey's eyes light up at the praise before looking down to hide what Chloe saw was the beginning of a blush. She watched Aubrey curiously. In the first couple of months since introducing the two, Chloe had wondered if Aubrey had a bit of a crush on Beca and had gladly got out of the way to allow her to act on her feelings. She knew Beca was never one to not go after what she wanted and because nothing happened between her and Aubrey by the time she, herself, had sex with Beca, Chloe figured Beca must not have felt the same as Aubrey,

"Look who's lost in her head now," Beca said, bumping Chloe's leg with her own to knock her from her reverie. Chloe smiled at her and leaned in to kiss her before remembering where they were. Beca frowned at her, her eyes flickering over to Aubrey before looking back at her. It was then Chloe's turn to frown but she didn't say anything, knowing she couldn't address her confusion at that moment anyway.

"There isn't shit on the radio," Stacie said as she switched through the stations on the small radio in her lap. When Bon Jovi's voice filtered out of the device, she moved to change the station again but stopped when she heard Beca groan. "What's wrong, Becs? Don't Like Bon Jovi?"

"No," Beca said. "Now can you put on something else?"

Cynthia Rose jumped up and began playing an imaginary bass along with the song. "Why not, huh? You gotta admit it's catchy."

Chloe laughed knowing the bassist couldn't stand the New Jersey band either but wanted to mess with Beca. The rest of the women soon joined in singing the popular song in an attempt to get Beca to break, admit she knew the song, and join in. Cynthia Rose was right, after all. It was a catchy popular song and they'd all be lying if they said they didn't at least know the chorus. Chloe got on her knees in front of Beca, using her beer bottle as a fake microphone, "It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other and that's a lot," she sang and poked Beca's cheek. Beca was trying her hardest not to smile before jumping in surprise when Aubrey appeared over her should and continued with, "For love, we'll give it a shot."

Beca rolled her eyes before belting out, "Whoa! We're half way there. Whoa, livin' on a prayer." Chloe and the rest of the group raised their arms to cheer as they finished out the song.

Unlike everyone else, save maybe Cynthia Rose, Chloe left behind a family that she loved dearly and still missed to this day. Yet, being here on this roof, seeing the five women laughing and singing cheesy pop songs, made it all worth it. It made her believe that she had a found a second family, one that she'd never have to give up.

Chloe placed her cooled tea in the sink. She headed up to her bedroom and climbed into bed. As she laid there, she pulled the dog tag from around her neck and ran her thumb across its face where the cursive B was engraved. She really did miss the family she had built with the Bellas. As she dozed off to sleep, her last conscious thought was to reconsider Cynthia Rose, Fat Amy, and Emily's offer to give her a chance of having that family back.