He felt stupid. God, did he feel stupid.
He could hear his Uncle down in the diner, the bell rang through the open window of the apartment, signalling customers' arrival. The laughter that left from the lively establishment despite the early hour of the morning. He heard Lorelai nursing her hangover, loudly exclaiming for sweet treats as she entered. And he heard Rory following after at a more resolute pace, her laughter at her mothers' despair chiming through the room. And Jess felt stupid.
He shook his hands, dancing from foot to foot and muttered to himself, "You can do this," as he stood, hair askew and eyes tired in front of the mirror.
He took a deep breath, and stared at his own reflection.
"I am..."
It was like he chocked. He couldn't get the rest of the words out. It was stuck in his throat.
He swallowed and tried again, "I am -"
He made eye contact with himself and couldn't help but laugh at his own incompetence. "I am pathetic." he said finally.
"Jess!" He heard his uncle shout up to the apartment, "Are you coming down to help at any point?"
"Yeah!" He shouted back. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, attempting to push back his longer hair so it didn't fall into his face, and huffed at his effort. "Yeah I'm coming."
The glass shook in his wake as the door slammed behind him.
He pushed back the curtain and was greeted with the sight of Lorelai with her head on the bar, groaning loudly while Luke actively tried to ignore her pleas.
"Don't serve her, Jess." Luke ordered, "She deserves what she got."
"Stop wounding me Luke," Lorelai complained, "I was bonding."
Jess sniggered, grabbing the pot of coffee on his way around the side of the counter and pouring Rory's cup without serving Lorelai's.
"Jess," she gasped, "I thought we were friends."
He shrugged, smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye, "Boss' order's."
Jess went about the work with a sense of deeply ingrained lethargy that got harder and harder to ignore. His inability to utter three little words to himself hung over him – slowly lowering a weight on his shoulders that pushed him down further as the day went on. His body outright ached with a fatigue that had no logical explanation.
That, coupled with Rory Gilmore's ridiculously apologetic Bambi eyes that followed his movements meant that, by the time his shift had finished, he was ready to hide away up in the apartment, burying himself under the duvet and ignore all the problems facing him.
He honestly didn't expect Rory to follow him up, slamming open the apartment door only moments after he'd shut it. He supposed he should stop trying to predict the actions of the doe-eyed enigma – she never failed to surprise him.
"I'm sorry" She practically shouted in his face.
Jess, halfway stripping of his clothes, slowly slipped his top back down his body. "Uh... what?"
"I'm sorry" she repeated, pacing in front of the sofa and not even looking at Jess as she spoke. "I can't believe I assumed – that I had any influence in -" she huffed, cutting herself off, and fell back onto the sofa. Her head in her hands, hiding her face.
"Wow. I honestly didn't expect that."
She groaned into her palms, "I am such an awful human being."
"You're not awful." He insisted.
"Things have changed Jess, you wouldn't know."
"Nah, I refuse to believe that."
She groaned again, "Stop being nice to me, Jess."
She didn't move from her pitiful position on the sofa. Head in hands and breathing stuttering – evident that she was trying desperately not to cry.
Jess looked urgently back at his bed before sighing and sitting down next to her on the sofa, slipping down the back. His self-indulgent wallowing would have to wait. "What's going on, Rory."
She pulled her hands away from her face and twisted around to look at him for the first time since she entered.
"Things have gone wrong, Jess."
Jess hummed, acknowledging her, but waited for her to continue.
"Things aren't right – and I'm not really sure why. My life just isn't really going how I'd expected."
"It rarely ever does."
She nodded, falling back and letting herself slump into the leather. She was looking ahead – staring into space. Jess was hit with a weird out-of-body experience – realising why Luke would always look so concerned and disturbed when Jess phased out – staring. She looked like a shell of a person. She looked like how he felt.
"Yale not what you expected?"
She shook her head, turning her neck to look at him from where she was seated on the couch. "I'm not enjoying the classes as much as I should be. It's a lot harder than I expected. I mean, I should be in my element – surrounded by intelligent, like-minded people, but I just find a lot of them pompous."
"That doesn't surprise me." Jess said, shrugging, "Your favourite date was when we'd sit outside Chilton and make fun of the rich pricks."
She huffed out a slight laugh, but continued on without much more of a reaction, "Some days I just want to give up."
Her words cut him. His own voice, uttering those same words pounded through his mind.
"You want to drop out of Yale?"
"Maybe, I've been thinking about maybe-"
"-Are you kidding?"
She jumped back at his biting words. "I, uh, no? I just want to-"
"No." Jess interrupted her firmly.
"What?"
"No." He said again, "No, Rory. Just no. You're not going to give up just because you've hit a rough patch. Just because the reality of it is a bit clouded compared to your dreamt utopia."
"That's not what's going on."
"It is. I know how you think, Rory. You have such unrealistic expectations – I should know. I've been victim of it."
He let his words settle and could see the moment her anger dispersed into something else.
"People are flawed. You are flawed. Your studies, your profession – nothing is perfect, nor capable of giving you complete happiness- it's unfair to expect it to."
There were a few moments of blissful silence where Rory seemed to consider him with such a deep scrutiny that Jess wanted to follow through with his plan of hiding away and just jump into the bed a few feet from him and pull the cover over his head.
"I'm sorry." She said eventually. It came out so sincere, so understanding. It was clear that she was apologising for more than her idiotic thoughts – but Jess was certain that he didn't want to know exactly what she was attempting to make amends for.
"Will you stop apologising?" He asked quietly, pathetically. His voice barely a whisper.
"But I am." She insisted, "You're right – I mean, of course you're right."
There was a few moments where they both stopped to allow her admission to sink in when Rory's eyes widened and she seemed to scramble away from him like he'd shocked her with a particularly fierce static.
"God – look at me!" She exclaimed, "I'm complaining about my life and I have absolutely no right. You're suffering so much more than I can ever imagine."
Jess huffed. "Just because I'm fucked up doesn't mean your struggles are any less valid."
"But God, my problems must seem pathetic."
"I'd rather we didn't turn this into a discussion about my problem. I already have a professional therapist – I don't need an amateur one."
"Right, yeah. Of course."
Jess was saved from any more awkward skirting around the topic by Luke opening the door cautiously and looking between the two of them on the sofa with an eyebrow raised and with careful movements. When he saw there distanced from each other – on either ends of the sofa, he seemed to settle.
"You mom is waiting for you, Ror."
"Right okay," Rory stood up and awkwardly skirted past Luke, "Good talk, Jess." She lifted a hand in a wave, seemed to consider her actions, and then dropped it just as quickly, "– uh – Bye." She left quickly, her hurried footsteps audible from the apartment as she rushed back down to the diner.
Jess leant forward, groaning, letting his head fall into his waiting palms – rubbing them over his face.
"You alright mate?" Luke took a step further into the room, unsure of his nephew's frustration.
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Don't worry about me, Luke."
Jess waved him off, standing up and making his way to his bed, collapsing into it in his clothes and dragging the duvet over his head. He let out a loud and satisfied sigh before melting into the sheets.
"Right." Luke said, the words dripping sarcasm, "You're fine."
Luke left the apartment door open so he could hear Jess moving about when, or if, he eventually did, and returned to the diner.
Jess tried to utter those three words to himself again later that evening.
He was back under the covers ten minutes later, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I don't think the pills are working. He hasn't gotten out of that bed for three days." Luke was pacing in the diner, he'd closed the doors a while a go for some privacy – but it didn't stop a few of the townsfolk from cupping their hands over their eyes and peering into the establishment. He could hear their loud complaints at his closure, but he didn't give them any mind.
"It'll take a few months for there to be a noticeable change, Mr Danes."
Luke grunted, turning his back on Kirk's face pressed against the glass. "Well he's not doing well – this is the longest he's ever done this. He was doing so well and now its like he's worse than ever."
"Would you like to escalate the meeting? I can get a judge of his current state and determine if he needed to be sectioned."
"Sectioned?"
"Yes, Mr Danes. If I have reason to believe that Jess is planning on harming himself any more than I may have to coordinate constant monitoring that is only available in hospital."
"I don't think sectioning will be necessary – he's not out of control."
"It's not about being out of control. This is a disease, Mr Danes. Sometimes it needed hospital treatment just as much as any other physical ailment."
Luke nodded on the other side of the phone, but didn't say anything. His worry for the boy was gnawing on him. Jess hadn't been able to get out of bed of his own accord. He was only remembering to eat when Luke put a plate of food in front of him. He'd sleep all day. And when he was awake he may as well be sleeping – he just looked at nothing, his eyes haunted.
Luke wasn't sure if Rory was to blame for his sudden dip in depression, but Luke found himself blaming her all the same. She was the last one to speak to him before he went through the worst of his 'non-days' as Luke had taken to coining them.
"Mr Danes?" Doctor Marshall prompted him, "I can book him in for a session this evening – do you think you'll be able to convince him out of bed?"
Luke huffed, looking up at the ceiling where he knew Jess had buried himself under his blanket. "I haven't been successful yet, but I can try."
"That's all I ask Mr Danes. If you are unsuccessful then I'd like you to ring me back, we can figure out something."
"Thank you, Doctor. Thank you."
"I will see you soon, Mr Danes."
Luke hung up the receiver, fumbling with the cord and attempted to ignore the citizens of Stars Hollow who were crowding around the entrance. After an embarrassingly long time lingering at the bottom of the stairs trying to convince himself to head up, he eventually sat at the foot of Jess' bed and rested his hand over the teenagers' ankle – trying to get his attention away from the ceiling.
"Jess?"
The boy hummed, acknowledging him.
"I think we should go back to Doctor Marshall."
"My appointment isn't for another few days." Jess responded blankly.
"She's booked in one for this evening."
That seemed to get the teenagers' attention. "You rang her?" Jess somehow managed to sound offended at Luke's concern.
"Jesus, Jess. I've been worried. You've barely moved for three days."
Jess looked down then, avoiding Luke's eye and pulling at the dirty shirt he'd be wearing the past few days. "I've got it handled."
"Well, you obviously don't." Luke replied with as much sass as the boy had put in. Luke sighed, rubbing his hand over the boys' ankle soothingly, "Please Jess, do it for the sake of my sanity."
Jess groaned, falling back into the covers and running a hand over his head. "Yeah," Jess said, "Yeah, okay."
Jess showered. Luke lingered outside the closed door, close by and unable to leave him alone – images of the red stained bathroom flashing in his eyes and making him paranoid at each unusual noise in the room.
Jess dressed. Luke pottered around the kitchen, making Jess a sandwich and and grabbing a bottle of water for the boy to drink before they left – knowing that the teenager had been neglecting his own appetite for his few days of basic comatose.
Jess ate. Luke herded them out of the apartment and down the stairs, leading the boy towards the back entrance so he wouldn't have to deal with their perpetually nosy neighbours that Luke was slowly started to despise.
Their drive to the office was silent. Jess had his head leant against the window, his eyes closed and his grey jumper pulled around him like a blanket. He looked ill. He looked physically ill – and Luke's worry was starting to take over his every thought.
Doctor Marshall greeted them at reception, herded Jess into the room and shut the door. Luke collapsed into the waiting chairs and let out a breath, his tense energy leaving with the action – and Luke felt like he'd just avoided a disaster.
The magazine he'd picked up rustled in his grip – Luke simply opted to ignore his perpetually shaking hands.
"Where were you before you moved back in with your Uncle?"
"Before he dragged me from the toilet seat and back into the arms of Stars Hollow, you mean?"
She didn't seem to appreciate his darker humour. He cleared his throat, readjusted in his seat, and answered her question. "I was back in New York."
"Living with your mother?"
"Oh, no." He laughed outright at the absurdity, "She's off with TJ on this Renaissance Fayre for the majority of the year – they sold their place in the city."
"So you were living by yourself?"
"I had room-mates – but mostly, yeah."
"Did you enjoy it?"
He hesitated. He knew he was meant to be telling the truth in the sessions – but it didn't mean that it was easy. "Not really?"
She stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue to talk and fill the silence. He was well aware of the technique, having read about it as soon as he knew he would be in consistent therapy, but he had to admit it was very effective.
"The place I lived in was kind of shit? It was perpetually cold, there was mould growing on the ceiling, and my mattress had this smell that would linger no matter how many new sheets I bought to cover it." He explained, "And I'd gotten used to the quiet."
"What do you mean?"
He hesitated, pulling at his finger nails while he tried to plan out his words before he spoke. "For as long as I can remember I have had to have some kind of noise to get to sleep – and easy prerogative in New York with the fact the city never sleeps. But in Stars Hollow it was torturous. I think I went days without actually sleeping when I first arrived – I'd end up wandering around the town at night and then usually end up pulling something, pranks and stuff, just for the lack of anything else to do. I used to blast some music – which I knew would drive Luke crazy but I didn't really have another option."
"What changed?"
"I don't really know." He admitted, "Luke had gone to Lorelai's to help fix something or other – Lorelai is Luke's now girlfriend, she wasn't at the time,"
The therapist nodded her head, "I remember, please continue."
"Anyway, I remember being sat in the apartment next to the window – I was basically leaning fully out of it because Luke didn't want me smoking in the apartment but I really needed one. Half of my body was hanging out of this window, and I just kind of listened."
He threw himself back into the memory and let himself remember what it felt like – when he came to the conclusion that he had found peace in that whack-job town.
"Silence used to be the first sign of trouble in New York – it was the first sign of something inherently wrong. It took a while for me to get used to it, I suppose. To get used to silence meaning the mundane again. But it wasn't completely silent, you know. I could hear people talking further down the street. I could hear someone's television blaring in the building next door. I could hear the birds – and god it felt like such a long time since I could just hear birds."
"And now that you're back? Do you find the quiet comforting?"
"I can hear myself think – and I'm not particularly sure if that's a good thing any more."
"You're not able to listen if you can't hear." She said.
"As inspiring as that is, I'd say that the deaf would find that pretty insulting."
"How about you suspend disbelief for once in your life, Jess."
Jess shrugged.
"How did you find the little homework I gave you?"
He was hoping she wouldn't ask.
"Yeah, fine." He shrugged, avoiding her eye.
She looked dubious. He wasn't sure he would be able to get away with it.
"Would you mind demonstrating?" She gestured to the mirror on the far wall.
Of course he wouldn't get away with it.
He stood up, pulling down his shirt and cleared his throat as he made his way to mirror. He could see her watching him. She obviously knew that he had been lying and was curious to see how far he would take it.
He looked at himself in the mirror and immediately cringed at his own appearance. He knew then that he wouldn't be able to say it. "I -" He stuttered, "I can't."
"Have you managed at all, Jess?"
He swallowed hard, unable to look away from himself. "No. No I haven't."
"I understand that this is hard – but you have to understand why I want you to do this."
"I'm not a child! I know why you want me to do this. I know the kind of psychological effect it's meant to have – but that doesn't make it any easier to do."
"I know you're not a child, Jess. But you need to get over this hurdle before you can progress. I can't help you if you refuse to put in the effort."
"I'm putting in the effort. You don't understand how much I am trying. I just – I just can't."
"Jess -"
Jess couldn't stand there any longer. He knew, objectively, that she was trying to help – that he was being difficult. But he just felt so trapped in that moment. So cornered that he had to get out of there – he had to leave. He shook his head at her and bolted out of the room, only vaguely aware of her shouts after him and Luke's equally confused calls.
When he got outside he stopped, leaning against the brick and breathed. He felt nauseous. His head was pounding and his eyes were stinging. And he felt nauseous.
He leant his palms against his knees and shook. His whole body shook and he couldn't help the whine that escaped him at the desperation of it all – he constantly felt on edge. On some great precipice and he couldn't stop it.
"Jess?"
Jess managed to pull himself together with remarkable speed. He pushed himself off of the wall and used the momentum to cast himself toward the truck – hopping in and waiting for his uncle to follow.
Luke did just that, slipping into the truck with a bounce and fiddled with the keys.
"What happened, Jess?"
"Nothing, Luke. Can we just go?"
Luke deliberated. He fumbled with the keys – but rather than turn the ignition he just settled back with his hands in his lap and asked the question again.
"I don't want to talk about it, Luke."
"I'm not going to move until we sort this, Jess."
Jess grumbled, adjusting in his seat, before he eventually undid his seatbelt, opened the door, and started walking off.
"Wha-" Luke pushed out of the truck and jogged to catch up to the boy. "Good. We're walking, I have an extra 3 hours to get you to speak."
"Jesus Christ, Luke. Just leave me alone."
"If you think I'm going to leave you alone right now, you must be stupid."
"I'm not a fucking invalid, Luke. Just because I'm a bit angry doesn't mean I'm going to slit my wrists."
"How would I know?" Luke demanded, trying to stay a step ahead of the boy, walking backwards so he'd be forced to look at him, "How would I know, Jess? I could let you leave and that would be the last time I see you."
Jess stopped, leaning up a tree and letting his head fall back and get stuck to the bark. "I hate this."
Luke waited, standing in front of him, adjusting his cap before putting hands in his pockets. "What happened, Jess? Do we need to change shrinks?"
"No. No." Jess reassured. "It's stupid. Its me."
Luke just waited for the boy – and it was easy to tell he was cracking from the way his hand immediately went to the hair on top of his head, and a small huff escaped his mouth.
"I had an 'assignment'" His words pitched at assignment – showing his indignation for the homework, "She told me to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I am valued. That I am worth something."
"And you couldn't do it."
"Yeah," Jess laughed humourlessly, "How pathetic right? I can't even tell myself that I mean something in this fucking world. I couldn't even get the words out."
Luke took some time before answering. He knew that what he was about to say could make the boy extremely uncomfortable, but he decided that it was necessary. "I do."
Jess snorted, slipping his head off of the tree, ignoring the way it pulled on the small hairs on the back of his head, "You do what?"
"I value you." Luke said, shrugging his shoulders in an ultimate show of nonchalance.
That threw Jess off. He stumbled forward at the declaration and didn't know what to do with himself. "You – uh – what?"
"Jess, you're my nephew. I don't say this enough, or at all, but of course I value you. You're the best thing to happen to this family in decades – you're the smartest Danes I've ever encountered and I am proud to be your Uncle."
Neither Uncle, nor Nephew, were particularly used to outright affection – the vulnerability that followed made them tenser than they ever felt keeping everything in.
But Luke knew that changes had to be made. If Jess honestly believed that he meant nothing – then it was up to Luke to change that.
"Even if right now you don't feel like yourself. Or you don't value yourself – or think you're worth any form of effort. I will always be here okay? I will always think the world of you as though you were my own son. If you ever doubt that, then I just want to come to me, okay? Come to me and I'll listen."
Jess didn't know what to do. He felt his fingers shake and his head shake and the tears he'd kept in start to fall. And suddenly he was wrapped in his Uncles arms while he sobbed into his shoulder and he wasn't sure how he had gotten there.
"One step at a time, Mate."