AN: An other chapter done for you guys! i have been exhausted from my new job over the last two weeks. I hope to find some time to write this week so i don't let you wait again for two weeks ...

Chapter 5 Letting Finn Go

Derek had definitely been right I had too much tequila shots I was having a big hangover. Izzie stayed around for most of the day but had gone back to her dorm room before diner. Liam had been a good sport today with keeping himself occupied and he had a really long nap. To be fair he looked exhausted when I picked him up from Matt and Kathrin.

When I arrive at Matt and Kathrin's apartment I can see from their faces that they had a hard night. "It looks like we all had a party last night." I joke but Kathrin doesn't look amused. Apparently Liam had woken up a few times trough the night and had screamed his head off for hours. As I walk in to the living room Liam is noticing me and starts crying again. "Oh my poor little boy did you miss your mommy?" I ask him as I pick him up giving him a big cuddle and rubbing his back trying to sooth him after a few big hiccups he settles down. As I turn around I say "next time this happens just call me and I will come and get him." " We didn't want to ruin your night out." Matt replies with an apologetic smile.

I am getting a little bit annoyed in this moment. Yes it would have sucked to go home early and pick up Liam. But something had clearly upset him and he wouldn't settle down. And I wasn't there to sooth him. The person he trusts and relies on wasn't there for him and I felt like I failed him. Wondering if I was becoming my mother. I promised myself never to turn in to my mother. I quickly push the thought out of my head because I know I am a good mother. I had sacrificed a lot for him. I didn't leave him with some stranger babysitter or a nanny. She had left him in the care of someone who really loved him. This was just a new situation for him and he just needed to adjust. We all needed to adjust to the new situation. I place Liam down in his stroller and pack up his nappy bag. I say "Thank you for watching him, he will get used to it and maybe now he knows mommy is coming back to get him. I will drop him off before class on Tuesday but not sure what time it is so I will call you tomorrow." As I walk to the subway Liam falls asleep exhausted after his first sleepover with grandma and grandpa I hope it will go better the next time!

I had tried to do some homework but that didn't go well with the hangover I was having. I had ended up on the couch with Izzie watching a surgical tape about an appendectomy I had seen it over a hundred times already and knew the procedure by heart. I had even watched it from an OR gallery. Izzie was looking at it like it was the most exciting and amazing thing in the world.

After dinner I decided to give Liam a bath I hadn't give him a bath on Saturday cause mommy was to fast and stopped him from splashing his food everywhere. Much to Liam dislike. I think I was making the connection with splashing his food around and having a bath. He starts the giggle and kick his feet when I take him with me to the bathroom. Running the hot water in the baby tub. I was sort of jealous at him for getting a bath. There was no space for a bath in my bathroom and showers were not as relaxing as a bath. I haven't had a bath in a long time. And I craved it so much when I was pregnant with him. I sit him in the tub and give him some toys and we start to play with the duckies. He is making lots of different noises and I can't wait for him to start saying mommy. I start soaping his hair with babyshampoo. Being very careful not to get it in his eyes. Liam is pointing and babbling to the boat on the other side of the tub. I reach for it and sail it to him making a boat engine sound. Liam is trying to mimic me but all he can manage is his car sound. After getting the soap out of his hair and soaping his tiny body I take him out of the tub that always results in kicking and screaming. I wrap him in a towel and place him on his changing table. Putting on his bodylotion and his nappy. Deciding to just leave him in his nappy for a while so the lotion can get in to his skin. It was warm enough in the apartment anyway. I sit down on the couch and put my legs up and place Liam with his back against my upper thigh. I as I stare into his blue eyes. I play peek a boo with him and he starts to giggle every time I come out of hiding from behind my hands. I can see he is getting tired so we go back to his room and put on his jammies. As I sit down in the rocking chair I get the Peter Rabit book out and start with the first story.

Once upon a time there were four little Rabbits, and their names were: Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter.
They lived with their Mother in a sand-bank, underneath the root of a very big fir-tree.

"Now, my dears," said old Mrs. Rabbit one morning, "you may go into the fields or down the lane, but don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor."

"Now run along, and don't get into mischief. I am going out."

Then old Mrs. Rabbit took a basket and her umbrella, and went through the wood to the baker's. She bought a loaf of brown bread and five currant buns.

Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail, who were good little bunnies, went down the lane to gather blackberries;

But Peter, who was very naughty, ran straight away to Mr. McGregor's garden, and squeezed under the gate!

First he ate some lettuces and some French beans; and then he ate some radishes;

And then, feeling rather sick, he went to look for some parsley.

But round the end of a cucumber frame, whom should he meet but Mr. McGregor!

Mr. McGregor was on his hands and knees planting out young cabbages, but he jumped up and ran after Peter, waving a rake and calling out, "Stop thief."

Peter was most dreadfully frightened; he rushed all over the garden, for he had forgotten the way back to the gate.

He lost one of his shoes among the cabbages, and the other shoe amongst the potatoes.

After losing them, he ran on four legs and went faster, so that I think he might have got away altogether if he had not unfortunately run into a gooseberry net, and got caught by the large buttons on his jacket. It was a blue jacket with brass buttons, quite new.

Peter gave himself up for lost, and shed big tears; but his sobs were overheard by some friendly sparrows, who flew to him in great excitement, and implored him to exert himself.

Mr. McGregor came up with a sieve, which he intended to pop upon the top of Peter; but Peter wriggled out just in time, leaving his jacket behind him.

And rushed into the toolshed, and jumped into a can. It would have been a beautiful thing to hide in, if it had not had so much water in it.

Mr. McGregor was quite sure that Peter was somewhere in the toolshed, perhaps hidden underneath a flower- pot. He began to turn them over carefully, looking under each.

Presently Peter sneezed— "Kertyschoo!" Mr. McGregor was after him in no time,

And tried to put his foot upon Peter, who jumped out of a window, upsetting three plants. The window was too small for Mr. McGregor, and he was tired of running after Peter. He went back to his work.

I am half way trough the story and I see Liam's eye fall shut sucking slowly on his dummy. Placing him into his crib and saying Night, night I love you to him I shut of the light and go back into the living room. Looking at the clock I can see I have 30 min till Derek will call. And I can feel butterflies in my stomach when I think of him. I haven't felt them for a while. Grabbing my biology book of the side table and just started reading. This is how I kept up with pre med last year just reading my study book every time I had a free minute.

It was nine on the dot when my phone started ringing. I put my biology textbook back on the side table and I flick open my phone. Put it to my ear and I say "Hi, Derek" with a smile. "Hi Meredith, how is your hangover going?" He answers.

"Oh well you know how hangovers go". I reply with a huff. "You were so right about me being sorry in the morning." I can hear him chuckle into the phone. "So not a very productive day than." He asks. "No not at all." "I was planning to do some studying but I ended up watching surgical tapes on the couch with my friend the whole afternoon." I reply.

"Surgical tapes, did I hear that right?" He asked with humour in his voice

"Yes Surgical tapes." I reply.

"Why would you want to watch surgical tapes?" He asks surprised.

"Well, I am in pre med you know with the dream to become a surgeon one day. Didn't I tell you last night?" I say to him starting to giggle.

"No you didn't." He chuckles. "You were chatty but I don't think you mentioned your dream of becoming a surgeon. I think you were on a role because you were rambling the whole time what was kind of cute."

You think I am cute? I can feel my cheeks turning red, good thing Derek can't see my right now. I start to panic a little bit as well. O my god what did I tell him last night? I couldn't remember.

"I never said you are cute I said your rambling is cute." He says.

"Oh." I say a little bit deflated.

Than he says: "Your are the most beautiful woman I have seen."

"Oh you are such a sweet talker aren't you? Are you trying to get laid?" I say half smiling in to the phone trying to sound defensive.

"No I am not trying to get laid Meredith. I am just trying to get to know you." He says with a sigh.

My name sounded so sexy coming out of his mouth. I am trying to push the dirty thoughts out of my mind.

"So…" Derek starts. "Do you want to go for coffee tomorrow?"

"Uhmm… Sure, I have classes till 2." I say and than the rambling begins: "And I know this really nice coffee shop close to campus. But I am sure you don't want to be seen with a nineteen year old so close to campus. I can hear Derek chuckle and than he cuts me short. "Meredith breath." He says. "Two is fine just text me the address and I will meet you there." "Oke." I giggle. "I will see you tomorrow at two than. Bye Derek see you tomorrow." "Bye Meredith see you tomorrow." He says.

I have a big smile on my face when I place my phone next to me on the couch. I am having a date with Derek tomorrow. Liam goes to day care anyway so I will pick him up after the coffee date. As I practically skip to my bedroom I have a quick look in Liam's room he is fast asleep. Lying in bed I turn to my nightstand and look at Finn before I close my eyes.

Meredith's Dream:

I am looking over the New York harbour looking at the ferry's going to Staten Island. Finn and I loved to ride the ferryboats in Boston. Just holding each other and looking over the water. I can feel somebody is looking at me and I turn my head to the side and see a figure walking towards me. A figure I know so well. Out of instinct I start running towards it.

When I reach him I am closing my arms around his body and burry my face in the crook of his neck. And I start sobbing. I miss you so much! I hiccup. Oh Mer baby I miss you too. I look up into his eyes. His big beautiful perfect eyes. But Mer it is time to let me go. You need to move on. Liam needs you to be happy. You have not been happy for a while now Mer.

I know Finn was right since the summer I was sort of depressed. "I just don't want to let you go." I say to him very firmly. He is brushing some hair out of my face. He goes on: "I will always have a place in your heart and I know you will never forget me. But you have your whole life ahead of you and you need to let someone else in. Liam needs a father figure in his life at one point." He stops for a moment to let it all sink in than he goes on: "That guy you met the other day looks lovely. Just give it a go and see what it brings. Figure it out in time but don't let me hold you back I want you to be happy." I can feel myself starting to smile when Finn refers to Derek. "See that is the smile I want to see on your beautiful face." He says. I am scared I confess to Finn. "What if I let him in and Liam gets attached and then we break up because it is not working?"

"Don't introduce Liam right away give yourself some time to get to know the guy and if everything feels good you make the decisions of letting him in in our sons life!" he answers. I smile even more when I hear him say "our son". I know Finn is right.

Just promise me one thing: "Don't let Liam forget who his father is." He looks heartbroken. Oh Finn I will never let Liam forget who his farther is. I promise. Putting my hands on his heart.

Than he holds me tight for a moment and gives me a last kiss on my forehead and he starts to back away. I feel my heart breaking in a thousand pieces again. I yell for him to come back but he keeps backing away. I can see him mouthing: "I love you" And than he is gone. And I am alone again looking at the ferryboats. I always had a thing for ferryboats.