ONE FIST MAN 2:
PIERCE THE HEAVENS WITH YOUR DICK
Written by Christopher Rangel
Solidus Snake had called Saitama to his office. From the sound of his voice on the telephone, it sounded like it was urgent. Saitama burst into his office.
"What's wrong sir?" Saitama asked.
"Have you seen the Internet's Master Pornstar Stats (IMPS)?" asked Solidus Snake.
"I was on top last I checked, why?"
"Come here, lad", Solidus said, beckoning Saitama to his side. After looking at the computer screen, Saitama covered his mouth with his one hand.
"I'm... I'm number 2", said Saitama. "How can this be?"
"Saitama, I hate to say it... but I think the people think you're a one trick pony. I mean, really, how many times can one just watch a guy fist other people before it starts to get old? Surely, you can do other things."
"I... I..." Saitama stuttered, "I never had any sort of sexual experience with another person until I fisted you the first day I came here! And even then, it was just a punch; I just did what I knew how to do!"
"Jesus Christ", said Solidus. "We're in deeper trouble than I thought."
"What's his name?" asked a panicked Saitama. "Who is the usurper?"
"His name..." began Solidus Snake, "is Kamina. I'm scrolling through his page now. He's done everything, and he's done it all well, with supreme confidence."
"Kamina..." said Saitama. "From Gurren Lagann?"
"Yes", said Solidus.
"Its hopeless", said Saitama, "I'm just a one fisted fister. There's no way I can out-fuck Kamina."
Solidus Snake put a comforting hand on Saitama's shoulder. "All is not lost, my boy", said Solidus. "I think I know a friend who can help you train. He's a baldman, like you, so you two should get along fine. Together, you two can stop Hentaidotcom from sinking into obscurity. You can go home for now and rest up; expect him in about a week." Saitama nodded and trudged his way home.
ONE WEEK LATER
There was a knocking at Saitama's door. Filled with trepidation, Saitama made his way to it and opened it.
"Celebrity pornstar Johnny Sins?" said a surprised Saitama. "You're the Baldman that Solidus meant to said."
"Yep", said Johnny Sins. He was wearing a t-shirt with a lotus on it (See RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). "He said you might need some help learning how to fuck right."
"Uh, yeah", said Saitama. Just then a crowd of female pornstars burst into Saitama's appartment.
"Well", said Johnny Sins, "I've come here with some other members of The Goddess of Sex's harem to help show you how its done."
"D... do you really think you can help me out?"
"Did you hear me when I said 'Goddess of Sex's harem?'"
"Right", said Saitama, and so they all had an orgy. If Saitama ever resorted to fisting one of the pornstars, Johnny Sins would punch him in the face. But Saitama was having a hard time; his dick was only average size, while the most successful male pornstars had really big dicks, and Kamina's was a monster! But as he put his dick into the vaginas of the pornstars (and Johnny Sins's butthole a few times), they all assured him that he was doing fine. But he really needed himself a glass of water, so he said "hey, I gotta go get a glass of water."
"Okay", said Johnny Sins, "That just about wraps today's session anyways. See you in a couple of days."
"Alright", said Saitama, and he got himself a glass of water. He looked out the window while he drank his water. He wanted to go for a walk; it was really nice outside, and not even sex is better than a walk outside, even when you're having sex with like a hundred pornstars including Johnny Sins. So Saitama went outside.
Things had changed after The Villain's return. Rumors were spreading about people that killed other people, took their skin, and slipped into the lives of their victims to claim more victims. He had heard Professor Layton refer to them as Skinwalkers in one of his public service announcements (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE). But that all just sounded like bogus to Saitama, so he didn't pay it much attention.
Saitama saw a crowd of people in the village center, gathered around someone who was yelling really loudly about stuff. He approached the group. Saitama pushed his way to the front of the crowd, and his jaw dropped. Kamina was fucking Yuna from Final Fantasy X in the ass right in the middle of the street, muttering "Who the hell do you think I am" before slapping here on the ass. Everyone was all like "Whoa, I've never seen anyone fuck that good before." Saitama grew angry, but nonetheless watched to see how he did it.
"Its incredible", thought Saitama. "I don't know how he does it."
Kamina pulled out of Yuna's butthole and hosed the audience down with a massive load of jizz, yelling "FUUUUCCCCKKK!" as he came. He shook the last drops of semen from his dick and pulled up his pants. "That's right, people, when they talk about the internet's badass number one pornstar, their talking about me, THE MIGHTY KAMINA!" The audience applauded.
"I don't know!" yelled Saitama, "You seem pretty shit to me!" Kamina frowned and turned to Saitama, then smirked when he realized who he was.
"Well, who the hell do you think I am?" said Kamina, "Being talked down to by the, oh, number two pornstar on the internet. Sorry, buddy, last I checked number 2 was the number of shit." Everyone laughed, and Saitama became angrier. He clenched his fist. "What do you intend on doing with that fist?" Kamina pulled his sword from his sheath a little, exposing the Valyrian Steel. "Don't you remember how you lost your other hand?" Saitama turned around and pushed his way out of the crowd, shamefully.
"That's right buddy! Get the hell outta here! Shitty number 2 asshole buttfuck fisting fucker of dogs!" Kamina yelled.
"Kamina! Kamina! Kamina!" the audience cheered.
As Saitama walked back home, he passed a restaurant that was playing "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay. "I used to rule the world, Seas would rise when I gave the word, Now in the morning I sleep alone, Sweep the streets I used to own"
"I fuckin' hate Coldplay", said Saitama as he opened the door to his apartment building. Once in his apartment, he threw himself onto his couch and cried into his pillow for like an hour. "NO NO NO!" he screamed. "ITS NOT FAIR!" He threw the pillow at the wall and, unsure of what to do next, turned on the television. He wanted to some quality mind draining shit, so he put on "Days of our Lives" or some shitty soap opera like that, but the stories on the characters in that show just made him feel sadder. Hanging above the television was a picture of him and Genos, his arm around his shoulder. Saitama couldn't take it anymore. He threw the television remote at the picture and it fell behind the television.
"Fucking dead Genos", said Saitama. "Fucking Kamina! Fuck you Kamina!" He started stumbling around his apartment, knocking things over and making a general fuss. Then he stood in the mirror in the bathroom and looked at himself. He was a mess, and he had no hope left. Slowly, he brought his fist up to his temple. "Just one punch", said Saitama, "One punch and its all over..." He drew back his fist to deliver his final blow, when all of a sudden he heard the sound of the door to his apartment being barged open. He heard a lot of footsteps behind him, and when he turned back around he saw Shadow the Hedgehog standing there, arms crossed, with an entire brigade of armed men standing behind him.
"This the guy?" said one of the goons.
"It sure is", said Shadow the Hedgehog.
"But he's just a fuckin' Baldman", said another one of the goons.
"Yeah, a Baldman with one fuckin' arm!" shouted another goon.
"That arm is one of the most powerful weapons in the Universe", said Shadow. "It would be useful for the Skinwalker cause."
"Hey, who the fuck are you guys?" asked Saitama.
"Doesn't matter", said Shadow the Hedgehog. "You're coming with us, or I'mma order my men to shoot the shit out of you. Do you want that?"
Just then there was a scream from the apartment's main room.
"What the fuck was that?" asked one of the goons before he was impaled through the chest with a sword.
"Wha..." said another goon before that same sword lopped off his head.
"Shit!" said Shadow the Hedgehog, and he teleported the fuck outta there. The owner of the sword stepped out from behind the corner. It was Kamina!
"What the fuck?!" exclaimed Saitama. "Why did you save me?" Kamina smirked, then left the apartment without saying a word. Saitama looked at the vacant doorway, befuddled...
ONE WEEK LATER
Saitama entered Solidus Snake's office. Solidus sat at his desk, serenely sitting back in his chair. Johnny Sins leaned against the left wall, arms crossed and a smirk on his face.
"You're doing it!" said Solidus. "You're not number one yet, but your popularity is creeping its way up. And at a faster rate than Kamina's popularity, too!"
"No shit!" said Saitama, a relieved sigh escaping his mouth.
"I told you you could do it, man", said Johnny Sins.
"Thanks, dude", said Saitama.
"Hey, us Baldmen gotta look out for each other, don't we?!" Johnny Sins. "Well, Solidus, I think my work here is done. The Goddess of Sex has been missing me, so I think I gotta go home now."
"As you will", said Solidus Snake. Johnny Sins got into the Yoga Lotus Pose, and disappeared in a cloud of flowers.
"You know", said Solidus, "I think I know what might bump you all the way up to one."
"What is it?" asked Saitama.
"I received a message from Kamina's agent at Manwaifudotnet. Guy called Cool Satano. Says Kamina wants to do a video with you."
"Really?" said Saitama. He was starting to feel anxious.
"Yeah. Apparently he feels bad about something, and he wants to bury the hatchet between your asscheeks. What do you say?" said Solidus Snake.
"Yeah", said Saitama. "Fuck yeah. I'll use every skill that I've learned. This is what all of my training has been leading towards. He'll be fucked like he's never been fucked before!"
"That's the spirit!" said Solidus. "I'll get back to Cool Satano right away!"
ONE MONTH LATER
The day had arrived. Saitama was already hard as he walked through the studio doors. Kamina was sitting on a bench, waiting for Saitama's arrival. When he walked through the door, he stood up and walked towards Saitama. Saitama blushed as Kamina put his hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, man", said Kamina, "Sorry about the shit I said that day in the village square."
"Pfft," said Saitama, "No hard feelings."
"Alright", said Solidus Snake. "So in this scene, you two will be playing characters with the same names as yourselves; Saitama and Kamina. Kamina, you just desperately want to fuck Saitama up the butthole, but Saitama is shy because he's never been with a guy before. Alright, get on the other side of that door, Kamina, and we can get this scene started!"
"Alright!" said Kamina, and he got on the other side of that door.
"Action", said Solidus Snake.
Saitama was sitting on his couch when there was a knocking at the door. He got up and opened it. Standing there was Kamina!
"Hey, mind if I come in?" asked Kamina.
"Sure", said Saitama. He stepped inside and made for the couch. Saitama looked at him, concerned.
"Everything alright, dude?" Saitama asked.
"No, unfortunately not", said Kamina.
"What's wrong?" asked Saitama.
Kamina sighed. "That BITCH Ellen DeGeneres is cheating on me! With another woman!"
"Holy shit!" said Saitama. "Sorry man, that sucks real hard. Any way I can help?"
Kamina turned to Saitama. "Maybe you can suck real hard."
"Whoa!" said Saitama. "I've never been with a man before. I'm not sure I... alright, I'll do it. This is what friends are for, right?"
"Right", said Kamina, and he took off his pants, letting his massive dongus wave around in the open air.
"Whoa", said Saitama, "I didn't know they came this large!" and he started sucking on Kamina's dick. The warmth of his manhood felt good in Saitama's mouth.
"Holy shit", said Kamina. "Fist me while you do that." Saitama nodded, and slowly and lovingly inserted his fist into Kamina's butthole while he kept sucking his dick. Kamina moaned in pleasure, turning Saitama on greatly.
"Fuck me", said Kamina. "I know that your dick is the dick that will pierce the heavens."
"Okay", said Kamina. Saitama took Kamina from behind, and together they entered a realm of true pleasure...
ONE WEEK LATER
Saitama and Kamina were hanging around in a sportsbar, watching the Anime Fight Championship on a television.
"Whoa!" they yelled as Goku shot a hole through Astro Boy's chest. Kamina looked down at his phone.
"No way!" shouted Kamina.
"What?" asked Saitama. Kamina showed his phone to Saitama. "Whoa, we're tied for first place!"
"Let's keep it that way!" said Kamina, raising his beer. "Number One IMPs!" Saitama raised his beer.
"Number One IMPs!" Saitama repeated. They clinked their beers together and drank up. Then they had the manliest fist bump of all time, and continued watching the game. Together.
FIN