ONE FIST MAN 3:

PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 1: THE PATRON SAINT OF PORNSTARS

HENTAIDOTCOM HQ, LONDON

"Action!" said Solidus Snake. Just like that Misty and Dawn from Pokemon started making out on the small bed and fondling each other's cooters. Solidus Snake filmed it all, ready to put it on the internet to make a little more money. He was having a hard time keeping it in his pants, so he decided to take his pee-pee out of his pants while he filmed.

That was the moment that the door was kicked open.

"EVERYBODY DOWN!" shouted the man in black body armor and protective goggles with the word "SWAT" across his chest. "HANDS IN THE FUCKING AIR! IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!"

U.N. OFFICE, GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

"Obviously, this is a very big problem", said Japan.

"A VERY big problem", said North Italy.

"They're receiving a huge amount of funding from this one source", said Germany. "If we can shut it down, it would deliver a massive blow in our war effort".

"Do you think you can take care of it, United Kingdom?" asked France.

"I... uh..." United Kingdom stuttered.

"Don't waste your time", said China. "U.K.'s pussy ass ain't gonna do jack shit, and the problem is within their own country."

"So who are we going to get on the job?" asked Denmark.

"Me!" came a voice as the doors to the meeting room swung open.

"Donald Trump?" said Germany.

"You betcha", said Donald Trump, a smug smile on his face.

"But why?" asked North Italy. "Your country is an entire ocean away."

"Because I've got some unfinished business with someone", Donald Trump said with a dastardly grin.

LONDON

Kamina had just grabbed himself a bottle of Guiness brand Guiness stout from the fridge and sat himself down at the television.

"This just in!" said the newsman, Anchorman. "Popular pornographic website Hentaidotcom has been shut down today as the website's headquarters were raided by American forces due to possible connections to the Skinwalker regime. Sources say the pornographic website had been contributing a significant portion of their funds to the regime, and that this shutdown is a major victory in the war against the Skinwalkers."

Kamina spilled his Guiness in shock. "Saitama", he said.

"One pornstar associated with Hentaidotcom who goes by the name Saitama is also believed to have some connection to the destruction of the Hero Association Headquarters some time ago. His current whereabouts are currently unknown, but if anyone knows anything about where he is they are encouraged to inform the police as soon as possible."

"Shit", said Kamina. "Don't worry bro, I've always got your back." He looked up at the wall to the framed freezeframe he kept from that time Saitama fucked him in the ass on camera.

"Wait, what the hell are American forces doing here in London? This is outside of their jurisdiction..." he thought for a moment. "Something's not right..."

SOMEWHERE ELSE IN LONDON

Saitama hid in an alleyway. He had just received word from one of the secretaries that Hentaidotcom had been raided.

"What the fuck is happening?" Saitama murmered as he let himself slump against the wall.

"Something terrible for all of us", came a voice. A startled Saitama looked to his left and was relieved to see that the mystery figure in the alley with him was none other than...

"Johnny Sins!" exclaimed Saitama. Johnny Sins nodded with a smile. He was sitting in the lotus position.

"We have to get out of here fast", said Johnny Sins. "Grab onto my dick and I'll take you to the realm of the Goddess of Sex."

"The Goddess of Sex!" exclaimed Saitama. "Alright, let's go." He took a grip of Johnny Sins's cock and the world blinked around him; suddenly they flew through an aether of sweat and pleasure until they found themselves in a misty red room with a crimson staircase leading to an ornate golden door.

"Come on", said Johnny Sins, and they made their way up the stairs.

They walked through the door and found themselves in the throneroom, which was also misty, red, and had a staircase, but this staircase led to a throne instead of a door, so it was different. On platforms on either side of the staircase were an assortment of pornstars, all dressed in red, Greek-like robes. Saitama could recognize Dillion Harper, Mandingo, Riley Reid, James Dean (not the western actor), and Mia Khalifa, among many others. Seated on the crimson throne sat the Goddess of Sex, who appeared to be Velma from Scooby-Doo.

"Your grace", said Johnny Sins, taking the knee, "I have brought you Saitama, just as you requested."

"Very good, my loyal servant", said the Goddess. She stood up, adjusting her glasses, and started descending the staircase, her hips swaying seductively with every step.

"Welcome to my domain", she said. "I am the Goddess LotUS of Sex. Butt you can call me Velma."

"Velma", said Saitama, taking a knee like Johnny Sins. "It is an honor."

"Oh, you don't need to take a knee", said Velma. She made it to the bottom of the staircase and stroked Saitama's cheek. He stood up.

"What is it you need from me, my lady?" asked Saitama.

"I'll tell you that", said Velma. "But first..." she hurled her glasses to the other side of the room then bent over. "My glasses! I can't see without my glasses!" she pulled up her robes over her waist, and while her hands were on the floor, they were not moving. She was not looking for her glasses. Saitama knew what she wanted. He got behind her and stuck his weiner in her pussy hole and and began inserting his fist into her butthole.

"Ooh", she said, trying to keep her voice steady as Saitama thrusted into her. "I can see that the legends were true, this is really good!" She started to drool, despite herself. "It is obvious that you're not a Skinwalker either; you're the real deal."

"Aw yeah?" asked Saitama, trying not to nut.

"Yeah", moaned Velma.

Saitama slapped Velma's ass. "What do you want me to do?"

"Oooh, cum inside me, daddy", said Velma.

"Uh, I, uh, I mean I will, but I mean the thing you called me for", said Saitama.

"Oh, right", said the Goddess of Sex. "Come down, dear!" said Velma. Velma and Saitama positioned themselves so that they were facing back towards the staircase. Down from the staircase stepped a pornstar whom Saitama did not recognize.

"This is Stormy Daniels", said Velma. "The Patron Saint of Pornstars."

"Hello Saitama", said Stormy Daniels. "I need your help. As I'm sure you're well aware, your website has been shut down in a raid conducted by the United States government. This is the fault of none other than the president, Donald Trump. What he's told the press is that he's done it to help the efforts against the Skinwalker regime, but that is not his true motive." Stormy Daniels sighed. "You see, many years ago I had an affair with him. Recently, I opened up about that affair, and ever since he's had it out, not just against me, but the entire porn industry. Hentaidotcom was just the beginning; that man will not rest until he has dismantled the porn industry altogether."

"I'm gonna... I'm gonna..." moaned Velma as she continued to be fucked by Saitama.

"Donald Trump knows that I am the Patron Saint of Pornstars", said Stormy Daniels. "Because of that, he has locked your friends up in the White House, an obvious trap."

"Oh fuck", said Saitama as he continued to fuck Velma.

"So I need to bring together a team to accompany me as I break into the White House and take back those prisoners", said Stormy Daniels. "Since you're the only pornstar from Hentaidotcom who hasn't been detained, and since you're such a skilled fighter, I thought you might be a good place to start. Are you in."

"Ooooooh, I'm in, Oooooohhhh", said Saitama as he blew his load into Velma's cooter.

"Fuck!" said Velma.

"I'm glad to hear that!" said Stormy Daniels. "Do you happen to know someone else who can help out?"

"I know just the guy", said Saitama.

Kamina was asleep. But then he wasn't. He woke up when a rock was thrown against his window.

"What the fuck?" he grumbled. He grabbed his sword and walked to the window in the nude. He opened the window and yelled "HEY, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I..."

"Kamina!" shouted Saitama.

"Holy shit, Saitama!" said Kamina. He threw on his pants, cloak, and sunglasses and jumped down to the streets.

"How the Hell are ya, buddy?" Kamina asked. "Everyone and their dog is trying to find you and lock you up!"

"I know", said Saitama. "That's why I'm here. Me and Stormy Daniels here are going to put an end to this. We're going to rescue Solidus and everyone else from the White House and put Donald Trump in his place, clearing our names in the process and saving the porn industry. Are you in?"

"Hell yeah", said Kamina. "Who the hell do you think I am?" Saitama smiled and they did a manly handclasp.

"DON'T MOVE!" came a voice. Suddenly they were surrounded by armed agents. "IN THE NAME OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, YOU ARE ALL UNDER ARREST!" shouted the main guy.

"WE'RE IN LONDON, BITCH!" yelled Kamina, and in a flash he had drawn his sword of Valyrian Steel and cut all of their assault rifles in half.

"Holy fuck!" said one of the soldiers. Kamina grinned.

"VALYRIAN STEEL, MOTHERFUCKERS!" and with that he chopped off all of their arms in one swift motion. "Can't be an army without any arms, now can you?" and then they all ran away screaming in pain and TERROR.

"We must get going", said Stormy Daniels.

"You shall be going nowhere!" came a voice from above them. They looked up and saw a silhouette in the moonlight standing upon the London City Skyline. "Saitama!" it shouted. "Your time has come!" The silhouette drew its sword and leaped off of the building. Saitama turned up slowly and saw the blade coming right for his face. He didn't have any time to react, but thankfully Kamina was there to block the sword with his own sword. The force of the blow was enough to knock back the hood that the mysterious assailant had been wearing, revealing that it was Jon Snow.

"Get out of my way", Jon Snow said to Kamina, still in the air, putting pressure on his opponents sword.

"No way, buddy", said Kamina, flinging Jon Snow into the air with his sword. Jon Snow landed on his feet and faced Kamina.

"Valyrian steel, huh?" said Jon Snow. "This should be fun!" he rushed at Kamina, attacked, was blocked, and went in again.

"You're gonna need to try harder than that!" said Kamina. He leaped into the air, spinning to give Jon Snow a good kick in the jaw. Jon Snow stumbled backwards, so Kamina went in for a finishing stab, only to be tackled by Ghost, Jon Snow's direwolf.

"Shit!" said Kamina.

"You may have a good sword", said Jon Snow, "But direwolves don't give a shit about swords!"

Kamina, his sword dropped, wrestled with Ghost, doing his best to keep the direwolf from ripping out his throat. He managed to throw Ghost off of himself and gave the direwolf a swift kick in the nose, then picked up his sword and charged at Jon Snow again, their blades clashing once more.

"That was cheap", growled Kamina.

"At least I lived", said Jon Snow, and he backflipped away, blasting Kamina with ice magic.

"Dammit!" said Kamina, slashing every icicle that came his way in half.

"Why are you protecting this man?" asked Jon Snow. "Do you know what he's done? He destroyed the Hero Association! He works for a company associated with the Skinwalkers! Goddammit, he probably even is a Skinwalker!"

"That doesn't matter", said Kamina. "Saitama and I are blood brothers now. When two bros fuck each other in the ass, that creates an everlasting bond, and that's the sort of bond that we have, so I won't let you get to him!" they charged at each other again, but just as they were about to strike, the fight was intervened by two white haired strangers who blocked either sword with a sword of their own.

"Stop this fighting now", said the female stranger.

"Or else", said the male stranger.

"And just who the Hell are you?" asked Kamina.

"We're friends of Solidus's", said the female.

"What?" said Saitama. Noticing this, Kamina looked about ready to stand down.

"That doesn't mean shit to me!" said Jon Snow. "The traitor must die!"

"And what will that accomplish?" asked the male stranger. "Don't you know there are bigger problems to deal with?"

"Hmph", said Jon Snow. With that, both Kamina and Jon Snow eased on their swords and put them away.

"You guys know Solidus?" asked Saitama. The female stranger nodded.

"My name is 2B, and this is 9S", said the female stranger.

"Greetings", said 9S.

"We fought alongside Solidus Snake during the HYDRA HOLYMISSILE CRISIS in Vaticanland", began 2B. "We've remained friends with him ever since."

"A while back", began 9S, "Solidus asked us to find and watch over you, Saitama, in the case something happened to him or Hentaidotcom."

"I see", said Saitama. He clenched his Onefist. "And did you guys know that he's in with the Skinwalkers?"

2B and 9S looked at each other. "We had no idea", said 2B.

"It doesn't make any sense", said 9S. "His brother, Solid Snake, was killed by a Skinwalker during the Spongecum Incident. There's no way that he..."

"You don't think he could be a..." began Kamina, but he didn't finish the sentence.

"No", said Saitama. "There's no way."

"We can find all this out when we make it to Washington D.C.", said Stormy Daniels.

"You're heading to America", said Jon Snow.

"Yep", said Saitama. "We're going to get right to the bottom of what's happening in the world right now. If you want to help, you can join us. Otherwise, fuck off."

Jon Snow sighed. "I guess there are more important things to take care of than settling this dispute", said Jon Snow. "I'm in."

"Very good", said Stormy Daniels. "Our ship to America leaves tomorrow. Take these." Stormy Daniels ninja-threw tickets to everyone, and they all caught them. Saitama looked at his ticket.

"S.S. TITANIC"

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump was sitting in the Oval Office, reclining in his chair, feet up on his desk. He yawned and hit the intercom button.

"Yes, Mr. President?" came the voice of his secretary.

"Hi Kathy", said Donald Trump. "You know, waiting for Stormy Daniels to fall into my trap is starting to get boring. Do you think you could get someone to bring Captain America in here so I can put my "Little Donnie" into his poo-hole, ha ha?" There was silence on the other end of the call. "Hello?"

"I'm sorry, sir", said Kathy. "I thought you'd heard. Captain America is dead."

"What?" said Donald Trump. "How?"

"He was stabbed by celebrity vegan John Sakars near the Absorption Gate in Omaha, Nebraska (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")

"Sakars", Donald Trump whispered venomously to himself. "Thank you, Kathy."

"Yes sir", Kathy said, and the call was over. Donald Trump removed his feet from the desk and sat up straight.

"GODDAMMIT!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the desk. He stood up and flipped his desk over. He threw his chair through the window at the back end of the Oval Office, then he walked over to the wall and hit a secret button. The wall folded back, revealing his orange Iron Man suit. "I'm going to fuck someone", he said. "Captain America or not!"

TO BE CONTINUED