TITANIC - 2018
Written by Christopher Rangel
Jack sat at the table with a glass of champagne in one hand while his other hand stayed towards the bolt action pistol he kept holstered at his waist.
"Mind if I sit here, old sport?" asked a man in a suit.
"Sure", said Jack, taking a sip of his champagne. "Why not?"
The man took a seat and extended his hand. "I'm Gatsby", he said. "What's your name?"
"Jack", said Jack, looking around the room disinterestedly.
"Wow", said Gatsby, "Would you have a look at that chandelier?"
"Its a pretty nice chandelier", said Jack, "But not so fair to look at as that girl over there." Gatsby followed his gaze to the girl with the auburn hair who was standing around, looking like she was waiting for someone.
"Wow", said Gatsby. "She's a real knockout."
"Yeah", said Jack, taking another sip of his champagne. "So who's gonna chat her up first, you or me?"
"Ha!" said Gatsby. "My heart already belongs to another, old sport. But I'd be more than happy to be your wingman!"
"Now there's a good friend", said Jack, giving a nod and a smile to Gatsby. He gulped down what was left of his champagne and put it next to the other nine empty glasses. He stood up and said, "As the old Italian plumbers say, 'let's a-go!'"
"Indeed, old sport", said Gatsby. "Indeed..."
The two fast friends made their way through the ballroom, passing between finely dressed individuals, until they made it to the young woman who had caught Jack's eye.
"So", said Jack. "We're on a pretty nice boat, huh?"
"Yeah", said the woman, "it is a pretty nice boat."
"One of the nicest in the world", added Gatsby.
"Yup", said the woman. There was silence. Gatsby coughed.
"So", said Jack, "You come here often?"
The woman laughed. "This is the Titanic's maiden voyage", she said. "Are you fucking stupid?"
"I, uh..." said Jack.
"I'm Gatsby", said Gatsby, extending a hand.
"Nice to meet you", said the woman. "My name is Rose." They shook hands.
"Shit", thought Jack. "This guy is good."
"My friend, Jack here..." Gatsby began, "he was wondering if you might care to join us at our table."
"Oh, I would", said Rose. "But I'm waiting for someone."
"Ah", said Gatsby. He raised an eyebrow towards Jack. "I see."
"Rose!" came a deep, sexy voice.
"Oh, there you are, Billy!" said Rose. An attractive man with smoldering eyes and a figure cut from stone was now standing next to Rose. "Jack, Gatsby, this is my fiancee, Billy Zane."
"How do you do?" asked Billy Zane.
"Fine", said Jack, his hand clenched in rage inches from his gun. Billy Zane nodded to him with a smile.
"It seems like there is plenty of lovely company to be had here", said Billy Zane, looking around in wonder.
"It would appear so, old sport", said Gatsby. "We were wondering if you two might care to join us at our table."
"Sounds like a swell idea", said Billy Zane. "How does that sound to you, Rose?" But Rose was fixated on an Anime Boi with black, spiky hair who had just entered the ballroom, accompanied by celebrity pornstar Kamina, ex-Class S Hero Jon Snow and his direwolf, a couple of white haired androids, and a mysterious older woman with blonde hair who she did not recognize. "Rose?"
"Oh, right, sure", said Rose. "Just... I think I recognize someone." She started making her way towards those people.
"It seems like her interest lies with the black haired Anime Boi", said Gatsby.
"Pfft", said Billy Zane. "I'm not worried. That hair is probably a wig; he's probably just a dime-a-dozen Baldman. Come, let's grab our seats." And so they grabbed their seats.
Saitama looked around the room. There were so many eyes around; he hoped that his wig would make a good enough disguise.
"Man", said Saitama, "Being a fugitive sure is hard work!"
"Hey, take it easy, buddy!" said Kamina. "We'll be in America before you know it. Then we just gotta take care of Trump and your name will be clear!"
"I hope it will be that easy", said Saitama.
"It probably won't be that easy..." began Stormy Daniels, "but it will still probably be pretty easy. I mean, we're talking about a guy who eats his pizza with a fork!"
"Ha!" said Jon Snow. "What a fuckin' bitch!"
"Indeed", said 2B.
"Excuse me!" exclaimed a young, auburn haired woman who careened right towards Saitama. Saitama gasped.
"Has my cover been blown?" he thought to himself.
"Um, hello", said the woman. "My name is Rose."
"Oh yeah?" said Saitama. "I'm, uh... my name is... Herb."
"Fucking Herb?" Jon Snow muttered behind Saitama with a chuckle. Saitama gave Jon Snow a sharp jab in the ribs with his elbow.
"Herb", said Rose. "Well, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"Yeah", said Saitama. "Welp, I gotta gooo..."
"Please, you and your friends must have a seat at our table", said Rose.
Saitama and Kamina exchanged a glance. "Um, okay", said Saitama, and they followed her to her table. Rose sat between Billy Zane and Saitama. Jack and Gatsby were sitting beside each other. 2B and 9S sat together next to Gatsby, and Kamina and Stormy Daniels were beside them.
"So", said Billy Zane with a smile, "what are your names."
"I'm Herb", said Saitama, "This is Jon Snow, that's Kamina, those are 2B and 9S, and that's... uh..." he figured it might be a bad idea to use Stormy Daniels's real name, so he said "May."
"Hold on", said Gatsby. "You're May? The wife of the Godchris?"
"Oh, uh, no", said Stormy Daniels. "That would be May from Pokemon. I'm, uh, May from... Digimon."
"Ohhhhhhh", said everyone at the table who had just met her.
"That makes more sense", said Gatsby.
"Anyways, Rose..." began Jack, but Rose ignored him.
"So tell me, Herb", said Rose. "What are you going to be doing off in America?"
"Oh, you know", said Saitama. "Regular, normal stuff. Like, I'm probably gonna have to kill the pres..." Oh shit. "Kill the pres... the pres... uh, kill the present time by just having a gay old time!"
"Oh how lovely!" said Rose.
"Yeah", said Saitama. "Very lovely."
Billy Zane cleared his throat. "Anyways, we haven't introduced ourselves yet!" he laughed. "I'm Billy Zane, these are Gatsby and Jack, and of course you've already met Rose."
"Nice to meet you all!" said Kamina, shifting his Gurren Lagann glasses.
"A pleasure", said Jon Snow with a nod.
"Hey, Herb", said Rose. "Might I have this dance?"
"Uh, sure", said Saitama, and Rose led him to the dance floor. 9S walked 2B to the dance floor as well, and Kamina and Stormy Daniels followed after them, leaving Billy Zane, Jack, Gatsby, and Jon Snow at the table. The band, Queen, was playing their song "One Year of Love", and the dance was a lovely thing to watch.
Saitama blushed as Rose held him closer and closer. He was feeling something... different. Different from anything he'd felt with any of the partners he'd had in his pornos. It was even different from the feeling he got from slamming Kamina in the ass in their bro-like manner. He felt a timid sort of joy, a comforting sort of nervousness. He had exchanged few words with Rose, but still he could feel something being communicated in a nonverbal manner. He wasn't sure, but he thought the feeling might be... love?
"Hey, 9S?" asked 2B. "What exactly is it that we're doing?"
"We're dancing", said 9S. "Its something humans do. When two humans care for each other a lot, they dance together."
"Hm", said 2B. She almost seemed to blush. "This... is nice. I like it."
"I'm glad", said 9S. He took off his blindfold, then reached over and removed 2B's blindfold, then returned his hand to 2B's shoulder.
"Oh", said 2B, stopping for a moment in surprise. But then they looked into each other's blue eyes and, with a mutual smile, they continued to dance.
"They told me I'd never make it in the porn industry", said Kamina. "And look at me now! Dancing with the freaking Patron Saint of Pornstars!"
"Damn straight", said Stormy Daniels.
"But still..." Kamina glanced at Saitama, "Do you think... love can bloom, even on a porn set?"
Stormy Daniels thought for a moment. "Yeah", she said. "I do. I think at any time, any place, people can fall in love with each other. But if you love someone, it has to be more than sexual. I think that's lost on people in these times. The attraction has to be there, sure, but there must be more. I mean, just look at us pornstars! We fuck each other all the time, but most of the time it just forges bonds of camaraderie and friendship. For it to be love, you have to love the whole person, not just their body or their sexual prowess. And not only do you have to love their better traits, but you have to love their flaws as well. Love that their flaws are what make them human, and their mistakes too..." she looked at the two androids as they danced. "Even if you're not human. Love is a magical thing. To feel that someone else is the entire world to you, and to know that that person feels the same way about you. If you find that in life, you should embrace it and never let go. Until death do you part."
"I see", said Kamina, who was looking at Saitama again.
"Is there someone you love, Kamina?" asked Stormy Daniels, noticing that he was looking at Saitama.
Kamina smiled sadly. He saw so much passion and tenderness in the way Saitama and Rose were dancing. "Ha, its nothing important." He sighed and looked back to Stormy Daniels. "Let's just enjoy this dance."
Back at the table, Billy Zane was shaking with rage.
"I will not be cuckolded by an Anime Boi", growled Billy Zane. "If anyone who isn't me is going to fuck my fiancee, I would rather it be fucking Jack here!"
"I know, right!" said Jack. "Rose and I would be so good together!"
"Seriously, though", said Billy Zane. "You could make a fantastic movie out of that. Meanwhile, this here... its like bad fanfiction!"
"Seriously!" said Jack.
"You know", said Jon Snow, "You could do something about him."
"What are you suggesting, old sport?" asked Gatsby. "I thought the two of you were friends."
"I have little love for Sai..." Jon Snow corrected himself. "...Herb. If you're going to play a trick on him, I wouldn't mind providing assistance."
"Hm..." said Billy Zane. "I think we're going to have ourselves some fun with this man."
The song ended and everyone returned to the table. Queen was now playing "The Great Pretender" by The Platters.
"How was that dance, dear?" asked Billy Zane.
"Wonderful", responded Rose.
"Wonderful", echoed Billy Zane, giving Saitama a wide grin. "Wonderful."
LATER THAT NIGHT
Jack, Gatsby, Billy Zane, and Jon Snow crept through the empty hallway with a bucket of black paint and a paintbrush.
"Trust me, guys", said Jon Snow, "This will definitely get under Herb's skin." They stopped in front of the room Saitama and Kamina were sharing, then turned to the wall across from their door.
"Alright, boys!" said Billy Zane. "Let's get to work!" and they painted what they came to paint, chuckling the entire time.
When morning came, Kamina was the first to leave the room. He opened the door and saw, written in black paint across the wall, the words "U R GAY".
"Grrrr..." growled Kamina. "So what if I am?! Fuck you, wall!" and with that he made for the cafe. He had a cup of black coffee, sitting at the bar in the cafe. The seat to his right was empty. A couple seats to his left was Agent Francis York Morgan, who was staring very intently at his coffee.
"Did you see that, Zach?" Agent Francis York Morgan said to no one in particular. "Clear as a crisp spring morning. 'F K' in the coffee. I knew I could count on it. It never fails."
"What the?" said Kamina, not sure what that man was going on about.
"Don't mind him", said the man sitting right to Kamina's left. "He's just talking to his imaginary friend."
"Ah, I see", said Kamina, taking a sip of his coffee.
"I respect a man who takes his coffee black", said the stranger. "My name is Agent Dale Cooper".
"I'm Kamina", said Kamina. "Nice to meet you." A cup of coffee was placed in front of Agent Cooper.
"Ah", said Cooper. "Black as midnight on a moonless night." He took a sip of his coffee. "DAMN fine cup of coffee. Damn fine."
"Is this seat taken, love?" came a voice to Kamina's right.
"No, go on ahead", said Kamina.
"Excellent", said the voice. "I'll have my coffee with cream and sugar please. Thank you!" Kamina looked to his right and saw that the man who had taken his seat was none other than Freddie Mercury.
"Holy shit its Freddie Mercury!" said Kamina.
"Wait, what the fuck?!" said Agent Cooper.
"In the flesh!" Freddie Mercury said with a wink.
"We're here, too", said the other members of Queen: Brian May, Roger Taylor, and John Deacon.
"Oh, hi other members of Queen", said Kamina.
"Hey", said the other members of Queen.
"I trust that you're all enjoying your voyage on this fine ship", said Freddie Mercury.
"No complaints so far", said Agent Cooper.
"Now tell me, you fine, interesting people", said Freddie Mercury. "What has brought you all here, on the Titanic."
"I'm hot on the tail of the 'I Am' gang", said Agent Cooper. "I've spent years looking for their leader, and I think I've got a lead on a guy named Sam."
"I'm just trying to get to America", said Kamina. "This ship just happened to be going my way."
"And what are you going to do once you get to America, love?"
Kamina thought for a moment. "What if I told you that I was going to save the porn industry?"
"I'd believe you", said Freddie Mercury as he slipped a little cocaine into his coffee. He took a sip. "Ay, there's the rub."
"I noticed that you put cream and sugar into your coffee", said Agent Cooper. "What are you, gay?"
"As a matter of fact I am!" said Freddie Mercury.
"No shame in that", said Agent Cooper, taking another sip of his coffee.
"Hey, Freddie Mercury", said Kamina. "I was wondering; how might one know whether or not they're gay?"
"If you look at another man and realize that your pee-pee is hard, that means that you are gay", said Freddie Mercury.
"Oh shit", said Kamina, realizing that he was surrounded by dudes and that his pee-pee was very hard.
"There are so many interesting people here", said Freddie Mercury. "Look at that group over there. That's Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crown Prince to the Kingdom of Lucis, along with his entourage, heading overseas for the Prince's wedding. Over there, that's John Lennon, still trying after all these years to get his band back together. And over there, that's Joric Jojian, the Armenian JoJo, one of the most notable living descendants of the legendary Joestar family (Eric dis is u)."
"So many fascinating people", said Agent Cooper. "So many stories."
"Indeed", said Kamina. He finished off his coffee and stood up. "It kicked ass meeting all of you", he said. "But now, I must be off."
Agent Cooper, Freddie Mercury, and the rest of Queen waved him off, while Agent York just kept talking to himself.
Jon Snow was standing at the side of the ship, looking out over the ocean. The air was growing colder, as their path led them more northwards. In the distance he could see a couple icebergs here and there.
"Well, I'll be damned", came a voice from behind him. "If it isn't Jon Snow. How have you been, you old bastard?"
Now standing beside Jon Snow was a familiar, half burned face.
"Sandor Clegane", said Jon Snow. "The Hound."
"I haven't seen you since Oxford", said Sandor. "What are you doing crossing the ocean?"
"Saving the world or something", said Jon Snow. "I don't fucking know. How about you?"
"Haven't you heard?" said The Hound. "Rumor has it that the Skinwalker God, The Beast, is going to emerge from Los Angeles. This fight against the Skinwalkers is going to erupt into an all-out war. I want to be right there when the battle starts."
"I see", said Jon Snow.
"I've probably got some time before that happens, though. If you want some help with whatever you're doing, I might be able to provide some assistance. Who are we fighting?"
Jon Snow thought for a moment. "What exactly is your opinion on the president of the United States of America?"
THE BRIDGE
"Captain James Cameron!" said one of the officers.
"What is it, Officer Jenny?" asked Captain James Cameron.
"Just providing a warning that we've entered somewhat dangerous waters. We should take special care to avoid crashing into any icebergs."
"Icebergs?" said James Cameron. "Pah! Do you know what ship you're on? This is the FUCKING TITANIC, bitch! This ship as unsinkable as my dick!"
"Maybe so, sir", said Officer Jenny. "But nonetheless, we should still exercise caution."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever bitch", said James Cameron. He lit a cigarette and started smoking it.
Saitama woke up with a yawn. He looked out the window.
"Shit", said Saitama. "The Sun is already way the fuck up!" He took his time in getting ready and then trudged out the door, putting on his wig on the way out and completely missing the message Jon Snow, Billy Zane and friends had left for him. Once he got up on deck he stretched his Onefist up towards the sky and yawned again. He walked through the selection of amusement park rides that were on the deck and moved towards the prow of the ship. He looked out at the ocean from the prow, and for a moment he could have sworn he saw a man standing atop the waves. He leaned forward, squinting, and...
"Hi Herb!" came Rose's voice from behind him.
"Oh, hi", said Saitama, turning to look at her. When he looked back, the man-like figure was gone. Rose stood beside him.
"I've always liked looking at the ocean", said Rose. "The way the horizon curves away at the edge of our vision, it reminds me of how large the world really is, and how small we are, despite how big we try to make ourselves."
"Huh", said Saitama. "I just like looking at it because... well, its nice to look at."
"That's a completely valid reason", Rose said with a smile. "Tell me, Herb; who actually are you?"
"What?"
"I know that you're Herb, but I don't know a single thing about you."
"Oh", said Saitama, a stressed bead of sweat forming on his forehead. "You don't want to know about me; I'm not interesting."
"But I'm interested."
"Hmm..." said Saitama. "Hmm..." He was really tempted to just spill the beans right then and there, but he didn't want to risk it. Not there, anyways. "Nah, I really shouldn't say. There's some really dark shit, and some stuff that might put people at danger. I should really keep my mouth sh..."
"My father is a major general in the Skinwalker regime", said Rose.
"Fuck!" said Saitama. "Well, okay then." He chewed his cheek, stalling for time. "Alright, I'll tell you what I've got going on when we're somewhere else."
"Oh", said Rose, raising an eyebrow.
"For now..." began Saitama as he began moving right to the very tip of the prow. He raised himself up right at the front of the ship, right over the water. Energized by the feeling of the wind on his face and the splash of the ocean spray, he yelled "I'M KING OF THE PORNSTARS!"
A good way behind Saitama and Rose, Jack stood in the shade of the Ferris Wheel, his pistol held in his shaking hand.
"Good morning, old sport!" said Gatsby.
"WHAT?!" said Jack, pointing the gun at Gatsby.
"WHOA!" exclaimed a surprised Gatsby. "Where'd you... uh, put that gun away."
Jack looked at his gun. "Shit, right." He put it back in its holster. "Sorry about that."
"Don't... sweat on it, old sport", said Gatsby, wiping sweat from his forehead. "Were... were you about to shoot Herb?"
"So what if I was?"
"I mean, it seems kind of unnecessary", said Gatsby. "We DID prank him pretty hard last night."
"Not hard enough", said Jack. "Look at him. He's still hitting on Rose."
"Why are you taking it so personally?" asked Gatsby. "You remember that she's Billy Zane's girl, right? If anyone should be doing anything about this, it should be him."
"You heard what Billy Zane said yesterday", said Jack. "I should be the one cucking him over, not that fucking Anime Boi."
"Look, why don't we go get a drink and..."
"They're going somewhere", said Jack. "I'm gonna follow them. You can stay here or come with me. Your choice."
"I, uh..." stammered Gatsby. He wanted to make sure nobody got hurt, so he said "Sure, old sport. I'll come along with you."
"Great", said Jack. "Let's go. We can bring Billy Zane along with us."
THE BRIDGE
"Captain James Cameron!" said Officer Jenny, "We're heading right for an iceberg!"
"Oh fuck!" said Captain James Cameron. "We'd all better do our best to alter course so that we don't fucking hit it, then!"
"Aye, sir!"
Saitama and Rose had snuck their way into the cargo hold and were sitting against the wheel of an automobile.
"Alright", said Rose. "Let's hear what dark secrets you have to keep so well hidden."
"Right", said Saitama. "So first off, my name is not actually Herb..." he removed his wig. "It's..."
"Holy fuck, you're Saitama!" exclaimed Rose.
"Uh, yeah", said Saitama. "You got me. You, uh... watch porn?"
"Of course!" said Rose.
"Ah", said Saitama. "Welp, sounds like you've already seen my ding dong, then."
"Boy have I!" said Rose. Saitama sighed and stood up.
"Where are you going?" asked Rose.
"Since you're already familiar with my work, its doubtless the you only want me for sex now." He put his wig back on. "I was... kind of hoping for something different. But I guess this is what happens when you're in this field."
"I never said that", said Rose. "Please, sit back down." Saitama hesitated for a moment, then sighed and sat himself back down.
"It it true what they've been saying?" asked Rose. "That you and the rest of Hentaidotcom are working with the Skinwalkers?"
"I'm not", said Saitama. "I don't know about everyone else in the company. I just... can't believe that my boss, Solidus Snake, would get us all caught up in a mess like this, but I'm on my way to help clean it up. And anyways, shouldn't you have already known the answer to that question?"
"While my father is a Skinwalker, I am not", said Rose. "I don't agree with what he's doing, but he's still family."
"Huh", said Saitama. "It sounds like we're basically in the same boat."
"No", said Rose. "We're literally in the same boat."
"Ha!" laughed Saitama. He looked over at Rose, who was looking back at him with a smile. In her gaze Saitama could feel the negative parts of himself melt away, then vaporize as she leaned in to give him a kiss. They held each other in loving arms, each committing the shape of the other's face to memory with kisses.
"Tip tap tip tap", came the sound of a security guard making their way towards their position.
"Someone's coming!" gasped Rose.
"Quick, let's get into the car", said Saitama. So, quietly, the got into the car, and within the intimate confines of the automobile, it was not long before the lovemaking continued.
Saitama's courage grew at the same rate as his manhood, and he kissed Rose deeper and more passionately with every passing second, the lengths of which grew as well. He felt her whole body with his whole body, but several barriers of fabric separated the two. Saitama got up for a second and took a hold of the bottom of Rose's dress. He looked her in the eyes, and her eyes whispered "Yes". He removed the dress, slowly kissed her sweet left nipple for a couple seconds, followed by her right, then removed his own shirt and kissed her on the mouth again.
A long time had passed. Music drifted through the air ducts down to the cargo hold; Queen was playing their song "White Queen (As it Began). Saitama had removed his pants sometime ago. His exposed manhood was stiff and ready. So was Rose. His cock slowly pierced through tightly shut lips and into the wet folds beneath as he leaned in to kiss her again. He moved in and out of her. He moaned as her vaginal muscles squeezed against his cock, and she moaned as his cock pushed the folds of her eager pussy apart, only to let them fold back in as he moved out, repeating the motion. When Rose thought that Saitama might be on the verge of finishing, she slowed down a bit and held onto his Onefist, raising an eyebrow. Saitama stopped, and although he was nearly out of breath, he said "Are you sure?"
Rose nodded. "Fist me like one of your Anime Gurlz", she said. Saitama was ready to go after hearing that. He clenched his fist and wriggled his way into her until he was elbow deep. Rose bit her arm to try and keep herself from screaming out in ecstasy. "Oh my Godchris", she said as Saitama removed his arm. Once it was out he blushed a bit, but Rose leaped on top of him with another kiss. And so they carried on...
THE BRIDGE
"Sir", said Officer Jenny, "We are extremely close to the iceberg. Danger of contact is at a maximum!"
"Don't worry!" said Captain James Cameron, applying as much force as he could to the steering wheel. "We're going to make it!"
"Aye sir!" Everyone in the bridge braced for impact, but as the ship turned to avoid the iceberg, there was no impact, and before long they had passed by the iceberg.
"Phew", said Captain James Cameron. "We avoided it completely!"
The ship had, in fact, missed the iceberg completely...
Saitama and Rose were sleeping in each other's arms in the car, their clothes inexplicably back on again. They awoke to a knocking at the window. Saitama looked up and saw Jack smiling up at him on the other side of the glass. The door opened and he was yanked out of the car, sprawled on the floor.
"Get up", said Jack, with a kick in the ribs. "Get the fuck up." Saitama struggled to his feet, spitting blood from his mouth.
"NO!" shouted Rose, who was being restrained by Billy Zane and a reluctant Gatsby. "STOP!"
"You don't want to do this", said Saitama.
"Don't I?" Jack laughed maniacally. "I've brought you a little friend to play with! COME OUT, JOJO!"
Out from behind a corner stepped Joric Jojian, the Armenian Jojo. He approached the group slowly and dramatically, a grin on his face which said he was looking forward to a good fight.
"I hope you can box", Jack said to Saitama as he threw Saitama forward.
JoJo cracked his knuckles and gave Saitama a smirk.
"I don't want to fight you", said Saitama. Joric frowned, and his expression turned to disdain.
"I don't know, guys", said Joric. "He said he doesn't want to fight. Also, he only has one fist. I'm not sure I feel comfortable fighting this man."
"But you gotta", said Jack.
"Nah", said JoJo. "I think I'd rather not. This is kinda fucked up."
"Come on, man!" said Billy Zane. "We came all this way to do this!"
"I'll see y'all around", said JoJo. "I've got some flowcharts to work on." And with that he was gone.
"Ah well", said Jack. "We don't need him to beat the shit out of you. Gatsby! Put Rose in the car and make sure she doesn't get out. Billy Zane and I are gonna have some fun."
"No, I'm serious", said Saitama, not bothering to back away as they approached. "You guys really don't want to do this!"
"We're not afraid of you, Herb", said Billy Zane.
"Pah, for the love of..." said Saitama. He whipped off his wig and said "My name isn't Herb!"
Jack and Billy Zane stopped in their tracks.
"My Godchris", said Jack. "You're... you're Saitama." Billy Zane just sat down, dejectedly.
"Its over", said Billy Zane. "I've lost. This man is so much better than I am, both in terms of combat and sex."
"Come on, Billy Zane", said Jack. "We can take him!"
"No", said Billy Zane. "This is a man that can kill gods with a single punch." He stood up. "Let's go."
"No", said Jack, drawing his pistol. "No, I'm not going anywhere."
"Jack, its over!" said Gatsby. "You've lost!"
"No, its not!" said Jack. "I've seen the truth! This is MY movie!"
"Movie?" said Saitama. "What the fuck?"
It was at that moment that there was an impossibly loud "CLUNK" right from behind them. They all turned around and saw a trident sticking through the wall of the ship.
"Alright, what the actual fuck?" said Saitama. Water was starting to leak into the hold. It became obvious that there was someone at the other end of the trident, as it was pressed further into the ship. Then its angle adjusted, and with one swift motion it swept away an entire chunk of the ship's hull.
"UMMMMM", said Gatsby, desperately wanting to be anywhere but right there.
An enormously jacked man walked in through the hole in the hull.
"Aquaman", said Saitama.
"Saitama!" said Aquaman (as played by Jason Momoa). "How fortunate it is that I've found you so quickly!"
"What is it that you want, Aquaman?" asked Saitama.
Aquaman smirked. "Your life, of course."
"I'm afraid that you can't have it", said Saitama, readying his Onefist.
"I'll be the judge of that!" said Aquaman. He walked forward, and behind him a small band of sahagins and mermen followed. Gatsby let Rose out of the car, and they went to stand behind Saitama, along with Jack and Billy Zane.
Aquaman readied his spear. "Your punch may be one of the deadliest things in the Universe", said Aquaman, "But its no good if you can't reach me! My trident has the longer range!"
"Then I'll punch right through your trident", said Saitama.
"I'm afraid you can't", said Aquaman. "Valyrian Steel."
"Of fucking course it is", said Saitama. "Welp, let's go for it then."
"Yes, let's", said Aquaman. "This is for my fallen comrades!" They charged towards each other, weapons drawn.
"We gotta get the fuck outta here!" said Gatsby, drawing his own gun. "Let's go!" They ran for the elevator, but Aquaman's creatures chased after them. Gatsby and Jack looked back behind them, shooting at their pursuers and felling a couple of them. They pressed the button for the elevator.
"Shit!" said Billy Zane. "Since JoJo went back up, we have to wait for the elevator to come back down from the deck!" The elevator was still a long way away when they were cornered by Aquaman's band.
"We're fucked", said Jack. "This is it!"
Rose sighed. "I guess I don't have a choice", she said. She held both hands in front of her. When she raised them upwards, all of the sahagins and mermen were lifted into the air from some unseen force. Rose clenched her fists, and then suddenly the skin flew off of all of their pursuers, flying in separate directions.
"What?" said Jack.
"Ping", said the elevator.
"Elevator's here", said Rose. "Let's go." And so they got on the elevator and got the fuck outta there.
Saitama and Aquaman circled around each other, each one feigning an attack here and there to try to break their opponents guard.
"The water is rising, Saitama", said Aquaman. "You can't keep this stalemate going forever. I'll be fine, but you will drown." He smiled. "I'm already winning."
Aquaman was telling the truth. The water, cold to Saitama's touch, was rising. Still, he had to bide for time.
"Why are you here?" asked Saitama. "What purpose could you possibly have for sinking this ship?"
Aquaman's eyes widened as he said "Revenge!"
"What?" said Saitama.
"I was there, two years ago", said Aquaman. "The day you destroyed the Hero Association. The day I lost... someone special to me..."
2 YEARS AGO
HERO ASSOCIATION HQ, LONDON
"Saitama..." said Captain Falcon. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this cannot be tolerated. You'll have to be locked up for a while, at least until we need you in the fight against him. Superman! Batman! Take him away!"
"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Saitama yelled, and he punched Superman in the gut, sending him flying backwards, through a wall, and he was impaled on a flagpole. Dead.
"Fuck!" said Saitama. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!"
"Everyone!" yelled Captain Falcon. "Get him!" And all of the heroes erupted onto Saitama.
Aquaman took a hold of his trident and got ready to join the fray, when he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.
"No, Aquaman", said a calming voice. "You're too far away from the water. You don't stand a chance against Saitama."
"But there is strength in numbers!" argued Aquaman. "That should make up for my impaired strength!"
"Come on, Aquaman", said the voice. "We both know it isn't worth it. Let's just go."
"Alright", said Aquaman. "I'm coming, Shamu." And so he and Shamu the Anthropomorphic Killer Whale made their way out of the command room and ran for the exit while war erupted around them.
"We're almost there!" said Shamu.
"Hold on", said Aquaman. "I'm... out of... breath."
"That's okay", said Shamu. "You're out of your element. It is easy to understand why you would have less stamina on land. Let's just at least keep walking forward.
"Alright", said Aquaman. They kept walking forward.
"Hey", said Shamu, "Remember that weekend we spent in Atlantica?"
"Of course", said Aquaman. "How could one forget?"
"Ain't that the truth", said Shamu.
"I remember there was one mermaid there with stunning red hair, and each scale on her tail shone like the morning sun. Ariel was her name."
Shamu nodded. "I remember her. But let's keep walking, shall we."
"Of course", gasped Aquaman. He laughed. "I remember her telling me that she wanted nothing more than to see the surface world." He laughed again. "I told her there was nothing to see on land except for greed and depression. Still, she wanted to be the judge of that herself, with her own eyes."
"She liked you", said Shamu.
"I know", said Aquaman. He thought for a moment. "Maybe I'll see her again."
"You will", said Shamu. "But I won't."
"What do you..." Aquaman was shoved forward before he could finish that sentence, and there was a great rumbling behind him. When he looked back, there was a pile of rubble where Shamu had been standing, blood oozing from beneath.
"NOOOOO!" Aquaman screamed. He tried running towards where the ceiling had collapsed on his friend, but then a horde of superheroes ran over the rubble and forced him back. "SHAMUUUUUU!" he yelled as the force of the crowd pushed him out towards the light of the exit.
"They never found his body", said Aquaman. "And that's why I have to fight you."
"Huh", said Saitama. "So it looks like it has to be this way, then."
"It does."
"Alright then", said Saitama. "SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF!" They charged towards each other, fury in both pairs of eyes.
Night had fallen on the deck. Queen was playing their song "'39" while 2B and 9S were riding in the Ferris Wheel.
"Hey, 2B", said 9S.
"What is it?" asked 2B.
"Um, nothing", said 9S.
"Really?" said 2B. "It really sounded like you wanted to say something."
"Oh, well..." 9S said with a laugh. "We've been together for a long time, 2B, and we've been through a lot together." He laughed. "This is really dumb. We've spent too much time hanging around humans; there are many activities that they do that I want to try for myself. One of them..." He looked away for a second, stalling for time. "2B, I want to try having sex with you."
"Really?" said 2B. "Well, that's silly."
"Huh?" said 9S.
"You know that, while we androids were designed after humans, we were not designed with anything resembling human genitals."
9S grunted in distress. "I know that. But still, there has to be something we can do that would feel similar."
"Well", said 2B, "My understanding of it is that humans have sexual intercourse to temporarily feel like they're becoming one with someone they love." A moment for thought. "9S, hack into me."
"What?" said 9S. "Right here?"
"Yes", said 2B. "I'm ready. I want to do this." She smiled.
"Okay", said 9S. Blushing, he started the hacking process, but unlike usual, his aim was not to subjugate an opponent. He matched the power of 2B's resistance, until it felt like their consciousnesses were becoming one.
"Oh!" said 9S.
"Ooh", said 2B. They're was a pleasant sensation that came with either of them oscillating their levels of power just a little bit. They felt perfectly at peace as they became entranced in each other's consciousness. Then... all of a sudden...
"9S, look out!" yelled 2B.
"What?" said 9S. He snapped out of his trance just in time to see 2B jump in the way of a piece of debris that was heading right for him. The debris hit her right in the chest and sent her flying backwards off of the Ferris Wheel.
"2B!" yelled 9S. He leapt from the Ferris Wheel, landing on the prow of the ship just in time to catch 2B. He looked up to the sky to see what was happening.
"What the fuck?" he said as he saw that Saitama and Aquaman and broken through the deck of the ship and were now rising into the air, fighting one on one. As soon as the fighting had started, Queen started playing "Princes of the Universe".
Saitama stood at the tip of that ride that brings people upwards and then just drops them, while Aquaman was floating in the air by controlling the molecules of water from the ocean to apply enough force to levitate or something. Beneath them, the ship's passengers panicked, running this way and that. An alarm had gone off, and people were rushing up from the lower decks. The life rafts were being prepared.
"Women and children first!" shouted the man in charge of one of the life rafts. 9S brought an unconscious 2B there, and the man loaded her in.
"I need to go with her", said 9S.
"Sorry, women and children first", said the man.
"She's an android and she's malfunctioning", said 9S. "Only I know how to fix her."
The man looked back and forth. "Alright, get in", he said.
"Thank you", said 9S.
"Hey, that guy is neither child nor woman", said some random guy hanging by the railing.
Thinking fast, 9S raised the pitch of his voice to his best impersonation of a female and said "Uh, yes I am! I'm just androgynous!"
"Oh fuck", said the random guy. "Sorry about that. I really thought you were a dude. No offence."
"None taken", said 9S.
Back in the action, Aquaman yelled "Let's go, then!" and raised a giant wave behind Saitama, which smashed into the ship, blowing countless passengers over the side, toppling the ride Saitama had been standing on, and sending Saitama flying forward towards Aquaman's extended trident. Before his neck could be impaled, Saitama smashed downward on the blunt side of the trident, shifting it downward, but Aquaman followed the motion and slammed Saitama downward with the shaft of his trident. Saitama smashed through the deck and into the ballroom.
"Saitama!" shouted Rose, as she, Gatsby, Jack, and Billy Zane were making their way through the ballroom.
"Go!" yelled Saitama. "You have to get on a life raft and get out of here! I'll try to get this bastard away from here."
Rose nodded. "Right", she said, and she started making her way out of there.
"Godspeed, old sport!" shouted Gatsby, and then Saitama rolled out of the way of Aquaman's trident. Saitama picked himself up through the roll, and Aquaman pulled his trident out of the floor.
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Aquaman as he raised both of his arms. The ship rocked back and forth, and all of a sudden water started pouring into the ballroom through the hole Saitama and fallen through and through the stairwells.
"Fuck", thought Saitama. "He's pulling the ocean up over the ship. I have to think fast..." He looked next to him and saw that the chandelier had fallen. Then he had an idea. He picked up the chandelier. It was large, round like a shield, and the actual structure from which everything hung down was shaped like a spiral and pointed at the end. Aquaman's grin faltered as Saitama propelled himself forward chandelier first, screaming as hard as he could. The point of the chandelier made direct contact with Aquaman's chest, while his trident barely missed Saitama. They propelled out through the wall and flew a couple miles like that before they hit the iceberg that the Titanic had missed. After making impact, they both rolled across the iceberg. They picked themselves up, standing at opposite sides of the iceberg, the full moon between and above them and the sinking, burning Titanic beneath it.
"Nowhere to run now!" said Aquaman. Sharks circled the iceberg now, and Saitama knew that Aquaman could raise the ocean to submerge the iceberg whenever he wanted. Saitama had to act quickly.
Saitama picked up a long shard of glass from the broken chandelier and hurled it at Aquaman, who responded by throwing his trident at Saitama. Saitama sidestepped the trident, caught it, and leapt forward towards Aquaman as he dodged the shard of the glass, only to find Saitama impale him all the way through with his own trident.
"Don't you think we should go?" Brian May asked Freddie Mercury.
"No, love", said Freddie Mercury. "Times of tragedy are when people need music the most. The show must go on."
"I still think we should try to get out of here alive", said Roger Taylor.
Freddie Mercury huffed. "I've been keeping this a secret for a while now, but I guess now is the time to tell it."
"What is it, Freddie?" asked John Deacon.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS", said Freddie Mercury.
"No", gasped Brian May.
"I wish it wasn't so", said Freddie Mercury. "I've only got about another couple days to live, so that means..."
"This is your last gig", said John Deacon. "Our last gig."
"Yeah", said Freddie Mercury.
"Well, I mean, the rest of us don't have to die", said Roger Taylor. "The rest of us can just go on tour with someone like Adam Lambert as our frontman." There was a moment of silence, then the four of them erupted into laughter. "Fuck it, we're here for you Freddie."
Freddie Mercury looked around at his bandmates.
"We're with you", said John Deacon.
"Until the end", said Brian May. Freddie Mercury was starting to tear up.
"Well what the fuck are we waiting for then?" asked Freddie Mercury.
As the Titanic sank around them, Queen played one final song, "Who Wants to Live Forever", until the ocean came and swept them away...
"Is this what you wanted?" asked Saitama, tired of having to kill other superheroes like this.
"Ha", said Aquaman as he fell to his knees. "Maybe." He fell onto his back, the shaft of his trident pointing towards the sky. He fought to sit himself up, and coughed blood once he succeeded. "My Godchris", he said as he saw the destruction of the Titanic. "What have I done?"
"The same thing that I did", said Saitama, sitting beside him. "Cause purposeless death and destruction while fighting for what you thought was right."
"It was so perfect", said Aquaman. "Once I heard you were boarding the Titanic, I knew it was my chance to strike, to get my revenge." He groaned in pain. "I was blinded by that. Revenge."
"It happens", said Saitama. "Sometimes we all become so focused on one thing that we lose focus on everything else." He looked at his fist. "I'm sorry about Shamu. Sometimes this power is a curse. Just the act of defending myself has the potential to kill."
"Yeah", grunted Aquaman. "We should have just let you alone. Then none of this would have happened. Everything you did, they were just accidents, but accidents cause more damage when you're superpowered, and that frightens people."
"Yeah", said Saitama.
"But what I did was on purpose. What I did was unforgivable", said Aquaman. He looked at the Titanic with tears in his eyes. "I thought that I could fix your violence with violence of my own design, and in doing that I became worse than what you were. If I had chosen peace instead of violence, if I had chosen love instead of hate.." he choked back a sob. "If I had been trying to find Ariel again instead of looking for you... If only... If only..."
"What's done is done", said Saitama. "Just lie down and rest. Its a beautiful night tonight. The sky is clear, and the moon is full. I'm having a hard time staying awake myself, if I'm being entirely honest."
"You're right", said Aquaman. He laid down and looked up at the moon. "You won't be able to make it back to the ship on time to save anyone."
"I know", said Saitama, worrying about Rose, Kamina, and the rest of his friends.
"That's why I've summoned the fastest dolphin in my kingdom to carry you there."
"Thank you", said Saitama, standing up. "Who will rule the ocean once you're..."
"Don't worry about my successor", said Aquaman. "I have spread my seed across the seven seas. Sooner or later, something will become pregnant, and a new ruler of the seas shall be born. Now go. Leave me here to die and paint this iceberg red."
"Right", said Saitama. He walked towards the edge of the iceberg where the dolphin was waiting. He looked back to Aquaman. He looked so peaceful, lying there and looking up at the moon. Saitama opened his mouth to say something more, but no words would come. He got on the dolphin and rode towards the wreck of the Titanic.
Rose sat on her raft, drifting out on the ocean. She had seen almost everyone else she had gotten to know on the ship safely on top of something, but he couldn't see Jack or Saitama. Then Saitama rode up beside her on his dolphin.
"Rose!" said Saitama.
"Sai... I mean, Herb!" said Rose. "I can't find Jack!"
"I'm right here!" said Jack, floating a little ways away, his body freezing over.
"Jack, there's room for you on this raft!" cried Rose.
"No", said Jack. He turned to Saitama. "No, I refuse", he struggled to speak as he froze deeper and deeper. "This is not my world. I will NOT live in this world."
"Jack, come on!" cried Rose.
"I'm sorry, Rose", said Jack. "I'll see you again, in... in ano..." his jaw fell stiff. He was gone.
"No", said Rose. Saitama dismounted his dolphin and got onto the raft with Rose. He held her close to him, giving her a shoulder to cry on.
(The Ending Theme: "Waves" by The Dear Hunter)
Across the wreck of the Titanic, people huddled together on rafts, emergency boats, and wreckage, cold and sorrowful, but glad to be alive. Amongst the people, Kamina sat alone on his own raft. He looked over and saw that Saitama was on another raft. He was about to call out to them, bet when he realized that he was comforting Rose, he decided to let them have their moment. He sighed, a little jealously.
"Want a drink?" asked Joric Jojian on a nearby raft.
"One drink?" said Kamina. "Who the hell do you think I am?"
"Fair enough", said Joric Jojian, and he handed Kamina a couple habanero craft beers. Kamina took a sip.
"Wow", said Kamina. "This is spicy!"
"Yeah, its rad", said JoJo, taking a sip of his own.
"Hey, look", said Kamina. "Help is on the way!"
On the horizon came a rescue ship, with some helicopters flying above and ahead.
"Just goes to show", said Agent Cooper. "No matter how bad things get, if you hold on someone will be there to help you out of it."
"You've earned a habenero craft beer, good sir", said Joric Jojian, tossing him a beer.
Agent Cooper caught it, smiled, and said "Thank you!"
Day broke over the calm sea as the rescuers came closer, and Saitama and Rose sat side by side, speaking no words when no words needed to be spoken. They were still alive.
POST CREDITS SCENE
The rescuers had taken the surviving passengers of the Titanic to Ellis Island, where President Donald Trump had gone to greet them. Everyone waited in a line to have their passports checked and to shake hands with the President.
Saitama had his wig on when he was face to face with the President.
"Welcome to America", Donald Trump said with a smile.
"Thanks, sir", said Saitama, trying his hardest to smile back. They shared a brief handshake, and Saitama went on his way.
TO BE CONTINUED