ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER
Written by Christopher Rangel
PT. 3: THIS IS AMERICA
"Jack Johnson is the thirteenth person this year to masturbate themselves to death while watching pornography", President Donald Trump said at the press conference on the television. "Its terrible. This pornographic epidemic is a danger to our country, and I vow that I will do everything in my power to eliminate it. Thank you very much." He walked up the stairs behind his podium and the screen changed to some generic commentators. Saitama looked away from the screen.
"He won't get away with this", said Saitama. Kamina nodded in agreement.
"I have the utmost faith in you guys", said Cool Satano. "You just need to do your best not to attract too much attention to yourselves. Saitama, if you leave this mansion you need to make sure to put on your wig. You should watch your back too, Kamina; Trump will succeed in turning some people against the porn industry in general, and you're one of the most recognizable faces in it. Stormy Daniels... you've got special powers, I'm not especially concerned about you."
"Hey, thanks for letting us stay in this mansion", said Kamina.
"No problem", said Cool Satano. "The reason I've bought so many mansions is for occasions like this."
"How many mansions do you have?" asked Saitama. Cool Satano looked at him with an amused smile.
"As many mansions as porn can buy a guy. If you play your cards right, this industry can be very profitable", Cool Satano said. He looked back at the television. "You guys have just arrived here. If you want a chance at beating the Donald, you're going to have to embrace and submerge yourself in the American culture. If you don't, he will destroy you."
"How do we do that?" asked Jon Snow.
"By studying the American way", said Cool Satano. He changed the channel to Pawn Stars.
"Holy shit, I'm American!" said Rick Harrison, spinning his fat cock around in circles like fucking meat-spin.
"Fucking Christ, I'm American, too!" said his son, Big Hoss, who started spinning around his pencil-dick as well.
"Fascinating", said Kamina.
"This will fill you with a lot of American Power, but you'll need more if you want to take on The Donald", said Cool Satano. "I've arranged for a friend to meet you at the McDonalds on 5th street at noon, tomorrow. You'll want to show up right on time, or a little earlier. Otherwise it might be too late."
Saitama nodded. "Understood."
"Good", said Cool Satano. "Well, I've got business to attend to with Manwaifudotnet, so I'm just gonna fuck off now. Bye!"
"Bye", said everyone, and Cool Satano fucked off out of his mansion.
"Pawn Stars is pussy shit", said Rose from Titanic. "If you want to be filled with American Power you gotta watch something like Jersey Shore."
"I guess we have to start out small and work our way up", said Saitama. "If we go too American too soon it might destroy us."
"Yeah", said Kamina. "Besides, I watching this is making me feel American."
"It will do the job", said Patron Saint of Pornstars Stormy Daniels. "But time is of the essence. You must meet the person Cool Satano has directed you to tomorrow."
"Right", said Saitama.
"But why do we need the American Power in order to defeat Donald Trump?" asked Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.
"Because the President of the Symbol of the United States, and as such a massive amount of American Power flows through him", said Stormy Daniels. "Over the years many countries have tried to fight the American President. Iraq, Afghanistan, Japan. Even the United Kingdom, where you come from. The reason they all failed was that they lacked the American Power. Now the time has come for the President to be defeated, and so you need to do what no other challenger has done: Become American."
The Great Gatsby, who had decided to tag along with the team since their destination was near his own mansion, walked out of the bathroom.
"I can help you guys out as well, old sports", Gatsby said. "I am pretty American myself."
"I can confirm this as a Scanner", said 9S. "Gatsby is exuding a massive amount of American Power."
"We got this", said Saitama.
So the next day they all went to McDonalds. They arrived at 11:30, just to be safe, and decided, with the extra time, to order lunch.
"What should we order?" Kamina asked Gatsby.
"You're gonna want to go with the Big Mac, old sport", said Gatsby. "It doesn't get much more American than that." So they all ordered Big Mac Meals.
"This tastes interesting", said The Hound.
"This tastes AMERICAN", said Saitama, taking a massive bite of his Big Mac. 9S looked very intently at his burger.
"My Godchris", said 9S. "These burgers are 50% American Power."
"Holy shit", said 2B. She took a bite and shivered. "That's a whole lot of America."
Exactly when the clock hit twelve Saitama heard a door open to the restaurant and was surprised to see that it was Childish Gambino who entered. Childish Gambino looked around the restaurant with a cool expression on his face, then reached behind his back and pulled out a black assault rifle.
"HOLY FUCK, DUCK!" said Saitama, and so everyone in the party ducked under the table while Childish Gambino opened fire. Once the gunfire stopped, Saitama poked his head out from under the table, and so did everyone else.
"Holy shit, everyone is fucking dead!" said Saitama. Meanwhile, Childish Gambino walked towards the table, his assault rifle nowhere to be seen. Everyone stood up, trying to edge away from him in fear.
"This is America", said Childish Gambino, extending a hand. "My name is Childish Gambino."
"Saitama", said Saitama, shaking his hand. "Are you... Are you the guy that Cool Satano sent?"
"You betcha", said Childish Gambino. "He said he knew a few fucks that didn't know how to be American, so I was all like 'yeah, man, I'll show these guys what America is', and so here I am."
"Did you really have to kill everyone here, though?" asked Gatsby.
"Hey man, this is America", Childish Gambino said with a smile. "Anyways, we'd better get going. We've got a lot to do today."
"I'm not done with my fries", said The Hound.
"Finish your fries, then", said Childish Gambino.
"Cool, thanks", said The Hound. So they waited for him to finish his fries and then they got the fuck outta there, as one would say in Jersey or some shit ("I'm walkin' here!" LOL, what a shit state)
They walked down New York City streets to a movie theater called "Dream Theater", where there was a special viewing of the film "American Sniper" starring Bradley Cooper.
"This is one of the most American movies ever made", said Childish Gambino. "Watching this will increase your American Power by tenfold."
"LOL, more like Avenged Sevenfold, amirite?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane. "LMFAO, I'm Amurican."
And so they watched "American Sniper" starring Bradley Cooper. Saitama felt especially American after witnessing this iconic scene from the movie:
Osama Bin Laden is alone in a dark room, looking around. He suspects that someone else is in there with him.
"Who's there?" says Osama Bin Laden. A shadow moves in the foreground. "You there! Who are you?!" It is Bradley Cooper that steps out of the shadows.
"I am American", says Bradley Cooper. He pulls down his pants and points his Sniper-Rifle-Cock at Osama Bin Laden. "AMERICAN SNIPER!" A bullet flies from a screaming Bradley Cooper's cock and right into the forehead of Osama Bin Laden.
"Damn you, American Sniper!", says Osama Bin Laden before he falls to the ground and dies.
"Tell Saddam Hussein I said hi", says Bradley Cooper as he spits on Osama Bin Laden and zips himself back up.
"Okay", said a dead Osama Bin Laden.
"That was incredible", said Saitama.
"Not only was it incredible", said Childish Gambino. "It was American."
"More like AMERICAN SNIPER!" said Kamina. "That was such a badass line!"
"Yeah dude", said The Hound. "So fucking good."
"Keep yuor pants on, guys", said Childish Gambino. "This day is still just getting started!"
"What are we doing now?" asked 2B.
"You ever hear of a guy called Bruce Springsteen?" asked Childish Gambino.
"NO FUCKING WAY!" said Gatsby. "That shit is my jam, old sport!"
"Aw yeah", said Childish Gambino. "Now there's a real American."
So they went to the Bruce Springsteen concert.
After one of the songs Bruce Springsteen looked at Saitama and his party.
"Whoa, what the fuck?" said Bruce Springsteen. "Hey, you fucking wanna-be Americans! Get the fuck up here on stage!" And so Saitama and friends got on stage.
"Get a load of these fucks!" said Bruce Springsteen. "Look at how unamerican they are! What do you say we change that, fellas!" Bruce Springsteen then shoved all of them onto the crowd for some crowd surfing and started performing "Born in the USA".
"BORN IN THE USA! BORN IN THE USA! YEAH, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE BORN IN THE USA! LAND OF THE FREE, HOME OF THE BRAVE! BORN IN THE USA! FREE AS A SLUTTY WABADASH CANNONBALL! PUT ON A BRA BECAUSE YUR BORN IN THE USA! FEEL THE SCHLONG OF THE AMERICAN DREAMS! FEEL THE POWER WITHIN YOUR MEMES! YOUR AN AMERICAN, BITCH! I'M GONNA FUCK YOU LIKE I FUCKED LADY LIBERTY! FUCKED HER SO HARD THAT I BECAME FREE! GEORGE WASHINGTON SHOWED ME THE WAY! I WAS BORN IN THE USA!"
"Dude, I was groped so hard!" Kamina said after the concert.
"Fuck yeah, dude!" said Saitama. "Someone grabbed my ass just the way that Rose from Titanic grabs my ass every other night!"
"Fucking sick, dude!" said Kamina, and they high fived.
"We've got one more thing to do", said Childish Gambino. "Just out of town there's a Revolutionary War reenactment. Get through that alive and your crash course in being American will be complete.
"Let's do this!" said Saitama, and they went outta town.
"Welcome to the Battle of Yorktown!" said Alexander Hamilton. "Yo, we've got a whole bunch of fuckin' ugly redcoats coming our way, and we've gotta stop them all."
"Holy shit", said someone in the ranks of the Revolutionary Army. "I think that's actually Alexander Hamilton!"
"What's he doing off of Broadway?" asked someone else.
"Those coats that you're wearing right now", said Alexander Hamilton. "Those are real Revolutionary War Uniforms. Those swords and muskets that you wield. Those are real as well. That British army over there? Those are real Britishmen. If you die on the battlefield, you die for real. The Redcoats that you kill die for real. Its a tough situation, but its what you have to do if you want to become a citizen of the United States of America. And if the redcoats win, well, that means that Britain regains control of the America. Just like Captain America said years ago: 'The price of freedom is steep'. Now, men, onward! To battle!"
"You ready for this?" asked Kamina, holding his sword.
"You bet I am", said Saitama, dropping his sword.
"CHAAAAARGE!" screamed Alexander Hamilton, and then the ranks of the Revolutionary Army charged forward while the Redcoats did the same. As Saitama clashed fist to sword with a redcoat he looked over and saw Sandor "The Hound" Clegane just plow right through a dozen redcoats like they were nothing, immediately killing all of them. Kamina had teamed up with 2B and 9S and were effectively hacking the enemy to bits.
That was when Saitama caught a bullet in his left shoulder.
"Shit!" said Saitama. Then he yelled "Good thing I don't have an arm attached to this shoulder!" and he leaped at the guy who shot him and punched his throat out. Unfortunately, this put him right at the heart of the British forces, and he had a hard time holding off all of the Redcoats with just one fist.
"I've really got to get another arm at some point!" said Saitama. "Hopefully its not too late!" He was about to be impaled in the back of his bald Baldman head when The Kurgan rode up and beheaded the assailant. Saitama turned around in time to see the headless corpse fall to the ground.
"Thanks, guy", said Saitama.
"Anytime!" said The Kurgan, and then he rode off and killed a bunch of Redcoats. The battle lasted well into the evening, all the way to sunset. At the end, the battlefield was strewn with corpses, and in the sunset Saitama stood silhouetted while in front of him, Commodore James Norrington (from Pirates of the Caribbean) was on his knees.
"Please", said the Commodore. "Mercy".
Saitama clenched his fist, then eased. He was ready to walk away when Childish Gambino approached him.
"Good, Saitama, good", said Childish Gambino. "Kill him." Saitama hesitated a moment, and the Commodore looked at Childish Gambino.
"Wait", said the Commodore. "Aren't you... Donald Glover?"
"Kill him now", said Childish Gambino. Saitama hesitated again.
"I shouldn't", said Saitama.
"Do it!" said Childish Gambino. Saitama looked the Commodore in his pleading eyes. He gritted his teeth and punched a hole right in his chest, and pulled out the commodore's heart. The Commodore held the hole in his chest, looked at his heart, and then fell over with his eyes still open.
"You did well, Saitama", said Childish Gambino. "Now the American Power flows through you more than ever. It flows right from the eternal gravy of Captain America's perfect world, 'The United Universe of America' into your heart!" (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")
Saitama looked in horror at the heart he held in his hand. He dropped it, and looked at the death and decay that surrounded him.
"This is no American dream", said Saitama. "This is an American nightmare!"
"This is what you had to do if you wanted to gain the American Power to defeat Donald Trump. The history of America is written in blood, and so blood is a necessary ingredient for becoming the perfect American soldier."
"You're right", said Saitama. "I had to do this in order to save the porn industry. I had to become this."
"What did you become?"
Saitama looked Childish Gambino in the eye. "American".
The day was over. Once everyone had shaken hands with Alexander Hamilton from the hit musical "Hamilton", they all returned to the mansion, Childish Gambino included.
"Hey", said Rose from Titanic. "Aren't you Lando Calrissian?"
"Lando Calrissian is Lando Calrissian", said Childish Gambino. "I'm Childish Gambino."
"Hey, Childish Gambino", said Saitama. "I've been through a lot today. I survived a shooting at McDonalds, watched American Sniper, attended a Bruce Springsteen concert, and fought in the Revolutionary War, but I'm still not entirely sure what America is."
"This is America", said Childish Gambino. He turned on the television and changed the channel to "Jersey Shore".
"Holy shit!" said The Situation, spinning his fat cock around like it was fuckin' Meat Spin, "I'm American!"
"No way, dude!" said Snooki, also spinning her dick around. "I'm American too!"
"This is America..."
TO BE CONTINUED...