ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER
Written by Christopher Rangel
PT. 4: MY DAD THE SKINWALKER
Saitama sat down on the couch and turned on the television.
"Hello, my name is April O'Neill", said jumpsuit wearing redhead on the TV screen, "And you're watching 'Lame of Thrones', a nightly show where we discuss various world leaders from around the world. Tonight we have a very special episode about the new Prime Minister of France. He's been affectionately dubbed the 'Prime-Rib Minister' by his people, because of his background in the culinary industry and the fact that he still wears his trademark chef hat everywhere he goes. He took down the previous Prime Minister of France, France (from Hetalia) by popular demand, and now he's here to show the world that he means business. His name... is Alfredo Linguini."
The screen changed to a press conference, with Linguini standing at a podium.
"Bonjour", said Linguini. He looked over to the left. "Aidez-moi! Je suis contrôlé par un rongeur! I am Linguini, your new Prime Minister!"
The screen shifted back to April O'Neill. "The so called 'Prime-Rib Minister has been is under fire from critics tonight, due to his controversial first action as Prime Minister." Linguini returned to the screen.
"My first order of business: All Disnians are to leave the country within a week! Je ne veux pas faire ça! C'est le rongeur! Any Disnians who do not leave the country within the week may be detained, shot, or even killed!" April O'Neill returned to the screen.
"This has caused uproar through the thriving French-Disnian community." The scene cut to Beast and Belle, standing in front of their castle.
"What the fuck is this shit?" said Beast. "Belle and I have lived in France all our lives! This is our home! What gives this bastard the right to take away our home!?"
"Its just not right", said Belle. "We've done everything we can to better our community, and now we have to leave it for no good reason? What the fuck is going on here?" The screen cut back to April.
"To further the controversy, rumors have spread that he himself is from Disnian descent." The screen cut back to Linguini.
"But sir", said a reporter, "Aren't you yourself of Disnian descent?"
Linguini fixed the reporter with a cold stare. "No. I am Pixarian. Pixar is not Disney. Je ne veux pas faire ça! J'aime Disney!" He stormed out of the conference room and the scene cut back to April.
"Now I've brought in a specialist to discuss the difference between the Disnian and Pixarian races. Please allow me to introduce..." (See "Remy and the Little Chef")
"What are you watching?" asked Rose from Titanic.
"Oh, Lame of Thrones", said Saitama. "They're talking about the new Prime Minister of France."
"Oh, isn't that the crazy fucker that's kicking out all the Disnians from his country?"
"Yeah", said Saitama, he took a sip of his beer. Rose shook her head.
"God help the outcasts", she said. She looked at Saitama. "By the way, my father's coming to visit tomorrow."
Saitama looked at Rose. "You mean the Skinwalker?"
"Yeah", said Rose. Saitama looked back to the screen.
"Why does this remind me of the pilot episode of 'Four Goodness Snakes'?"
"Oh please", said Rose, sitting on the couch next to Saitama. "This will be nothing like the pilot episode of 'Four Goodness Snakes'".
"If you say so", said Saitama. He looked up to the giant poster of Big Boss that he kept hanging on the wall. "Rest in peace, Boss." He looked back at Rose. "But you know that Skinwalkers are the enemy, right? And that the company I work for is in hot water for possible connections to the Skinwalker regime. Not to mention that Skinwalkers broke into my house once to force me to join their ranks"
"I know", said Rose. "But still, he's family. And he wants to meet you."
Saitama sighed. "Alright. I guess I look forward to meeting him."
THE NEXT DAY
Saitama was looking at a map with the other people in the party, planning their invasion on the White House, when the doorbell rung.
"Saitama!" Rose called.
"Hold on, guys", Saitama said to everyone else.
"Don't keep us waiting for too long", said Jon Snow.
"Its fine", said Stormy Daniels. "Take all the time you need."
"Thanks", said Saitama, nodding. He went to the door.
"Holy shit!" Saitama said as he saw the person standing at the door. He turned to Rose. "Your dad is Rian Johnson?!"
"LMAO, no", said Rian Johnson. "I killed Rian Johnson's ass this morning!" He reached behind his back and pulled down the zipper revealing that he was actually...
"George Lucas?!" said Saitama.
"In the flesh!" said George Lucas, wrapping an arm around his daughter. "So, you managed to reel in celebrity pornstar Saitama for your boyfriend, huh?"
"Ye", said Rose.
"That's my girl!" He walked further into the house. "Hey, what's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?!" He stumbled into the room where everyone was planning the attack. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and looked at George Lucas.
"What the fuck?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.
"Isn't that George Lucas", asked 9S. "Like, one of the Major Generals of the Skinwalker Army George Lucas?"
"Ye", said George Lucas, taking a seat. "And who are you fine skinned folks?" Everyone at the table looked at each other.
"He's just visiting", said Saitama, entering the room.
"Yeah", said Rose. "And he's my dad!" Nobody knew what to say.
"Hey, Saitama", said Kamina. "Mind if I talk to you for a moment?"
"Alright", said Saitama. They walked into the kitchen.
"What in the ever-loving fuck is this shit?" Kamina asked.
"Rose said her father wanted to meet me", said Saitama, "and now he's here."
"Yeah, but, I mean..." Kamina grunted in frustration. "Like, I know the two of you are getting more serious, and it makes sense for you to meet her parents, but this is George fucking Lucas! I mean, didn't he come in walking Rian Johnson's skin?"
"Well, I mean, yeah, but..."
"You gotta get him outta here", said Kamina.
"What?" said Saitama. "I can't!"
"C'mon, man! Think with your head now! This guy is the enemy!"
"Yes", said Saitama. "Maybe he knows what's up with Solidus Snake."
Kamina thought for a moment. "I see", he said. He put a hand on Saitama's shoulder and smiled. "I should have known that you had a plan! Go and get that goddam intel, my dude!"
"I will!" said Saitama, and then he went back to the living room, where his friends still stood tense and George Lucas was still reclining on his chair. Rose pulled Saitama aside.
"I'm kinda surprised", said Rose. "He seems to like you!"
"Really?" said Saitama.
"Yeah", said Rose. "Usually, by this point, he would have ripped off your skin. That's what's happened to most of my boyfriends..."
"What the fuck!" said Saitama. "That would have been good to know beforehand!"
"Well, I didn't want you to be stressed", said Rose.
"And I don't want to lose my skin!" said Saitama.
"Don't worry, if he hasn't taken your skin by now he won't take your skin at all."
"If you say so", said Saitama.
"Hey, Saitama", said George Lucas. "I'm kinda getting a cold reception here. Wanna go for a walk?"
"I guess", said Saitama. "Just let me grab my wig. Oh, and while we're outside, please refer to me as Herb."
"Got it, Herb", said George Lucas, slipping back into Rian Johnson's skin. Saitama grabbed his wig and they went outside into the New York air.
The air was calm over New York City, and the sound was clear and shipless.
"You guys are anti-Skinwalker, right?" said George Lucas.
"Yeah", said Saitama, "But you're a guest in our home. No harm shall come to you."
"Gotcha", said George Lucas, scratching at Rian Johnson's cheek. "Are you planning an attack on a Skinwalker base?"
"No, actually", said Saitama. "We're planning a rescue mission at the White House."
"The White House!?" said George Lucas. "I hope you guys know what you're doing. Very few Skinwalkers have ever been able to penetrate those walls."
"Huh", said Saitama.
"Hey, why don't we stop here?" said George Lucas, and they entered a Starbucks.
The Barista on shift that day was Aladdin.
"Hello", Aladdin said behind tired Disnian eyes. "How can I help you today?" They made their order, and George Lucas left a generous tip. They grabbed their coffees and sat at a booth by the windows. George Lucas shook his head.
"You've heard about the Disnian Crisis in France, right?" asked George Lucas.
"Yeah, there was a special about it on TV last night", said Saitama. George Lucas shook his head.
"Do you know where the stigma towards Disnians has come from?"
"No, where?" asked Saitama.
"There's a stereotype in France that all Disnians are Skinwalkers, just because the first Skinwalker discovered there was Captain Phoebus".
"From 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'?" asked Saitama.
"Yes", said George Lucas, stroking Rian Johnson's chin. "The Skinwalkers... I believe in our goal, but I understand that the common man will not, and the world is populated dominantly by the common man. I feel sorry for the people who will be wrongly attacked because of stereotypes." He looked at Aladdin. "And some people will be stereotyped for multiple reasons."
At that moment the door to Starbucks opened, and in walked Ichigo Kurosaki (wearing a shirt with the number 666 on it), as well as Kacchan Bakugo and the Iron-Masked Marauder from Pokemon 4ever.
"Well well well, look what we have here", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "An ISIS Disnian!"
"Can... can I take your order?" asked Aladdin.
"Ha!" said the Iron Masked Raider. "I bet he's a faggot too!"
"Hey Skin-Qaeda!" said Bakugo. "You gonna 9/11 this place, or infect our minds with Spongecum?"
"Please, I'm just trying to do my job", said Aladdin. "I don't want any trouble."
"Alright", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "Let's beat the shit out of him." They started approaching the counter.
Saitama clenched his One-fist. "We gotta do something."
"We can't", said George Lucas. "If either of us use our powers, we'd be given away."
"But we can't just let him get beaten like this!" said Saitama. George Lucas stood up and looked at Saitama.
"We can just leave", said George Lucas. "If we leave we don't have to watch."
"No", said Saitama. "Goddamit, I am a hero!" He got up and approached the three hooligans. "HEY!"
"What the fuck do you want, Stubby?" asked Ichigo. "We're busy here!"
"Leave him the fuck alone!" said Saitama.
"Pfft, what?" said Iron-Masked Marauder. "Why the fuck are you defending this clown?"
"He's probably a Skinwalker himself", said Bakugo, igniting napalm in his hand.
Saitama clenched his fist. "As a friend of mine would say..." He looked directly at the three before him, "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!"
"Alright, boys", said Ichigo Kurosaki. "Let's teach this asshole a lesson. The three of them lunged forward, and so did Saitama. But just as they were about to collide, they were stopped by what felt like a wall materializing between them. Saitama looked up and realized that it was not a wall that he had crashed into. It was a large African American man!
"My God", said George Lucas, his eyes wide. "Its... THE UNSKINABLE ONE".
"Oh shit, its Luke Cage!" said the Iron-Masked Marauder.
"Now, what the fuck are you punks doing?" Luke Cage asked the three assholes.
Bakugo started, "Uh, we were just..." Luke Cage smashed Bakugo in the stomach with his fist and sent him through the window.
"FUCK!" said Ichigo. "LET'S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"
"I can help you with that", said Luke Cage, and he picked both Ichigo and Iron-Masked Marauder by the head and flung them out the two unbroken windows. Iron-Masked Marauder landed on a car in traffic, which caused the driver (Tony Stark) to say "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"Thank you guys", said Aladdin. "I really owe you one. Is there anything I can do?" Luke Cage gave Aladdin a look.
"A cup of coffee should be fine", said Luke Cage.
"Right", said Aladdin. "And what can I do for you?"
"I already had my coffee", Saitama said, putting his hand in his pocket.
"Right", said Aladdin. "Really, thank you guys so much! I thought I was done for."
"Don't worry", said Luke Cage. "Those assholes won't be coming back anytime soon."
Back at the table, George Lucas was using his power to see if he could find a way to remove Luke Cage's Skin.
"Any Skinwalker who wears the skin of Luke Cage would be invincible", he muttered to himself. "Wait, there it is! There's the seam! Now I just..." He held himself back. "No, I can't. Not today. Not after what just happened."
Luke Cage grabbed his coffee, nodded to Aladdin and Saitama, and then left the building.
"I'm ready to go", said George Lucas.
"Then let's go", said Saitama. And so they went, leaving Aladdin to wave at them as they left.
Saitama and George Lucas sat on the pier, looking out over the sea.
"You're a good kid", said George Lucas. "I wish we weren't on opposite sides of this war."
"Yeah", said Saitama, kicking his leg out over the water.
George Lucas looked at Saitama. "I'm glad that my daughter chose you!"
"Ha, me too", said Saitama. George Lucas looked back to the see.
"When this is all over", he said, "I hope we can meet again. Maybe I... could walk my daughter down the aisle. Ha!" he wiped a tear from his cheek. They sat there in silence before Saitama spoke up.
"I was wondering... do you know anything about Solidus Snake? Is it true that he joined you guys?"
"He..." George Lucas bit his cheek and squinted his eyes. "I heard something about him. If he is with us, he's probably working under Master Xehanort. That's as much as I know."
"I see", said Saitama. He knew there was something he wasn't telling him, but he didn't press it.
They returned home, but this time George Lucas did not cross the doorstep.
"Goodbye", said George Lucas as he hugged his daughter tight. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, dad", said Rose. They let go and George Lucas looked at the two of them.
"I hope to see you two again", said George Lucas. "Until then, make sure to at least survive the war, even if you don't win."
"Surviving is what I do best!" said Saitama, holding up his Onefist.
"Ha!" said George Lucas. He turned around and walked away. The last words either of them ever heard him say were "May the Force be with you!"
TO BE CONTINUED