ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christopher Rangel

PT. 5: A SONG OF SNOW AND IRON

2 YEARS AGO

LONDON, ENGLAND

Not a sound was heard among the rubble, the desolation, the burning wreckage that once had been the Headquarters of the Hero Association. Chaotic rock and ruin lay in the heart of London, a silent memorial to the heroes who had fallen at the hands of mistake. One of those hands lay still upon the rubble, attached to an arm which had once belonged to a hero known as Saitama. This arm was picked up by another arm, connected to a man whose identity was shrouded by a dark cloak.

"This should come in handy", said the mysterious man, putting the arm into a cold, open suitcase, and closing it. He picked up the suitcase and took a little time to watch over the burning wreckage below. "I must remember to pay my dear brother a visit", the man said, before departing on hasty, purposeful footsteps, laughter crackling through the air in many voices.

THE PRESENT

NEW YORK CITY, NY

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Saitama, throwing his arm into the air. On the computer screen flashed the words "KING KAZMA WINS!" while a pixelated image of King Kazma jumped up and down in celebration.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jon Snow asked as he passed by.

"Fucking losing", said Saitama. "Fucking rabbit-ass mother-fucker, I bet he would lick his balls if he had any balls to lick but he doesn't. Maybe that's where he get's his strength. If only I had lost my balls instead of my arm, then I..."

"Hey", said Jon Snow, extending a glass of wine towards Saitama, "Settle down."

"Sorry", said Saitama, taking the glass. He took a sip. "Thanks."

"No problem", said Jon Snow. They each took a sip of their wine as Ghost came by and sat at Jon Snow's feet.

"So, I was wondering", said Saitama, "What were you up to after I, you know... threw you hundreds of feet through the air?"

"Ha!" said Jon Snow. "Hundreds of feet? Try hundreds of miles!"

"Really?" said Saitama. "Fuck."

"Yeah", said Jon Snow, sipping his wine. "Anyways, if you really want to hear about it..."

2 YEARS AGO

"The first thing I remember was this voice saying 'Hey! Jon Snow! Hey!' and then I felt a couple light kicks at my side. I realized that my black as I started coming to, and so I started opening my eyes.

'Hey! Jon Snow! Hey!' went the voice. My eyes were open, but the world was still a blur. 'Good, you're alive. You had me worried there!'

'Where am I?' I asked.

'France', said the blurred man. 'I found you in a crater in the dirt, Ghost sitting by your side and waiting for you to wake up. I brought you back here to give you somewhere... at least somewhat comfortable to finish resting."

'Huh', I said, and then my vision cleared. 'Oh, I hadn't recognized you, Danny.' It had been a while since I had seen Danny Rand, the man whose hero name was Iron Fist.

'I take it your vision has cleared up', said Danny. 'That's good.'

'Yes', I agreed. 'I assume you heard about what went down at the Hero Association HQ.'

'I did', said Danny. 'I wish I had been there. I'm one of the few people with a punch that can rival Saitama's. Perhaps things would have gone differently if I hadn't been away.'

'Perhaps', I said. I tried to sit up, but the pain put me back on my back. 'Shit.'

'Take it easy', said Danny. 'You took quite the hit!'

'You can say that again!' I said. I hesitated a moment. 'If you don't mind, I'm curious. Why weren't you at the Headquarters? What are you up to?' It was Danny's turn to hesitate then.

'I'm on a secret mission', said Danny.

'For the Association?' I asked.

'No', said Danny. 'Someone else.'

'I see', I said. 'I take it you can't tell me who this person is.'

'Correct', said Danny.

'You don't trust me?'

'Its not that', said Danny. 'Its just that this information is sensitive. Even if just you, someone that I trust, were to know, that might be a potential risk to the mission I'm on.'

'Do you need any help?' I asked. Danny thought for a moment.

'Well', he said. 'My objective isn't too far from here, and you do need some time to heal. I suppose a little help wouldn't hurt.'

'Alright', I said. 'I'll do whatever you need. If its that important, only tell me the information that I absolutely need to know.'

'Okay', said Danny. 'I'm glad you understand.'

'So where are we going, anyways?' I asked.

'I'm not entirely certain', said Danny. 'But there's not much further to go.'

'Alright', I said. 'I guess you lead the way.'

The next day Danny and I went outside, seemingly just to go for a walk.

'What are we doing?' I asked.

'I'm looking for a sign', said Danny. 'Something to tell me where I'm supposed to go next, or provide a hint as to what I'm supposed to be doing.'

'Wait, so you don't actually know what your mission is?'

'Of course not', said Danny. 'If I knew what I was supposed to do, then that would mean the enemy would be able to anticipate everything I was going to do. My master has insisted on directing me through subtle means to get the job done.'

'If you say so', I said. I couldn't really do much in my condition, so I stayed along with him.

'Hey, do you see those?' Danny asked, looking out over a pond.

'What?' I asked.

'These', Danny said, indicating some flowers that were on the shore of the pond. 'You know what kind of flowers these are?'

'Can't say that I do', I responded. Danny stooped down and looked closely at one of the flowers.

'Lotus flowers', he said. He stood up and observed the entire pond again. 'They're formed in an isosceles triangle, with the top-most point pointing in that direction. Come on, Jon Snow! We've got to climb that hill!'

And so we climbed that hill, and found ourselves looking down on a massive dome of darkness.

'That's our destination', said Danny. 'The Kingdom of Darkness'.

We walked down the hill and crossed through the dark barrier to a world of eternal darkness, lit by the houses that spotted the landscape and, at the center of it all, the grand, ancient castle. The artificial light shone upon grey grass and cast pale shadows across the land. After a decent walk we made it to the castle.

'What business do you have here?' asked one of the castle guards. Without saying a word, Danny took out a piece of paper and showed it to the guard.

'I see', said the guard. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Darkness.' As Danny put away the paper I noticed it had the image of a Lotus flower on it. The guards stepped out of the way and we entered the castle.

We made our way to the throne room, where a sort of celebration seemed to be happening, with people chatting in groups. There was also a Metal Gear dressed in kingly raiment. I wasn't entirely sure what that was about. Anyways, on the other side of the room the King and the Queen sat on their thrones, but when he saw us, the King stood up and made his way towards us.

'You must be King Dauntless', Danny said.

'I am', said King Dauntless. 'And you must be the Agent of the LotUS which I dreamed about.'

'I suppose I must be', Danny said with a smile.

'What is it that you're here for?'

'I don't know', said Danny. 'My master has deemed it important for me to figure out my mission on my own, so as not to grant the enemy any edge.'

'I see', said Dauntless. 'Come, let's walk!' We started walking towards a hallway to speak in private when all of a sudden a shriek burst out from someone in the hall. We turned around and saw people part as someone walked towards the thrones. Dauntless led our way to the aisle that formed, and we stood between the stranger and the throne. The first thing I noticed was that this man was carrying a boy's lifeless body, which no doubt why there was a shriek. Then I recognized the man: It was Liquid Snake, or Eli, as he preferred to be called.

'What are you doing here?' Dauntless asked. 'Who is it that you carry?'

'A dead son of your kingdom', Eli said, placing the boy at the king's feet. 'And my adoptive nephew.' I saw Dauntless's nose flair, and Danny's fist began to glow gold. I looked down at the boy, and realized it was none other than the villain. Gregory Stapleton of Winchester Nevada.

'Why did you bring him here?' asked Dauntless.

'This is the place where he was born', said Eli. 'I thought it would be right for his body to be returned here!'

'Well, you've returned him', said Dauntless. 'Now you may go.'

'Very well', said Liquid. As he turned he made eye contact with both me and Danny. As soon as he left the throneroom Danny looked at me.

'We have to follow him', Danny said.

'Why?' I asked.

'He is the mission', said Danny. 'Let's go!' So I followed him out.

'Wait!' said Dauntless. 'What do I do about this?' he indicated the body of Gregory Stapleton.

'Bury him', said Danny. 'Or burn him, or do whatever you usually do to the deceased here.' He took a breath. 'This is his home, after all.'

'Right', said Dauntless. He sighed. 'What a night to have an anniversary celebration.'

Danny and I left the castle and returned to the darkness of the countryside.

'Where did he go?' Danny wondered, looking in every direction and seeing no trace of Eli, the LotUS of Sanity.

'I'm right here', Eli's voice echoed, and suddenly the world submerged into... not even pure darkness, but absolute disappearance in terms of all senses.

'Danny!' I yelled. I drew my sword, and proceeded with caution, muttering 'The night is dark and full of terrors, but none so terrifying as me', under my breath. I couldn't feel the earth beneath my feet, but I hoped I was going forward. I kept my mind open, hoping to feel or sense anything at all. Then I saw one of the shadows move, and I pursued it.

'Danny, is that you?' I called.

'No, it is not him', Eli's voice echoed through the oblivion. Then the shadow jumped at me, pinning me to the ground. My sword disappeared a little ways away from me.

'Dammit', I said, wrestling with the shadow. I got it off of me, then get on top of it with the intention of choking it out, but when I wrapped my hands around its neck it melted back into the shadows. I reached around, trying to find my blade but to no avail.

'Where are you, you bastard?!' I called.

'Why do people keep calling me a bastard?' his voice echoed through the darkness. 'And why are you, of all people, calling me a bastard when you yourself are the bastard of Ned Stark?'

'You knew my father?' I asked. He only laughed in response. 'Do you know who my mother was?'

'I would be more curious as to who your father was', he said.

'What do you mean?' I asked.

'Oh, nothing', he responded. 'Just checking to see when you're from. I have a good idea now.' A curtain parted and I saw Eli walking towards me, carrying my sword.

'I believe this is your's', he said. He extended the handle to me, and I grabbed it cautiously, then slowly stepped back from him. He took a step back as well, which is when I charged forward and slashed at him. The moment I made contact was when the shroud of darkness dissipated, and a scream echoed through the eternal night. I looked down and saw what I had done.

'Dammit! Danny, I'm so sorry', I said.

'Its fine', Danny said, trying to pick himself up with his one remaining arm. 'He was playing a trick. I don't blame you for falling for it.'

'Your arm!'

'I've lost the Iron Fist', said Danny, 'But I haven't lost my life. While the Fist dies, Danny remains.'

'Indeed', said Eli, casually making his way towards us. 'And while you continue to remain, would you kindly tell your master, Alan, to fuck off? I'm sure the LotUS of Peace has better things to do than stalk little old me.'

'You've gone rogue', said Danny. 'Someone needs to keep an eye on you.'

'As you can see, I disagree', said Eli. He started walking away. 'Now if you excuse me, I have much business to attend to. As the Godchris would say: 'Sayonara!'' And just like that, he was gone.

I helped Danny back to the castle.

'This is not good', Danny said. 'He's become too powerful'.

'Don't worry about it', I said. 'If worse comes to worst, the Godchris will be more than capable of taking care of him.'

'I hope so', said Danny. 'But I have no idea what he's planning.'

We returned to the castle, where a doctor took care of Danny's wound. Then we left as soon as we arrived.

'Dammit, I'm useless', said Danny.

'Don't say that', I said. 'You may have lost the Fist, but there's still so much you can do.'

'If you say so', he said unconvinced. Once we crossed through the darkness we parted ways. I haven't seen him since.

I spent a few weeks in Normandy as I finished recovering our fight, then I returned to London and prepared to face you again. When I felt the opportunity was right, I went in for the attack, and now... here I am."

"Wow", said Saitama. "What a story, Jon."

"Thanks", said Jon Snow, finishing his wine. He looked into his empty glass. "You know, the way Danny's master sent him on his mission, guiding him like a hand of fate. It makes me think. What if there is some grand plan that we're all a part of, and what seems like random occurrence is just the subtle guidance of a hand of fate."

"I dunno", said Saitama. "I figure it doesn't really matter. Either way, we just have to keep living our lives and hope for the best." Saitama finished his wine.

"I guess", said Jon Snow. There was a knocking at the door.

"I'll get it!" Kamina yelled from somewhere in the house. There was the sound of footsteps, then of the door opening, then there were gunshots.

"Son of a bitch!" exclaimed Kamina, and there was the sound of struggle. Saitama and Jon Snow both got up and made for the door, where Kamina was fighting with a number of military men.

"Goddamit!" Jon Snow. "How did they know we were here?"

"I don't know!" said Kamina, "But I sure as fuck want them out of here!"

"Dammit, it must have been the game!" said Saitama. "They must have traced the signal!"

They all pressured the soldiers out of the house and continued the fight on the mansion's lawn. 2B, 9S, Sandor "The Hound" Clegane, and Rose joined in the fight, and while they all fought valiantly, they realized there was no way to win this fight.

"Its hopeless!" 9S yelled as he stabbed a soldier through the chest. "There's too many of them!"

"We need more power!" said Jon Snow. He looked to Saitama. "American Power!"

"Right!" said Saitama. He clenched his fist and focused as hard as he could, then he released all the energy he had built up and lifted his fist up towards the sky.

"Hey, what the fuck is that?" one of the soldiers asked as he looked up at the sky. An instant later a bald eagle descended from the sky and stabbed two sharp talons into each of the soldier's eyes, then flew to another as that soldier fell to the ground, screaming while holding his hands over eye sockets gushing blood. All of a sudden the entire army was bombarded by an army of eagles that would have made Gandalf proud.

"What do we do?" asked one of the soldiers.

"We can't shoot them!" said another one of the soldiers. "They're bald fucking eagles!" exclaimed another soldier.

"FALL BACK! FALL BACK!"

Childish Gambino leapt out from a bush and mowed down a whole lot of soldiers with an assault rifle. "Come on, guys! While they're distracted!" And so they all followed Childish Gambino's lead, with Gatsby and Stormy Daniels in the rear. Everyone was out of the mansion just in time as it was bombarded by a drone strike.

"Looks like Cool Satano is down a mansion", said Gatsby. "I'm glad I didn't have you guys crash at my mansion; I've only got one of those."

They hid out in a waterway.

"Well that's pretty fucked", said Kamina.

"What do we do now?" asked Rose. Stormy Daniels looked at Saitama with a smile.

"Yes, what do we do now?"

Saitama looked down at the ground and thought for a moment. "I guess its time to go to Washington!"

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump was looking out the window of the Oval Office with a glass of "Piss Whiskey" when General Robert E. Lee walked into the room.

"I trust that the raid was a success", said Donald Trump.

"Unfortunately not", said Robert E. Lee. "They all got away."

Donald Trump sighed. "No matter. Those pussy sucking dick eaters are in my world now, and they'll face no mercy on their road to our fight." He left the Oval Office, leaving General Lee there, bowing to his President.

Donald Trump made his way down a hallway and to an elevator, which he took to an underground chamber. He walked down a long, granite hallway and went through the door at the end.

"They're on their way now", said Donald Trump.

Solidus Snake slowly looked up, his chained, withered body shaking from the effort. The flesh on his skin wrinkled as he said "Good. I hope you're ready for them."

"I wouldn't be worried about me", said Donald Trump. He turned back to the door to leave. "I know that I'm not."

TO BE CONTINUED