ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER

Written by Christoher Rangel

PT. 6: REVERSE BALROG

Sasha Grey walked into a bar that was a very roughneck sort of place and took her seat.

"What'll you have?" asked the bartender, Korra.

"Whiskey", said Sasha Grey.

"Straight?" asked Korra.

"Straight as my ex", said Sasha Grey.

"Ah, got it", said Korra. She gave Sasha Grey her drink.

"Thanks", said Sasha Grey, and she pounded that drank, boi!

The door opened again and someone took a seat next to Sasha Grey.

"Sasha Grey..."

"Johnny Sins", said Sasha Grey. "Long time no see."

"Yeah", said Johnny Sins. He turned to Korra and said "I'll have what she had."

"Straight?"

"As straight as her ex."

"Gotcha!"

"Let's cut the shit, Johnny", said Sasha Grey. "What the fuck do you want?"

"I need your help", said Johnny Sins. "We need your help."

Korra gave Johnny Sins his drink, but Sasha Grey snatched and drank it herself before he could reach it.

"I left that scene behind", said Sasha Grey. "You know that."

"I know", said Johnny Sins. "But this is important, and you may be involved anyways."

"I've heard about enough of your shit", said Sasha Grey, and she got up and made for the door.

"Sasha, wait!" said Johnny Sins.

Right before Sasha Grey made it to the door, someone on the other side opened it up, revealing three armed soldiers with the words "PORN SQUAD" printed across their vests.

"Fuck!" said Sasha Grey, and she started backing away.

"EXECUTE ORDER 69!" Donald Trump's voice rang through the bar from one of the Porn Squad's walkie-talkies. The soldiers readied their guns and opened fire. Korra ducked behind her bar, and Johnny Sins tackled Sasha Grey to get her out of the way.

"Its not a question of whether or not you want to be a part of this. You are a part of this, and you're gonna have to come with me if you want to live! Goddammit, you've still number 13 on the IMPs"

"Fuck", said Sasha Grey. "Alright!" And they ran for the backdoor.

"They're getting away!" said one of the soldiers. "After them!"

"Where are we going?" asked Sasha Grey.

"I know a guy", said Johnny Sins. "He's a Baldman. LIKE ME!"

Everything changed once the President issued Order 69. Pornstars across the country were hunted like dogs, and those who didn't lose their lives were locked up in terrible conditions.

WASHINGTON D.C.

Donald Trump stepped onto the White House lawn as Velma, the Goddess LotUS of Sex, descended from the sky to face him.

"Donald, stop this madness!" said Velma.

"Stop this madness?" guffawed Donald Trump. "I am stopping this madness. Your madness! The madness that you think that putting a camera in the room makes it legal to exchange money for sex! WRONG!"

"We both know this has nothing to do with that", said Velma.

"Do we?" said Donald Trump. He turned to Mike Pence and said, "No, actually, do we?"

"No, we don't know that", said Mike Pence.

"We don't know that!" said Donald Trump.

"You realize this means war, don't you?" asked Velma.

"You realize this means you're a whore, don't you?" asked Donald Trump.

"War it is", said Velma, and she turned away to go back the way she came, but then Donald Trump hit her over the head with a steel pipe.

"Lock her up with the Snake Boi", said Donald Trump, and he went back into the White House.

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

"We're not too far from the New Jersey/ Delaware border", said Gatsby from the driver's seat of his White Limo.

"Thank the Godchris!" said Saitama. "I'm not sure how much more Jersey I can take! Its such a shit state!"

"Such a shit state", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.

"Such a fucking shit state", agreed Saitama. "I hope nothing bad happens that would mean we'd have to spend more time in shitty fucking New Jersey!" It was at that moment that a fully armed military chopper appeared over the horizon and shot a hundred missiles towards the limo.

"NOOOOO!" said Saitama. "Drive, man, drive! If we're gonna be hit by those missiles, at least let it be after we cross the border so we don't have to actually set foot on shitty fucking New Jersey ground."

"Right", said Gatsby, and he stepped on the gas.

"I've got this", said Stormy Daniels, and she lifted a hand to destroy the helicopter with Pure Pornographic Energy, but none such energy would activate. "What?" she clutched her head. "I sense a disturbance."

"Yeah, me too", said Kamina.

"The LotUS of Sex", Saitama, Kamina, and Stormy Daniels said in unison.

"What about her?!" Jon Snow yelled over a missile that exploded next to the car.

"Something's happened to her", said Stormy Daniels. "We need to make it to DC fast!"

"I'm doing the best I can!" said Gatsby as he swerved out of the way of another missile.

"Let me handle this", said Childish Gambino. He put on a Rambo-ass bandanna, opened up a window, and pointed a rocket launcher at the chopper.

"Rest in pieces, motherfucker", said Childish Gambino, and he pulled the trigger. "Fuck, I'm out of ammo!"

"Are you fucking my asshole?!" said Gatsby. "Can anyone take this motherfucker out of the sky?!"

"Drive towards the next missile that comes by!" said Childish Gambino.

"What?!" said Gatsby. "Why the fuck would I do that?!"

"So that I can catch one of the chopper's missiles in my missile launcher and shoot it back at it."

"Will that even fucking work?" asked Rose.

Childish Gambino turned to Rose and gave her a smile. "You bet it will."

"Alright, I'm fucking doing it, old sport!" said Gatsby, and he drove towards the next missile while Childish Gambino held his rocket launcher out the window.

"Come on, come on!" said Childish Gambino. The missile made contact with the missile launcher. "FUCK!" Childish Gambino said as the missile took his launcher right out of his hand, then detonated behind Gatsby's limo, throwing it right off of the road.

Saitama found himself lying on the road, his arm stretched forward. He looked up and saw a sign saying "WELCOME TO DELAWARE", but his hand was just out of reach of the border.

"No..." said Saitama. "I'm still in fucking New Jersey. Fuck! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"What the fuck was that, old sport?!" said Gatsby. "Why the fuck did you think that would work?"

"Hey, man", said Childish Gambino. "You thought it would work, too!"

"Settle down, guys", said Kamina. "We've got bigger problems on our hands." The helicopter hovered in the air above the team. The door opened, and someone poked their head out of the helicopter. It was The Governor (from The Walking Dead).

"Hello!" shouted the Governor. "I am the Governor. But you can call me... THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY!"

"Bastard!" Yelled Saitama. "WHY IS YOUR STATE SO SHITTY?!"

"FUCK YOU!" yelled The Governor, and he jumped out of the helicopter and did a superhero landing in front of the group. The helicopter crashed into some poor fucker's house. "I hope that you learn to love my state, because after I fucking kill you, I'm gonna fucking bury you RIGHT WHERE YOU STAND!" The Governor rushed towards the group, who stood ready to fight. "AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!" The Governor screamed as he held his hand to his heart. Suddenly his body was covered by mighty red white and blue armor.

"Tch", said Kamina. "American Power."

"Damn right this is American Power", said The Governor. He punched the ground with an armored fist, shattering the ground beneath the group's feet and sending them into the air. "YOU!" The Governor shouted, pointing at Saitama.

"Oh, fuck me", Saitama as The Governor leaped towards him, grabbed him by the neck, and continued soaring through the sky.

"You've fucked up now!" said Saitama. "I'm gonna reverse Balrog you!"

"If you think that you're fucking Gandalf in this Reverse Balrog fight then you've got another thing coming!" yelled The Governor, smacking Saitama across the face.

"I'm not saying I'm fucking Gandalf, but I'm definitely not the fucking Balrog!" said Saitama as he bitch slapped The Governor.

"Did you just fucking bitch slap me?!" asked The Governor.

"You bet I did!" said Saitama.

"I'm gonna fucking close a bridge on you, dick!" said The Governor, and he punched Saitama in the gut, sending him higher into the sky.

Before long they were on the fucking moooooon!

"Bonjour", said one of the Moonmen.

"Not now, Moonmen!" said The Governor.

"Ils ne sont pas Disnians. Laissez les être", said another Moonman, and the Moonmen went away.

"You've made a huge mistake", said Saitama.

"How so?" asked The Governor.

"You should know that if there's one thing you don't do with Saitama of the Onefist, its The Reverse Balrog."

"Why so?"

"Because what goes up must come down", said Saitama. He punched The Governor in the gut, sending them both back down to Earth. "And so The Reverse Balrog unreverses to a regular Balrog!"

"OOF!" said The Governor as he was punched repeatedly by Saitama as they passed through the clouds.

"THIS IS FOR EVERY STATE THAT IS NOT NEW JERSEY!" said Saitama. "HOW DARE YOU TARNISH THE USA WITH YOUR SHIIIIIT!"

The Governor's body broke completely and immediately as it crashed into the ground.

"Liberty and Prosperity?" said Saitama. He spat on The Governor's corpse. "More like Libershitty and Pissperity!"

"Saitama, what have you done?" asked Childish Gambino. "Oh Godchris, what have you done?"

"I fucking killed this bitch! Hah!" said Saitama.

"Oh God, you... oh God..." said Childish Gambino. Suddenly the Earth started to shake beneath them.

"What's happening?" asked 9S.

"The Qliphoth", said Childish Gambino. "You can't just kill the governor of a state! If a state is left without a governor, that state will fall into the Qliphoth!" (See "Dialga and Palkia and Pure Evil")

"Fuck it", said Saitama. "Its just New Jersey, and the border is right there!"

"Are you kidding me?!" said Kamina. "You can't just let the entire state of New Jersey die!"

"Why not?" asked Saitama.

"Saitama, do you accept the responsibility of being the governor of the state of New Jersey?" asked Childish Gambino.

"Fuck no!" said Saitama.

"Don't you fucking need more American Power, old sport?" asked Gatsby.

"I do", said Saitama. "But not this way. Any way but this way!"

Sandor "The Hound" Clegane groaned. "If he won't do it, then I will." The ground stopped shaking. Childish Gambino shook The Hound's hand.

"Congratulations, Governor Sandor", said Childish Gambino.

"Thank you", said The Hound. "Uh, I don't have to stay in New Jersey, do I. 'Cause I gotta say... it is kinda shit here."

"Nah, you can keep going with us", said Childish Gambino.

"Thank the Godchris!" said The Hound.

"Hey, guys, you might want to see this!" said 2B. Everyone went to her and looked over the corpse of The Governor.

"Look at this", said 2B. She bent over and put a hand on The Governor's eye patch, then slowly removed it from his face, revealing an eye beneath. The eye of another man, and a piece of another's face. She started removing more of The Governor's face, revealing an entire other face lying beneath it.

"Chris Christie?" Everyone said, confused.

"Holy shit", said Kamina. "That means..."

"Skinwalkers have infiltrated the American Government", said Childish Gambino.

"Things just keep getting better, don't they", said Saitama. "Anyways, can we get the fuck out of New Jersey now?"

"NOT SO FAST!" came a pair of voices. It was The Situation and Snooki, and they were spinning around their dicks like it was fucking meat spin. The team just walked past them and left New Jersey behind.

The next few days were rough, as they fought through stormy weather and hot, sunny days, evading the law and surviving off the land.

"My arm may be strong", said Saitama as everyone was hiking up a hill. "But my legs are weak. How much further do we have to go?"

"We're there", said Childish Gambino. Once they peaked the cliff, the city of Washington D.C. was spread out beneath them, with the White House waiting in the distance.

"I'm coming, Solidus", said Saitama. "And I want answers!"

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to make an offer!"

"Go away. I don't want your offer."

"That's fine. I just thought you might be interested in having a full set of limbs again, but I suppose I was wrong. I'll just go."

"...No, wait." (Audience Laughter)

TO BE CONTINUED