ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER
Written by Christopher Rangel
PT. 7: STILL SEARCHING FOR YOUR FAITH...
"So this is it, huh?" said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.
"Yeah, looks like", said Kamina. He turned to Saitama. "Do you think we'll be enough to win this?" Saitama bit his cheek.
"I hope so", said Saitama. "Its now or never. The time for preparation is over. Either we win this today, or we die today."
"Right", said 9S.
"No matter what happens today, I accept my fate", said 2B.
"HELLOOOO!" called a voice. Everyone turned to the right and saw Johnny Sins and Sasha Grey approaching the group.
"Johnny Fucking Sins!" said Saitama. He walked towards them and clasped Johnny Sins's hand. "How the hell have you been keeping, then?"
"Its been alright", said Johnny Sins. "So this is the day, then."
"Yeah", said Saitama. "We're taking back to porn industry, or dying trying!"
"Ha", said Johnny Sins. "That's the spirit."
"But did you really expect to win with only ten of you?" asked Sasha Grey.
"Yeah..." Saitama scratched his Baldhead. "To be honest, we were just kind of hoping for the best."
"You don't need to worry about that", said Johnny Sins. He snapped his finger and the rest of the Goddess of Sex's harem appeared on the hillside.
"Holy shit!" said Saitama.
"Hey, I remember you!" said Riley Reid.
"Hey, back off!" said Rose, holding Saitama's arm.
"YOOOOOOO!" Came a voice from behind them. They turned back and saw Alexander Hamilton leading the Revolutionary Army up the other side of the hill.
"No way!" said Saitama. Alexander Hamilton stood at Childish Gambino's side.
"Childish Gambino here told me that you guys needed help fighting the President, and I thought what good is a revolution without a Revolutionary Army!"
"YEEEAAAH!" screamed the Revolutionary Army behind him.
"Holy shit", said Kamina. "It that..."
"It is", said Gatsby. Hidden in the ranks of the Revolutionary Army was Bradley Cooper, dressed in his American Sniper costume.
"His sniper rifle cock is almost poking out of his pants", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.
"I know", said Jon Snow. "So fuckin' American!"
"And Joric Jojian, the Armenian JoJo, is here too!" said Gatsby.
Saitama just looked at the army that had come to his aid for this battle, overwhelmed with emotion.
"What did I do to... to deserve all of you?" said Saitama, wiping a tear from his cheek.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK
"Jasmine, I'm home!" said Aladdin as he entered his and Jasmine's apartment.
"Al, get in here! You're gonna want to see what's happening!"
Aladdin put his fez on the hat rack and said "I'll be right there!" He entered the living area and looked at the TV. The news was on, with a headline reading "BALDMAN INVADES D.C."
"This afternoon, residents of Washington D.C. were surprised to see what seemed to be a large army pass right through there city; Thousands of people walking down the streets, between buildings, just washing through the city like a wave, all the way to the White House", said the newswoman, April O'Neill.
"Damn", said Aladdin. "Shit is going down, huh?"
"Yeah", said Jasmine.
"At this time officials have confirmed that fugitive ex-Hero celebrity pornstar Saitama has been seen at the front of the army, though his rank in the army is not clear at this time."
"Wait, I know that guy!" said Aladdin as a picture of Saitama appeared on the television screen. "He's one of the guys that saved me from those punks that came to Starbucks the other day. He must have cut his hair off, though... or maybe he was wearing a wig."
"What do we do now?" asked Jasmine. Aladdin sat on the couch.
"Just sit back and watch history unfold, I guess."
THE WHITE HOUSE
Saitama stood at the gate to the White House, his closest friends behind him and the rest of his army behind them. He watched as the doors to the White House opened, and out stepped President Donald Trump. He stood among the marble pillars as the gates opened. Saitama stepped forward, followed by Kamina, Rose, 2B, 9S, Jon Snow, Sandor "The Hound" Clegane, Gatsby, Childish Gambino, and Stormy Daniels. Alexander Hamilton and Johnny Sins stayed at the gate, right at the head of the army.
"I've been expecting you", said Donald Trump.
"Glad to hear it", said Saitama, cracking his Onefist.
"This doesn't have to result in war", said Donald Trump. "Hell, it doesn't even have to result in a fight at all. Come, I want to have a one on one talk with you."
Saitama looked back at Kamina, who nodded. "I accept your offer", said Saitama.
"Excellent", said Donald Trump. "Come inside, then." He went back in the White House, and Saitama crossed the White House lawn and went inside as well.
"We'll go to the Oval Office", said Donald Trump. So they went to the Oval Office. Donald Trump took a seat at his desk, while Saitama was left to stand.
"Do you drink whiskey?" Donald Trump asked.
"I'm more of a beer guy, to be honest", said Saitama, looking around uncomfortably.
"Fair enough, fair enough", said Donald Trump, pouring himself some whiskey.
"Where's Solidus?" asked Saitama.
"He's alive", said Donald Trump. "That's the important thing, right?" Saitama was granted a little relief.
"So", said Saitama, "What do you want to discuss."
Donald Trump took a sip of his whiskey. "I'm sure you already know, but it was all bullshit. Order 69, the whole taking down the porn industry thing. All bullshit. You know, I watch plenty of porn. I still do! I'm just like any other red blooded American, sometimes I just gotta choke the ol' Presidential chicken while watching 'hot lesbian kissing' videos. I don't have anything against you, or any other pornstar, and to be honest the whole 'Solidus Snake is a Skinwalker' thing was probably a big misunderstanding. All I want is Stormy Daniels. I did all of this to weed her out, to find her, and it worked! She's right here, right on my lawn. Like, usually when someone accuses me of having an affair, I'll just be like 'no I did not!', but she's, like, the Patron Saint of Pornstars. Like, this bitch has superpowers, and could probably beat the shit out of me if I bad-mouthed her too much, so the only option I see is to just go full treason on this bitch. All I ask of you is to hand her over, and you'll get everything. The porn industry will be saved, you'll have Solidus back, you won't be a fugitive anymore, it'll be great! It'll be great. So what do you say? Do we have a deal?"
"What would happen if I were to say no?" asked Saitama. "War?"
"No, not war", said Donald Trump, standing up. "Not immediately, anyways. We'd have a duel."
"A duel?" Saitama asked, almost laughing. Donald Trump hit the button on his wall, revealing his orange Iron Man suit.
"Yes", said Donald Trump. "A duel."
"Then I guess we're having a duel", said Saitama.
"Ha!" said Donald Trump. "Very well. I'll meet you outside. I've got to put this on."
Rose bit her cheek anxiously. "What do you think is going on in there?"
"I don't know", said Kamina. "I just hope it doesn't last much longer." That was when Saitama exited the White House, followed by a number of US soldiers, beginning to form a semi-circle.
"What the hell is this?" asked Jon Snow.
"Don't panic", said Childish Gambino. "Looks like we've got a duel on our hands. We must form a semi-circle to meet their's."
"Saitama's got this", said Kamina, a confident smile on his face.
"I hope so", said Stormy Daniels.
"You worried?" asked Kamina.
"No", said Stormy Daniels. "I just can't believe it had to come to this."
Velma woke up to find herself chained up in a cell of concrete.
"Good, you're awake", said a voice from next to her. She looked over.
"Solidus Snake!" said Velma.
"In the flesh", said Solidus Snake.
"How long have I been down here?" Velma asked.
"A few days now, must be", said Solidus. "Its hard to tell without a clock."
"Understandable", said Goddess LotUS of Sex Velma. She looked up at the wrist restraints that kept her pinned to the wall. "Ironic. Trapped by my own kink."
"Don't worry", said Solidus Snake. "Help should be on the way soon."
"You mean Saitama?" asked Velma.
"Yes", said Solidus Snake. "Or, like, you know... it could be someone else. Who knows?"
There was the loud smashing sound of a metal door getting decimated with a super-powerful fist.
"Saitama!" exclaimed Velma.
"Or someone else..." Solidus muttered under his breath. Then their own cell door was punched, and it went flying to the opposite wall with another loud sound.
"GOD-FUCKING CHRIS!" exclaimed Velma. "We could have been chained to that fucking wall!"
"Uh, sorry", said the man who was breaking them out. As he stepped into the light, she realized it wasn't Saitama; it was Danny Rand, the Iron Fist.
"You came just in time, Danny", said Solidus as Danny broke his restraints.
"Thanks, uh... Solidus", said Danny. "Do I break her out as well?"
"Of course", said Solidus. Danny did so, but something wasn't sitting well with Velma.
"Wait, we're in a super-secret prison somewhere near the White House. How did you know how to find us?"
Solidus and Danny exchanged a look. "Uh, intuition", they both said. Velma squinted at Solidus, then her eyes widened in shock.
"Wait, you're..." Solidus punched her in the face, knocking her out.
"I'm sorry, old friend", Solidus said as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. "I couldn't have you say what you were about to say. The Audience is always watching. Always."
Saitama stood in his corner of the ring, getting ready for his fight.
"This is it!" said Kamina. "The final battle! Are you ready?"
"You bet I fucking am!" said Saitama, throwing a punch with his fist.
"Attaboy!" said Kamina. "Your fist will be the fist to pierce this asshole!" Just then Donald Trump walked out of the White House in his orange Iron Man suit. Saitama went to the center of the ring to meet him. The head part of the Iron Man suit retracted, so Saitama and Donald Trump stood face to face.
"Its not too late to back down", said Donald Trump. "This suit was specially made by Stark Industries to be worn by the President of the United States of America. It was designed to harness and amplify the American Power that channels through someone once they've been elected president. I am the ultimate conduit of American Power!"
"Oh yeah?" said Saitama. "Well, I've watched Jersey Shore.
Donald Trump smirked. "Really? Well, this should be interesting, then!" They got in fighting pose and were ready to go, when they saw someone step out of the White House.
"This should be interesting indeed!" shouted Solidus.
"Solidus!" said Saitama.
"And he's got the Goddess of Sex on his shoulder!" said Stormy Daniels.
"What's Danny Rand doing here?" wondered Jon Snow.
"What the fuck is going on?" asked Donald Trump. "We were going to have a duel. We were going to have an honorable duel, in which I was going to be honorable, and you just go ahead, cheat, and break out my captives through some scheme?"
"I had no part in this", said Saitama, "but it does look like things worked out in my favor." Solidus Snake and Danny Rand walked across the White House lawn. Solidus handed a still unconscious Velma to Stormy Daniels, then he and Danny Rand stood beside Saitama, facing off against Donald Trump.
Donald Trump scowled. "I'll be willing to forgive this if the duel commences as it should have."
"I don't think so", said Solidus. His fist started glowing as bright as a star with American Power.
"Wait, what are you doing?" asked Saitama. All he could do was watch as Solidus delivered a wicked uppercut, smashing right through Donald Trump's Iron Man suit and piercing right through his chest.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Saitama. Behind him Childish Gambino only held his hand to his mouth. Stormy Daniel's eyes were wide.
"You... bastard!" spat Donald Trump as Solidus lifted him into the air with the arm that was planted in his chest.
"I hate it when people call me that", said Solidus, and suddenly he started glowing red, white, and blue as he sapped the American Power directly out of Donald Trump. Donald Trump turned to Saitama.
"That... isn't... Solidus..." said Donald Trump. "The Story... is going... wrong..."
Solidus flung Donald Trump's colorless body into the semi-circle of US Soldiers, then clenched his fist.
"Heh", said Solidus. "Election by Execution, I suppose. By absorbing the American Power of the President using my own American Power, I've become the President of the United States of America."
"Who are you?" asked Saitama, readying his fist.
"Well", said Solidus. "Even as we speak, the name 'George Sears', the birth name of Solidus Snake, has been added to every American History textbook in existence under the title '46th President', but in truth..." He grabbed at his chin, then pulled off the face of Solidus Snake. "I am his brother, once known as the 'Liquid Snake'. Eli!"
"The LotUS of Sanity!" exclaimed Jon Snow, drawing his bastard sword Longclaw. He looked at Danny Rand. "Why are you working with him?!"
"We had a deal", said Danny Rand, revealing his new arm.
"That arm..." said Saitama.
"It looks familiar, yes?" said Eli. "It should. It used to be your's."
"The deal", said Danny Rand, "Was that if I agreed to help him, he'd give me an arm as powerful as the one I lost."
"I was there", said Eli, "The day you destroyed the Hero Association HQ in London. Surely you remember feeling those impulses, like when you had Batman impaled on a flagpole, or when you felt the urge to kill Jon Snow. Those tiny impulses were all that I needed to emit to send the entire Hero Association over the edge and destroy itself, all for the sake of my nephew, Gregory Stapleton of Winchester Nevada. The Villain. The Bane of Christmas. Alas, he ended up dead anyways. Poor boy."
"How long have you been wearing Solidus's skin?" Saitama asked, seething.
"Long enough", said Eli. He laughed. "I suppose the Godchris would want to leave that up to interpretation, now, wouldn't he?"
"You know that I'm going to kill you, right?" asked Saitama.
"I know that you're going to try!" said Eli. (Enter Music: "Roundabout" by Yes) "But do you really think you have enough American Power to defeat me?!" Eli did a JoJo pose, and then all of a sudden a muscular, half-man half-bald eagle figure appeared behind him, dressed in red, white, and blue armor.
STAND NAME:
「AMERICA」
STAND MASTER:
「LOTUS MASTER OF SANITY ELI OVER AMERICA: 」
"Holy shit!" said Kamina. "He was able to mold his American Power into a Stand!"
"Come on, Saitama", said Eli. "LET'S FIGHT!"
TO BE CONCLUDED...