PREVIOUSLY ON THE "WINTER LEAVES" SAGA
WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE
"Just give up", Risch said.
"Give up?" I repeated. "Give up?! GIVE UP?!" I mustered all of my energy and ran right towards Risch, and he looked up just as I stabbed him upwards, carrying him in the air with my sword.
"Right", said Risch. "I guess I was at a disadvantage from the start." The dome disappeared, and I was back in the battlefield, all of my friends around me, cheering. I looked up in horror at Risch as he hung in the air from my sword like a shishkebab.
"Remember... what I said", said Risch before he slowly vaporized into smaller particle.
"I know what has to be done", I whispered. I sheathed Aquamarine Nightmare and turned to my army.
RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH
"The Death Emperor is one of the LOTUS; the Lords of the Undefined Symbols. We... you all wield power over the things that God does not know. Death. Peace. Sex. There are plenty of other things, too, but you'll meet the other LOTUS... soon enough."
"I didn't want this..." said Tommy.
"Me neither", said Chaos Finster. "I just wanted to be the guy that killed Dracula. But you know, I guess, in the end, we all just have to live with our actions, and then die by them."
TWICE UPON A MATTRESS: A LIFETIME IN THE DARK
"First, there's something I must tell you; a vision I've received from the Unborn God, a prophecy." Gandalf cleared his throat, "On the fallen leaves of Autumn rise the first cold flames of Winter. But Winter leaves like a son in a parade, and in the barren soil left behind, Spring flowers blossom like the crimson tears of my heart, then grow, mature, and thrive within the mothering warmth of Summer light, only, in the end, to wither, lie, and die on the fallen leaves of Autumn." He looked at Larkin, then Gregory Stapleton. "I'm not sure why I was chosen to bare this message, but I believe that your son is The Autumn Leaf I saw, drifting throughout all the seasons and spreading its decay. I'm sure, in the days to come, the other symbols, The Winter Son, The Spring Flower, The Summer Light, will all be revealed. Yes, I'm sure of it."
"Why are you telling me this?" asked Larkin.
"Because", began Gandalf, "I fear that I won't even make it past the Winter, and somebody needs to know this. I know that these words need to stay remembered to the end for the cycle to continue."
FOUR GOODNESS' SNAKES
"I am not Liquid Snake", said Eli. "Nor the person who went by the codename Liquid Snake. And you are not Solid Snake." He looked Solid Snake in the eye. "We are nothing but Fragments of those people."
"Fragments?"
"The... Godchris", Eli said with a smirk, "While being the god of this world, is not so much a god as he is a thief. While his avatar walks among us, his true self has seen into millions of different worlds, including our own. Nearly every person that inhabits this world he has pulled from another world to live here as a fragment. He does not create. He steals. He kidnaps. He uses us as puppets in a cosmic puppet show that he puts on for his own amusement. Even now..." Liquid smirked sadly. "Well, even I have to play the part he's given me..."
THE DARKNESS BEHIND MY I'S: AN ICARLY STORY
Alright then let me just check the official winter leaves like a son in a parade facebook page for what we are supposed to do next." Said king kazma. He walked along the posts until he found the one with this story in it and then he read it and said "oh we're almost at the end, we just have to all decide to make our team and then look off dramatically towards the rest of facebook."
So they climbed up to where my name was which is Cole Petano because it was my facebook they were logged into and they all perched across my name and looked down into the endless abyss of facebook. Parts of it were on fire. Parts of it were completely abandoned like the filthy frank sector. While they were looking the old dnd page I used in highschool slid off into the datasea and sank to be eaten by the kraken.
GUTEN LAGEN
Simon (pronounced 'Simon') had a problem: he had taken a metaphor too far. For twenty-seven years, from his time as a frightened mole-person to battles across the planet to battles across the universe, he had relied on two things: his pride and masculinity, as a metaphor for his dick; and the spiral of his Core Drill, as a metaphor for the human will to power.
DIALGA AND PALKIA AND PURE EVIL: A TALE IN AN OUT OF THE ABYSS
"What's going on here? What happened to my friends?" Palkia yelled. The gravy was making it harder for him to move and was so thick that it couldn't be seen through. Captain America could attack at any second, and Palkia wouldn't be able to see it coming.
"Welcome to the United Universe of America bitch." Captain America yelled. He leapt out of the gravy behind Palkia. Within moments, Captain America's shield had been forced into Palkia's back. Palkia lost his balance, tripped, and began to fall into the gravy pool.
ONE FIST MAN
Saitama staggered away from the wreckage behind him, still holding onto his stump. He had to make it to the hospital fast; he was bleeding out.
Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Solidus Snake!
"I heard about what happened", said Solidus. "Well, saw it too." He looked out in the distance. "Well, don't worry about it kid. You know, heroes are temporary; many of them turn to evil once faced with the right circumstances. But porn, on the other hand..." dramatic pause, "Porn is forever. And you've still got one fist."
AND NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE OF "WINTER LEAVES" PHASE I:
ONE FIST MAN 3: PORN IS FOREVER
Written by Christopher Rangel
PT. FIN8L: ...IN THE ARM THAT KILLED THE PRESIDENT
2 YEARS AGO
"You will never defeat me!" Red Skull yelled menacingly from the cockpit of his giant mech. "What you see before you is the UNSTERBLICH TODESGOTT, the ultimate creation of German technology!" He raised his fist into the air. "GERMAN TECHNOLOGY IS THE GREATEST!"
"Sure", said Saitama. He punched the mech as he passed by and it instantly exploded, killing Red Skull in a blaze of orange flame.
"Amazing, sensei!" said Genos. "Truly inspirational, as usual!"
"If you say so", said Saitama. He sat on the edge of a cliff and watched the sun set over a crimson sea.
"What do we do next, sensei?" asked Genos.
"I dunno", said Saitama. "Wanna watch the sun set?"
"If you believe that is the best course of action, then I will, sensei!" Genos took a seat next to Saitama.
"Genos", said Saitama, "Do you ever get tired of fighting?"
"Never, sensei", said Genos. "Fighting is what I was made for!"
"You've still got the spirit", said Saitama. "I'm not sure I have it anymore."
"What do you mean, sensei?"
"All I do is fight and fight, hurt and hurt, kill and kill", said Saitama. "I know that I'm putting an end to some people who are doing wrong, but I'm just not sure I'm solving any problems. The ideas that spawn the evils of this world, the prejudices, the problems, they're all still there. These villains that I defeat, they're not the problems; they're merely products of the real problems of the world."
"Even so", said Genos, "This is as much of the problem as we can take care of."
"I guess", said Saitama. The Sun touched the horizon. "Even so, I feel like there must be some sort of way to take care of these problems."
"Like what?"
"I don't know", said Saitama. "Maybe its just as simple as creating better ideas for people to think about, making art to make people more content about living the life they've been given." He looked at his right fist. "But all I've got are my fists."
"Can you create art with a fist?"
"I don't know", said Saitama. He smirked. "Maybe I can make porn!"
"I believe in you no matter what you try to do!" said Genos.
"Well, I mean, I was joking", said Saitama. "...But maybe! So long as I don't literally destroy anyone's asshole with my fists." He took out a flyer he had picked up earlier in the day.
"HENTAIDOTCOM LOOKING FOR A NEW FACE OF FISTING" it said, with a picture of Solidus Snake raising his fist into the air.
THE PRESENT
Eli, the man formerly known as Liquid Snake and wearing the skin of Solidus Snake, raised his fist into air and began floating into the sky.
"That's not fair!" said Saitama. "How the hell am I supposed to fly?!"
"Ha!" said Eli. "Well, if you're not truly equipped to face me, then I suppose you've failed. Vice President Danny Rand, kill them all!"
"Yes sir", said Danny Rand. He walked forward, cracking the knuckles on Saitama's old right hand. Kamina started forward as if to face him, but Saitama held him back.
"No, this one is mine", said Saitama. He looked Kamina in the eye. "Its my fist. Its my problem."
"Right", said Kamina. 9S and 2B summoned their flight units, and Childish Gambino took flight with his power of flight as well, all pursuing the LotUS of Sanity. On the ground, Kamina, Stormy Daniels, Sandor Clegane, Gatsby, Jon Snow, and Rose fought with the soldiers that formed the other half of the circle, while Saitama and Danny Rand began to fight in the middle of it. War raged through Washington D.C. between the American Army commanded by LotUS Master of Sanity Eli and the Revolutionary Pornography Army led by Alexander Hamilton, Johnny Sins, and Sasha Grey.
"We've met before, haven't we?" asked Saitama.
"I don't think so", said Danny Rand.
"Oh, it must have been your mom", said Saitama. "Yeah, I definitely fisted her with that arm you're using now." Danny Rand screamed, charged forward, and slammed Saitama in the face with his own arm, sending him flying backwards into the bigger battle. The battle parted as Danny Rand made his way towards Saitama.
"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that", said Danny Rand.
"Well, for the record, she didn't mind when I talked TO her like that", said Saitama as he struggled to stand up. "Damn I pack a heavy punch", he muttered under his breath.
Danny Rand scowled and brought down his fist towards Saitama's Baldhead, but Saitama was ready and countered with a punch of his own. The force of the two equally powerful fists sent a shockwave throughout the battlefield, causing many people to lose their balance and fall over.
"WOAH!" said famous actor Sunplation Bruce Willis Tom Hanks Bela (Sebastian this is u). "I almost lost my balance there!"
"Oh, hey Sunplation!" said Cool Satano, who was also part of the battle.
"Cool Satano, fancy seeing you here!" said Sunplation.
"Yeah", said Cool Satano. "Oh, I got something for you, by the way." He reached into his ass and pulled out a box of wigs.
"My box of wigs!" said Sunplation.
"A gift from the Godchris", said Cool Satano. Sunplation put on a blonde wig.
"Oh, hey guys", said Joric Jojian.
"Oh, hey JoJo", said Cool Satano and Sunplation.
"You guys fighting in this war?"
"Yeah", said Cool Satano and Sunplation.
"Me too!" said JoJo.
"Nice!" said Cool Satano and Sunplation, and they continued fighting in the war.
Kamina, Stormy Daniels, and Rose from Titanic were being backed into a corner.
"Its hard holding them off!" Kamina said as he chopped a soldier in half.
"No shit!" said Rose, as she punched a soldier in the face and then peeled his face off using Skinwalker powers.
"I have an idea!" said Stormy Daniels. She raised her hand, and all of the soldiers that surrounded them stopped fighting, looked down at all of their crotches, then looked at each other.
"Hey", said one of the soldiers. "Is this making anyone else hard?"
"I mean, I'm a bit wet", said one of the other soldiers. "Does that count?"
"Yeah, that's basically the same thing", said the first soldier.
"We should probably just fuck, right?" said a third soldier. "Like, get it out of our systems so we're not distracted by our urges in the middle of battle?"
"Yeah, its probably a good idea", said the first soldier. He removed his helmet, revealing that he was Johnny from Metal Gear Solid. "Welp, time to fuck I guess", and all of the soldiers that were about to kill Kamina, Stormy Daniels, and Rose had an orgy.
"Make love not war, huh?" said Kamina. "I like it! Clever thinking!"
"Let's move!" said Stormy Daniels.
"Here we are, a wolf and a dog", said Sandor Clegane as he fought off soldiers back to back with Jon Snow.
"Indeed", said Jon Snow, locking blades with a soldier (a whole bunch of soldiers in this fight are fighting with swords, by the way, for no better reason than it being cool).
"You know what they say!" said Sandor Clegane. "So long as the sword finds its way to its slot, it matters not if the wench is a thot!" He stabbed a soldier in the chest.
"I didn't know you were familiar with Shakespeare!" said Jon Snow.
"I've read a bit", said Sandor Clegane as he beheaded a couple people.
"How about this one: 'The loss of a head is better in bed, but two times or three will make this man wed'".
"Ah, Chaucer!" said Sandor Clegane. "Good fucking shit!" A man was about to shoot Sandor Clegane and Jon Snow at the same time with a pair of pistols when Gatsby stepped in and shot that man in the face.
"Any of y'all read any F. Scott Fitzgerald?" asked Gatsby. "'Oh but I had a half a handful, your breasts would moan for my grasp'".
"Good old F. Scott Fitzgerald", said Sandor Clegane, just as Saitama bumped into his shoulder. "Hey, watch where you're going!"
"Sorry", said Saitama, and he charged back towards Danny Rand.
"Why do you insist on fighting me?" asked Danny Rand. "You know that we're both equally powered!"
"Yes", said Saitama, "Which means so long as we're fighting, you're out of commission!"
"But that means you're out of commission as well, you asscannon! And look around!" Saitama looked around, and noticed that, despite the fact that his army was holding well, they were still vastly outnumbered by the American army.
"I see", said Saitama. "So that just means that I'll have to push my limits and properly defeat you!" He went in for the onepunch, but Danny Rand dodged out of the way, causing Saitama to stumble. Danny Rand looked up at the sky.
"It is almost time..." Eli, as well as his Stand, America, had levitated in front of the Sun so that they were a menacing shadow when viewed from the Earth.
"We've got you now", said Donald Glover.
"How so?" asked Eli. "I'm exactly where I want to be!"
"AAARGH!" yelled 9S as he sped towards Eli, but America simply swiped at his flight unit, sending 9S spiraling towards the Earth.
"9S!" exclaimed 2B.
"American Power is one of the most powerful things in the world!" said Eli. "And if one were to harness enough of the American Power generated from the worlds of turkey and gravy from the United Universe of America which Captain America had created, one could do great things." He lifted a hand towards the Sun, from which light seemed to flow into his fingertips. "Such as absorbing the essence of the Sun itself, and then shining the truth of this world across the land like sunlight!"
"You bastard!" said Childish Gambino. "That's an abuse of American Power!"
"And who are you to care?" asked Eli. "Of course, I ask this knowing fully well who you are."
"Heh", said Childish Gambino.
"You're the Spirit of Liberty itself!" said Eli. "And the successor to the mantle of Captain America.
"Guilty as charged!" said Childish Gambino. He pushed a button hidden in his sleeve and was covered in the costume of Captain America, his shield materializing in his hand.
"Well well", said Eli. "A shame that your time has run out."
"I know", said Childish Gambino. "Your grasp on the American Power is too strong. Soon I won't be able to maintain flight." His levitation faltered. "But there is one here with the affinity for American Power that can stop you! 2B, take me back to the ground!"
"But sir!" said 2B.
"Don't worry", said Captain America. "He'll be up here soon enough."
"Right", said 2B, and she took Captain America back down to Earth.
"Hm hm hm", laughed Eli. "Can you feel that, Godchris? Soon I'll be powerful enough to exact my revenge on your true form!"
2B and Captain America landed and continued fighting on the ground.
"This is bad", said Johnny Sins. "We're still alive, but we're dwindling, and these assholes just keep coming!" Then there was the sound of a foghorn in the distance.
"What the fuck was that?" asked Sasha Grey.
"I know what that is!" said Alexander Hamilton, looking towards the shoreline with a smile.
"Its the entire French Army!" exclaimed Joric Jojian.
"Bonjour!" exclaimed the Marquis du Lafayette. "Happy Reverse D-Day, my dudes!"
"Holy shit!" said the entire Revolutionary Pornography Army, which was now the French Revolutionary Pornography Army.
"The tides have turned", said Saitama.
"Maybe so", said Danny Rand. "But... uh, but... oh, FUCK!" Danny Rand started clutching his arm. "What is this burning I feel?"
"Heh", said Saitama. "I guess it makes sense." Saitama started glowing Red, White, and Blue. "Over the past few months I've gained a mastery over American Power, but even so I felt a shift once Eli became the President, and once you became the Vice President. Spiritually, that arm is still a part of me, but now its more than an arm. Its siphoning the American Power of the Vice Presidency from you right back to me!" The light intensified.
"That's impossible!" said Danny Rand.
"No its not!" said Saitama. He raised his fist towards the Sun, with the American flag somewhere in the background of the shot, and the American Power coursing through him went berserk. "Witness the ultimate form of my American Power!" The armored, red, white, and blue form of George Washington materialized behind Saitama.
STAND NAME:
「AMERICAN IDIOT」
STAND MASTER:
「SAITAMA」
"I'M COMING FOR YOU, ELI!" Saitama screamed as he started levitating towards him.
"Wait!" said Danny Rand. "I'm not done with you yet!"
"But I'm done with you!" said Saitama. American Idiot clobbered Danny Rand with a mailed fist, sending him crashing into the White House.
"Saitama!" said Eli. "How nice to see you!"
"Let's cut the pleasantries", said Saitama. "I'm here to take you down!"
"Take me down!" said Eli. "Little old me? I'm simply trying to shine truth upon this land before absorbing the power of the Sun completely and spiraling my own energy out until I'm capable of destroying the entire Universe! Why would you want to stop me?"
"You killed a good friend of mine!" said Saitama, and both he and American Idiot went in for the punch, but they were met eagerly by Eli and America.
"Let's have some fun!" Eli said, before the force as his blow sent Saitama falling back down to Earth. The whole way down, he was pelted by blows from Eli and America, until they crashed into the Holocaust Memorial Museum.
"Where'd he go?" asked Saitama, just before Eli jumped from one of the Holocaust exhibits and started strangling Saitama.
"This is where you'll die", said Eli. "In this memorial to millions of men, women, and children who died at the hands of madness, your death shall be delivered by the Master of Sanity!"
"I'm not dying here!" Saitama exclaimed before throwing Eli off of him. Eli threw the Nazi-castration exhibit at Saitama, which Saitama dodged and then punched Eli through a wall and chased after him.
Now they stood on the National Mall as the war raged around them. Eli laughed, turned his back to Saitama, and started walking across the reflective pool. Where he stepped, the water turned to gravy. Saitama followed him. His steps, too, turned the water to gravy.
"What is this truth that you want to tell so badly?" asked Saitama.
"You'll know by the time this battle ends", said Eli. "Which shouldn't be much longer." Saitama looked down. The reflective pool was now nearly entirely gravy, and from within the gravy he could see a whole bunch of copies of Eli's stand America flying up towards him. He dodged them all as they broke the surface of the water, and Saitama made it to the lawn, from where he launched another punch at Eli, which managed to catch him off guard (seemingly). The punch carried them both to the mouth of the Potomac river.
"You want to know what my truth is?" asked Eli, holding his gut where Saitama had punched him. "Look right there!" He looked to where the river met the sea, and saw a head, blue and frozen, come out of the water. It was Jack from Titanic!
"Jack!" said Saitama. "You're alive?"
"I looked into the Grand Story and it looked back at me..." said Jack.
"You see", said Eli, "You were asking what the truth I wanted to tell is, and this is it. You see, something has entered this world, something the Godchris did not want coming here. It was brought here by another God he let into this world, a traitor God, who implanted a story called 'Winter Leaves Like a Son in a Parade' within an obscure corner of the internet. But this is no ordinary story. This story contains everything that has happened and will happen within our world, and I have read the whole thing. I know where this story is going, and I can change it to benefit myself! And the truth will spread like a disease and create a cult of others who will want to break free from the binds of this story, and I shall be their god! Perhaps you would like a peek at this text?"
"No", said Saitama. "I'll just see how my story unfolds as it unfolds."
"How unfortunate", said Eli. "Jack, kill him." Jack unhinged his jaw, revealing a set of long, razor sharp teeth, but just as he approached Saitama he started vibrating, and his skin flew right off of his body.
"Saitama!" said Rose.
"Rose!" said Saitama.
"Brother!" said Eli. He chuckled, "Oh wait, that's right; I don't have any of those anymore."
"Its over, old sport", said Gatsby, pointing his gun towards Eli.
"Not by a longshot", said Eli. Eli looked at Kamina. "Ha, you already know the truth, don't you?" he said. Kamina just grimmaced and kept his hand on his sword. "Yes, I remember. I showed everyone from Gurren Lagann the truth. I wonder how Simon is doing?"
"You bastard!" yelled Kamina as he ran towards Eli. "Who the hell do you think I..." Kamina was punched in the face by America and landed somewhere amid the battle of Washington DC.
"You'll pay for that!" said Saitama.
"Ha!" said Eli. "You haven't even seen my final form yet!" He clenched both of his fists, held in the air, and screamed like it was fucking Dragon Ball or something, then his Stand started phasing in and out of existence until it combined with Eli and they were nearly blinded. Once the light disappeared they say before them a giant American flag with a smiley face and angry eyebrows on it.
BOSS: FLAGELI OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERIKA
(Boss Music: "Hearshot Kid Disaster" by Coheed and Cambria)
"The madman!" said Captain America. "He's become one with the Flag itself!"
"It doesn't matter!" said Saitama. "We'll still take him down anyways!" he ran to punch Flageli, but when he did the fabrics of the flag just wrapped around him.
"Shit!" said Saitama. "I can't breathe!"
"Ha ha ha!" said Flageli. "You can't punch a flag!"
"But you can cut one!" said Jon Snow. He slashed at Flageli with Longclaw, which, while he managed to pull the Flag from Saitama, it didn't tear at all.
"Not the American Flag!" said Flageli, whipping Jon Snow into the river. Flageli started flying towards the heart of the capitol.
"You have to stop him!" said Captain America. "If he attaches himself to a flagpole he'll be nigh unstoppable!"
"Then we'll just have to stop him before then!" said Saitama. He became airborne with the help of American Idiot and pursued Flageli, while Jon Snow's direwolf Ghost pulled Jon Snow out of the river.
Every time Saitama tried to punch the Flag it just dodged out of the way.
"You're too late, Saitama!" Flageli said as it attached itself to the pole. The ground beneath them started to shake.
"Fuck, of course!" said Captain America. "The only way to dispose of an American Flag is to burn it!"
"Ugh, I hate fire", said Sandor "The Hound" Clegane.
"If its fire you want its fire you'll get!" said Kamina, stepping out of the battle with Danny Rand.
"This guy was just using me!" said Danny Rand. "I'll help you take him down!"
"How can you take down an entire city?!" Flageli asked from atop his flagpole. Everyone started stumbling backwards, then fell off of the city as they realized the city was standing itself up. They stood right on the brink of the Qliphoth, in which the humanoid figure of Washington D.C. was standing up as
ULTIMATE FORM: WASHINGLOTUS D. CELI
At the top of Washinglotus was the Lincoln Memorial, but with the stone figure of Eli sitting upon the throne, laughing maniacally. The battle still raged upon the body of Washinglotus, but the environment itself was turning on the French Revolutionary Pornography Army.
"Why are we the only ones that fell off?" asked Saitama.
"Because we're the only ones with enough American Power to resist his own", said Captain America.
"Its over", said Stormy Daniels.
"No, its not", said Captain America. "The main source of his power is still the flag. If we can destroy that, then the city should return to its natural state."
"And you say we have to burn it, right?" said Kamina.
"Yes", said Captain America.
"Alright", said Kamina, and the Gurren Lagann themesong "Sorairo Days" started playing as the held his hand to the edge of his blade and yelled "GALACTIC CORE SPIRAL INFERNO!" His blade lit on fire, ignited by Spiral Energy.
"2B", said Kamina. "Your flight unit still works. I need you to bring me to that goddamn flag so I can light the goddamn thing on fire!"
"Right!" said 2B, and the mounted the machine and flew towards the flag.
"Not so fast!" boomed Flageli. The Washington Monument, located right where the dick would be if Washinglotus D. Celi were an actual man, fired a giant laser at the two of them.
"Hold on!" said 2B as she did an evasive barrel roll out of the way.
"Right on!" said Kamina. They flew closer to the flagpole, but as they got closer to it the city started shooting entire buildings towards them.
"Oh fuck!" said 2B as the International Spy Museum careened towards them. She blasted through it with lasers and they sailed right through it.
"Aw yeah!" said Kamina. That was when they were surrounded by a bunch of helicopters that started opening fire on them.
"KAMINA!" screamed 2B. "YOU CAN MAKE IT! JUMP!"
"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!" Kamina yelled as he leaped from the flight unit, holding his sword in front of him as he screamed.
The stony right hand of Washinglotus came in to crush Kamina, but it was too slow.
"SPIRAL INFERNO... SLASH!" Kamina screamed as he cut the flag with his burning sword, then planted a foot against the side of the city and leapt off of it right before the hand made contact. He landed back with his friends, and 2B also landed back to Earth, and they all looked at the city. It kept its hand to where its heart would be, then slowly sank back to its place in the Earth's crust. They made their way through the city again and saw that the American soldiers were standing still, looking towards the flag at the heart of the city with their hands on their hearts. Once they made it to the flagpole at the National Mall they saw that it was burning, but where it burned away Eli began to reappear. He did a superhero landing onto the Earth once he rematerialized completely. He was out of breath and unable to summon his Stand.
"Very well", said Eli. "Let's finish this hand to hand!"
"Alright", said Saitama, stepping up to challenge him.
FINAL BOSS: MASTER LOTUS OF SANITY ELI
Saitama tried to punch Eli, but every time he did he would dodge out of the way. Danny Rand joined in too, but he was just as successful. Governor of New Jersey Sandor Clegane also tried to slash away at the foe, but to no avail. That was when Danny Rand remembered something.
"Guys, don't think!" said Danny Rand. "That's the only way to beat him!"
"What makes you say that?" asked Sandor Clegane.
"Its what my old master, the LotUS of Peace, told me was the only way to defeat the LotUS of Sanity." Danny Rand flurried a series of blows at Eli, the last of which made contact with his right arm.
"ARRRGH!" said Eli as his right arm flew off of him. "Goddammit!"
"This is it guys!" said Danny Rand.
"Any ideas for a finishing move?" asked Sandor Clegane.
"I've got one", said Saitama as the "One Fist Man" theme song started playing in the background. He walked up behind Eli and said "FINISHING MOVE! AIRBORNE... FISTFUCK!" He delivered a powerful uppercut right into Eli's asshole, so powerful that they both went airborne towards the sky, and Saitama's fist burst right out the other side through Eli's urethra as he screamed in pain. When Saitama removed his fist from Eli's asshole, Eli flew a little further, the planted himself right on the point of the Washington monument, right through where his urethra used to be.
Everyone stood beneath the Washington Monument and looked up to where Eli was looking down. Eli chuckled and said "Nothing can stop the truth. I am the one writing this sotyr now!" He coughed up some blood. "A line from the epic poem Loveless: Even if the morrow is barren of promises, nothing shall forestall my... return." With those words, he died.
"Now its over", said Captain America. "Saitama, I know that you're not going to want to be President, but someone has to do it."
"I will", said Sandor Clegane. "I've learned so much in this country, and being the Governor of New Jersey has been an unforgettable experience. I would be honored to be the forty-seventh President.
"Very well", said Captain America Childish Gambino. "Sandor Clegane, I hereby declare you the forty-seventh President of America. They shook hands. In the coming months Sandor Clegane would travel west and take part in the Great Skinwalker War and meet a man named Tommy Pickles, who would give him the nickname Bernie (A reference to Sandor's burned face)(See RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). Once the war was over, he'd return to D.C. and Preside over the country as President Bernie Sandor, with his Vice President Alexander Hamilton.
"We did it!" said Johnny Sins. He embraced Saitama and said "You goddamn Baldman sonuvabitch! The porn industry is safe now!" They released, then saw that Goddess LotUS of Sex Velma had finally woken back up. Stormy Daniels approached her, and they both smiled and nodded to each other. Then Stormy Daniels looked to the colorless corpse of President Donald Trump.
"He was a... well, he was at least an okay man", said Stormy Daniels. "We need to give him a proper funeral." So they planned to give him a proper funeral.
Saitama walked to where Liquid's arm had flown and picked it up, saying "Its about time I got a new arm."
"You can have your's back if you want", said Danny Rand.
"No, you can keep it", said Saitama. "You use it well!"
2B shook 9S awake. "Hey", 2B said, "Its over."
"That's a relief", said 9S. "Sorry I blacked out for most of it."
"Don't worry", 2B said with a laugh.
"So what do we do now?" asked 9S.
"Let's see the world!" said 2B.
"Sounds good!" said 9S.
Saitama walked up to Kamina and Rose.
"So what now, buddy?" asked Kamina.
"I'm gonna have this arm sewn onto me", said Saitama.
"Oh wow", said Rose. "I've never been fucked by someone with two arms before. I'm looking forward to it!"
"Hey, Saitama", said Kamina.
"What is it?" asked Saitama.
Kamina breathed in to say it, but then he saw Rose in his peripheral vision. "Nothing. Never mind."
"Alright", said Saitama.
"It was nice meeting you, old sports!" Gatsby called from a little ways away. "I've gotta go now, though! I've got a party to throw this weekend, and I'm sure my love Daisy Buchanan will be there!"
"Good luck!" Saitama called. Gatsby waved a final farewell and was on his way.
"I've gotta get going myself", said Kamina. "I've got a new gig. Babysitter! And guess who for?"
"Who?" asked Saitama.
"Claudio-Sanchez Rangel", said Kamina. "The son of the Godchris himself!"
"Nice!" said Saitama. He turned to Rose.
"I'll see you at home, then?" she asked.
"I'll see you at home", said Saitama. "Wherever that might be." With that, he turned from his friends and started walking down the road, arm in hand.
"Finally", said Saitama. "The fighting is finally over. I'll never have to raise my fist in violence again." He thought back to all he had done, from accidentally destroying the Hero Association, to becoming friends with Kamina, to meeting the Goddess of Sex and going on an adventure to save the porn industry. Now he just had to be a porn star. The best porn star, with great friends and a loving girlfriend. He smiled. "Heroes are temporary", he said, echoing Solidus Snake. "But Porn is Forever!"
THE END?
YEARS LATER
Saitama awoke in a sweat. What was that voice? He hold his right arm, Eli's old right arm. It was burning. What was that voice?
"Perhaps in the absence of Sanity, madness..." it trailed off. (Audience Applause)
"What's wrong?" Rose asked from the other side of the bed.
"I don't kn..."
"Even if the morrow is barren of promises" (Audience Applause)
"Rose, run!"
"What?"
"Its him! I don't know how, but it is. Run, please!" Rose listened to Saitama and ran from their room.
"I don't die", said Saitama. "My will... my will is strong." He looked at himself in the mirror. "My name... Saitama. No, that's not it." He started laughing as his reflection changed to a man with long blonde hair.
"Ha! Ah ha ha ha!" he laughed (Audience laughter). "AH HA HA HA HA!" He smashed his head into the mirror, bleeding out a little onto the broken glass. "AH HA HA HA HA!" Then both the faces of Saitama and Eli looked towards the camera.
LIQUID SAITAMA WILL RETURN
IN "WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE" BOOK II:
"SPRING FLOWERS BLOSSOM LIKE THE CRIMSON TEARS OF MY HEART"
8/15/2018
END OF PHASE I