Hellsing Abridged Part: 1

Warning: This universe with be broken up into three parts, it will begin when Maxwell come to London massacring everyone and continue to the end. Thank you for reading.

Bored got up and said, "In this universe we are about to see, it is a parody of another universe, and as such it will be full of M rated jokes. But it will be like the original universe which contains a lot blood, killing Nazis, the Catholic church murdering people, and is suited for mature audience."

Hardcasekara then asked, "Where did Sleepy go to?"

Bored then said, "He is bringing surprise guests to watch one universe with all of us."

Ghost then asked, "What guests?"

Bored then said, "If I told y'all it would ruin the surprise, and Sleepy would kill me."

Then Bored sat down and the screen turned on.

The scene opened to London burning down, many people injured and dying.

Everyone had a bad feeling about what was happening on the screen.

Then some planes and helicopters appeared, then a voice was heard, "Hello citizens of London we, the Vatican, have come to save you."

A citizen then said, "Yea! It's the Catholic Church!"

Then Tomura appeared in a glass box on a truck hanging by wires attached by the helicopters with a bunch of microphones surrounding him said, "From yourself!"

The same citizen in disappointment said, "Oh no, it's the Catholic Church."

Some people laughed at it, the gods were loving it so far.

Then the Catholic Church men started gunning people down as they flew above them. Tomura then said, "Yes, clean the Earth of the sinner. Let Lord have mercy, for I HAVE NONE!"

A little bit away from the carnage, All Might (Integra will be played by a female All Might) said, "You know I think you are letting your boy Tomura let the authority is getting to his head a little. You should probably have a talk with him."

All Might puked some blood out seeing himself as a woman, Nana and All for One and thought it was funny.

One of the Church men said, "He is just under a lot of preasure."

Tomura then continued, "You do not deserve the Lord's mercy, if he will not take to the afterlife then I will!"

The same church man (woman) continued, "I mean words have meaning as much as we give them."

Tomura continued, "Sinners will be allowed no quarter, kill them all, LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!"

All Might said, "Your right, that's a lot of open interpretation right there."

The church woman said, "Your right, we should have a talk with him."

Tomura then yelled, "I WILL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!"

Stain then said, "Aye, going to have a we chat."

Everyone who wasn't a god was confused by Stain having an Irish accent, but the heroes were more concerned about Catholic Church massacring the citizens.

All Might then said, "I have an idea."

Stain then said, "Woman"

All Might then said, "Let's write down a formal protest"

Stain getting angry, "Don't you dear"

All Might then said, "You can nail it to his door."

Stain getting angrier, "Don't you fucking dare!"

All Might then said, "Like a protestant."

Everyone had their guns point at her because of that comment.

All Might was sweating bullets, because his comments were going to get him killed, but to the gods they were laughing like mad men.

Then a blonde girl came in and defeated all the guys who surround All Might, the girl revealed to be a female Bakugo.

Bakugo went from laughing a little bit to horrified to see a female version of himself, his fellow classmates were trying to convince themselves that it was gay to find him/her attractive.

Stain then said, "Well if isn't Alucard's sidekick, yer came back for more like last time."

Bakugo said, "Why don't you try stick it in again. I might like it this time."

The gods laughed harder, Bakugo was getting embarrassed, and his classmates were finding this version of Bakugo very uncomfortable.

All Might then said, "Bakugo report and explain."

Bakugo answered, "Base is secure, everyone is dead, and I'm a full fledge vampire now."

Stain looked at her and said, "And yer going to die a full fledge vampire. It's a shame yer blood sugar dad won't be around to see it."

Everyone, except the gods because they know the good part is coming, was now nervous for Bakugo.

Then some music started playing (Get Ready To Die), everybody turned to the direction of the music. In the fog a destroyer appeared, Stain looked at it in amazement, and All Might smirked.

Bored then said, "We are getting to the good part."

Then appeared a man wear red had long green hair, red eyes, and sharp teeth who got his two huge pistols ready.

Everyone looked at this Izuku and were shocked by this appearance. Bored said, "This Izuku in this world goes by Alucard, he is a vampire that has around for a long time."

Everyone was shocked by him being a vampire and wondered what he going to do about the situation.

In the distance, the Nazis and church men stopped what they were doing in fear, Stain smiled, then Alucard ran off and jumped off the ship to land perfectly between the church men and Nazis.

Everyone thought that was one impressive entrance and the song fit it perfectly.

Alucard then said, "Well, well, well I leave for two days and the Catholic Church is crusading while the Nazis are invading."

Stain and Dabi walked up to Alucard staring at him ready to kill him. Alucard continued, "Stain, it been two days, but it feels like years and you … umm… how are… I want to say Logan. Stain, who is this?"

Stain grunted and Alucard said, "Oh, I better watch out for hmm."

Everyone in the theater laughed at the last comment but were still concerned about Izuku.

All Might and Bakugo were on a roof nearby, All Might then yelled, "ALUCARD!"

Alucard then responded, "WHAT!"

All Might then said, "Release restraint level …"

She was interrupt by a Klansmen which he said, "Now your horses, I don't know who y'all think are but my name Jebb Forest of the South Carolina Baptist Con…"

Jebb Forest was interrupted by Alucard said, "SHHHH, do you hear that?"

Jebb Forest said, "I don't…"

Jebb was shot in the head by Alucard which he then said, "Oh, it was just the wind."

The everyone laughed really hard that Izuku just shot a man for interrupting All Might.

All Might said, "Fuck it, dropping the formalities. Go for a walk."

Hardcasekara then said, "He's going for a walk."

Bored then said, "Do it."

Alucard took a breath and chanted, "When hope is gone undo this lock, and send me forth on a moonlit walk, release retrain level zero."

Stain threw his blades at Alucard, the church men and the nazis started shooting him and stabbing him. But he became a huge blood red cloud, then one of the church men said, "Guys, I don't want to jinks it, but I think we got him."

That guy got his head cut off, the scene changes to All for One talking to the Doctor on his blimp. AFO said, "What is good has finally dropped."

Everyone in the theater except the gods were questioning AFO's German accent but continued to watch.

A wave of blood started to drown the Nazis and church men, which then zombies started to raise from the blood. All Might then said, "I think this is worth noting that this is the first time Alucard followed my order without any back sass. It's both satisfying... and disappointing."

Tomura was freaking out in his box, he then said, "Send in the reinforcements."

The Mexican Inquisition leader said, "Send in the Mexican Inquisition!"

But the massive wave of zombie started killing them off like they were nothing. Which one of the men said, "They expect all of us?!"

Tomura was shaking then said, "Send in the Salvation Army!"

Mirio then said, "Hold up, the Salvation Army?"

Ghost looked at him and said, "Yep."

The leader of the Salvation Army said, "Holy fuck, this what we get for sticking our necks out."

Then two lancers on knights stabbed the leader by the neck and carried him off.

Everyone laughed at the pun that was made.

Tomura then said, "Send in the Forces of the Temple Benzoin (I hope I spelled that correctly)!"

One of church men said, "They already died before the battle even started."

The gods were fucking dying for how badly Tomura was losing.

Then another said, "I know seriously, they thought that we were going to help them."

The men in the helicopter were laughing their asses off. Then one of the men said, "That for the Rhineland Massacre, ya shmuck!"

Tomura then said in anger, "JEWWWWWWWS!"

Then the scene cut back to AFO and the Doctor talking, AFO said, "It's kinda hilarious, that they haven't figure it out."

Tomura yelled, "NO!"

The Doctor said, "What is it Major?"

Then out of the blood revealed a man with long green hair with glowing blood red eyes in armor. Tomura kept said, "No, No, No!"

AFO then said, "That Alucard is backward for…"

Tomura then said, "Dracula!"

Everyone in the theater except the gods were shocked that this Izuku was Dracula. The legendary vampire and slaughter of many, the son of the dragon.

The Doctor then said, "To be fair, how long did it take us to figure out."

AFO said, "A fair point, but we were very busy planning for World War 3."

The Doctor then said, "True, I believe our forces are literally getting slaughtered right now."

AFO said, "Ha, who gives a shit their Nazis."

Everyone laughed at the comment. AFO couldn't help but laugh really hard like the gods.

Tomura then said, "All remaining forces, form up and protect your leader."

Then the helicopters were shot down, which made Tomura in his box fall to the ground. The box was surrounded by the zombies, which Tomura laughed and said, "Stupid demon zombies the only way to pop my pope box it the will of God."

Which a blade appeared to cut through the box which broke the pope box which revealed Stain was the one who broke the box. Tomura then said, "Stain!"

Stain then said, "It is the duty of the organization to punish the demon, the heathens, and the false god, also yer a daff cunt."

Tomura was surrounded by the zombie then was impaled by a few 10-foot pikes, Stain the continued, "Sinner are allowed no quarter, kill them all, and let God sort them out."
All Might and Bakugo were sitting on the roof top in silence until Bakugo said, "So this is restraint level zero."

All Might then said, "These are 500 hundred years of souls trapped in Alucard's body that he has consumed. After a while he stopped actually fight and started hang around battlefields. Letting others do it for him."

Bakugo asked, "How many souls…"

All Might interrupt her to say, "Chow down on. About two millionish, he calls it his uhh hashtag life hack."

Bakugo then said, "Of course he would."

All Might and a fews heroes were wonder why these two were so calm during all the murder that was going on while everyone laughed at it.

All Might sighed then said, "Let's welcome him back."

Stain was now in from of Tomura's body and said, "I'm sorry for what I did Tomura, but I am sorry that I had to do it."

Flashback

A little boy version of Tomura and Stain met in front of the church, Stain said, "And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy?"

Tomura then said, "I have a terrible guilting rage inside of me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean."

Stain then said, "Oh ho, you'll fit right in."

Flashback End

Stain then said, "You were a good by Tomura, shame you were such a shit man."

The scene changed to Izuku who now Dracula standing in front of All Might and Bakugo, which All Might said, "I believe we haven't met."

Dracula said, "It is my honor to meet you my master, All Might. Please call me Drac."

All Might said, "I'm not going to call you that."

Dracula respond, "As you wish."

Then a nervous Bakugo approached Dracula to say, "Ello master, it's me th-the police girl."

Kirishima said, "Did you call Izuku, master."

Bakugo got pissed and shouted, "I WOULD DIE THEN CALL HIM THAT!"

The girls looking at a grown up and sexy vampire version of Izuku thought, 'May I call you master.'

Dracula then gave the nervous Bakugo a head pat and said, "Ah good, it warms my long dead heart to see you all grown up, Katsuki Bakugo."

Bakugo then started blushing uncontrollably and fangirling this version of her master.

Bakugo leaned towards Kirishima and said, "Kill me."

Kirishima then said, "Bakubro?"

Bakugo said, "Just do it."

Ghost then said, "I'm using my power to make sure you are not able to die as long as you are in this theater."

The other gods chuckled at Ghost's comment towards Bakugo and Bakugo went back to hiding in embarrassment.

All Might said, "Aww, this is nice."

Then Stain said, "Alucard!"

Dracula pulled out his sword to block Stain's attack which he then said, "Alucard isn't here right now. You face Count Dracula of Wallachia."

Stain then said, "Call yourself whatever yer want yer crazy vampire bastard. I here to clean the Earth of your filth once and for all."

Dracula then said, "Many have tried and failed, yet if it is my fate to fall to you so let it be so worthy opponent."

Stain the said, "Tone the fuck out, if we're doing this and we are doing this. I want to kill Alucard, not Dracula."

Dracula then asked, "You know it's just my name spelled backwards right?"

Stain responded, "Of course I do, now bring him out."

Stain revealed four blades in one hand, which then his hand was shot off, then Dracula sighed and said, "As you wish."

Then Alucard appeared with his big pistols and said, "Hey there padre, how's little Timmy? You want to know what gets cum stains out of robes, holy water. Did you miss me?"

Stain jumped towards him and said, "Like coke after lent."

Alucard then asked, "Cola or Cocaine?"

The gods were laughing at the situation while the everyone else would rather face Dracula, because he was serious.

Alucard was dodging Stain's slashes and shooting Stain which he got his arm. Alucard jumped back behind his zombie army, Stain then got shot by Compress and sliced up by cards Giran which Alucard said, "If you don't mind, I brought some friends… associates, slaves…I brought slaves."

The gods, AFO, the league, and some of the students laughed at the comment, while everyone else was seeing how powerful this Izuku was.

Stain then said, "The more, the merrier!"

Stain started mowing down the zombies until he came across a really big zombie which Alucard named 'Big Barry', the zombie was eating Stain's sword then cavalry men started to charge at Stain until then got shot up by Stain's squad. His squad saved him and started to help him to Alucard. When some of the men were about to die them turned into suicide bombers which Alucard said, "It's a suicide Catholic bomber, what a fun day."

Stain then landed in front of Alucard and said, "Any last words monster?"

Alucard said, "Have you ever though about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know give the kids something fizzy to drink before they wake up in an hour."

Bored then said, "I'm going to try it."

Bored then summon the blood of Jesus Christ, then went to a carbonation machine to carbonizing it, and then drank it. He let out a burp and said, "Aaaa, that's pretty good. Who wants some?"

Ghost and Hardcasekara raised their hands which then Bored made three more cups then gave them the cups of carbonate blood of Jesus Christ.

Stain revealed a box and brough it next to his face which Alucard said, "Ooo, you got some on ya."

Stain then said, "I forgive yer."

Everyone in the audience were shocked by what Stain said, that he forgives him a monster that has been around for 500 years. A monster that has feasted on millions of lives and has their souls trapped within him which he is forgiving.

Alucard raised an eyebrow, "Excuse me."

Stain said, "Everything you said, everything you done, I forgive yer."

Alucard said, "Well isn't that convince, but it not up to you is it? It's up to your precious God."

Stain then said, "Your right, would you like to meet him?"

Stain broke the box to reveal a nail, one of the squad men said, "Is that one of the nails that pierced Christ's body?"

Another person said, "Yep."

Everyone looked at the nail in amazement, then Bored said, "I know what I'm getting Sleepy for Christmas."

He snapped his fingers to now have the nail in his hand which he put in his pocket.

Alucard then said, "Ooo la la, you got yourself a nail what you going to do stab me in the heart with it."

Stain said, "Not yours."

Alucard walked towards him, "No, no, no"

Stain then said, "Mine"

Alucard continued, No, no, no, no, no, no!"

Stain stabbed his heart, Alucard aimed his gun at him, but Stain cut off his head. Alucard shot Stain in the face, which the two were re-growing their heads, then Stain said, "Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace. I absolve your sins in the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, amen."

Which Stain stabbed Alucard through the eye which killed Alucard, Alucard in his mind said, "I'm in a deep pain."

Then he was on fire and said, "Ooo, it gets worse."

The gods continued to laugh their asses off.

God then said, "Vlad Tempest of Wallachia, son of the Dragon, the Impaler."

Alucard said, "Oh fuck me, he wasn't kidding. Well hello god."

While the gods were enjoying these, some people questioned why this version of Izuku really hated God.

God said, "Dracula"

Alucard then said, "I go by Alucard now."

God then said, "Hold that though"

God started burning up all the souls trapped within Alucard, and Alucard said, "Hey, hey those are mine."

God then said, "I am forgiving your sins and releasing the damn souls trapped within your body."

Alucard laughed and said, "You have a problem of using other for their own ends, should I give you credit for the idea."

God then said, "What is the source of your anger, child?"

Alucard then said, "Fuck you, you already know."

God said, "I know but I want to hear you say it."

After a few seconds of silence God then said, "Was it the ten years of rape?"

Alucard yelled, "IT WAS THE TEN YEARS OF RAPE! NAILED IT LIKE THE ROMANS!"

Everyone in the audience was shocked by what they said, they felt sad for him to go through that.

Alucard then asked, "Let me ask you something, God. What's your plans for the prince, the hand prints, the knee prints, or foot prints behind those?"

God said, "I have a plan for everyone."

Alucard then said, "So what is the plan for the starving children in name an Africa country, is it for them to die. If it is, killer plan, but do you know who was there for me. Who answered my prayers finally, here let's put him on why don't we."

God then said, "I knew this was coming, but I never look forward to it."

Then Satan appeared to have a conversion about the good Alucard has done for him.

Everybody laughed that Satan himself is telling God, about the good that this version of Izuku was doing.

After Alucard and Satan were alone, then Alucard said he will continue to uphold his deal Satan and also said he won't give him his dogs back. Alucard came back to life to rip the heart of Stain and crushing it. Stain then said, "I guess you got what you always wanted, Alucard."

Alucard said, "I didn't want this."

Stain then said, "You stole my heart."

Alucard was crying then said, "Fuckin come on man."

After Stain said his favorite verse from Boondocks Saint, which Alucard said, "Fucking called it."

Stain then said, "Alucard, I hate you. But I understand you, you seek out your own justice to count for the rights to fix your wrongs. To find forgiveness and salvation but when yer find it will you accept it."

Alucard said, "Of course, my friend..."

Which Kurogiri stepped on Stain's face and said, "I take three hail merrys, ate my vitamins, fucked off, and died, amen."

Everyone was shocked that Kurogiri just came in like that so rudely.

The league looked at him and Kurogiri just there in absolute surprise by his alternate self.

Alucard got pissed and yelled, "KUROGIRI!"

TO BE COTINUED …