A NEW GOD AND GOBLIN SLAYER

Sorry it took so long my mad lads, I have college classes that make me have no lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays and of course the Azur Lane Italian Event. If you are fellow Captain, I understand the pain so far. I had a stockpile of 200 cubes that I got from daily and weekly missions, not a dollar spent, and used all of them and got Caesar in exchange. If you want to send a friend request to me go to room 3, 2, or 51 because those are the meme rooms and look for a 'Daddy Ludwig' or soon maybe September 20th 'Booty Daddy Ludwig' or 'Comrade Captain Ludwig', and that is me. My username is after Captain Ludwig Stulping if you were wondering.

BAS and the other gods were watching the news while everyone else was either gaming, eating, reading some books the place had, and other stuff. Nezu was reading a book titled 'The History of Crackistan' which is a new book BAS bought to replace the book titled, 'The History of Realm 42069'.

AFO was watching the news with the gods when he saw that a realm called Valyria is about to end a civil war. He asked, "Isn't that the realm you came from?"

BAS replied, "Yes, Crackistan has been supplying the democratic revolt to help them fight the military."

Yagi came over, "Why would you supply them even though you are a communist?"

Dante replied, "It's not for them to win, he is supplying the losing side with weapons to kill as many soldiers as possible. In the end, the military of Valyria will be badly crippled causing everyone to fear them less."

Ghost raised an eyebrow, "Are you choosing this moment to invade?"

BAS chuckled, "The civil war will end at the beginning of winter… which is our strong suit. It will be like when the Russians took everything back from Nazi Germany thanks to Russian winter. I rounded up a few other countries who lost some territory to Valyria who are looking for some pay back and returning land… for a while. Leading to a quick and easy victory that will go down in history as 'The Great Winter Invasion'."

Hardcasekara smiled, "You truly are a Soviet then you will invade your 'allies'."

Ghost sighed, "Something tells me you are going to be the reason I have to work overtime in the future."

Then a knock on the door was hear which everyone looked at the door which BAS shouted, "It's unlocked."

A tall figure came in and closing the door behind him, he also had short and messy black hair, with a big strand of hair pointing forward and framing his forehead, as well as a smaller strand and a mullet, with those strand and mullet having red tips. Two red lightnings run across his hair, one on each side. He had tanned skin with sharp features, red pupiless eyes and 8 whisker marks, 4 or each cheek. He wore a grey shirt with red stripes, almost forming an X on the chest; above it he wears a black ankle length trench coat with the same design, though the shoulders are red, with the 'X' on the chest going for the back, which connects to a circle with four scythes a lemniscate (infinity symbol) in the middle. Two separate stripes fall down at knee length and go down behind the two tails of the coat, it also has red pockets, with three X's that are connected right on the forearms. He also wore dark gray jeans with black, ankle length combat boots with red soles and stripes. And lastly, he has a sheathed Nodachi hanging from his left hip, the guard of the Nodachi being two scythes forming a rectangle.

He smirked, "You should put clearer instruction to your place."

BAS shrugged, "My bad, I thought you, a fellow god of chaos, understood the directions… CrimsonRev."

CrimsonRev chuckled, "Oh, I understood it, but it was me zig zagging around different realms when I could have just gone through two realms instead of five."

Ghost asked, "You could've had teleported."

CrimsonRev looks at BAS, "Wait a minute, I could have!"

BAS giggled a bit and threw a beer to CrimsonRev which Dante said, "Being an asshole but still a nice friend as always."

Everyone could relate to the friendship the gods shared between them, BAS pulled out some vodka and put a KGB hat on Nemu, "Come on Ivan, have some."

Nemu looked at his dad, "My name isn't Ivan, Dad… but I will take the vodka."

Esdeath giggled a bit, "He is joking with you, Percy."

Nemu in confusion, "Percy?"

BAS with wide eyes, "I just remembered what I was supposed to tell you. Your real name is Percy Nemuidesu [REDACTED]."

Nemu looked down in shock, "Nemuidesu was a middle name…"

Hardcasekara in shock, "His real first name is Percy!"

Mina asked, "Is he a Percy Jackson reference?"

BAS looked at her like he was offended, "By the gods no, I promised my father long ago to name one of my sons 'Percy'."

Inko asked, "Really?"

BAS nodded, "Even after my revolt, I keep my promises. I'm a god of my word… just like I promise to return home with an army to conquer Valyria."

Yagi asked, "What was the last part?"

BAS asked, "You mean [REDACTED]."

Izuku said, "What was the last part?"

CrimsonRev said, "That is a filtering technique that we, gods, have that censor stuff for them so we don't worry about revealing things we don't want revealed."

Shoto interested, "That is interesting and neat."

Dante said, "We call each other but nicknames or pen names, we don't reveal our real names unless we want to. BoredAndSleepy2000 is a pen name but his brother called him Mayhem as a nickname he was called at his home realm. That is for a small example… my real name is [REDACTED]."

Hardcasekara raised a hand, "[REDACTED] [HARD REDACTED]."

Ghost shrugged, "[SUPER HARD REDACTING]."

CrismonRev said, "Our real names something that could get us killed or make friends. When gods know each other's real names that is when we have great trust in each other."

Nemu asked, "What is my last name since Taikutsu is censored?"

BAS leaned to his ear to whisper, Nemu looked at him, "That sound pretty German."

BAS nodded, Dante hummed, "But your father knows how to party like a Russian."

BAS replied, "BLYAT! Cheeki Breeki! Let's get to the show…"

BAS had a piece of paper in his hand which he threw it away which Ghost asked, "What was that?"

BAS sighed, "A review, the truth is that if a review is longer than 40 words then I'm not going to read it unless it from certain gods. To the show we go!"

The screen turned on to reveal inside of a guild building which Melissa screaming in rage at her desk, then she raises her head up, "GOBLIN SLAYER! You're next."

Yagi and the class asked, "Goblin Slayer?"

The tall man in armor and helmet (Izuku) appears in excitement, "What? What is it? Goblins?! Is it goblins?! I'm Goblin Slayer, I slay those."

Shoto said, "Oh no."

Izuku in shock, "What the…"

Anarchist in terror, "I'm a nutjob, aren't I?"

Scarecrow in interest, "Nutjob is quite the word… he is worst."

Following him was a white hair priestess with white hair and red eyes (Eri), Melissa said, "A group of… distinct individuals… has requested your presence in our meeting room. They're waiting for you presently."

Izuku asked, "Does it have to do with goblins?"

Melissa replied, "I didn't ask because I don't care."

Izuku quickly, "Sounds like goblins. I'll be right back."

Izuku walked away to the meeting room leaving Eri at the desk, Melissa calmly and nicely said, "Step away from the desk, please. You're saddening the customers."

Uraraka said, "That's messed up."

Sato, Sero, Denki, the villains, and the gods were trying to hold themselves together. Trying not to laugh their asses off and waiting for the funnier shit.

Eri replied, "Awww."

Melissa still in a calm voice, "You're still doing it. Step away please. Go. Go. Go over there please."

Then she shouted, "NEXT!"

Then the scene changed to Izuku in a room with an elf version of Jiro, a short fat bearded dwarf version of Kirishima, and a tall shaman priest version of Spinner. Jiro said, "So that's the situation. Will you help us?"

Kirishima asked, "Oh no, I'm short, fat, and old looking… but still manly."

Jiro asked, "Why is my hair green and ears pointy?"

Dante replied, "You're an elf."

Spinner asked, "Why am I there?"

Dabi said, "Just watch to see."

Izuku in boredom, "You didn't mention goblins immediately, I blacked out, dreamt of goblins; dead goblins; it was a good dream. Who are you?"

The room was filled with the sounds of facepalming from some people.

Jiro in irritation, "I'm just gonna start from the beginning again."

Izuku replied, "Okay."

Jiro looking serious, "We have been recruited as representatives by each of our race's elders, but we need a specialist's help so we can defeat the demon lord. Are you the one they call 'Orc Bulge'?"

Denki laughing his ass off, "Orc Bulge!"

Katsuki and a few other joining in laughing from the name.

Izuku replied, "Who?"

Kirishima said, "Now, now. You aren't in elven country anymore, Elf. In the Dwarven tongue, his name would be… 'Shit Dick'."

Sato and Shoji dying, "SHIT DICK!"

Katsuki laughing, "That one was even better."

Izuku in confusion, "Shit on who?"

Spinner smiled, "Let me try. My purpose in life in to taste the food of every land. My people have a word for the path I walk; the ideals I strive to achieve. They call me… 'Homeless'. I hope I convinced you. Hmmm?"

The villains were dying the most Toga said, "Hello Homeless!"

Dabi adding, "That is your new name 'Homeless'."

Spinner in confusion of what was happening, "Hold up."

Izuku said, "You didn't mention goblins immediately; I blacked out; dreamt of goblins; dead goblins; good dream. Well if it isn't Orc Bulge, Shit Dick, and Homeless! What do you want?"

Momo said, "It's like he is radiating with Bakugo's arrogancy by multiply it by Bakugo's pride."

Jiro getting more annoyed, "Okay, whatever. This mission will help take out the demon lord; we need your help."

Izuku quickly replied, "No."

Jiro said, "Just hear us out for a second!"

Izuku replied, "NO."

Jiro shouted, "HUNDRED OF LIVES ARE AT STAKE!"

Izuku replied in boredom, "Nah."

Yagi in concern, "He won't take the mission?!"

Aizawa sighed, "Only if it involves goblins… which should mention that first."

Kirishima said, "Let me talk to him. He probably can't understand you. A strict diet of vegetables corrodes the brain."

Kirishima said, "What the…"

Momo said, "I want to say he is wrong… but to some extent he is right." (Trust me on this one I tried doing research on this and an all veggie leaves out some stuff for your brain so I guess the statement is correct but there are articles that are against that statement.)

Inko was kind of terrified by this version of her son and questioned everything about him.

Kirishima looked at Izuku, "Goblin, goblin… Biiig~ goblin… Baaad~ goblin…. Noooo… Noooo…"

Izuku in serious, "Why did you stop? Keep going. Keep goin—I'm listening. Tell me more about this Big Goblin."

Tomura point his hands out, "Hold up, wait a minute here."

Shoto replied, "I have to agree with Hands here, he understood that."

Outside of a big goblin base in the morning…

Kirishima with a headache, "My head feels like Torag's forge, but someone threw up in it…*cough* Who's bright idea was it to drink the night before the quest?"

Jiro asked, "Yeah, who would do that?"

Kirishima agreed, "I would like to know too."

Jiro smirked, "Yours."

Kirishima replied, "Bulllllshiiiiit! You were all like…"

He started impersonating Jiro's voice, "I can do anything better than you can."

Everyone was laughing their asses off from Kirishima impersonating Jiro's voice and the conversion between the two.

Kirihima went back to his normal voice, "And I was like, 'Nuh-uhh' and now I'm gonna drink."

Kirihima started drinking then said, "Right as rain."

Jiro in seriousness, "Shut it. Save your drinking for AFTER we're done here."

She shot the arrow to were it killed the two goblin guards at the entrance, and then shot another arrow to kill the wolf that was with the goblins. Kirishima somewhat impressed, "Not a half-bad shot, Elf."

Jiro being prideful, "Oh, is that impressive to you? Is something like that hard for dwarfs?"

Kirishima rolled his eyes, "Fine, don't take the compliment. See if I care."

Izuku start stabbing the goblin with a knife and putting a piece of cloth on the blood for it to absorb the blood. Then he looked at Jiro, "Put this on."

Mina said, "How about no."

The girl agreed except Toga of course, Toga had no problem with being covered in blood. Nezu said, "There is probably a reason for it."

Jiro in disgust, "What? Goblin Blood? There is no way…"

Izuku in seriousness, "Goblins love three things: Elves, Women, and things they do to Elven women. Goblins are sensitive to smells. They'll snort you out from a mile away. Best put this on, girly, before the goblins think we're bringing them a buffet!"

Aizawa yawned, "Good enough reason."

The girls, except Toga, were disgusted by the idea of getting covered in goblin blood.

Jiro backing away in disgust and fear, "Surely he's joking, right? Right?"

Eri replied, "It's way stickier than it looks. Like WAY stickier."

Izuku said, "Sniff, sniff; I'm a goblin. You just got goblinated."

Everyone was laughing now by the comedy going on in this world, but they had a feeling of darkness in it. Toga giggled, "You put as much blood on me as you want."

Jiro was whimpering in fear and Izuku whispered, "Put it oooon…"

Then he shouted, "PUT IT OOOONNNNN!"

Jiro crying, "Stop it's too funny!"

Anarchist smiling, "Same! I can't keep my shit together!"

Later in the dungeon

Then group found an elven woman raped and near death which Spinner threw some bones on the ground, "By the bones of my brethren, come forth and do my bidding…"

The bones turned into a skeleton lizard man which Spinner shouted, "BONE DADDY!"

Spinner was in shock that he shouted such a phrase, Compress rolling on the ground with Dabi and Tomura, "Bone Daddy… god dammit."

Everyone was dying, BAS cried, "I have watch this scene 100 times and I am still crying in laughter."

Dante replied, "Ains-san is Spinner's bone daddy."

Then Spinner calmly said, "This is my great-grandfather whose flesh we feasted on earlier."

The skeleton picked up the woman and Eri walked up to him, "Just so we're clear, necromancy is SUPER evil. You know that, right?"

Spinner nodded and the skeleton with the woman run off, Spinner telling the skeleton, "Go, Bone Daddy! Take her to her people! And if she should die along the way, eat that meat! EEEAAATTTT DAAAATTT MMEEEAAAATTTT!"

Katsuki laughing, "Stop it! This is too much!"

Izuku agreeing, "Please I agree with Kacchan!"

Eri shouted, "PLEASE DON'T DO THAT BONE DADDY!"

Mirio shouted, "NO! How dare you many Eri say those words!"

Everyone was both in shock and laughter by Eri yelling the words 'Bone daddy'.

Eri then looked at Spinner, "I don't know if I'm comfortable being in a group with you anymore."

Spinner replied, "Okay."

Scene ends…

Everyone was trying to calm down from the absolute funny scenes in the world. BAS said, "Think about my D&D game with my buddies and compare it with this."

Tomura in confusion, "It's the same thing except you play bad guys and they are the heroes."

CrimsonRev replied, "I won't go that far… but close. That is common D&D that we just witnessed."

BAS then turned to the crowd smiled, "Y'all interested in a Disney Movie from my childhood?"