Thank you to everyone who read the first chapter and to emrldapplejuice and jadely31 for following this story. I really hope you continue to enjoy it guys.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.
Hermione stood in the middle of the headmistress' office holding the time turner in her hands; she traced the engraved words with her fingertip. 'I mark the hours, every one, Nor have I yet outrun the Sun. My use and value, unto you, Are gauged by what you have to do.' She thought about those words. What she had to do. Did she really want to go back to her argument with Draco and find out that she had been wrong? That he had simply uttered that word innocently, if there was a way to use such a derogatory word innocently. To find out that she had attacked him for no reason, that she had let her anger get the better of her. Or would it be worse to go back and find out that she had been right the whole time? That Draco Malfoy had not changed from the entitled, pompous little git who had flung that insult at her so casually. If she were to find out that was the case, she was not sure she could spend the next year sharing the hallways of her beloved Hogwarts with him.
Professor Mcgonagall watched her pensive student from where she sat behind her desk. "An hour should do it I would think Miss Granger." She said, breaking her student's reverie.
"Yes, I would think so." Hermione replied distractedly.
"Hermione." The older witch spoke softly, getting up and approaching the girl cautiously. "Is something the matter?"
The bushy haired witch sighed turning to face her mentor. "It feels as though whatever I find out will not put my mind at rest."
The headmistress chuckled lightly. "Ignorance is not always bliss my dear. This would eat away at you in the end and you know it."
"You're right." Hermione conceded, but she still did not look happy.
"We need to begin this year a new. We need to have buried the animosity of this war with our dead. If we allow bad feeling and anger to carry on it will destroy us all in time." Mcgonagall said softly as she took both of the girl's hands in her own, giving them a comforting squeeze. "If this war has taught us anything it is that there is nothing more powerful than love. A wise man once said 'hate cannot drive out hate'. Do not let hatred consume you Hermione; we have seen the damage that can do."
Hermione looked down at her own hands inside the older woman's and thought about the words that had just been spoken. She had seen what festering hatred could do to a person's soul in what Lord Voldemort had become. She had seen how hatred lingered in the eyes of Bellatrix Lestrange as the woman had pinned her to the floor of Malfoy Manor. She could not bear for there to be any comparison between herself and the dark creatures that had caused so much pain and suffering within this world.
"Why are you letting me do this Professor?" Hermione asked, not looking up as she spoke.
Mcgonagall cocked her head. "What do you mean?"
"Why are you letting me go back in time?" Hermione clarified. "You have always told me how dangerous time travel can be, that there are strict rules that govern what time turners can be used for. Yet this seems such a trivial matter over which to defy those rules."
The headmistress let go of the younger witch's hands and took a step away from her, looking her up and down. "You're right; an argument between two students may be trivial in the grand scheme of things. But this is not trivial to you is it Miss Granger?"
Hermione shook her head. "I need to know whether Draco has changed. I need to know that I was not naïve to believe there was hope for a better future."
"And that is exactly why I am willing to break the rules. You deserve to know the answers to your questions Hermione. You have given up much, much more than many others that walk these halls. Sometimes the universe owes a debt." Mcgonagall said her voice betraying the emotion she tried to keep hidden.
The brunette's eyes scanned the headmistress's office and she cleared her throat. "I should leave now if I want this to work Professor."
"Quite right." Mcgonagall nodded as she swallowed thickly, all of a sudden looking conflicted. In one swift motion the older witch stepped towards Hermione and swept the girl into a tight embrace, resting her cheek on top of the girl's head. "You are so very dear to me Hermione. You have the strongest heart of anyone that I know, make sure that you follow it…always."
Hermione twisted herself around a little so she could look up at the headmistress. "Professor, is everything ok?" she asked, slightly shocked by the usually measured witch's display of affection.
"I'm fine." Mcgonagall laughed lightly as she released the younger witch from her arms. "It just feels as though, after everything we have been through, we should take any opportunity to tell those closest to us what they mean to us."
The bushy haired witch was touched by the sentiment but couldn't quite shake the feeling of confusion those words brought with them. She was only travelling back in time one hour and Mcgonagall was acting as though she was going back off on her hunt for Horcruxes. "I should leave." She repeated, unsure of what else to say.
Hermione turned her attention back to the gold trinket in her hands and carefully turned the hourglass precisely once. Just before she slipped the delicate chain of the time turner around her neck she looked up at her Professor. "I have always trusted you above everyone else Minerva."
As the older witch watched the girl disappear she couldn't control the sob that slipped from her throat. She pushed her fist to her lips as she fought to regain her composure. "Good Luck Hermione." Mcgonagall whispered to the empty room.
Hermione reappeared, somewhat breathlessly, in the now empty office of Minerva Mcgonagall. She looked at the clock on the wall and realised the older woman would still be in the Great Hall having dinner. She wasn't sure exactly what time her altercation with Draco Malfoy had happened but she knew she had to get moving. It would be dangerous for anybody to see her and heavens forbid she miss the action after the headmistress had taken such a personal risk to allow her to come back here. Hermione tucked the time turner inside the collar of her blous, pushed open the heavy oak door of the office and began to make her way down the short spiral staircase before squeezing past the stone gargoyle that marked the entrance to the room. Skirting through the shadows of the wide corridors the brunette witch rushed to the part of the castle surrounding the portrait of the Fat Lady. Luckily she knew this area like the back of her hand so quickly found an alcove where she could hide from view but still see in the direction that Malfoy had come from.
Hermione sat in her hidey hole and counted every insufferable second that slipped by, she hated being idle. So she busied herself by picking loose threads from her robe and pulling at the split ends of her bushy mane. After what felt like 3 hours, which was probably more like 10 minutes, she began to hear deep voices drifting in her direction. At first they were just dulcet murmurs but before long Hermione began to be able to make out actual words.
"I was not sulking" The sullen voice of Draco Malfoy reached her ears making Hermione groan inwardly.
Blaise Zabini snorted "Yeah right Draco, what else do you call skulking in the dungeons while everyone else enjoys a feast?"
"I don't want to be looked at like a freak show, Zabini." Hermione could tell that Draco was angry and as much as it pained her to admit it she could understand what the boy meant. Hadn't she, only earlier today, slipped off to the owlery to hide from prying eyes? "I just want to keep my head down and finish my education."
"Keep your head down?" Blaise asked incredulously. "You cannot just keep your head down and hide Draco. People will begin to think that you have done something wrong?"
"Haven't I?" Draco asked in a flat voice.
Now that the boys were closer Hermione could see their faces clearly. Blaise Zabini wore a mask of shock and anger after hearing his friend's words. Where Draco Malfoy looked broken, his cheeks were sunken and there were rings under his eyes that Hermione hadn't noticed when she had attacked him.
"Draco." Blaise said calmly, obviously trying to pacify his companion. "Do not let the fact that we lost the war get to you this much. There are still many victories to be had."
"Victories that I will not be a part of" Draco spat. "Do not be so naïve as to believe that there were winners and losers in the war Zabini. Everybody lost."
Hermione heard Zabini chuckle humourlessly. "Are you scared Malfoy?" he sneered. The sudden change in the darker boy's mood made Hermione feel uneasy.
"Of course I'm scared" Draco shot back, shocking both his companion and Hermione as she saw a dangerous fire flash in the blond boy's eyes. "My family just about survived the war. We are hanging on by a thread and I will not be the one that brings us crashing down to earth. Not now. Not after everything we have done."
"I thought Potter and his little friends ensured your pardon." Blaise sneered. "After your father proved himself to be the turncoat everyone always suspected him to be."
Draco tactfully ignored the jibe at his father but there was no ignoring the obvious anger in his voice. "They did. And they could just as easily ensure our undoing."
Zabini shook his head. "Those idiots are too busy at the ministry to worry about you are your family Draco. They are riding the last of their luck into high powered positions that they will never succeed at."
"Not all of them" Draco muttered.
"Don't worry about the mudblood." The dark boy said offhandedly with the trace of a smirk.
Hermione wanted to leap out of her hiding place and wipe the cocky look off of Zabini's face, but before she could even tell her legs to move Draco had the boy by the front of his robes. The blonde's face was twitching with anger as he spoke through clenched teeth. "Don't you dare use that word. Don't you dare call her mudblood."
Hermione dropped her head into her hands, she felt sick. How could she have been so stupid? She had attacked Draco when all he had been doing was defending her. She wanted to cry and hide away from what she knew was about to happen next. But she couldn't. She was the one who had acted out of hatred and fear; accusing the wrong person and doing something unforgivable. Now she was the one who had to face up to what she had done.
The bushy haired witch lifted her head just in time to see herself round the corner; the look she saw in her own eyes was one that she didn't recognise. The look was ugly and empty and it made her skin crawl. What had she become?
From this angle, hiding in her alcove, Hermione could see things she had not the first time this scene had played out. When she had pointed her wand at Draco's chest, she saw how Blaise had reached for his own wand only to be stopped by a firm hand from the blond boy on his wrist. When she roughly pulled up the sleeve of her robes to reveal the word Mudblood carved into her flesh Draco had only just managed to choke back a heave before he looked away. Clearly replaying in his mind the terrible night she had received the scar where he had been forced to watch his Aunt Bellatrix torture her mercilessly.
Hermione almost threw up herself when she saw the red jet fly from the end of her wand sending Draco sprawling through the air like a rag doll. The first time around she hadn't taken a second to assess how bad the injury to the boys head had been. From here she could see how the deep plume of crimson saturated his blonde hair almost instantaneously. She winced and closed her eyes briefly in shame. She hadn't noticed how when Draco tried to push himself from the floor his arms had trembled and given way under his weight. She wanted to rush to him and help him up, to look him in the eye and tell him how truly sorry she was for having acted the way that she had. But she knew that she could not. Part of her penance was to play silent voyeur to this awful scene.
It was with utter relief that Hermione saw the livid face of Minerva Mcgonagall, knowing that her suffering was about to come to an end. She watched the quick exchange between Professor Mcgonagall and the boys as Draco was sent to the hospital wing. Then she turned her attention to herself, she almost wanted to scream at herself from the recent past. The Hermione of a few hours ago stood with her head bowed in shame, but current Hermione knew that the shame she felt was at being seen at her worst by Mcgonagall not at what she had done. Past Hermione had no idea what shame was, it was nothing compared to the type of shame that was clawing away at her chest now as she hid in her alcove. She had attacked someone, but worse than that she had attacked someone who had not deserved it. When had she become someone who believed them self to be judge and executioner? Almost before she had time to compose herself Mcgonagall and her past self began making their way towards her hiding place. She pressed herself further into the alcove, shrinking back into the shadows to avoid being seen by either party. Despite her best efforts Professor Mcgonagall's head swivelled towards where she was lurking, throwing the murky gloom a knowing look without ever breaking stride.
After allowing herself a few minutes to compose herself Hermione eventually prised herself from the alcove and quickly made her way to the Gryffindor common room. She just wanted to curl up in her bed, cry and pretend like tonight never happened. She knew she only had the evening before the corridors of Hogwarts would be awash with gossip about what she had done to Draco Malfoy. The anxiety at the thought of it almost over took her rational mind as she felt its crushing weight on her chest.
The feeling of anxiety dissipated slightly as she crawled through the portrait hole and sighed as she was greeted by the comforting warmth of the cosy red and gold common room. Her eyes quickly scanned the area suspecting that at least some of her friends would still be awake. Hermione didn't really want to speak to any of them, particularly about what had happened tonight, but knew that it would be unavoidable without it looking suspicious. Her worst fear was realised when she spotted Ginny frantically waving at her from a couch by the fire. She reluctantly crossed the room and plonked down next to her friend.
"Hey grumpy Gus." Ginny greeted her mockingly as she saw the sullen look on Hermione's face. "I thought you would have beaten me here. You left the Great Hall almost half an hour before me."
"I popped to the library." Hermione shocked herself with the easiness of the lie. Even though she knew that her ginger friend would not judge her for what she had done to Draco. She just wasn't ready to talk about it, she wasn't sure she'd be able to even if she wanted to.
Ginny turned to her friend with an incredulous look. "You and that sodding library Hermione. Do I need to repeat myself? Classes. Have. Not. Started. Yet." She stressed each word of the last sentence.
Hermione blew her breath out in a huff. "I'm aware of that Ginny, thank you." She said sarcastically. "I guess I just wanted… to hide away a little bit." This may not have been the truth this evening but it was certainly how she felt right now. She wanted to hide away from the world, from what she had just done.
"You can't hide away Hermione." Ginny said, it was a simple comment but the words made the bushy haired witch shiver as they were almost a direct echo of those spoken by Blaise Zabini earlier. Before she could stop it her mind was replaying the images of Draco's head bouncing off the stone floor.
"I know." Hermione offered to her friend as she squeezed her eyes shut trying to stop the sound of skull on stone floor echoing in her mind. "But I think I'm going to need to for a while." She knew that although many of her peers would cheer over the fact she had taken Malfoy down a peg or two, others would be horrified at her actions.
Ginny reached across and took her friends hand; the ginger witch could see the turmoil swirling in the other girls eyes. "You know you're never alone, right?"
Hermione smiled weakly. "I do Gin. And I appreciate it."
"Would you like to talk?" The younger girl asked. She wasn't sure what was bothering Hermione so much tonight but she was sure as hell not going to let her go through it alone.
"I don't think I do right now." Hermione said in a small but certain voice. "Is that ok?"
"Of course that's ok 'Mione." Ginny smiled softly at her friend, giving her hands a comforting squeeze of understanding. "Why don't you go up to the dorm and I'll hang around here for the next half an hour or so? It'll give you some time to yourself, to decompress."
Hermione sighed and fought with everything within her not to cry at her friend's kindness. Kindness she didn't feel like she deserved right now. "Ginny, I don't know what I did in a past life but it must have been something good to end up with a friend like you."
"What you did in a past life Hermione? What about all the good you have done in this one?" The younger witch chuckled affectionately, looking her friend dead in the eye. "I don't know what is going on in that wonderful mind of yours right now but remember that we're safe now and everything is ok."
The bushy haired witch knew her friend was trying to reassure her but Hermione could not help but scoff in her head at the notion of safety and normality. She did not feel safe or like everything was ok at all, she had not felt like that for even a second since the war had ended. Yes Voldemort was gone but she wasn't safe from the nightmares that plagued her most evenings. Yes the ministry was back under the control of the light but there were still people all over the country that believed wholeheartedly in what the Death Eaters had attempted to achieve. Yes she was no longer under attack but now she was the one doing the attacking because she couldn't bring herself to trust anyone. Yes she and her friends were free to live normal lives, but did she want to live the life that was laid out before her? Did she want to marry Ron, have 2.4 children, live in a house with a picket fence and work for the ministry?
The crushing anxiety crept into her chest once again as her thoughts threatened to drown her. Standing abruptly she turned to her ginger friend. "I have to go. Goodnight Ginny." With that she rushed towards her dorm not giving the other girl time to reply or adjust to Hermione's new mood.
When Hermione finally reached the sanctuary of the dorm room she slammed the door shut behind her and pressed her back to the cold wooden door. She needed something to help her feel grounded, her breathing was ragged and the bushy haired witch was pretty sure she was on the brink of a panic attack. Hermione threw her head backwards; the pain of her skull hitting the unyielding surface brought her back to reality slightly. Looking around the room, that held all of her creature comforts and reminders of the person she was before the war, she couldn't find it within herself to stop the sobs breaking free from her throat. She felt so far removed from the person she was only a year ago, the girl she had watched attack Draco Malfoy tonight was entirely unrecognisable to her. The more she thought about life as she knew it right now the harder the sobs became, her whole frame was shaking and her legs would no longer support her body weight, so she slid down the door until she was sitting on the cold floor.
As she curled her body around her knees she felt something hard dig into her chest and she remember that Mcgonagall's time turner was still hidden under her blouse. She wrenched the device from around her neck and tossed it carelessly across the room towards her bed, where it hit the mattress before promptly bouncing off the edge and landed with a tinkle on the floor. Hermione knew she should be more respectful towards her mentor's prized possession but right now she could not bring herself to care. All she could think about was the pounding in her head and the dull aching that filled her chest.
Hermione sobbed into her knees for more time than she cared to admit and would have continued to do so had she not been interrupted by the incessant pawing on her arm courtesy of Crookshanks. The half-kneazle must have had his peace disturbed by the girls incessant sobbing and now he wanted to know what on earth was going on. Hermione reached over and scooped the giant, ginger beast into her lap and buried her face into the fur of his neck, inhaling his comforting scent and letting her tears dry in his coat.
"Hey Crooks'" Hermione whispered affectionately to her beloved pet. "Did I wake you up from your nap with my silly crying?"
The half-cat, half-kneazle looked up at her with his big orange eyes before letting out an indignant meow and turning his nose up as if to show his displeasure at being disturbed.
Hermione chuckled lightly at her pets antics. "Well, I am so very sorry sir." The bushy haired witch said her voice laced with sarcasm. "But I'm sure I can find a way to make it up to you." She added as she reached out to scratch his chin, knowing this to be his one true weakness.
At first the ginger moggy attempted to move away from her touch as if to say 'it isn't going to be that easy'. But he could only refuse Hermione's persistence for so long and was quickly purring away with his eyes closed, enjoying every second.
Once Crookshanks felt that Hermione's debt was suitably paid he stretched, yawned and lightly climbed down from her lap to busy himself with something more important. Hermione sighed and laid her head back at the door once again, she took a steadying breath and then began the task of convincing her body to move. She unfolded herself stiffly from the floor and stretched her back out, hearing a few things pop and crack back into place after having been curled up in an awkward position for far too long. Hermione walked over to the mirror to assess the damage the crying had done to her face, her skin was blotchy, her eyes were puffy and red and her lips looked swollen and cracked. In short she looked a fright. Her first thought was that she was going to have to dim the lights before Ginny came up to bed in the hopes that she could hide the worst of the damage from her friend.
Hermione spun around about to make her way over to her bed when she was stopped in her tracks by what she saw. Crookshanks was laid on his back on the floor juggling Mcgonagall's golden time turner between his large ginger paws, its delicate chain clamped firmly between his teeth.
"Crookshanks, no" the witch bellowed as she rushed across the room and dropped to her knees before attempting the wrestle the device from her pet. "You do not play with things like this" she reprimanded sternly as she untangled the last part of the chain from Crookshanks' jaws. She looked the time turner over thoroughly but save for a few ginger hairs trapped in the mechanics Hermione could see no damage. Breathing a sigh of relief she slipped the golden trinket around her neck deciding this was the safest place for it until she could return it to the headmistress tomorrow.
No sooner had the time turner settled on Hermione's chest she felt the familiar pull of the strands of time tugging at her body, dragging her back to she did not know when. The bushy haired witch began to panic, the racing backwards of time usually lasted a matter of seconds but on this occasion it showed no sign of stopping soon. As the seconds stretched on the tugging at her body began to become more insistent and more painful. It felt as though sharp claws were tearing at her flesh and something was squeezing her head as though it was attempting to crack her skull in two. She opened her mouth to scream in pain but no sound came out. She began to see black spots in her vision and she was pretty sure she was going to pass out any second. Hermione had heard the horror stories of what happened to those that mistreated time turners. How timelines could be irreparably damaged. How people could end up trapped in a time that was not their own. How time travellers bodies aged decades in a matter of days. But before Hermione could come up with anymore horrendous consequences to her accidental time jump the world realigned with a shocking jolt and she hit the hard floor with a groan.
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