I am borrowing the characters and imaginings of the great Callie Khoury. I do not own these characters.

Your comments and feedback are welcome and appreciated. Hope you enjoy!

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Chapter 5 – Painful Decisions

Rayna was running late. She should have been home two hours ago, but as per usual these days, Bucky had a fire she had to deal with before she could leave for the day. Highway 65 was finally, comfortably in the black, but diva artists were high maintenance and she didn't want a repeat of the great Marcus Keen disaster.

When she finally walked in the door, she spied Deacon sitting in the chair facing the kitchen, just staring off into space with a pensive, concerned look on his face.

"A penny for your thoughts," Rayna prompted.

"Oh, hey, Ray. I didn't hear you come in."

Rayna knew that when Deacon got like this, she had to tread carefully and try to draw out what he needed to get off his chest. "What's going on Deacon? Did you see Coleman, today? Tandy told me he was in town."

"I did. But you know Ray, it brought up some old stuff." There it is, thought Rayna. "Some old resentment that is always just under the surface. Questions like how could Cole sell me out? Why did he never believe that you and I could be together?" Deacon hesitated like he was thinking whether he should verbalize what he was thinking. In the end, his heart won out over his head. "Why would you listen to him, Ray? Why did you let him talk you into giving my daughter to Teddy?"

"Come on now, Deacon. Are we going to go down that rabbit hole again?" Rayna agitatedly asked. "I thought we agreed to put that behind us and just look to this wonderful life we have now and the promise of the future."

"I know, Ray, and you're right. I'm the luckiest man alive. I got you and Maddie and Daphne, and we have this beautiful house, our music and Highway 65. But I can't help but wonder how you could have just walked away." Deacon said without animosity, but with blinding curiosity.

Rayna conceded that for Deacon to find peace she was going to have to take him back to that time, the very moment she made the decision to leave him behind and allow Teddy to be Maddie's father.

"Deacon, I think it might answer some questions if I share my journal from that time in my life. I felt I had no other option. You'll also hear how I came to that decision and how it truly shredded me. Why don't you come up to our bedroom and I'll get my journal. This is one entry I want to keep between us."

"Thanks, babe. I need to hear this."

"I know you do. It's long overdue."

They ascended the stairs with Deacon's arm wrapped lovingly around Rayna's shoulders and her's around his waist. He needed that connectedness. He needed to feel her strength. He wanted, no needed to hear this, but he was scared. Scared to hear what Rayna saw then. Afraid that the Deacon she saw was a washed up, monster.

When they entered their bedroom, Rayna led him to the settee and Deacon sat down. Rayna retrieved her journal from her nightstand and settled herself in Deacon's side. She opened the journal and placed her empty hand on Deacon's knee, looked in his scared, sad eyes then closed hers and gently kissed him.

She began.

9/06/99

Tomorrow I'm going to tell Deacon about the baby. I can't not tell Deacon. I just know it's his. Teddy and I have been so careful. I don't know what will happen. I'm so scared. Coleman told me Deacon went berserk when he heard I was seeing Teddy and he's drinking again.

Maybe, just maybe if he knows about the baby he'll change. Maybe this will be what makes him stop drinking. God knows he can't stop for me.

I'm just so confused. I'm mad because he's not here. I'm devastated because he's not here. I want him to love me enough to pull himself up. I don't know what life looks like without Deacon. All I know right now is I have someone that I'm going to be responsible for and I'm terrified to do it alone.

Rayna paused and looked up. Deacon hung his head and raised his eyes to look at her. He was mortified and sad, but he needed to hear more.

09/07/99

I went to the cabin today. Tandy insisted on coming with me.

What I saw broke my heart. Deacon was drunk and inconsolable. He was trashing everything in the cabin.

I wanted to go to him, to tell him. But Tandy was adamant. She is scared for me and the baby. I'm scared of losing Deacon to his demons and if I have to admit it, I'm scared for the baby. God knows Deacon would never knowingly do anything to harm a child, but when he gets on these downward spirals, he can't be accountable for his actions. I can take the black and blue marks and hurtful words, because I know he doesn't mean them, but a child can't and shouldn't have to.

If Deacon accidentally did anything to harm the baby, he would not be able to forgive himself and he wouldn't be able to come back from the devastation.

09/10/99

Everyone is telling me to let him go. How can I let him go? I love him. He is the best man I know. He'd do anything for me.

But lately he isn't the man I know he can be.

Teddy asked me to marry him. I don't love Teddy, at least not as much or more than Deacon. He's nice and he is willing to accept my baby whether or not he is the father.

I love Deacon. He is my world. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling this is his baby - mine and his - ours. I don't know if he is ready for a child right now. I don't know if I'm ready for a child or if I'll be a good mother. I know that he would love our child, more than life itself. He is a good man despite his problems. He wants to be a good man.

Rayna paused and looked up at Deacon. His eyes were filled with tears ready to spill over onto his cheeks. Despite the pain the words invoked, his eyes pleaded with her to continue. He brushed back a stray hair from Rayna's face and nodded his head for her to continue.

I've talked with Tandy and Cole. They both think I should let Deacon go. Cole doesn't know about the baby. He just feels that I'm part of Deacon's addiction and the only way for him to get better is for me to let him go. He needs to get sober for himself, not for me.

Tandy is scared for me and the baby. She wants me to marry Teddy. She feels that Teddy loves me and will be a good father for the baby. He'll provide a safe and structured life for us. He is respected in the community and has daddy's seal of approval.

I could give a damn whether daddy likes him or not. Daddy's opinion stopped meaning anything to me the day he kicked me out of the house.

I love Deacon so much. I want him to get better. Maybe Coleman is right. Maybe I'm the problem. Me and a baby may be too much for Deacon. I'm scared. I can't do this alone. And, truth be told, I'll probably be ostracized from country music if I have a child out of wedlock. I've spent too long building my career to just throw it away and I know Deacon wouldn't want me to do that.

God help me and God help Deacon. I'm going to say "yes" to Teddy and pray that Deacon gets better and one day we'll be together. I know that is so wrong, but if we don't end up together, it will be my cross and my cross only to bear. I can't stand the thought of Deacon suffering. I can't stand the thought of a world, my world, without Deacon.

Rayna closed the journal slower and took a breath. She rubbed Deacon's hand and turned to him. "Deacon, I didn't want this history. I wanted you so badly. You have to know that it tore me to pieces every day since I made that decision. But at the same time, I look back now and think that I would have made that decision again. For all the hurt and pain, you have come out the other side a stronger man - sober, a wonderful father, and the best husband."

M

Deacon took Rayna's hand and with his other gently wiped the tears rolling down her cheek. "Ray, if I were you, I would have probably done the same. It pains me to say that, but perhaps that is what I needed to get to this place."

"Babe, I love you so damn much." Rayna stood up and offered her hand to Deacon and pulled him up so that he was standing in front of her. She caressed his face and stared into his eyes then down at his lips. She leaned in and softly laid her lips on his. He began kissing her lazily at first until the fire lit his belly and he hungrily began to devour her lips. His tongue begged for entrance with no resistance. He savored the taste of her. His hands joined his mouth in their frenzied exploration. He pulled her blouse from her pants and ran his hands underneath. Her warm, smooth skin greeted him. His rough hands caused Rayna to gasp as they kneaded and stroked her back and then her breasts.

Rayna began to lose control. He could do that to her, even now. He was still the man that taught her about sex and pleasure and the only man that could give her multiple, mind-blowing orgasms. She thrust her hips into his and began grinding into the bulge threatening to burst through his jeans.

Deacon smiled. He loved that he could get her so worked up, still. It was the biggest turn on - her unrelenting need to have him inside her. He loved playing the game with her. He rubbed against her and slipped his hand between her legs and stroked her center through her jeans. He could feel her wetness and knew that it wouldn't be long before she would need for them to shed their clothes. He offered her some help by pushing her blouse down her arms to the floor. She let him know she needed more by pushing her breasts tantalizingly into his chest until he unsnapped her bra in one easy motion and laved her right nipple while squeezing and tweaking the left until she reached down to grasp his t-shirt and pull it over his head. She urgently grabbed his belt loops and guided him to the bed and on top of her.

She laid underneath him and trapped him between her legs. He quickly unsnapped her jeans and jimmied them and her red lacy panties together down her long legs as he adored them and paid homage to them with his mouth. When he came back up and he breathed on her sex, Rayna bucked and moaned loudly. Deacon looked up at her, pleased with himself and so damned turned on.

As much as Rayna loved the attention from his mouth, she needed him in her. She grabbed his shoulders and guided him up her body. Deacon kept her occupied with his mouth while working furiously to relieve himself of his jeans. Once he shed them, Rayna rubbed her body against his to feel his hard, rough contours. Then to his surprise, she pushed him up to his knees and flipped over and got on all fours. Deacon smirked and slapped Rayna's perfect little ass then slammed into her.

"Oh, God, Deacon. I can feel every delicious inch of you."

Deacon began pumping into her like a speeding locomotive until they both fell over the edge. He held onto her waist, relishing being inside her until his body slowed and their breathing returned to normal.

Deacon pulled out and Rayna rolled over on her back. She reached up and gently stroked Deacon's cheek. "Nobody loves me like you. Nobody ever has and nobody ever will."

M

Deacon smiled, pulled Rayna on top of him and slowly ran his hand up and down her back and through her hair, just savoring the reality of having her to in his arms, eventually falling into a comfortable, peaceful, satisfying slumber.

When Rayna heard Deacon's even, deep breathing and was certain he was asleep, she grabbed her journal and a pen from her nightstand.

04/22/18

I am the luckiest woman alive. I don't know what I did to deserve Deacon Claybourne, but he is the man I knew he could be when I fell in love with him at 16. I'm loved by a good man. I couldn't ask for more.