I let Ashton lead me out of my manor not too sure where we were going. I wasn't sure if he knew where we were going. This was probably the first time in his life he had been in this area of Idris.

Finally, Ashton stopped at the bottom of a hill. "You can't see it, can you? The manor house?" he questioned. I shook my head. We had crossed hill upon hill in our trek from my home and now when I looked around all I saw was the valley of the meadow.

"I'm sorry," I started to say. I'm weak. I was a shadowhunter, I shouldn't have been having a near mental breakdown after breaking a childish toy. There were more important things going on.

Ashton stared at me with his brown eyes for a second; I could scarcely see the color in the dim light. "I never told you about my past, did I?" I shook my head realizing that he hadn't. There had never been time between the Institute murders and Jonathan.

Light suddenly shined from between his fingers, illuminating his face. He had pulled a witchlight out of his pocket. I hadn't even thought to bring mine, I'd left it behind in New York.

"I was thirteen when it happened," Ashton started to tell his tale. "We lived in this quaint little town where nothing happened. Then one night my family and I were walking home from dinner. I felt the air change around us." The witchlight in his hand began to shake slightly. "I saw the demons as they attacked my parents, as they killed them. Instinct told me to take my sister and run, so I did, all the way to the police station." Sister? I had no idea Ashton even had a sibling. How had that never come up in conversation?

"They thought I was crazy when I started to spout about a demon killing my parents. When they found the remains they ruled it as an animal attack." Ashton stopped for a moment before continuing. "Since we had no living relatives my sister and I were sent into the system. It wasn't long before I was sent to a mental institution because I wouldn't stop spouting "nonsense" about the demons. I started to see them everywhere I went. It was a nightmare.

"And then the Shadowhunters found me. They explained to me that I had the Sight, that demons were real and I wasn't crazy. They told me about the Academy, a place where I could train to Ascend, to become a Shadowhunter. I could protect those who couldn't protect themselves, I could protect my sister. There wasn't a doubt within me as I took the offer."

Ashton had glanced down, staring into the witchlight as he told his tale but now he looked up and stared at me. I realized how dark it had become, the light in his hands the only thing illuminating the two of us. "I'm tell you this because I want you to know that I understand. I know what its like to have your parents killed in front of you, to not be able to get the revenge you think you need." His lips twisted into a crooked smile. "I stayed at the Institute because of you, you know? It amazed me when I saw you, so strong and fiery despite your father's death. I wanted to know you. I needed to know you."

As Ashton stared at me I found myself having trouble forming words. What did I say to that? What could I say to that? "I'm not strong," I ended up saying. "It's a facade." How easy had it been to put up my walls, to pretend like I was fine? It was easier than dealing with the turmoil of emotions inside me, that was for sure.

"I know," Ashton said and I stared at him like he had slapped me in the face. "The first time I talked to you, I knew. It's the same thing that I've been doing since I started at the Academy. One day, one of the instructors pulled me aside. They told me it was okay to let myself feel my pain. That I had to feel it, so I could fight through it. I couldn't keep it all walled up inside because it would have killed me, one way or another. That man was your father, Clary."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek at the mention of him. "Valentine Morganstern gave me this witchlight. He told me to use it to light the darkness against my demons, to use it as a beacon, as hope for the life I wished to have." Ashton grasped my hand and pressed the witchlight into my palm. It was warm in my hands. "I think you need this more than I do, Clary."

"Thank you," I said to him as I clenched the light with my fist. The light momentarily disappearing until I relaxed my fingers.

Ashton smiled at me. As he did, I realized just how close we were sitting on the hill. His smile was warm and comforting and at that moment I wanted to- "I think you need to talk to Izzy," he cut off my thoughts.

"What?" I questioned, dismayed.

"She's your Parabatai, and yeah you've made some mistakes but she'll forgive you. You need to talk things out with her." I stared at him, knowing he was right.

Soon after Ashton and I sat on my living room couch in front of the warm heat of the fire. Our discarded coffee mugs sat on the table.

When we returned, I started a fire realizing the manor house was freezing. Ashton disappeared while I did this but returned moments later with two fresh steaming cups of coffee. I didn't question where the coffee came from because I knew there was nothing in the kitchen cabinets.

"-and Sebastian came inside all muddy and bleeding. You should have seen the look on my mother's face," I finished telling Ashton a story. Sitting in the living room like we were had brought up so many memories.

Ashton chuckled and opened his mouth to say something but that was when the front door opened and the Lightwood siblings stepped inside.

I saw Izzy eyeing us suspiciously. It didn't help that we were sitting close together on the couch under the same blanket.

Ashton gave me a look before clearing his throat and all but dragging Alec up the stairs to "talk about the plan for the mission tomorrow." This left me and Izzy alone in the living room.

"Are you okay?" She was the first to speak, stepping closer to the couch.

I kneaded the blanket in my hands. "No," I told her, this time truthfully. My Parabatai sat down next to me. "I'm stupid and stubborn and too proud to admit that I'm honestly a train wreck. I never properly grieved my parent's deaths. I put all my emotions into finding Jonathan, into hating Jonathan, but that didn't help, not really." I looked up at Izzy. "I made a rash decision I shouldn't have and hurt you. And I was too unreasonable to even apologize to you. Because it was wrong. You're my Parabatai and I shouldn't have done what I did. I'm so sorry, Izzy. I miss you."

Izzy didn't waste any time in throwing her arms around me and hugging me tightly. I hugged her back with the same force. "I missed you too, Clary."

Maybe not all was right in the world but at that moment I felt like everything was. In that moment I had my Parabatai back.