Reviews:
Greatserb56: Toaster are a given in this chapter/special. Thanks for the review!
DeathGrips099: To be honest I did not plan out the Rouge Tech-Priest as much as I should have done. His name is literally traitor in German because I originally planned for him to be a cultist. Thanks for pointing out my mistake, and it has been corrected. I should add RWBY and JNPR more, but I do not know how. I did not want to just copy and paste the entire script from the show, but now that the story is deviating from cannon they will come into the light more. As for Ruby joining the Ad Mech, it might happen. There is a little bit more of team RWBY and JNPR in this chapter. Next chapter will be Dance Dance Infiltration with will have Ruby for sure, but she is going to be overshadowed by the Ad Mech. That is Pugnus' plan after all, make the citizens of Remnant view the Ad Mech as superior to the huntsmen and Atlas Military. Which will be accomplished by him swooping into every time they are doing and one upping them, I could write how team RWBY gets angry at them. But team JNPR does not seem the kind of team that would be upset about that, maybe Nora but Ren would shut here up with pancakes. I will take any and all advice from the readers on this.
Forge Master 00: When you mention Rose for some reason I can only think about the Angry Marines, don't know why thou. I suspect someone has tampered with my cogitators. Keep you purge code inactive, do not want you to damage your cogitators while overclocking all systems to burn the heretek in holy fire.
Notes: I have no bloody clue on how to edit chapters after I post them, that is why the last chapter might be messed up. If you want anything added to the next special, just pm me or leave a review when I announce the next one. There will be multiple 4th wall breaks and references, if you understand them good for you. I had a lot of fun writing this special (that is why it is so long), hopefully you have as much fun reading it as well.
April Fools' Special
A tech-priest was sitting in his office when he got a call from the surface at three in the morning. He introduced himself, "This is Magos Dominus Pugnus Rubrum speaking who is this?"
A deep human voice responded, "This is Jake from Patch. I was wondering if your cogitator was running."
"My cogitators are running perfectly fine," informed Pugnus. He could hear snickers from the other side.
"THEN YOU BETTER GO CATCH IT!" yelled Jake as he hung up the phone. The Magos Dominus stared awkwardly at the vox before ordering a tech-priest to secure the holy machines.
As Ruby ended the call she could see Dominus Ferrum laughing her heart out. She caught her planning a prank for April fools, when she asked why the crimson teen explained the holiday to her. The tech-priest informed the other tech-priest on Remnant before they both initiated a prank call on the Magos Dominus.
Cyber was halfway thru polishing the Kastelans when he realized something terrible happened. He forgot to refuel their phosphex canister, and now they were empty! With no other options he contacted a comrade, -Hey Quin, do you happen to have any spare phosphex? The Kastelans are out of fuel.-
-I have perfectly enough for your pleasure robots Cyber, - responded the Dominus.
The Datasmith yelled into his vox caster, -THEY ARE BATTLE AUTOMATA AND IT IS MY JOB TO LOVE AND CHERISH THEM!-
A loud binary screech woke Ozpin up from his midday nap in his office. He checked the security cameras to see a Cybernetica Datasmith breathing heavily while standing near his robots, and one of the tech-priest having a squad of Skitarii carrying unlabeled canisters to the landing pads. Once Dominus Decium reached Cyber, the soldiers poured the liquids into the Kastelans. The Datasmith was setting up targets on the far side of the landing pads. -Now that they are resupplied all we need to do is calibrate the targeting systems, - explained the Datasmith as he ordered the robots to open fire.
Instead of holy superheated purging phosphex pouring out at a high enough rate to shred any forms of cover, bubbles came out. Bubbles. He turned to see the tech-priest laughing with his squad of Skitarii Rangers. Instead of yelling at them, he activated the Conqueror Protocols on all twelve of the Kastelans.
Dominus Ferrum and Ruby's planning was halted when they heard a loud and fast knocking at the door. The student opened the door to see a scared and shaking form of Tech-Priest Dominus Quin Decium. He quickly explained his presence, "I pranked Cyber by replacing the Kastelan's ammunition with bathroom soap. Also all boys bathroom on the first and second floor are out of soap by mysterious reasons."
"Then why are you running around the school?" asked Ruby. Before the tech-priest could answer, the loud steps of the Kastelan Robots could be heard and they were approaching fast. Ira started praying for her comrade as the automata came into view behind Quin. The Dominus pushed Ruby into the path of the bloody thirsty robots as he dove out of the window. Sadly he forgot to check the height and too looked before he jumped. The twelve Kastelans marched thru the dorm room following the doomed tech-priest out the window. Ruby promised from outside of the room, "Somebody is going to pay for that." Thankfully her aura protected her from death by trampling.
Professor Goodwitch watched as the Cybernetica Datasmith approached her, he seemed pissed for some reason. He explained, "I have been pranked today by Dominus Decium. I need access to the cameras to find him. He will be punished."
"What is in it for me?" questioned Glynda.
Cyber proposed, "My twelve Kastelans will patrol the school and will apprehend any prankster. You can rest in your office while I bring the students to you to be punished." She handed him her scroll as he plugged on of his metal tentacle things into the port. He was silent for a moment before stating, "I have found fifth teen pranksters already, sending the Kastelans to capture them."
Ten minutes later, Cyber was standing in front of the offending Dominus and his five Skitarii followers. -Skitarii, I know that you were following orders. If you give a statement in court against the Dominus you will have immunity to all charges.-
-Roger roger, - replied the Skitarii Ranger Alpha-0056 as the Ranger Squad kneeled before the Cybernetica Datasmith. He finally had the power he craved. Two Rangers grabbed Quin by his arms and started to drag him to Professor Goodwitch's office for sentencing.
Cardin and his team were holding a special gift he had for the other students. Most people would see them as water balloons filled with dye, but he saw them as swift justice. Team CRDL silently walked towards the door the cafeteria to enact their plan. That was until they opened to door to stand face to face, or was it face to chest plate, with one of the giant robots. "Shit," was all Cardin could say before the Kastelan's fist swung into his head, knocking him out.
Ruby and Dominus Ferrum stood in the remains of the student dorm, neither knowing what to do next. The rest of team RWBY entered the room, or what was left of it, breaking the silence. "What happened here?" questioned Weiss.
"It was not me!" yelled Ruby as she hid behind the tech-priest.
Yang glared at the robed figure until Ira explained, "Dominus Decium pranked Cyber. The Datasmith sent twelve four meter tall automata to hunt him down. Quin tried to hide in here, but was found out. He jumped out and the twelve Kastelans followed, now you can have a nice breeze if you leave the door open."
Blake informed them, "That explains the giant robots patrolling the school and arresting anyone attempting to prank someone." Ruby's eyes went wide with shock as the light emitting from under Ira's hood changed from a light blue to a blood red.
"How do you feel about getting revenge on Cyber for destroying your dorm and this holy holiday?" asked the Dominus as she laid out the prank she and Ruby was planning earlier.
After an extensive inspection, Pugnus was confident to say the cogitators were secured and would not be running away. He was still curious as to how Jake from Patch knew that his machines were loose, but he will thank him when he returns to the surface nonetheless. That is when he received a report from a Cybernetica Datasmith, -Magos Dominus, Dominus Decium has been apprehended after replace the phosphex in my Kastelans with soap. The civilians seem to be infected with a plague that compels them to prank other civilians.-
After searching for the definition in his cogitators he asked, -Does that mean Jake from Patch was trying to prank me?-
-Magos Dominus, there is nobody named Jack from Patch, - explained Cyber. The Datasmith could he sworn he heard crying from the other side of the vox, but that was probably just static.
After the crying/static stopped, Pugnus ordered, -You have my full support to arrest any pranksters. I will send reinforcements to the surface via drop pod. We must cure them of the disease, anima shield us!-
Team RWBY and Dominus Ferrum finished with their plan, all they need now was the supplies. The list included glue, glitter, feathers, rope, and spray paint. Five items and five people, a perfect fit. Ira reasoned, "The only logical item I could acquire without being suspicious is the adhesive. I will take a Skitarii squad with me to help carry supplies. If I was Cyber I would not be surprised if Ruby got the glitter, Blake the rope, and Yang having spray paint. That leaves Weiss to the feathers. Good luck comrades, may the Omnissiah guide you." The tech-priest quickly left the room thru the Kastelan shaped hole before any of the students could question her.
The Faunus commented, "Why would Cyber think I would have rope?"
"Maybe he found out about your kink?" joked the blonde of the team.
The team leader asked, "What is a kink?"
Yang realized that she had messed up and changed the topic, "Time to get spray paint!" The bombshell followed Ira by jumping out of what was left of the window, her weapons fired to prevent her moment from breaking the pavement. Blake and Weiss soon followed with their ribbon and semblance respectively.
Ruby was left alone in the dorm with three walls as she yelled into the void, "What is a kink!"
In the depths of Emerald Forest, a pure black drop pod with a red 'I' painted on the side crashed into one of the trees breaking the silence of the empty woods. Unfortunate for the person in the craft, the fall did not fully break the tree but left the drop pod a long distance from the ground. The door to the pod was opened with a forceful kick from the occupant, his cargo in the craft started to fall out of the door and break once they hit the forest floor. -FOR THE LOVE OF THE OMNISSIAH! NOT THE TOASTER! - screeched the augmented being in the vehicle.
Ozpin watched from the camera as the robots under Cyber's command were detaining his students that were pranking people, to only bring them to Professor Goodwitch. The only notable people that are detained were team CRDL and Dominus Decium. Team RWBY and Dominus Ferrum were planning the resistance against their oppressors, he would be interested to see how that turns out. Professor Oobleck and Port did express their support of the girls to Ozpin, but they will not support in action in fear of the fourteen foot tall automata patrolling the school.
The Cybernetica Datasmith was examining the students that he had in quarantine thoroughly. None shown any signs any signs of infection that was apparent, besides committing a prank. None of them answered to his questioning about them being diseased, which was exceptionally concerning. He had dubbed the sickness the Prank Pox. Cyber left the quarantine area and headed to the improvised prison, an empty dorm with metal bars on the windows and doors, which was guarded by the five skitarii rangers. Upon seeing the Datasmith, the Alpha Ranger opened the door letting the figure inside the cell.
Dominus Decium woke up in chains to see Cyber standing in front of him, even without a face he could see that he was annoyed. -Traitor, how were you infected with the Prank Pox? - asked the Datasmith.
Quin countered, -You would deem me an enemy over a meaningless prank?-
-You have given into the curses of the Plague Lord, there is no other explanation to you being infected with the Prank Pox, - clarified Cyber. The tech-priest in chains laughed at his assessment.
Quin corrected, -Today is April 1st in the local's calendar. For them today holds a holiday called April Fools' Day. It is required to prank someone today. There is no Prank Pox, and there is no heresy he…-
A loud voice outside the window cut the tech-priest off, -DID SOMEONE SAY HERESY?!- The person who owns the voice jumped into the room thru the barred window and pointed his flamer at the two adepts in the room. Cyber noticed hidden amongst the black robes was a symbol of an 'I' with a half mechanical skull in the center of it.
He introduced himself, -Nobody expects the Martian Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Omnissiah. Our four...no...Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again. - The tech-priest inquisitor leap back out of the window leaving the two adepts from Metalica confused.
Dominus Decium continued where he left off, -As I was saying, there is no heresy here.-
The tech-priest inquisitor leap back into the room from the window screeching, -Nobody expects the Martian Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Omnissiah, and nice black uniforms. Oh damn! I can't say it, you'll have to say it. - A servo-skull bearing the same symbol as the tech-priest inquisitor moved from behind his back into the view of Cyber and Quin.
-Tech-Priest Inquisitor Cyberdong, you have already wrecked the plan numerous times. Skip the introduction and move on, or are you not fit for your recent promotion? - threatened the servo-skull. The tech-priest inquisitor (TPI) shuddered at the thought of losing his new rank, he would become the laughing stock of the Adeptus Mechanicus!
Cyberdong questioned, -Which one of you is the heretek? - The two other cyborgs in the room looked at each other before turning back to the Inquisitor.
-There is no hereteks here. Dominus Decium was joining in a local holiday called April Fools' Day, - clarified Cyber. The TPI moved his glare to the imprisoned tech-priest asking him without a word to explain.
Quin retold what happened, -April Fools' Day is a holiday where you prank another. I replaced the Phosphex in the Kastelan Robots with soap. The Cybernetica Datasmith then proceeded to send the twelve automata to hunt me down.-
-Where is the Phosphex now? - asked Cyberdong. Both of the tech-priest shrugged, the writer of the story had no idea where to put the superheated liquid. The TPI continued, -Did we just break the fourth wall, and is the author too lazy to type tech-priest inquisitor?-
Cyber pointed to the window and yelled, -Daemon spotted in that direction tech-priest inquisitor! Defeating it might secure your promotion. - Without hesitation Cyberdong jumped out the window dual wielding flamers, we would drown the warp spawn in holy fire. Once he was gone, the Datasmith released Quin and helped him unto his feet as he explained, -If you would have explained to me about the holiday earlier I would have gladly joined in the pranking.-
-I was too busy running for my life from the twelve Kastelan Robots, - retorted the Dominus as the both walked out of the improvised prison. Quin looked down the hallway and saw a sight that made him laugh, Cyber confused by what was happening turned to see what his comrade saw. Oh boy he regretted turned down the hallway. With precious, pure, blameless, clean Kastelan Robots were tied together with rope and all of them were covered in multicolored feathers, glitter, and the phrase 'LONG LIVE THE RESISTANCE!' was spray painted to the closest wall. The joints in his power fist cracked at the pressured he applied to them.
Cyber corrected himself, -On second thought Quin, I am going to put my power fist to good use today.- Team RWBY and Dominus Ferrum watched, hidden inside the crowd of students and teachers, as the Cybernetica Datasmith slowly walked up to his robots. Ira noticed that his hands were shaking violently as he kneeled down before the nearest automata. Cyber's light blue augmented eyes changed to dark red as he turned to face the crowd. His gamma pistol barked, turning the rope to dust. The vandalized automata slowly stood up and formed a line facing the crowd with the Datasmith behind them with his red eyes.
"LAY WASTE TO THE CROWD!" raved the mad man as the robots followed his order, slowly raising their heavy phosphor blasters aiming at the civilians that now registered as hostiles. The students and teachers had no idea what to do, some reached for their weapons that were not there while some were frozen in place by fear.
Ira commented as she activated her refractor field, -Never thought I would die in a school on a feudal world, I expected to be at least over one hundred year old and on a worthless ball of dirt. Whelp, glory to the Omnissiah.-
Enginseer Eights was currently with the ginger from team JNPR planning to prank the other Enginseer, both were blissfully unaware of the conflict on the other side of the school. Eights just wanted to annoy him while Nora hated Precision for helping Oobleck in class to give more homework to the class. They had to write an essay about the difference between the Adeptus Mechanicus and Vale, while their only source of information was from what Precision said in class! "How about we break his legs?" suggested Nora as she raised her giant hammer.
"His legs are metal it would do nothing," explained Eights as the ginger pouted a little. He recover himself, "I can do you one better, what if we steal his legs?"
Nora then asked the important question, "How do we steal his legs without him knowing?"
"How about when he is giving a speech, I will say I am calibrating his leg joints only just to steal them." answered the tech-priest. Her jade eyes were suddenly filled with mischief as Eights activated his servo-arm with malicious intent.
The entire crowd tensed as the loud clacks of the robot's weapons being racked broke the silence. That was until bubbles came out of the menacing weapons, behind the wall of metal Cyber was rolling on the floor while coughing. It took the student longer than it should have to realize he was laughing. The datasmith stood up while giggling and brushed himself off. "You have just been pranked!" yelled the Datasmith at the various confused students.
"War crimes do not count as pranks. A prank is what my team did to your robots," taunted Yang from the crowd. Her teammates turned to her and gave a 'what the fuck' look. Cyber without hesitation rushed into the crowd, trying his best to move faster amongst the many students to catch team RWBY who quickly escaped the crowd and started to flee.
Blake informed their purser, "You know that Dominus Ferrum helped us right?" The Datasmith turned to face Ira and pointed his gamma pistol at her.
"Get back here you backstabbing abhuman!" yelled the female tech-priest as she chased after the Faunus thru the halls, while Cyber chased after her. Professor Goodwitch was watching the entire confrontation on his scroll from her office, she did not know which side to support. Her students that vandalized the school and military equipment, or the mad man who ordered his robots to fire upon civilians as a joke. At least she hoped it was for a joke and not because he forgot to resupply his troop's ammo.
Team JNPR entered Doctor Oobleck's classroom as Enginseer Eights waited outside for the signal. The teacher stood informed the class, "Today, Enginseer Precision has been kind enough to give us a more in depth history of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Please respect him while he is giving his speech." A large portion of the class groaned as the tech-priest walked up to the speaking area. Nora let out her special sloth cry, signaling Enginseer Eights to enter the room.
-What are you doing here Eights? - asked Precision.
The Enginseer in question answered, "The Magos Dominus has ordered me to conduct calibrations of the leg joints in all tech-priest due to Dominus Decium's joints failing him earlier today. You can continue with you speech, it should not be long." Precision was confused why he answered in low gothic but ignored questioning him, he was students to teach about the holy light of the Omnissiah!
Precision started his speech, "In M15 during the Age of Technology, Mars was the first world to be colonized by the new and young human empire. All records of the name of the empire have been either lost or destroyed. The human empire continued to grow until M25, when the Age of…" The loud and obnoxious sound of welding over shadowed his story, making the students unable to hear him. Ren noticed that Nora was not asleep during the speech as she usually would, she must be planning something with Eights. The Enginseer called for the other, "Eights." He did not reply, but continued to weld. Precision tried again, "Eights…Eights! EIGHTS!"
The tech-priest looked up from his kneeling position and asked as he mimicked eating a carrot, "What's up doc?"
"Could you keep the noise down?" suggested the standing Enginseer. Eights ignored the statement and continued to calibrate his joints.
He continued his speech, "The Age of Strife, the human empire collapsed with terrifying swiftness. Their worlds were infected with anarchy, enslavers, betrayal of the A.I., and other heretical actions. Under the Old Night, Mars expanded. The entire planet was unified under the Cult Mechanicus, after that they reached for the stars to set up new colonies, and find lost technology. But due to…complications, they only reached the edges of Segmentum Solar. Then came the Mars Treaty, where…what are you doing?!"
Eights swiftly pushed the upper half of Precision causing his to fall to the floor as he held his legs. The entire class gasped at what happened, and the students that fell asleep were quickly woken by their teammates. "Have a happy April Fools' Day mate!" answered the Enginseer as he ran out of the classroom with the fresh pair of legs in tow. The upper half of Precision crawled after the prankster. Ren would have to scold Nora later about stealing someone's legs, but right now he was too busy trying not to laughing.
Team RWBY was approaching a t-intersection in the halls, from the right they saw Enginseer Eights running to the left with a pair of legs? Yang sprinted up the tech-priest and asked, "Where did you get a pair of legs?"
Eights explained, "Stole them from Precision as he was giving a speech in Doctor Oobleck's class. Why are you running?"
Ruby shouted, "We covered the giant robots with feathers and glitter after the ruined our dorm while chasing Quin. We had help from Ira."
-So Dominus Decium's joints did fail him earlier today. Neat, - commented the Enginseer to himself as he glance behind him. The tech-priest saw, from closest to farthest, Yang, Ruby, Weiss, Blake, Dominus Ferrum, Cyber, and Enginseer Eights. This holiday sure is insane, but thank the Omnissiah that there is not servants of the Changer of Way here. That would have been the closest thing to a daemon world outside of the warp. Once Eights looked forward he saw the most unholy sight imaginable. Dozens of smashed and defiled toaster littering the hallway. The author apologizes for not giving a warning in advance about scenes with extreme amounts of gore.
The chase was stopped when a blacked robed figure jumped down from the ceiling screeching, "Nobody expects the Martian Inquisi-" That was until he face planted into the floor, his servo-skull slowly followed him down from the ceiling. Yang, Weiss, Blake ignored the floating skull and continued to run.
"Is he alive?" Ruby asked anyone is listening. All of the tech-priest reached up to her, but they were all too busy weeping over the broken toasters.
The floating skull commented, "Hopefully he is dead, then I do not have to watch over his retarded ass. He is special forces after all." Ruby was creeped out that it could talk, but she decided against staying to ask questions. Instead she used her semblance to catch up with her team. Precision managed to grab his legs after Eights dropped them to cradle the remains of the nearest toaster. Cyber replaced his rage against Ira and team RWBY to whoever is responsible for harming these blessed machines. Dominus Ferrum forgot about the backstabbing abhuman as she attempted to repair one of the many toasters lost in the line of combat.
Doctor Oobleck was forced to cancel class because he relied on Precision to teach the class, and maybe he had nothing planned but no one can prove that. Team JNPR were calmly walking to their dorms, until Ren asked, "Nora, did you assist in the prank against the Enginseer to get us out of a speech?"
"Maayyybee," replied the ginger as she tried to act innocent. Key word is tried.
Ren sighed as he explained, "Nora. It is not nice to steal people's legs. I will give you a pass because it is April Fools', but do not expect to get away scotch free next time."
"Hey, Eights came up with the idea of stealing the legs!" retorted Nora.
Jaune commented, "Speaking of the tech-priests, is that them over there crying over old toasters?" His team stopped walking and slowly turned around to see that their leader was correct in his statement. Nora noted that Precision reattached his metal legs. Pyrrha could see tears rolling down Dominus Ferrum's face, but Ren was more concerned about the floating skull glaring at the unconscious figure dressed in black and red.
"How about we continue walking and act like this did not happen?" suggested the team leader as they all slowly and quietly walked away from the confusing mess they happened upon.
Once they got around the corner Nora complained, "Precision got his legs back before I could break them."
Ren reassured her, "That is okay, you can have pancakes when we reach our dorm."
Team RWBY made it back to the safety of their dorm, to which they were surprised had been repaired to have four walls. All of them when for their beds and collapsed after their tiring work. Yang was the first to break the silence, "Hey Rubes, how were you able to escape the cyborgs when to stayed behind to check on the guy who fell from the ceiling?"
Ruby countered, "What is a kink?"
"You will find out when you get older," deflected the blonde.
The team leader explained, "For some reason all of the tech-priest started to cry over the broken toasters and ignored the black robed figure that got knocked unconscious."
"Doesn't that seem weird to any of you? They show no emotion at all to humans or Faunus, but when a worthless machine is broken they weep as if they are at a funeral." commented the heiress.
The crimson teen guessed, "Maybe it is because of their jobs? Eights told me that it is his job as a tech-priest to repair 'blessed' machines."
Blake went on a tangent, "They are a cult I tell you! They care more for robots than they do people! Did any of you listen into their public radio frequency where they read all of the names of the Faunus they have KILLED! THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT FROM HERE!" The room was tense after her rant, nobody knew what to say or they did not want to say what came to mind.
Magos Dominus stood at the altar in the chapel on his flag ship. He announced to the crowd of adepts in front of him, -I have just received news from the surface that all of the toasters sent to resupply them have been destroyed on landing. This is a dark time indeed, I order a silent time to mourn for our recently lost machine spirits for seventeen hours.-
Ideas: Thanks to Deathgrips099 for recently promoted Tech-Priest Inquisitor Cyberdong. I will take all ideas for the next special which will be for Easter.
DISCLAIMER: This chapter is NOT canon to the story, but I will make reference to the specials in future chapters that will not affect the main plot of the story. Also, no toasters were harmed in the making of this special.