Through The Ups & Downs
Couple; Harrison X Briana
Rating; Mature
Disclaimer: I do not own HTTYD or any songs I might use! In addition, from this point in the story and in future chapters, I do not own the character Ella (Eira) Solveig. She belongs to a good friend, ShadowSpirit020.
55) Better Every Day
{Harrison's POV}
[Berkville Beach; 4:45 pm]
It was now about three hours later from the moment where everyone saw Nate scold me and then force me to walk, which I did and that shocked the group around us. I was beside myself at his actions, and yet I was grateful too. I knew I would still need the wheelchair for a bit longer, but had been totally convinced to return to physical therapy after today. I never expected my little brother of all people to be the one to push me, however, it just proved the strong bond we'd always had in the past. When I first came to the beach this morning around 11:30 am and realized where we were, I wanted no part of staying. At the same time, I didn't want to ruin everyone else's fun so I dealt with it. The longer I stayed until Bryan showed up, the worse my flashbacks go and I feared having a relapse. I wasn't sold on listening to Nate's guitar song when he mentioned it after Bryan left. I had given Nate the gift before I left for Kuwait in 2016, it had originally been mine and I gave it to him because he loved it; I told him to practice hard. After hearing his song for me, I had no words to describe it.
My seventeen-year-old brother wrote a song about brothers being there for one another. How the older brother was in the military, going off to war and the younger sibling didn't want him to go. The song continued to explain how the older brother always said 'this is what brothers are for.' Now, this was a line that I always said to Nate when the situation called for it. I'd said it many times, when Nate battled cancer and learned I was his donor for bone marrow, when I shaved my head so he wouldn't have to be hairless alone. So many instances growing up that I said those six words to him, and today, Nate got to say them back to me in the best way. Nate had been right, I gave up walking because I felt like it was pointless, because I stopped believing in myself and thinking I was a failure with what happened. Yet, Nate reminded me that while I lost my leg, I did so much more for others. Why should I worry about losing a leg when I could have lost my life? Why should I care that I lost my leg when I did it to save my wife, sons, brother, family, in-laws, and friends? My town, hell, I saved the island with what I did.
No, what Nate did for me was amazing and as soon as he pushed me to walk and I did it, I started feeling better. I suppose the only way to explain it was how Nate told me that I was letting Dominic win. It was the truth, I let what Dominic did control me and everything I did. I was trying to fight a battle I'd already won, and my PTSD was that battle. The reason it got so bad was that I couldn't accept that I lost my leg to Dominic and it wasn't even him. Sure, it was Dominic's two bullets and grenade, but I lost my leg because I fought to protect the people and home I care about. If I hadn't fought and just gone with Dominic like I tricked him into believing, everyone would still be in danger because Dominic would have just killed me. I fought for a greater cause and losing my leg held me back. I focused on the wrong thing and then started doubting myself. However, I did have PTSD from other things in the past, that is why I snapped about a month ago, and tried to end my life, I just couldn't cope with it all. I was still ashamed of myself for not opening up to the others when they offered so many times to be someone I could talk to. I felt like I owed it to them to apologize.
Right now, we were just relaxing on the beach as it had been a long day for everyone. Everyone had eaten a good meal, talked, and I tried a few more times with the temporary leg, however, it wasn't built for all the time use and did get uncomfortable so I had to sit down and take it off. I would call the physical therapy office on Monday, make an appointment to get in and possibly start doing work with that to make my leg stronger, then get fitted for a permanent artificial limb. My mood was better, but I'd likely still keep up with the psychiatry appointments and anti-depressants for a while longer. I wasn't quite ready to say I was fully okay and I still had a lot to work through from the tour in Kuwait, and then the secret operations. I felt like I should explain things to them because at the moment, I felt like they assumed all my PTSD was centered on what happened with Dominic and my leg, though that was a good portion, there was more to work to work out and come to terms with.
"Harrison?" I heard Briana say to me as I looked over at her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just thinking," I admitted.
"Anything you wanna talk about, son?" Viviana questioned.
I sighed some. "Look. I wanted to apologize for how I've been towards anyone since all this happened," I motioned to my leg. "I know I've been short-tempered and a miserable thing that has everyone worried, especially since the day of the attempted suicide,"
"Harrison, it's okay. You don't have to apologize for that," Aaron said now.
"But I feel like I do and it will make me feel better if I get this out," I stated as they stayed quiet while I looked out to the line where the sky met the sea. "Nate was right. Most of my PTSD stemmed from what happened with Dominic, I kept reliving it over and over again and trying to figure out what I could have done differently to change the outcome. The truth is, I couldn't have done anything to change it without it affecting someone else and all I cared about that day was protecting my hometown, I wasn't worried about me. I gave up walking because I hated what happened to me, how much it hurt emotionally and mentally. I lost my leg, went into a three-week come, got discharged from the army. Everything just happened so fast and it felt like my life plummeted down, that I no longer had control anymore,"
"I felt utterly useless and helpless to be sitting at home every day while Bri worked and the boys were in daycare. I hated that I needed help with things I used to be able to do, I just hated it all and when I got home, everything started coming back with all the time to sit by myself. I was falling into flashbacks during the day, nightmares at night. I'd be reliving times where I saw friends die on the first tour, things I had to see while I was doing those secret missions. I started drinking hard and smoking," I heard them gasp. "Relax, I quit both while I was admitted. But that day you all showed up and I was being put in the back of an ambulance because I tried to kill myself, I just lost it that day. I felt like no matter what I did, I was going to be in everyone's way. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I felt like Bri and the boys deserved someone else, I felt like nothing would ever be the same so why not just end it," I closed my eyes.
"A lot of that decision to commit suicide likely came from the fact I was buzzed, it wasn't until after I swallowed seven of those pills with SoCo that I knocked over a picture from a couch-side table. It was the one from the day Bri gave birth to the twins and we got married, I just snapped out of what I was trying to do and called Glenn to ask for help. He told me if I needed anything, to call so I suppose that came forward when I needed help. I'm sorry that I didn't take visitors, I just…didn't want anyone to see me like that. The whole first week I had breakdowns and got a little violent with the male nurses, I didn't want to risk hurting any of you," I informed softly. "So, I just wanted to apologize for how I acted these past months after I lost my leg and you'll never know how much it means to me that none of you walked away or abandoned me. Truth is, knowing you were all still around for me is what forced me to get the phone to call Glenn for help. I'm sorry I didn't let anyone in and I promise that I'll never shut you out again. Thank you for standing by me,"
"We'll never abandon you, Harrison. Some of us might not be blood, but we're all family. We're glad you're still with us, it wouldn't be the same without you," Syrus smiled. I smiled, Gods I had the best family and friends around. I knew with them supporting and standing by me, I would beat this PTSD and depression. I was finally starting to feel like me again, and I wasn't going to let it go. Sooner or later, I would be okay again.
[9/14/2020]
I did exactly as I had planned to do. After leaving the beach that day in June, I called up the physical therapy office and made appointments for twice a week to start, and on the same days I had counseling too. I worked with my leg to make it stronger and walk on the different kinds of artificial limbs that the specialist provided me to try out. There were a few styles I liked and we were now sticking to those to practice more with and then work on getting one fitted for permanent use. Psychiatry sessions were going great, I was doing a lot better now with flashbacks and nightmares, I was down to one appointment a week and still taking the anti-depressants twice a day. Perhaps one of the best things to happen was that I didn't need the wheelchair at all, but I still used the crutches if I was going to be up for a while. I couldn't believe that in a few weeks it would be mine and Briana's three year wedding anniversary and our twin's third birthday! This year, I was taking care of everything for both events.
Briana and I have been able to make love like normal, I got over the self-conscious leg thing and honestly, the sex was amazing just as it had been before. Did I mention that Frankie and Regina were married now, they got hitched in July and were now expecting a child. Yep, Regina got pregnant on their wedding night so she was now about two months pregnant. Hailey and Trevor were engaged, Trevor popped the question in July also, on their two-year anniversary of dating. A wedding date had not yet been set, but we knew it would be winter of 2021. Andy and Addilyn were married, they got married privately at the beginning of September, just last week in fact and were now preparing to move into their new house with plans for children in the near future. Skye and Dexter finally got together, happened in August of this year and things were going good. Syrus had gotten into a relationship with Sierra, one of the girls I used to work with at Berkys.
What am I saying, I'm back to working there again. The leg I was using allowed me to work again and by the Gods I had missed doing so, especially now that I was out of the military. Berkys gave me something to do five days a week from 6 am to 3 pm, and be home by 3:30 when Bri arrived with the twins. TJ was dating too, he was with Stephanie, one of the girls who was in my old platoon. I loved that all my friends were happy in their relationships and starting to settle down, it seemed everything was working out, what I like most of all was that I felt like me. The depression was fading and the PTSD, while it would always be there, it was manageable to where I controlled my life again. Honestly, it was a great feeling because it meant things were returning to normal and I was getting better every day.