A/N: Hey, readers! Here is chapter three. I just wanted to say a couple things - one is, thank you to so many people who are reading/invested in how this story is going. I appreciate the feedback and support, always. Second - I don't have a Beta for my writing, and I would really like one, mostly to catch spelling mistakes and type-o's that I miss (because that shit drives me crazy). So if any of you reading think that you'd be down with being the Beta for my stories, please PM me her on FF and we'll figure it out. Keep an eye out for chapter 4. Enjoy!
Rating: T
Spoilers: Surrender Benson, Chasing Theo/Any episode that deals with the Tucker arc
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I sure do like to play with them!
Talisman: 3
Make up your mind/Decide to walk with me/...By my side/
I'm not gonna lie/I'll not be a gentleman/.../I'll show you my dark secret
I'm not gonna lie/I want you for mine/My blushing bride/My lover, be my lover, yeah... - from Possum Kingdom, by Toadies
Elliot was one of the few happy memories that Liv had managed to salvage from her old place. William Lewis had taken more than anyone knew, from her, and from the world she had built to that point. Now, it had been nearly six and a half years since she and Elliot had been alone in a non-work setting.
But this life - the one where she was a mother, and a Lieutenant - it was like they were meeting for the first time again, on a much more even playing field.
It made her nervous.
Noah remembered Elliot right away, and busied himself showing the man every toy in sight. Liv changed out of her work clothes, and got a snack ready for him. Then, he was finally tucked in, and by the end of a second story, had drifted to sleep.
"I owe you an apology," Liv said as she grabbed the bottle of beer El had opened for her, and sank onto the couch.
"What in the hell for?"
"I never gave you nearly enough credit for how much this takes - raising a kid, and working the job."
He smiled warmly. "Yeah, well. Try it with four more."
"Yeah, no thanks," Liv laughed. After a pause, she added, "But I wouldn't give this up for the world."
"I'm so glad, Liv," El grinned, "I always knew you'd be an amazing mother."
"Speaking of four more - tell me about yours."
"I did tell you."
"No, I mean, really tell me. What are they doing? Where are they?"
Maureen, as it turned out, would likely soon be engaged to an ambitious law student that she'd been dating for several years. She had studied economics herself, and was a policy analyst in the city. Kathleen, on the other hand, had shown little to no interest in dating since her manic episode nine years earlier. She had finished out Hudson with a degree in Psychology, choosing to work with troubled teens, and those with addictions. Olivia couldn't help but feel a flush of pride at the information - a feeling that she'd had a hand in helping Katie turn that page all those years before.
The twins were settling in and finding direction in their sophomore year, and Eli was growing up - in a markedly different home. It was not the house full of kids that his brother and sisters had shared. Eli was the only Stabler child to face the daunting task of childhood under both his parents' austere gazes - with no sibling at home to either back him up, or throw him under the bus.
"It's quiet a lot," Elliot chuckled. "Took me a long time not to be suspicious of silence anymore."
"I'll bet," Liv nodded. "It still feels strange, sometimes, not coming home to an empty apartment."
Liv told him of Munch's retirement, and Cragen's. She talked about the changes in the squad, showed El pictures of Cragen in shirts patterned with palm trees, of his Senior's Cruises and step-grandkids. But for everything they said, there was something left unsaid. Neither of them talked of William Lewis, for one. Nor did Elliot ask questions that alluded to Noah's life before Olivia.
And they didn't talk about Kathy.
"How's the P. I. life workin' for you?"
El clasped his hands together over his knees, leaning forward. "It's . . ." he shrugged, "not very rewarding," he admitted. "As much as SVU was hard, and dark . . . I much prefer working with the victims. All I'm doing now is providing fuel for the fires of angry, rich employers."
El took a long pull of his beer, swallowing hard. "To be honest, Liv, it bores the shit outta me."
"Then why do it at all?" she asked him, straightening so that they were sitting side by side, in similar positions, thighs touching.
"Because I got bored," he said, with no attempt to make it seem more complicated. He turned his head, inches from Liv's, so grateful to be looking into her dark eyes again after so much time had passed. "But I guess I'm not as good at keeping myself awake as you were," he smiled. "I dunno . . ." he lowered his voice, the familiar timbre of it giving Liv shivers, "maybe I'm just no good at jobs where you don't have my back."
"Mama?" Noah's quiet voice ended the two adults gaze as it verged on dangerous.
"Hey, Sweetie!" Liv crossed to where he was standing, hesitantly in the doorway at the head of the hall. "I'm sorry - did we wake you up? C'mon, I'll tuck you back in."
"Can El do it, Mama?"
Olivia looked at her son rather blankly for a moment, then glanced back to the couch. Elliot got to his feet with a nod. "Yeah, I can do that." He hooked the boy by the armpits and hoisted him up, letting him lean over to kiss Liv's cheek.
"Night, sweet boy." She watched the two of them go down the hall, her heart pounding, overwhelmed by emotions she had long ago tucked away.
ii.
Elliot found himself mesmerized by the boy's room as he let Noah get settled back in his bed. El had thought about just this - about Olivia, having a child, and what that might look like. About what kind of mother she would be.
Noah's room was colorful, and mostly neat for his age - though, whether that was the result of the boy's disposition or Liv's cleaning was unclear. There were quite a few drawings on the walls. "You like to draw, huh?" he said, pulling up the blankets to tuck the little one in.
"Yes," Noah said, in the bright and exaggerated way that only toddlers can.
"That's great," El smiled, "I like your pictures. You're really talented." He sat on the edge of the bed, the way he imagined Liv also did. Across from where he sat, there was another drawing. "Who's that?" El pointed. "With you and your mom?" Immediately, he felt guilty. It was a tactic - from his SVU days. It was breaking his personal rule. But he couldn't take it back.
"That's Tucker," Noah answered with a yawn. "He used to come visit Mama, before I met you." He was already starting to fall asleep again. "Are you going to keep visiting us?"
Elliot was struggling to take a deep breath. It was as though Noah had - unintentionally - punched a hole straight through his chest. "Yeah," he managed to whisper. When he turned his head, Noah was asleep.
Which he thought was just as well - because he wasn't sure that his answer wasn't just another promise that he'd end up breaking.
iii.
The walk from the end of the hall back to the living room was an eternity. What was he supposed to say? He was still married . . . technically . . . it wasn't his place to start asking questions.
But Tucker?! Edward Tucker - the IAB rat who had gone after both their careers over the years, who had sold Liv down the river!? Christ - he could have handled almost anything better than this.
Then there was no hallway left, and he crossed to the living room. Liv put down her beer and turned her head. "Hey. How'd it go? Did he give you any trouble?" She smiled, and it cut him, a bittersweet burn of pleasure-pain. For so long he'd been afraid that they would never be here, like this, again.
"No, no trouble," Elliot forced out. He leaned in the doorway, trying to calm his thoughts, arms crossed over his chest.
Liv's gaze narrowed. "You okay?"
He looked at her, plagued with the image of Tucker, kissing Liv - or worse. Clearing his throat, he came back the couch. "I'm okay," he lied, taking a desperate swig of beer as he fumbled for a segue way.
Liv, of course, wasn't buying it. "El?"
"Have you been seeing anyone?" It was out before he could really consider it.
His old partner leaned back slightly, trying to read his expression. Liv looked away when she spoke, to the coffee table. "It's been a lot of years, Elliot. I've seen people. I've ended things with people, too. Why do you ask?"
". . . Just curious," he told her, his tone carefully controlled.
"Cassidy and I had another go-round," she told him, choosing the safest territory.
For a moment, El was almost comforted by it; at least some things hadn't changed. It caused a chuckled to bubble out of him, and he unclenched. "Yeah? How is Brian? I guess not much different, considering."
"Nah, it wasn't that," Liv smiled. "He's great, we were just . . . going down different paths, is all."
It had been like this for them, for as long as they could remember. Awkward, bordering on uncomfortable between them when discussing their respective relationships. They both knew why, and had spent 12 years tight-roping a fine line together. For better or worse.
"Noah asked if I would be visiting more."
Liv took a deep breath. "Did he?" She swallowed.
"Yeah. He, uh . . . he mentioned that Tucker . . ." El met Liv's eyes, "doesn't come by anymore."
Olivia visibly paled, but couldn't look away. She swallowed again, her throat now dry, and exhaled another deep breath.
"El, I . . ." she false-started, trailed off.
"Olivia." Her name was like ice from his lips. A long pause followed. "Is it true?"
"Yes." She dropped her gaze on the one-word answer.
"Liv - " and now his voice was pained, almost pleading. "Why? How?" It wasn't How could you, but it was as close as it got outside of the movies.
Something turned over in Liv then, and she bristled. "It's been more than six years, Elliot." Her tone was harsh, her voice a gruff whisper. "Everything is different. People are different."
"Not that different!" he hissed, letting her fire spread to him. "He tried to ruin us, Liv! Both of us - Christ, nearly the whole squad over the years!"
"You're the one who hasn't changed," she shot back. "So stubborn. Not everyone stays the same, El - and unlike you, some of us are people outside the job."
"Then how is it that you still haven't learned you deserve better? Better than someone who sent you to goddamn jail?"
Her hand shot out, poking him in the chest. "And how the hell do you know what I need? Or want, huh? You haven't even been here!"
She could tell that she had cut tender flesh with that one, and she straightened her shoulders.
"Is he his? Is Tucker Noah's father?" Elliot reproached.
Olivia got to her feet.
v.
Flustered, as she always was when something personal hit too close to home, Liv looked down at Elliot with hurt, affronted eyes.
"I think you need to leave."
He stood up. "Is that a yes?"
"I'm not sure what you think gives you the right to ask anything about my son's parentage," she said tersely, "but no."
Elliot was searching her face as though trying to decide if he could believe her - but his chest had loosened at her 'no.'
"El. Please. You should go."
He recognized that tone and her stance all too well; he had seen and heard them too many times in the dozen years they'd spent in SVU - when he had fucked up, and deserved it. Like now.
Breaking their gaze, El went to the door to grab his jacket and put on his shoes. He hesitated only as he palmed the doorknob.
"Night, Liv," he told her quietly.
vi.
After he had gone, and the beer bottles were moved to the kitchen, Liv found herself in Noah's bedroom doorway, watching her son sleep. Her own breathing was still rapid, as were her thoughts.
What bothered her most, with Elliot gone, was not that he had leapt to the conclusion he had - but that his doing so spoiled the cocoon of comfort she'd been allowing herself to delight in. It had been so easy to slip back into their easy back and forth. Just like always, they spoke and interacted as though Kathy didn't exist. It was a perfect, perilous line they'd walked for years, that had many rules.
They had been master of those rules, even when they'd changed over time. But now there was her son, and the years between them to navigate. Olivia wasn't ready to play all her cards at once, and she was pissed at Elliot for expecting her too. That wasn't how their game was played - and she thought he knew that.
Even more than that, though, she was pissed that she wanted him - more than she ever had in all their previous years together.
The following morning, she awoke wetter than ever. As Liv crashed over the edge of her orgasm, she gasped his name, then tried to forget that she had let herself do so.