So now I have a guard. Who follows me everywhere. He's pretty good at giving me space, probably since I threw up on his boots that morning after having a bad reaction to the pain medication they gave me. No more drugs, I guess, just deal with it. Today we went to my garden I keep behind the cantina for Rogg. I sat awkwardly in the rough stony dirt, my leg sprawled straight out to the side as I weeded the tiny area. Rogg had mentioned once he needed some herb to make me a drink, and since I can't let something like that get in the way of my alcohol intake I decided to grow it for him. It turned into something I do to meditate, pruning and weeding in the relative silence at the edge of the forest.

"Here, sit on this." Rogg had somehow snuck up behind me. He produced a low stool and helped me onto it.

"Thanks. Gotta keep the hired help working, huh?" I smiled up at him.

He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "I'm glad you're ok. Or mostly ok."

I didn't comment. Sighing, I leaned over to test the new stool.

"I heard your boy came to see you. That means something you know," he said quietly, low enough the guard couldn't hear.

"Well, whatever it meant, I think I screwed it up." I poked furiously at a stubborn weed. "I panicked and actually ran him off."

"Ahh. Seems that means it's your move now. Thought about that?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." I threw the weed far into the woods. "Making my move would imply I knew what I wanted."

"I think you know what you want. You just have to let yourself have it. He's a good guy, Smiley. Fix it." Rogg patted my head and walked off.

A metallic thunk broke the silence of my room. It was followed by a timid knock. I hobbled on one crutch over to my door. They let me go home to my bunk, but not back to work and I was bored. I'd had lots of free mental time to berate myself over snubbing the poor Gamorrean, so I had gone back and apologized. I don't think she forgave me for thinking she was a male, but I'm pretty used to admitting when I've acted like an ass. I opened the door a crack. "Sorry ma'am, this droid has been bothering the crap out of me, it wants to see you," the guard they posted to follow me around said. BB-8 chose that opportunity to push her way past his feet and force the door open enough for her to roll in. I sighed. "It's fine, she's trustworthy." I shut the door and laid down on my bed. She rolled over to me, and I put my hand out to lay on her lower ball section. And she began to purr. Damn, I loved this little thing.

"I'm glad you guys are back, but why are you here?" I asked her. She gave a frenzied series of beeps, and I could only catch parts of it. "Poe sent you here to see if I was all right?" She gave an uncertain whine, and said "not really." I gave her a doubtful look. "He wondered, and you decided to take it as a directive, didn't you?" She beeped an ashamed "yes."

"I truly wonder what they were thinking when they programmed you," I said to her. "Where is he?"

The parts of my body that weren't injured had been hurting too. I felt guilt and shame for how I treated Poe. Being alone and bored gave me lots of time to replay that scene in my head. And he still wanted to know if I was ok. Figuring I couldn't possibly feel worse than I did now if I came clean to him how I felt, I grabbed the other crutch and made my way to the gym, droid and guard in tow.

Relieved they both agreed to stay in the lobby, I followed the loudest banging noise in the workout room. Poe was smashing a full size bag with his hands and legs, muttering to himself and sweat dripping off his body. It would have been sexy if I wasn't so overcome with guilt, knowing his anger was at me and not the bag. I stopped far enough away so I wouldn't interfere with his kicks and punches, but close enough so he could hear me.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. You should be resting." He punched the bag again, not looking at me.

"I'm sorry."

He stilled the bag, but didn't look at me. "For what?"

"For a lot of things." I took a deep breath and jumped off. "I'm sorry I turned on you at the hospital. I'm sorry I assumed you would think I was crazy for feeling up your plane. I'm so sorry I made you mad."

He backed up and slammed a fist into the bag. I jumped at the fury behind it. "You need to understand how complicated this is." He hit it again. "I have this feeling I want to protect you somehow, and watching that video of you burning made me feel the most helpless I've ever felt. And it's not that you need my protection, it's that you don't want it and you don't want me to care about you." He kicked the bag this time, and it jostled on its chain. "It hurts."

Tears started to drip down my cheeks. Why did this man make me cry? I sniffed hard. "No one has ever cared for more than a fuck or two. If I prepare myself for short term fun, it doesn't hurt. I didn't expect you would be so different." He kicked the bag again, but said nothing.

I blundered on. "Yes, you were right, I kept running away from you every time it started to get personal. I got panicky because I didn't know what to do next."

He stopped assaulting the bag and put his hands on each side of it to hold it still. Not looking at me yet, he asked, "What did I say that made you think I thought you were crazy for touching my plane?"

"Nothing. It was in my own head. Not many people know I connect that way because they've rejected me when they found out."

Poe finally looked at me. The anger in his face had been replaced by an exhausted look and he walked over to stand in front of me. "Please stop walking away from me then."

I took a deep breath. "Ok. It's really hard though, you know. You're this larger than life person, it's scary to imagine you'd want to be with me… I mean around me. I'm this little grunt that works in a hole in the ground."

Poe cupped the side of my face with a scratchy taped hand. "You know it doesn't matter to me if you're not a big deal celebrity. But you underestimate how many people give prayers of thanks when they find out you're going to be the one to fix their ride. You might be faceless to them, but they know who cares for them."

I tilted my head down in embarrassment. Praise made me feel weird, like I was about to be shoved into a spotlight naked. Poe seemed to see my discomfort and pulled my head against his chest. I relaxed against him instead of the crutches, and he softly put his arms around me. We stood silently, and I gave in. I let myself feel comforted.

Poe broke the spell, lowered his arms to my waist and firmly hugged me against him. A flash of white hot pain went through me, and I gasped. Immediately, Poe removed himself from me and stood at arms length with a horrified look.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Where did I hurt you?"

"It's gone now," I reassured him.

Not looking like he believed me, Poe kept the distance between us and stared at my face. "Why do you look worse than the last time I saw you?"

"Well, bruises look uglier as they heal, is that what you mean?"

"I know that. You do look like a purple monster. You look really tired on top of that."

It was true I could feel exhaustion over the bruising. "I haven't slept," I admitted. "It's too uncomfortable to actually fall asleep. My mind won't shut off, and my bed is so damn hard I can't lay in a spot too long before it starts to hurt."

"Come on. You can rest in my room, I don't have a roommate." I followed him without a word, and we all made our way to Poe's room, making sure to shut BB-8 out with my guard. Poor guy. The guard I mean.

I sat down on the bed and almost sobbed. It was so soft. It reminded me of when I was little and would crawl into my parents' bed, the softest and safest place I'd ever been. Dropping the crutches to the floor, I laid my head down on the pillow. I breathed in his scent from the fabric and closed my eyes. Poe came over and lifted my legs and heavy cast onto the mattress. Finally comfortable and feeling safe, I couldn't help it-I fell asleep.