So began a fairly regular meet-up at the cantina. It was sort of unspoken, but I always headed there after my shift. Sometimes Poe would be there, other times not. We traded stories about our earlier lives, he would talk about what he could remember growing up on Yavin, I tried to describe the planet I was from. While I started talking about landscapes and different types of animals that I grew up with, I slowly added in small stories about my family and neighbors. Eventually I could even talk about how much I loved and missed them. I don't know if he thought he was being subtle, but I knew what he was doing. Every discussion progressed me further along toward healing. It really was no wonder how I had never dealt with the pain, I had never once had someone close enough I felt I could trust with my feelings.

I got to know quite a bit about Poe's earlier life. He had a small worship problem when it came to his mother. He also had been a reckless kid who had incredible luck at not getting caught or getting hurt. But he didn't tell me things about his current life. This was frustrating sometimes, because as personal as we seemed to get with each other, he never steered it toward anything remotely romantic or sexual. It was as if he had zero interest in me that way, and I was falling hopelessly in love with him. My jitters from fixing his plane had faded weeks ago, but were replaced by a much more solid sense of where he came from and what drove him. But the huge gaps in his stories worried me. There were never tales about fellow squadron member interactions, nothing about his time before the Resistance when he was in the Republic military. And certainly nothing recent.

I poked my head into the cantina door and spotted Poe at the bar. I walked over and bumped shoulders with him, trying to push him off the barstool. It didn't work but all I wanted was just to get his attention.

Tonight I didn't feel like drinking. "Can we just go for a walk? It's really warm and clear tonight," I asked him.

"Sure." Poe waved at Rogg and we headed to the path that had been worn around the edge of the runways. "Ready to talk to me about flying?"

"Ugh, you're like a therapist," I groaned. "Yeah, I guess so." I took a deep breath. "I learned when I was a teenager. I never got to sit in a plane until then, unlike you." I stuck my tongue out at him playfully. "I hung around the airport by my house so much the guys there kind of adopted me. My dad taught me a lot about machines but these guys taught me aircraft repair. I think they were excited someone young was interested in planes so I got a lot of attention. Eventually they started giving me rides and letting me take the controls. I got pretty good," I said proudly. "But you want to know other stuff, I know." I hesitated, not sure what to tell him or where to start.

"I love the feel on takeoff. I love seeing how small things are below. I loved how I could make my sister laugh. I would take her up with me and do barrel rolls, and she would scream and giggle and make me do it over and over." I crossed my arms in front of me. "After they died I didn't have any chances to fly again. And here I just fix things. I'm better at repair than piloting so that became my job. I'm annoyed at some of you pilots, and some I'm in awe of. But I know that I share that love of the sky with all of you, and I'll always feel that connection." We stopped walking and looked up at the stars.

"It's not often I get to see the sky as beautiful anymore," Poe commented. "If I head up there it's usually to fight someone. Maybe someday that will change."

We stared at each other in the dark. His eyes sparkled as they caught some of the light from the buildings. I wanted to stare at him forever like that. And I did for a long time. We didn't speak, he didn't look away. But he never reached out to touch me. Who was I to criticize that? I didn't reach out either. It was enough for now.

BB-8 made her way up and down the rows of my garden. I could hear her little beeps as she fried the weeds with little jolts of electricity. This turned out to be her favorite way to help me, and I'm not sure why she seemed to get so much joy out of killing something. But it did make me feel better to know she felt remorse, because I occasionally heard a sorrowful whine when she accidentally killed a plant she shouldn't have. I straightened my back and stretched in an arc backwards to make it crack. It wasn't the ideal day to be out weeding. It was unbearably hot, and I had stripped down to a sports bra and rolled up the legs of my cargo pants to my knees. I even removed my boots, which turned out to be really enjoyable as my toes cooled themselves in the dirt.

"What are you making my droid do?" I heard from the edge of the garden. BB-8 squealed and rolled quickly towards Poe, who knelt and rubbed her belly with just as much glee.

"I make that droid do nothing, which you should already know. She does what she wants. And you'd better watch her, she's getting too excited about killing things." I smiled and walked over to him. "Nice to see you in one piece," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist.

Poe leaned his head down and kissed the top of my head. This was as affectionate as he ever got. "Yeah, me too."

I went to pull away from him and slid my hands across his back. I felt a small line of puffiness and stroked it with my finger, automatically trying to determine its cause the same way I had felt his scars in that dark meeting room long ago. The shock of emotion I felt took my breath away, and I felt punched in the gut. It must have shown on my face, because Poe quickly pulled out of my arms.

"Shit Kasey, I'm sorry you had to feel that."

I clamped down my pain. He could do whatever he wanted, we were just friends, remember? But the erotic passion in that scratch was choking me, and I couldn't speak. I turned around and went back to weeding as he stood there silently, not knowing what to say either.

When I had control again, I tried to talk. "You know Poe, I know your past life as well as my own now, but you should share some things about your life that are happening. Yes, a lot is classified, and I'm not asking for that." I still couldn't look at him. "I share everything with you because you're the closest friend I have. When you don't reciprocate, it's hard for me to know where I stand in your life. It's not fair to me." I paused, intending to keep ranting but I ran out of steam.

Poe sat down in the dirt row facing me as I continued to work. He did a lot of sighing, but I waited. "I don't know what to say to you about my life when I leave here. You feel like family to me, and it has become something I rely on to ground me when I return from stressful missions. I'm not the same person when I'm out there, I kill people and lie to them. I don't want you to see that part of me."

"You weren't killing HER."

"No."

"Were you lying to her?"

"No."

"Then explain."

He swallowed hard. "She was my contact. We had barely survived an op, and needed to… share the relief of being alive. And before you ask, because I know you will, yes, there have been others. Not for the same reason but it was still just sex."

I sat silent and still. The only sound was BB-8 zapping away at weeds. I was starting to feel numb, and it was actually a relief. "Ok. This has been a revelation. And I'm glad you explained it to me. I want to know you Poe. I care about what goes on in that head of yours. I don't care that you cope by turning into someone different when you have to… complete a mission. I've separated my mind from what I had to do too, at certain times of my life."

He leaned over and picked a weed. "I do what's needed to get the job done. It's not always pretty… or moral. I love you Kasey, and I don't want to jeopardize what we have by having meaningless sex with you, or showing you what a terrible person I can be."

I looked straight at him. My feelings were hurt, and he was frustrating. "Then don't just let it be meaningless sex."

He didn't respond. Just when I was about to give up, he answered in a tired, defeated tone. "I don't know if I'm capable of doing that anymore." Then he stood up and left the garden.

"That went well, Kasey," I told myself sarcastically out loud.