AN: Sorry for the long span of silence. I had to make sure I knew where I was taking us. And of course, life and writer's block didn't help. But I think it's time to jump back on this merry-go-round. Now which button do I push to make this go...

I stopped pulling weeds and sat staring into space. My head bent down and I braced it with both hands, the gravity of what just happened hitting me. I felt like there was a huge weight on me, and I just couldn't hold myself up. Suddenly BB-8 was there between my knees. She had rolled silently down the rows and stopped with her head to the side. I put my arms around her ball and laid my head against her cool metal. She didn't purr, but sat there silently and let me hold on.

I was concentrating so hard on BB-8 I didn't hear him. Warm arms surrounded me and placed their hands on the droid over mine. Poe kneeled behind me and enclosed me between his body and the droid. He buried his face on my neck, and we all just sat together silently. I was filled with sadness and pain, almost made worse because he was not being an asshole about the whole thing.

He lifted his face slightly. "I'm sorry Kasey. I'm trying so hard not to hurt you. Maybe how I've been doing it isn't the right way. But I thought it was. Getting stuck with a pilot, especially one like me, is emotionally hard and a lot of times unfair. I've done it before and watched others go through the same pain. And I will do anything for this Resistance. That's a lot to expect someone to accept in a relationship."

I kept my cheek on the ball. "You need to trust me to know what I can handle."

"I'll have to work on that." He gave me a final squeeze and a kiss in my hair, then left again. I released BB-8 and she followed him.

"Stupid truck!" I growled as I hit the brake caliper with the sledgehammer. The best way for me to get out some rage was to do it physically, and since I knew this truck was going to piss me off anyway, I decided to fix it today. The entire thing was encrusted with rust, and not a single part would come loose. I started with the rear brakes, and as I expected, when the wheel came off the whole mechanism was frozen with rust. Perfect. I leaned back to build some momentum as I swung the hammer. Metal hit metal, and nothing moved. Again and again, I battered the part without budging it, but I didn't stop. Swearing loudly with each swing, I finally attracted the attention of my boss. He silently got behind me and grabbed the hammer as I was about to take another whack.

"Okaaaay, maybe we should try another tactic," he said cautiously. "How about you take a break and deal with this one later?"

"Fine," I said dejectedly.

He sighed and shook his head. "Smiley, I've been married for over 30 years, and when they say 'Hell hath no fury like a woman' it's always because a man has done something. Now I don't want to know anything about your personal life, but everyone in this building can hear you and we can all tell you're pissed. We know Poe is the only personal friend you have, but unless you want everyone to know you two are having problems you'd better try to be a little quieter."

Shit.

I hung my head. "I'm sorry. I'll go find something quieter to work on." I headed for my workbench and he left the bay, taking the hammer with him.

I'd been thinking for a while I needed to repair Ayla's droid, and I was suddenly overcome with the need to have a friend. It was going to be emotionally hard, but the familiarity this little thing would have was something I suddenly craved. I set her broken frame on the bench and started carefully taking apart the casing. The violence she had experienced was emanating strongly into my fingers, and I became determined to restore her. Just as my shift was about to end, I got one tiny light to glow inside her. That little response gave me so much hope.

That night after work I sat alone with Rogg at the bar. It didn't take long for him to ask what was wrong.

"I'm not sure, Rogg," I said as I downed my third drink. "There is some kind of problem in his head when it comes to real intimacy. And he thinks he's a terrible person when he's working out there. Who knows, maybe he is."

Rogg stood thoughtfully drying a glass. "A few guys deal with their guilt with alcohol. Some just act out like assholes. A lot just keep quiet and bury it down inside them. Poe is one of those. You think you want him to open up to you, but I don't think you'll be able to accept what you find. I also don't think he will let you know anyway."

I rolled that around in my head with the alcohol. "I deal with my horrible memories with booze, don't I Rogg?"

"Yes you do," he answered. "And tonight you've had enough to numb you to sleep. Go to bed. Poe will come back to you eventually."

I woke the next day with a slight hangover. Not too bad, but I felt like doing absolutely nothing. I wandered to the flight line to watch stuff fly away. Most days were quiet, but today there was a lot of activity so it was something interesting to watch. Just hearing the power in some of those engines gave me a rush. I hadn't been off D'qar in over a year and I felt the yearning to fly again. It became strong enough it almost hurt, so of course I pounced on that depressing feeling and helped it expand. Just when I began to feel tears at the corner of my eyes, the tone of activity around me changed. They were clearing stuff off the landing areas quickly. Someone was coming in.

Three X-wing squadrons screamed down from the sky. My eyes scrutinized them as they landed. Some were in bad shape. I watched the pilots get out, and tried to decipher their moods. Nobody was happy looking, the majority looked tired, and a few I could tell were pretty shook up. I focused on their planes instead. Waiting until those particular pilots had walked away, I casually walked around their X-wing. As my hands slid down the wing I trembled. There was so much fear and adrenaline still vibrating through it. I laid my palm on a scorch mark and felt a sharp spike of desperation. This guy had all but given up on surviving this trip. He was lucky. But he would have to go out again. And somehow control the memory of that fear or he might not come back next time.

I watched the last ship land. Beautiful Black One hovered perfectly down, not a scratch on her. I watched Poe climb down the ladder and BB-8 ejected herself. She quickly rolled away, probably to debrief with the other droids. Poe remained and did a walk-around his plane, checking for damage. When he finished, he picked up his helmet and confidently followed the same path as the droid. I studied his face, or what I could see from this distance. It was a mixture of anger, some kind of intense emotion I couldn't put a finger on, and the same closed-off look so many of the other pilots had. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now I could tell, and probably especially not me. I stood still hoping I wouldn't be noticed.

When I was sure he was gone, I went over to Black One. I didn't touch her, but I didn't have to. The heat still emanating from her guns was hotter than I had ever imagined. No one else I had walked near was so hot. She had fired more than her share, which meant one major thing. A lot of beings had died at Poe's hands today.

Later when I got off work I went to the cantina. Rogg motioned me over and leaned down. "He was here for a minute. He just left." I knew what he meant and quickly headed to the paths that ran in front of his room. I was lucky. He was just opening his door when I ran up.

"Hey," I tried to say casually, but of course it came out breathless and high pitched because I was out of breath. He turned and gave me a weird look. Since I couldn't tell what it meant I decided to ignore it. "Want to take a walk with me?" I asked.

He nodded wordlessly and we took off onto one of the trails that went slightly into the trees. It was dark but there was enough light from the base to keep us from tripping. "I saw you come back today," I started.

"Hmmm," was all he responded with.

"Black One was hot. You had a lot of action this time." I was trying to tread carefully.

"Yeah."

I could tell now that he hadn't dealt with whatever he had done on this last trip. It was still with him. "You're my best friend," I said quietly. "I want to be there for you like you've done for me." Poe stopped and looked at me with tired haunted eyes. Not saying a word, he put his arms around me. I held him tightly and pushed his head into the crook of my neck, stroking his hair. Poe tightened his hold around me and we stood there for a long time. He never explained and didn't ever break down. But some kind of bridge or thread had been made between us. He was letting me see his emotions from something current in his life, where before he had avoided it at all costs. It was a start.