*in the kitchen the following morning*
Dudley: MUM! I want my Frosted Coco Flakes.
Petunia: Sorry Dudders, but that bitch nurse said you were getting too big.
Dudley: I AM NOT TOO BIG!
Harry: *just arriving* Yeah, according to Gabriel Iglesias, you're only at DAMN! You can still get to AWW HELL NO!
Dudley: MUM! He's pretending I'm fat again.
Harry: I've seen you eat an entire calf. I couldn't make shit like that up if I wanted to.
Petunia: Harry, you know he needs his protein.
Harry: There is a HUGE difference between getting protein, and eating a small cow. Speaking of huge…
Vernon: *walking into the room* ARE YOU MOCKING MY BOY FOR BEING FAT AGAIN?!
Dudley: He is daddy.
Harry: Just pointing out that being at risk of heart failure before adulthood is not a good life goal.
Vernon: Right, I only understood about six of those words…
Harry: Congratulations, you're slowly learning.
Vernon: …but you called my son fat. And I'm bigger than him, so that would mean I'm fat. Do you think I'm fat, boy?
Harry: People are sick of you blocking Route 12.
Vernon: Watch it boy, or I'll…
Harry: …have to explain to my serial killer godfather why I suddenly stopped writing?
Vernon: *continues glaring at Harry* Honey, what's for breakfast?
Petunia: Grapefruit *puts a plate in front of each person*
Vernon: Oh, I, uh…think I hear the postman coming *leaves the table*
Harry: Hey Dudley, I reckon you can't eat the entire grapefruit by yourself.
Dudley: Bullshit I can't *starts eating Vernon's portion*
Vernon: HARRY! Get in here.
Harry: And get out of this shitty breakfast? Okay.
Petunia: HEY! You get back here and eat your shitty breakfast, then let your uncle beat you half to… *realises what she was saying* I mean, yes, go see what your uncle wants *turns to face her breakfast, only to see it's gone* What the…
Dudley: *eating Petunia's piece of grapefruit* What was I supposed to do? Harry challenged me.
Petunia: Yes, but you don't need to also eat the silverware.
Dudley: Where else am I supposed to get my iron?
Petunia: Just stop eating the table, Duddums.
Dudley: But that's my recommended daily sodium intake *Petunia just tries to ignore how stupid this is*
*meanwhile, in the living room*
Vernon: So, boy.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, I know. I did something wrong. I'm not sure what, but I did it. Just blame me for it so I can threaten you with a Sirius letter so we can all move on with our day.
Vernon: It wasn't you this time.
Harry: Oh, so whatever it was is Dudley's fault, but I'm getting the blame for…
Vernon: MY SON HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG!
Harry: Tell that to the elderly man looking for his puppet son that he swallowed.
Vernon: *glares at him, then pulls out a letter* You see this?
Harry: Yes.
Vernon: Do you know what it is?
Harry: Wow, don't tell me you've reverted back to kindergarten level of intelligence.
Vernon: IT'S A LETTER! From one of your freak friends.
Harry: They're called wizards.
Vernon: Look kid, you've already taken away my right to discipline you…
Harry: Funny word for child abuse, but whatever.
Vernon: …please don't take away my right the insult your people.
Harry: Really? After thirteen years of neglect, I finally have a way to get my own back, and you expect me not to use it?
Vernon: There's a good lad. Now, about the letter, it's from a 'Molly Weasel'.
Harry: Weasley.
Vernon: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
Harry: Hey, I can always go back to checking how strong your orbit is.
Vernon: *glares at him again* Anyway, she says she wants to take you away from us for the rest of the summer, and take you to see something called a Quidditch World Cup...
Harry: Great, seeya.
Vernon: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! While this is a tempting offer, this also makes me think you'll have fun, which goes against my basic instincts…
Harry: Please do not re-enact that scene when saying that.
Vernon: *placing his right leg over his left leg after having them open wide* So I'm inclined to say no to this offer, on account of…
Harry: It's okay, I didn't want to go hang around with other wizards and go to a once in a lifetime sporting event.
Vernon: *immediately suspicious* You're trying to do that reverse psychology bullshit, aren't you?
Harry: What? On you? No, you're way too smart to fall for that.
Vernon: Why thank y…wait a minute… *Vernon freezes, clearly thinking*
Harry: Umm…Uncle Vernon? *waves a hand in front of his face*
Vernon: I'm thinking *still frozen* If I let you go, you'll be with your own kind and have fun. But that's the very thing I want to avoid. But if I do that, you'll tell that serial rapist…
Harry: Serial killer.
Vernon: …godfather of yours, which will be bad for us…hmm…
Harry: Can I just go already? We both know I need to in order for the plot to progress.
Vernon: I'm still thinking.
Harry: Whatever *heads upstairs to his room, where he's immediately confronted by a strange bird* What the hell? *sees what it is* Oh, it's Ron's owl *takes letter from it* "Dear Harry, Dad got tickets for the World Cup. Then he found out he accidentally got tickets to the Muggle World Cup that ended a month ago, so he transfigured them into Quidditch tickets. Whether those are real seats that aren't already occupied remains to be seen. Anyway, we're going to kidnap you tomorrow, so be prepared for that." Why am I not surprised? "Well, see you tomorrow. Oh, and if you write to Sirius, tell him he can either get me a new rat, or I'm keeping his bird, so stop sending me anthrax through the mail." HA! No. *starts packing his things, including a secret stash of junk food under a loose floorboard*
Dudley: I JUST HEARD CAKE!
Harry: Uh…the cake truck just went past. Can't you hear the music?
Dudley: HERE I COME CAKE! *loud crash as he runs through a wall after it*
Cake Truck Driver: OH NO, it's him again.
Dudley: GIMME! *swallows truck in one gulp*
Harry: I never knew his mouth could unhinge like a snake. Well, seeya.
Author's note: Hey guys, just wanted to let you know I appeared in an Abridged series on YouTube…as a background extra on my brother's channel. If you feel like checking it out, it's IAmPzykosiz's Accelerated MINT, Episode 4. Or not, I don't give a shit.