Harry: Alright, my trunk's packed, Hedwig knows to meet me at The Burrow, and I'm getting out of this shithole for the rest of summer. Unfortunately, it means I have to be with Ron for a few weeks, but better that than being here.
Dudley: You better send me candy while you're gone.
Harry: Now why the fuck would I do that?
Dudley: MUM! Harry won't send me candy.
Petunia: Harry, send your cousin candy while you're gone.
Harry: And break the diet that we've all definitely been following?
Petunia: Don't make it sound like I was contradicting myself. I'll tell your uncle.
Harry: I'm not sure that will do anything *points to Vernon, still frozen in place, thinking*
Petunia: And as soon as he snaps out of it, you'll be in deep sh… *loud bang from the fireplace* …Harry, what the fuck was that?
Harry: If I had to guess, I'd say that the Weasleys are here using the Floo Network, but since our fireplace is blocked up…
Arthur: What the hell? There should be a fireplace here *another loud bang*
Ron: What if they don't have a fireplace, and now we're stuck in purgatory? *another loud bang*
Fred: Not likely, Floo Powder works using the same magic Santa used to use.
Ron: What do you mean "used to"?
Arthur: Yeah, what he said *another loud bang*
George: Fred, we agreed not to tell them yet.
Ron: Tell us what?
Fred: Nothing…actually, should I tell them about the pipe bomb we planted in here for the purposes of escaping a sealed off fireplace?
George: We should.
Arthur: When did you…
George: We're us, what did you… *explosion, blowing the fireplace covering off the wall and destroying half the living room*
Petunia: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LIVING ROOM?!
Harry: Hey guys, what's up?
Petunia: Harry, don't act like this is a casual act of vandalism.
Harry: The house is still standing. For Fred and George, that IS casual.
Fred: Hey Harry, where's your stuff?
Harry: Upstairs in my room.
George: The one you were imprisoned in? I remember where that is from when we rescued…
Petunia: Kidnapped.
George: …you a couple of years back *leaves to get Harry's stuff*
Fred: So Harry, who's the fat kid pretending he can hide behind his mother? Is that your cousin?
Harry: It is. And before you ask, I don't officially condone whatever you're planning to do, but I sure as hell am not going to stop it.
Fred: What makes you think I'm planning anything? *sees Harry just staring at him* …good point.
Petunia: I swear to God if you hurt my little Dudders…
Fred: Hmm… *sees George enter the room with Harry's stuff* Okay, I won't hurt your precious child.
George: *accidentally dropping some toffees* Oops, how clumsy of me. Well, they've been on the floor now, I guess they're no good.
Dudley: GIMME! *sucks up the toffees on the floor like a vacuum cleaner*
Arthur: Well, we've got Harry, guess we better be going…
Petunia: Wait a damn minute, my husband still hasn't said yes to this *points to Vernon, still frozen and thinking*
Arthur: Sorry, but I'm afraid we must be off. You see, my wife doesn't know we're doing this…
Ron: Dad, she's the one who suggested it.
Arthur: She already knows? Shit, everyone, back in the fireplace, quick.
Ron: Off I go *gets into fireplace, vanishes in puff of green smoke*
George: See you at The Burrow, Harry *carries Harry's stuff into the fireplace*
Harry: Guess I better be… *sees Dudley choking on the floor* Ah, there's what you did.
Petunia: YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T HURT MY BABY!
Fred: Indeed I did. George, on the other hand, made no such promise *gets into fireplace*
Harry: I love their loopholes.
Arthur: This looks bad. Well, gotta go *apparates out of there*
Harry: Like he said, later bitches *gets into fireplace and disappears*
Vernon: *suddenly waking up from his extended thinking period* Okay, I've come to the decision that… *sees destroyed room and Dudley choking* WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!