Harry: *crashing to the floor in the Weasley's kitchen* Wait, did Kieran just kill off Dudley?
Ron: Don't worry, I'm sure it will be comically handwaved by the time we get to the next one.
Harry: Ron, why didn't you move off the floor before I got… *feels something* Oh, that why.
Arthur: Now remember boys, we don't tell your mother about that.
Molly: Tell me what, exactly?
Arthur: SHE KNOWS! RUN BOYS! *dives out a nearby window*
Molly: *turning to face Fred and George* What did you do this time?
Fred: Why do you assume it was us? *Molly just stares at him* Okay, that's a good point.
George: Look, he only ate ONE toffee…I think. For his sake I hope he did.
Harry: What was the deal with those anyway? Did you, like, charm them or something?
Fred: Nope, they're our own design.
George: Introducing Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, coming soon to a school near you.
Ron: They're hoping to make money off it.
Harry: How's that going for you?
Fred: Not bad, but it would help if we had a small loan of one million galleons to help fund our research.
Arthur: *coming back into the kitchen* Okay, let me go get my chequebook.
Molly: Arthur, you will do no such thing.
Arthur: HOLY CRAP SHE'S STILL HERE! *runs to the living room and dives out the window*
Molly: Boys, what have I told you about this?
George: That going into business is a very dangerous risk, especially when we have no idea how it works?
Molly: No, I told you not to.
Fred: Come on mum, Ever since Gambol and Japes mysteriously burned down a couple of years back…
Harry: You charmed the fireworks into having a battle royale.
George: The joke industry has been dying. We could be the ones to bring it back.
Molly: So your ambition in life is to run a joke shop?
Fred: See, now she gets it.
Molly: You're clearly got some talent with charms. Why not aim a little higher?
George: You're right, we need to franchise this shit. First Diagon Alley, then Hogsmeade…
Molly: THAT'S NOT WHAT I…
Fred: Thanks for believing in us mum *leaves with George*
Molly: I swear, those boys…
?: *entering with another unknown person* I wouldn't worry about it mum. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
?: They turn out like you, you bloody dragon molester.
Harry: From the red hair, I take it you guys are Bill and Charlie?
Bill: I'd like to make it very clear, I'm Bill. Don't want you to think I'm the one who fucks dragons for a living.
Molly: BILL! How many times do I have to tell you? Charlie STUDIES dragons.
Bill: By seeing how they react to his penis.
Charlie: He's not wrong.
Molly: For God's sake Charlie, I want to believe that's not true. Please let me believe it isn't. The twins have already brought enough shame on the family.
Charlie: Just accept that I'm a Scalie mum. It's completely normal.
Molly: Don't worry dear, it's just a phase. You'll grow out of it.
Harry: Pretty sure it's actually a mental sickness.
Hermione: *coming down the stairs* Hi Harry.
Harry: And you're here too apparently. How many tickets did your dad get anyway?
Ron: Ten. Mum's going to pick up our school stuff tomorrow instead.
Molly: Well, someone's got to. Plus, I'm about 90% sure Arthur's going to get you all arrested for having fake tickets, so I figure one of us has to stay home to bail the rest of you out.
Arthur: Don't worry dear, I have a plan for that.
Molly: Is it even more illegal than the forged tickets?
Arthur: Err… *runs upstairs and dives out one of the windows*
Molly: Sooner or later he'll run out of windows.
Ron: Come on Harry, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping.
Harry: I already have a pretty good idea.
*on their way upstairs*
Ginny: *thoughts* Harry's here. I need to act natural, so that maybe I can convince him to allow me to conceive the first of my spawn *out loud* Hey Harry, you hear about that thing in Christchurch? What I really like about that guy is…
Harry: NO! Not another word out of you. I refuse to let you get this account banned.
Ginny: …I was going to say that he's in jail *thoughts* Damn it, knew I should have gone with Cardinal Pell.
Harry: Oh…maybe you're not as evil as I thought *leaves with Ron*
Ginny: Well, it's progress.
*in Ron's room*
Ron: So, have you heard from Sirius?
Harry: Yeah, he wants his owl back.
Ron: Yeah, still not gonna happen. Unless he gets me my rat back.
Hermione: You realise your rat was a traitor and, more importantly, a human and not a rat in the first place, right? And that keeping that owl is stealing?
Harry: Is it really stealing when you steal from a thief?
Ron: Exactly. He probably stole it first, so I'm just stealing it back.
Hermione: Shouldn't you then return it to the original owners?
Ron: I thought stealing it back from a thief made me the original owner?
Hermione: I…wait, what…
Harry: Don't bother Hermione. It makes sense to him, and that's all that'll matter to him.
Ron: Exactly, let's see how dinner's going *starts heads downstairs*
Percy: *poking his head out of his room* Hey, anyone wanna hear about my report on cauldron thickness?
Harry: Wow, that sounds absolutely horrible. Goodbye.
Percy: Sure, they laugh now, but some day I'll show them. I'll show them all.
*outside*
Harry: …what did we just walk into?
Ginny: Bill and Charlie always like to duel like this.
Harry: By transfiguring the furniture?
George: At this point it's a Weasley family tradition.
Bill: It's over Charlie, I have the highchair.
Charlie: You underestimate my power.
Bill: Don't try it *Charlie tries to attack with a table, which immediately gets trashed* You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Scalies, not join them. It was you who would bring balance to the kinks, not leave it in darkness.
Charlie: I hate you!
Bill: You were my brother, Charlie. I loved you.
Molly: Would you two stop it? You're not even quoting a good Star Wars movie.
Harry: At least it's the best one of the prequels.
*during dinner*
Percy: So, who wants to hear how my report is…
The other ten people at the table: NO!
Percy: No-one ever wants to hear about my work.
Fred: Oh, gee, wonder why?
George: Could it have anything to do with it sucking?
Percy: Hey, not all of it sucks. In fact, Mr. Crouch has entrusted me with organising a secret event for your school this year.
Fred: You know you're not going to tempt us into asking about the Cauldron Exhibition, right?
Percy: That's…not what I meant *aside* Note to self, come up with another thing for the school year.
Arthur: By the way, have you heard what happened to Bertha Jorkins?
Percy: Yeah, she's been MIA for a month. She probably just forgot she works for the British Ministry of Magic and keeps trying to find her way into the Albanian Ministry.
Harry: *thoughts* Why is that name familiar, and why do I feel like not remembering where I heard it is going to bite me in the ass? *out loud* So, who's even playing in the World Cup?
George: Ireland and Bulgaria. We're supporting Ireland because they're the only UK based team left in the Cup.
Hermione: Ireland's not even in the UK.
Fred: Quiet you.
Harry: So, what happened to the others?
George: England got annihilated by Transylvania, Scotland was taken down by Luxembourg, and Wales was beaten by Uganda.
Harry: Wow, I don't remember seeing most of those in the Quidditch World Cup game. And I'm pretty sure one of those isn't even a country.
Hermione: Well, if you want to get technical…
Harry: Quiet you.