Harry: …CK! *lands very roughly with Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Fred, and George*
Arthur: What are you guys complaining about? *casually floats to the ground with Amos and Cedric*
Fred: Could you warn us next time it's going to be that rough?
Arthur: I thought you knew.
George: You know we've never travelled by portkey before.
Arthur: Why would I know that?
Ron: You're our father.
Arthur: I have kids?
Hermione: Sir, more than half of them are here right now.
Arthur: Oh, right… *turns to Cedric* Are you one of them?
Harry: Okay, that's enough stupidity for one day *sees his arm had landed across Ginny's chest and quickly removes it* Oops, sorry.
Ginny: Oh, I don't mind.
Harry: I know. That's the problem *starts leaving with the others*
Ginny: Damn, he still thinks…knows I'm evil *follows them to a wizard wearing a poncho and a kilt*
Basil: Alright, you're the guys from Stoatshead Hill? Weasley and Diggory? Alright, here's where your campsites are.
Arthur: Thanks Basil.
?: What about me?
Amos: Who cares? You don't even get a name.
Cedric: Then why does Basil get a name?
Amos: Boy, do not acknowledge the background characters. You'll never become a main character that way.
Harry: Don't worry, I'm sure there was a good reason you guys came up just now. Guess we'll just have to see what happens.
Basil: You don't need to keep the portkey Arthur. We can dispose of it.
Arthur: I was gonna keep it as a souvenir.
Basil: Whatever. Fucking weirdo.
Cedric: Guess I'll see you guys at Hogwarts.
Fred: Hope not.
George: That way Harry can crush Hufflepuff this year.
Harry: Guys, chill. It's not his fault that dementors are assholes.
Fred: But it IS his fault for winning.
Harry: Which is what he's supposed to do.
George: SHUT UP AND LET US BE ANGRY AT HIM!
*later, approaching the campsite*
Roberts: You another one of those weirdos that booked a spot in advance?
Arthur: Indeed I am.
Roberts: Even though most folks just turn up and set up camp?
Arthur: …yes.
Roberts: Whatever, you cultists just do what makes you happy, as long as I get paid I don't care.
Ginny: We're not cultists, we're Satanists.
Roberts: Money's money. Besides, what's the difference?
Ginny: This *glares at Roberts house, which catches fire*
Roberts: HOLY CRAP, my wife and kids are in there *runs back towards his house*
Harry: Do you ever feel any guilt for this kind of thing?
Ginny: Should I?
Harry: That's what I thought.
Ginny: Huh? Oh, you were asking me something? I was questioning whether I should Obliviate that guy's memory once he's in his burning house, making him forget why he went in there in the first place.
Harry: Please don't.
Ginny: *as the guy entered his house* OBLIVIATE!
Roberts: Huh, why was I in here again? Guess I better stay here until I remember.
Ginny: Sorry, were you asking something?
Harry: Never mind.
*at the campsite*
Arthur: Here we are.
Harry: Why did that muggle make our spot so small when we have such a large group?
Ron: Because Muggles aren't as smart as us?
Harry: …I mean, I can't object to that. Hermione on the other hand…
Hermione: My parents are in the medical industry.
Ron: Yeah, but they're dentists in England, so they can't be that smart.
Ginny: Hey dad, I'll start the fire for us.
Arthur: No, no, we need to do it like muggles do.
Harry: Why? The only muggles around for miles just came down with a nasty case of 'killed by your daughter'.
Arthur: That's so sad. Is there a cure?
Harry: Not unless true necromancy becomes a thing in this universe.
Ginny: Seriously, I got this. All I gotta do is *Ginny blinks, and suddenly half the nearby woods are ablaze* Oops, overdid it a little. Oh well.
Hermione: There weren't people in there, were there?
Ginny: I'm sure they'll forgive me. You can even hear them.
Harry: That's the sound of people screaming.
Ginny: That's the sound of forgiveness. Screams, then silence.
Arthur: Well, we're still gonna need to put out that fire. Harry, Ron, Hermione, take this bucket and get some water from that tap at the far side of the campground.
Harry: This is a shot glass.
Arthur: Same difference.
Hermione: You know, the Aguamenti charm should be sufficient to…
Arthur: No, no, we need to do this like muggles.
Harry: WHY?! There are no muggles anywhere. The ministry have charmed this place to get rid of them. Hell, us putting out a fire with wands would be the LEAST weird thing they'd see even if they were here *points at a tent with a chimney, a tent that looked like a two-storey Victorian-era house, and a tent with solar panels on the roof*
Hermione: He's right, that last one's especially ineffective in England, even in our summer.
Arthur: Just because they're showing off doesn't mean we have to. Now, off you go.
Harry: Fred, George, back us up.
Fred: Sorry, but we have contraband to sell.
Ron: I thought mum confiscated it all.
George: That's why we smuggled some away in our…
Harry: I don't even want to know.
Fred: By the way Ron, we're gonna need the stuff we smuggled out in you too.
Ron: You told me that was Harry in there.
George: We said a lot of things. Now, give it back.
*later*
Ron: Look Harry, all I'm saying is…
Harry: Still not gonna happen.
Seamus: Hey guys, guess what?
Harry: You already broke your dick?
Seamus: No. Well, I mean I did, but also…
Harry: Don't care, you were only mentioned for the sake of a pointless cameo.
Oliver: Then what about…
Harry: You too.
*at the water tap*
Hermione: Does that guy know he's wearing women's clothes?
Harry: Probably not.
Guy in women's clothes: What's wrong with it? They told me to dress like a muggle to avoid drawing their suspicions…
Harry: Not that anyone's doing that.
Guy in women's clothes: …and when I found out that muggles actually have something called a dress, I grabbed one immediately.
Hermione: Except…that's a dominatrix's outfit. Complete with cat o' nine tails.
Guy in women's clothes: *cracks whip* Same difference *collects water and leaves*
Harry: Seriously though, do wizards not know how to act in front of muggles?
Hermione: Well, Ron certainly doesn't.
Harry: Him grabbing my butt is not a weird occurrence, regardless of the audience.
Ron: Of course not, because we're in lo…
Harry: Finish that word, and I'll force feed you Polyjuice Potion so that you look like me and send you to the Dursleys.
Ron: Are you saying you want your DNA inside me?
Harry: …crap, I need a new punishment.
Hermione: Hey, what's that?
Ron: Probably the Irish tents. That's why they're covered in shamrock.
Harry: But why go to the effort of growing shamrock, even magically? What's wrong with an Irish flag or something?
Ron: Pfft, boring.
Harry: Whatever. I'm guessing the Bulgarians are doing the same thing with roses?
Ron: Why would they do that? *points at Bulgarian tents, which have a moving picture of someone*
Harry: Who the fuck is that?
Ron: Why, that's Viktor Krum, the Bulgarian Seeker. How could you not know that?
Harry: By being out of contact with the wizarding world for the last two months.
Ron: The man's a genius. I so hope we get to meet him.
Harry: So do I. Maybe you'll start stalking him instead of me.
Ron: Oh Harry, you know you'll always be my number one.
Harry: Guess it was a little much to hope for.
Cho: Hi Harry.
Harry: Uh, hi? *despite standing still, the bucket suddenly bumps forward* I'm still into Asians, apparently.
Ron: What about redheads?
Harry: Oh yeah, like that'll ever happen.
*later, at the tent*
Charlie: *appearing with Bill and Percy* What's going on? It looks like when that dragon got loose in Paris the other day.
Bill: Should have known you had something to do with that.
Charlie: How were we supposed to know it wouldn't like bondage gear?
Percy: It? As in you don't even care if it's male or female?
Charlie: Dragons have genders?
Harry: Can we move this along? We've only covered like five minutes of the movie. Hell, there's still three chapters before we even reach Hogwarts.
Hermione: Wait a minute Harry, we still have to meet the people the chapter's named after.
Harry: Alright, where are…
Ludo Bagman: Well, if it isn't Harry Potter.
Harry: Should I find it disturbing how many people are obsessed with a fourteen year old?
Bagman: How are you going, Mr. Potter?
Harry: Better if random people would just ignore me.
Bagman: I'd like you to meet Mr. Bartemius Crouch Sr.
Harry: I wouldn't.
Crouch Sr.: Can we hurry along Ludo? I just want to get to the box so I can watch the game.
Bagman: Oh, what's the rush Barty? It's not like there's anything you need to keep an eye on in there.
Crouch Sr.: *eye twitch* Yes, of course not.
Percy: Mr. Crouch, I've nearly finished the report on cauldron thickness.
Crouch Sr.: Who the fuck are you?
Percy: Sir, I work for you.
Crouch Sr.: So do a lot of people. Now, I'm going to my seat. You just stay here and pretend I complimented your work or whatever it is you peasants do.
Percy: Yes sir *starts grinning stupidly*
Crouch Sr.: Ugh, idiots *leaves*
Fred: Percy, he's gone. You can stop pretending now.
Percy: Pretending what? Mr. Crouch just complimented me.
Bagman: So, who wants to do some gambling?
Hermione: Sir, most of us are under age, and would not wish to partake in…
George: Thirty seven galleons, fifteen sickles, and three knuts on Ireland to win, but Krum catches the Snitch.
Hermione: Seriously, do you have any idea how illegal this is?
George: Hermione, when have I ever lost? If Fred had been the one making the bet, this would never have worked. But because it's me, it's more of an investment.
Fred: I'll win it back this year, you'll see.
Bagman: Excellent. A guaranteed win for me. Well, see you all at the match *leaves*
Percy: Probably should have asked him if he'd heard anything about Bertha Jorkins yet.
Harry: Seriously, who is that? Also, when's the match starting? *torches light up, making a path through the burning woods* Well, that answers one question. Now, can we make it through those flames? Find out next time.